The Ex Files....

As of Sunday night, all of my exs from the last three years have contacted me in a week. The incredibly ironic thing is, this happens every six months or so. Sunday night, THE EX from Chicago contacted me via yahoo messenger. Yahoo messenger was how we met and it was always a thorn in the side of our relationship because THE EX always had lots and lots of friends on yahoo messenger. I use the term friends very very loosely. At one point in time, I saw his messenger list and it was divided into states and under each state category there were at least five women listed. I don't recall if all fifty states were categories but you get the point. Lots and lots of friends. This continued throughout the entire five years of our relationship. On my list, I had only family and a couple of college friends. Literally, at the most, I had ten people. The last time I had heard from him was a text message and email on my birthday, April 17th. Our conversation Sunday night started out friendly enough. He asked how I was doing, I said shitty. He asked why, I explained what is going on with my job situation, etc. He said that sucks, and then said, "if you were here I would take you to Lou's for pizza, then Cafe Jumping Bean for coffee and bring you some wine."

Lou Malnatis is a pizza restaurant in the North Lawndale neighborhood of Chicago's westside that is my favorite restaurant on the planet. I have strong sentimental ties to that specific location and they have kick ass thick crust Chicago style pizza and cheddar cheese cubes-which are deep fried, breaded, cubes of smooth cheddar cheese goodness that you can not get anywhere else. Cafe Jumping Bean is an eclectic coffee shop in the Pilsen neighborhood of Chicago on 18th near the former blue line now pink line stop. That cafe also has a deep place in my heart and is my favorite cafe in all the world. The EX was trying to be sweet and supportive, but I lost it.

My response to his kindness was, "no you wouldn't." He said, why are you being so mean, of course I would. I said, no I am saying I wouldn't allow you to take me to those places.

My heart is still fairly raw from the break up with this man from 18 months ago. See, THE EX, is the first man I ever truly loved and ever honestly thought I would marry, settle down with, and build a family with. We spent five years together. He met my family and became an intimate part of my life. My nephew Phoenix still asks about him, which breaks my heart because he loved THE EX and THE EX truly enjoyed spending time with him and all of the kids in my life, which is one of the many reasons why I loved him. He literally played with the kids. He took Kjarra, my niece, to a Bulls game when she visited me. He too Malcolm, my nephew, fishing at Humbolt Park when he visited Chicago. He spent the day downtown with Kjarra, Julia, Phoenix and me when I had the three of them stay with me for a week.

To hear him say that he wanted to comfort me during this insanely stressful time of my life brought up all the emotions from the day I left Chicago a year ago. THE EX did not ask me to stay in Chicago. He had six months to make a choice and ask me to stay in Chicago. Did he ever once ask me to stay? No. Not a word. Nothing so much as a, "Ill miss you Kiki." He let me go. He didn't fight for me or our relationship therefore he has no right to now try to comfort me and play that emotional russian roulette with my heart. During this yahoo conversation, I went off on him and told him that I can not handle the emotional ups and downs he gives me and he is not allowed to have those conversations with me any more. I essentially told him that I can not have a casual, lets chat when we can and pretend everything is okay between us kind of relationship with him. Its too hard. Too many feelings. Too much history. I did call him the next day and left him a voicemail apologizing for the mean things I said to him. I did not need to bring things to the level that I did, and I apologized for that.

The question remains, how do I let go of him completely? I still have so many feelings for him, so many memories (good and bad). His phone number is one of the few phone numbers I have memorized because I heard it on his friggen voicemail all the time because he never answered his phone. When will his phone number leave my memory?