Filler

In all the weight loss books I've read they always talk about examining why you overeat. What void are you trying to fill? Is a question often asked. It came up on the Oprah show will all the amazing weight loss stories and it makes sense. Any addiction or habit forms as some way to feel full or fulfilled or to escape reality of some sort. So the question I am pondering is...what is my void? Its a complex question that requires a great deal of introspection. What am I missing in my life? What do I long for? The first thing that pops into my head is a sense of community and a feeling of belonging. Years ago-eleven years ago to be exact-I embarked on an adventure known as Mission Year where I experienced for the first time in my life a true sense of community that filled that place of longing. I lived with five amazing, unique, hysterical, intelligent young adults who surprised me every day with experiences of deep unity and compassion. It was the most challenging year of my life and experiences I had forced me to face some of my deepest issues, among them a deep fear of being unworthy of love and of being alone which led me to spend the first 22 years of my life building up thick walls to protect myself and distance myself from people. Some of these walls were anger, sarcasm, wit, and some were fat. Its easy to hide from the world and hide from intimacy when you are hiding behind extra pounds. I used the rolls of fat to explain my loneliness...if I were just skinny or thin...then people would like me. The eating and lack of exercise formed a barrier that kept me safe from being hurt but also kept me from experience love and friendship. During mission year, I was able to break through those walls and fall in love with my teammates and the neighborhood we lived in, the church, the people I worked with, the kids we developed relationships with...everyone. I felt safe. I felt complete. I felt connected. During that time, I would get up at 6am and walk to the neighborhood park and go walking around the track with my mission year teammates supporting me....encouraging me. I also became a vegetarian and did not look to food for any level of fulfillment. I didn't think about food. I didn't crave food. I cooked meals for my team-I did the grocery shopping for our little household and I felt needed. I was a part of an unique, crazy, interesting, family that honestly was intensely mutually supportive so the void I felt, that longing for a place of intimacy and belonging, was filled. Since that time, I haven't found a place like that...a place of spiritual, emotional, psychological, and familial intimacy where those needs, those longings are met. So the question now becomes, how do I find that place again? How do I fill those needs? Getting involved in a church again seems the obvious answer...but...to be frank...i gots issues with church...meaning established church. They lack authenticity and community and I just don't seem to fit. I have tried a few over the years but none seem to be right. I know that I will not find the community that I had during mission year in a church or neighborhood or any where else. Mission year provided the opportunity, guidance, and God put Team Voltron together in an amazingly perfect way that can not be repeated...

I have people in my life who accept me and love me and support me but they are scattered all over the country which make the day to day intimacy I crave impossible to maintain...or does it? Community has many facets and definitions. It looks differently for different people and different situations. If the void I use food to fill is a sense of community and belonging, I need to explore ways to fill that need. One major way would be to get the heck out of the house. I have become a hermit of sorts as of late. I also do need to explore spiritual community, to figure out what that needs to look like in my life and how to create it. As I add exercise into my daily life, I am also seeking to fill those needs-community and belonging.

Getting in Shape...again

I have a love hate relationship with Oprah and rarely watch her show. Today was one of those rare days where I caught it and kept it on. It was a "best of" episode where she had on people who had lost hundreds of pounds of weight without surgery or pills but with their own choices, motivation and hard work. I had heard of this episode before and had even caught glimpses of it but today I actually sat for a few minutes and watched-and listened-to part of it. The stories that were shared were truly amazing and powerfully motivating. One woman lost over 500 pounds. FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS. Other people lost upwards of 300 pounds. These people did not go on The Biggest Loser, they did not get gastric bypass, they did not hire million dollar personal chefs or anything like that. They simply made the choice to make the changes in their lives they wanted to make for themselves and by themselves. I found the stories inspiring and realized I need to take care of myself better. Yes, I have said this for years. I know...and it is always a struggle...to make the choice to exercise and to eat well...but this is something I CAN do. Right now several aspects of my life feel completely out of my control. I've been unemployed for over a year and continue to search for, apply for, interview for and get rejected for jobs. I have no control over when or if I will get a job. I can only do my best, put myself out there, tweak my resume, pound the pavement and pray. But I can control what I eat and how I spend the time I have each day with my boy. Caleb is also a HUGE motivation for getting into shape. I want to be active with him. I want to play with him, run with him, chase him around, tickle him, challenge him, wrestle with him...I don't want him to be ashamed of his fat mom or afraid that I am not healthy. I don't want to tell him "i can't do that with you because i am too big or too out of shape or too tired." I also want to model healthy choices and behaviors for him. He needs me to be healthy for him and with him. I don't want to miss any time with my son and I want to do everything I can to be the best mom I can be for him. I also want to be around and active for as long as humanly possible..to be with my grandkids. Last week I walked with Caleb and Kieran to my mom and dad's place a mile from my house...it was a tough walk and a reality check. A mile should not be a tough walk for me. I wasn't running, I wasn't even walking fast....but I was breathing heavily and sweating and exhausted....I want to enjoy being active and outside and energized. I don't want to get tired walking half a mile ..I want to be confident in myself and I want to be able to buy bras at Victoria's Secret or a regular store. As it stands now, I have to order bras online. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes and have cute, fun, clothing that I actually like.

So here we go...the journey begins again. Today I weigh 305 pounds. I am down from my highest point which was around 350 but I have also gained weight since giving birth. Currently I am not active. I spend most of my day on the couch or doing random housework. I can't afford to join a gym right now-I loved going to the gym and working a personal trainer when I had the money to do so. But now, just not possible. I do however have space and time and tools at home.

Here's what I have:

-yoga mat
-arm rings
-3, 5, 10 pound weights
-balance ball
-resistance bands
-that shaker arm thingy
-dvd player
-tv
-comfy shoes
-great stroller for caleb
-TIME

Today I started with the arm circle thingies and it was amusing...I felt the pain and enjoyed it as well. My arms are a huge bone of contention for me. As my former middle school students have pointed out, I don't have elbows because they are hidden behind upper arm fat. yuck. The focus for now is going to be my arms. The funny thing about the rings is that you spin them on your arms while doing arm circles with your hands pointed in various positions. Your hands are down, then straight out, then facing up. I desperately need to work on my coordination because my rings were flying across the room rather than saying on my wrists. My right arm does fairly well, but the left...woah...the things go flying. Its only about a ten minute workout and its no impact but gets my heart rate up, my sweat going and my arms hurting-in a good way. I also learned to do some stretches which felt really good.

Summation of day one-had a good breakfast: granola bar, yogurt, skim latte. Crappy lunch-left over pizza....crappy snack/dinner....ice cream. Attempted to do the arm routine, pretty much completed it but need more practice. Gotta do every day. Tomorrow I want to add in doing sit ups with the balance ball. Goal for the next seven days-do the arms five days and sit ups at least three times.