Keeps gettin better n better

Alrighty, so I got an email from my school today about getting my belongings. Yeah, I guess I am a major threat to the school and they are afraid to let me in because who knows, I might just steal something or set a bomb or who the heck knows what? Anyhoo...I can not enter my former classroom. I was asked to send a list of what belongs to me that is in the room and they will box it up and have it ready for me. Mind you, this is not a desk or a cubicle but it is a CLASSROOM. A classroom that I have not been allowed to enter for two weeks now. Of course, I do not have an annotated inventory list or map of my classroom at home. So, I asked, very politely, if I could box it up myself and have someone there to supervise me (remember I could blow up the school or destroy something or God knows what). The response from HR was "while we know this is frustrating is it company policy that once an employee is terminated they are not allowed back into the building to retrieve things. We will do our best to get your belongings." Neat-o frito. Well, I did my best to compile the list. I have been a teacher for three years now. Was a teacher's assistant and a teaching resident for one year each before starting my own career, so I have five years experience in the classroom. Literature and reading is my passion, so I spent a great deal of time and money to create a diverse classroom library-with the help of many close friends and family-and my books have been assimilated into the New Visions Room Six library. There are several bins of books. Mine are labeled with my name. So, its going to be quite the job to ensure that I get all of my books back. Am I really expected to trust these people to return all of my books and belongings? I am so irritated, angry and humiliated.

Here's the bigger kicker: I asked about getting documents off of the school computer I used. Mind you, I haven't had access to this in two weeks as well and was not expecting to be terminated because I had no warnings, wasn't on probation or anything else so I did not "clean up" the computer. Well, the HR response to my request to get documents off the computer was "tell us what you need and we will attempt to email the documents to you." My response was: " I need everything." See, I had pictures, lesson plans, notes, my taxes, my resumes, rubrics, projects I designed for the kids, basically all of my personally created work for the last year. HR's response: "We can't do that. Anything from this year is property of the school." To which I responded, "You are telling me that I do not have access to the documents that I myself created as a professional educator, as a part of my teaching career for the last year?" I did not get a response to that email. Hmmmm....I wonder why?

I just don't get it. Why does something have to turn so ugly? Okay, so I didn't fit into your small, petty, conceited, arrogant, special educational focused, charter school. Great. So why make this end so stupidly? This all could have been over last week. I didn't even get the respect of getting a phone call (which was promised) to inform me of the decision that was reached regarding my employment, instead I got a letter in the mail. My principal informed me that she lives in the boondocks and gets crappy cell service so she couldn't call me. What the hell? Take two seconds from SCHOOL an actual LANDLINE and show an employee the respect she deserves by discussing the situation. What a load of crap. I was more than willing to take time to go into school on a Saturday or in the evening to get my stuff. I don't want, or need their stuff. I am not a thief or untrustworthy. I desperately want to put all of this behind me, but they keep making it so incredibly difficult.

My advice: NEVER EVER EVER work at a charter school....and ask lots and lots of questions at your interview-ask to visit classrooms and talk to teachers, ask how long teachers have been there because-get this-of the 15 or so teachers on staff....eight have been there since the dawn of time and they are old school teachers who haven't taught anywhere else and want things done their way. They all do things the same way and have done them that way forever, so new blood is screwed. Two others have been there three years, a couple others two years, and two others this was their first year. What does that tell you about the school? The old folks push out newbies they don't like...my principal even said that to me when I first started. Hmmm...think that MIGHT be a problem lady?

ARGH. need to sleep, haven't slept well in two weeks. Once this is settled, I think my sleep will return. I hope my sleep will return....

Politics of teaching

Just over a week ago, I received a phone call at home from my principal at 9:15pm. Odd. The call itself was from the twilight zone. The night before I had attended a Parent Teacher Organization meeting at school where the principal announced that starting in Fall 2009 New Visions Academy would no longer serve students from Kindergarten through eighth grade, instead it would stop at sixth grade. I am the sixth grade teacher and had no knowledge or clue that this was even a possibility so I was justifiably surprised and shared my surprise. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not good at hiding my emotions, reactions or feelings. I am nothing if not genuine-some consider it a fault, some a strength. The meeting and the events thereafter were essentially uneventful.

I didn't really speak to anyone other than our school social worker-I told him I was concerned about how my students would react to the news and asked if anything was being planned to help them adjust and prepare for the transition. Of course, people heard my questions, nothing was inappropriate. I did state that I thought it was disrespectful to the staff that the announcement was made at the PTO meeting first without any consideration as to how we might react. I said I thought it would have been better to inform teachers first-especially since some of us would be losing our positions for the following year due to the change.

Well back to the phone call. My principal told me that I was being put on "Administrative Leave" because a parent had called the superintendent and made a complaint about something I said. She did not know what the accusation was-or at least claimed not to know-and said she would call me the next day with the needed information after she had her meeting with the superintendent. That was a Wednesday. I heard nothing of the accusations against me until Friday when the conversation at the PTO meeting was not even mentioned. Now, it seems, there was a plethora of negative accusations coming out against me. How did this occur? Hell if I know.

According to my principal, she put me on paid administrative leave to resolve the issue from the PTO meeting quietly so that no one would gossip or get involved and to protect me. Hmmmm....lets ponder this together for a moment. If the issue was about the PTO meeting and nothing else was being discussed to protect me, how did all of these other 'issues' come about? I'll tell you how-gossipy, insecure women who can not leave people alone.

Our conversation on Friday April 17th-yes my birthday Happy Birthday to me!-knocked the wind out of me. It seems, that through her investigation into the PTO issue, which we already stated was private (please notice the sarcasm here), there were three issues that needed to be addressed regarding me. Issue 1: a testing conversation I had with another teacher. Mind you, this other teacher was not put on administrative leave and was allowed to fully defend or explain the conversation before anyone spoke to me. That situation was this: after school on a day when we had state testing, Jackie asked me how testing went. I said, "It went well, a student even told me he used strategies I taught him on the test. He told me he made sure he had two opinions and two examples from the story." As we were talking, the person in charge of testing was walking by and obviously eavesdropping because she stopped what she was doing and came into the room and told us that if a testing authority had been there and heard what we said, we would be in HUGE trouble. I asked why, she shrugged and walked away. Well....this conversation which I still don't understand what the problem with it was because no one will explain it to me or allow me to say what it was that I said...has become one of the three nails in the coffin of my teaching career at New Visions Academy.

Nail number 2 was the accusation that I did not get permission slips for a movie that I showed to my class before spring break. The school policy is that to show a movie that is rated PG or higher, a teacher needs to get permission slips signed by parents or guardians. This is the crazy thing, a teacher at the school who has been rude to me since day one, gave me crap about handing out the permission slips but then someone else decided to tell the principal that I never got parental permission to show the movie. Ridiculous, yes! Of course, for ten days people at school were all being interviewed and talked to about this situation but I was not-remember, I was on administrative leave for my own protection. I did get signed permission slips and, unfortunately, I threw them away. I realize now I will never ever throw anything away again-but it was just before spring break and I was getting ready to have surgery and was trying to get the room and my desk and everything cleaned and organized to make things easier when I got back from break. This is the crazy thing too, the movie was "A Wrinkle in Time" and the students asked to see it because I had read them the book and they really truly enjoyed the book. Did I make a mistake not keeping the slips? Yes. Is it worth me losing my job over because someone is petty and doesn't like me for whatever reason and doesn't even know what they are talking about? No. Again, I was not allowed to go to my classroom to find the check list where I checked off names of students whose slips I got. Remember too, the slips were passed out on April 1st and the 'investigation' is occurring on April 21st-after spring break, after testing, three weeks later. And, of course, no one knew what was going on because I was out of the building on administrative leave for my protection...yet somehow....an issue from the PTO meeting turned into an issue about permission slips.....hmmmm...how might that happen?????

The final nail in the coffin of my teaching job is special education modifications and this one seriously cracks me up. See, at New Visions there are special education teachers and regular education teachers. I was the regular education teacher for 5th and 6th grade. More than 50% of my students have some form of special education services whether it be emotional/behavioral issues or learning disabilities. I am responsible for a total of 60 students throughout my day (1st grade reading group, 5th grade, 6th grade and a middle school reading group). The special education teachers are responsible for 10 to 12 who they work with either one on one or in very small groups throughout the day when they are pulled out of the regular education teacher's classes. Here's the kicker, at the start of the year I had been modifying spelling lists and other assignments for my SPED students like I was supposed to, then I was told by two different special education teachers that I was doing it wrong so, they said they would do it. Silly me to trust coworkers! Well, when it came out that a student wasn't getting spelling grades who got blamed? Oh yes, you got it! ME! Not his special education teacher who sees him for 45 minutes for reading every friggen day but me who sees him (in a class of 19 other students) every day for less than 15 minutes. At this school, teachers are expected to focus on the special ed kids to the detriment of the other students. Literally, these students in question, are with me for 10 to 15 minutes of reading time a day then they are with their special education teacher either one on one or in a small group (2 or 3 kids who have similar needs). These teachers said they would handle the modifications and who gets screwed? Me.

Its simply insane. One of these special education teachers belittled me in front of my students, told me I was doing modifications wrong, refused to help me, sent me demeaning, unprofessional emails on a weekly basis and because I was mature and chose to ignore the pettiness and focus on my job, I get fired.

This is the kicker, this teacher, who I know is behind two of the three issues that got me fired, is not my boss. She is not my supervisor. She has never been in my classroom, she doesn't even have her Special Education certification that I am aware of, has never taught at a different school and doesn't have her master's degree. Yet, she has the power of influence over this staff with her cronies to push people they don't like out. The real issue I think, was that these two teachers who had only taught in the small world of new visions, were intimidated by someone who knows what else is out there and doesn't bow to them. Of course, there is no way to prove that. And I am trying really really hard not to be bitter and angry...but its hard. I worked so hard to become a teacher and I love my job but I can't deal with the pettiness that surrounds me. Why can't people just let me do my job and give me the benefit of the doubt? I mean really, does someone have to babysit me and report on things like permission slips for movies when they don't know what they are talking about? Why not just ask me? Why not offer to help the new teacher at school to learn the policies? Why cause the drama? Its exhausting......

So, I was fired effective last Friday but was not even given the professional courtesy of being notified of this termination by phone, oh no, I got a letter in the mail. My principal had 2 or 3 short conversations with me over the phone while doing her so called investigation honestly expecting me to believe that no one at school knows what is going on or is involved. Its insane that I was not allowed to be a part of any of these meetings discussing my accusations. I was not allowed to face my accusers or defend myself at all. The decision was made by someone that I needed to go, so they spent ten days drumming up enough information to, in their minds, justifiably fire me. Its disheartening to say the least and honestly, I am not sure where to go from here. None of the accusations against me have anything to do with my teaching ability or the impact I have on students. I am a good teacher. My students are challenged by me academically, intellectually, socially. They are better off because I was their teacher, and what makes me really sad is, now I am just another teacher/adult who abandoned them. I was not allowed to say anything to my students, to say goodbye-nothing. At this point in time I am still waiting for permission to return to the school to get my personal belongings. Its going on two weeks and they can't even allow me to get my stuff. It really is ridiculous, unprofessional and sad. I know I will be okay, I always land on my feet, I'm tenacious and blessed. The thing that sucks, is that all of this drama affects the kids the most.

Why avoid the fam?

I have been dating Anthony off and on since August of 2008.  We began talking as friends in May or June or 2008.  Its now April of 2009.  We know each other well.  We have gone back and forth on the dating spectrum, the ups and downs, the hanging out, the are we 'together' or are we friends' crap...all of it.  My family is important to me.  Okay, okay, my family is VERY important to me.  If you know me, you have met my family and hear stories of them all the friggen time.  Nieces, nephews, sisters, in-laws, brother, MammaRita and DadBill.  All of my life friends have been included on my family adventures.  Dinners, movies, mini golfing, family reunions, birthday parties (both for kids and for adults).  Love me, love my family is a sort of motto I have because I actually enjoy my family.  We laugh together.  We play together.  We fight and bicker and talk shit about each other but when it all comes down to it, we are there for each other.  Especially the kiddos.  I honestly do not know how to even begin to express how much I love Kjarra, Julia, Malcolm, William, Phoenix, Zee and new Kieran.  Sporting events of theirs, orchestra concerts, just hanging out with me for the weekend, I would do anything for them and a happy saturday afternoon for me is spending time with my family celebrating little KFanz's first birthday.  So, why is it that the person I am "building something with has no desire or interest to meet my family?

I have invited him several times.  To events ranging from Thanksgiving dinner to New Years Eve bowling to a random soccer game.  Always he starts out excited, "Yeah that will be fun! " But when the time comes to join me on the adventure of family fun....he bails. I am well aware that my family is odd.  We spend far more time together than anyone else I know.  My sisters are each others best friends.  They used to literally live down the street from my mom.  My brother and I have strayed a little farther from home by venturing into Minneapolis proper from the burbs.  Most American families see each other oh a couple of times a year for fun family events.  We see each other weekly or at least bi weekly.  The man in my life knows this about me.  He knows its important to me.  We have discussed it.  I have told him I want him to meet my family.  I have told him I want him to meet my friends.  He knows this is an essential value to me....so why the refusal to join me?  Why the excuses?  If you can make time to get laid and watch a movie with your girlfriend, you can make time to eat some sloppy joes and drop of a birthday wish to a one year old boy.   He said he'd make it up to me.  My response, I'm not holding my breath.  The point is, there is no way to make this up to me.  A first birthday happens once.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Hockey games, Soccer games, dinners, movies, all of them have been options already.  All have been options denied.  Why?

the cavities known as sinusus

I have sinus issues.  I sneeze.  I blow my nose like a foghorn.  My nephew-or perhaps it was a niece-anyone one of the many children in my life used to cry when i blew my nose because it was so loud.  I was diagnosed with Asthma when I was two.  Severe allergies followed.  Dust.  Cats.  Any living plant or tree or bush or weed outside.  Dogs.  Fish.  Chicken.  Beets.  Yeah you might say, who cares about stinky old beets?  Well let me tell you, a five year old little girl who had to sit outside in the hallway by herself crying because her kindergarden class was making gingerbread cookies with beet sugar and she couldn't be anywhere near it would have eaten beats every friggen day of her life if it meant she could be with her class and not be the odd kid out-again.  Due to my allergies and asthma, I spent a lot of time alone as a kid.  The outside world was impossible for me.  Pollen. Trees.  Leaves.  Flowers.  Grass....oh the grass.  Once, I mowed the lawn simply to spite my mother and sisters who were peeved at me because I couldn't do yardwork-they thought I was faking to get out of work.  Well, did I show them!  I mowed the entire lawn.  Wheezing. Hacking.  Snot running down my face.  Eyes swollen shut.  Hands has big as pineapples.  Red.  I walked in the house and my mother ran me into the bathroom, put me in the tub, drowned me in sudafed and I never mowed the lawn again.  Well, on Friday April 3rd I finally had sinus surgery and damn, its not pleasant!

Over the last ten years or so, I have had pretty much a constant sinus infection.  Tons of missed work, tons of pain, tons of medications, all resulting in nothing.  Until last fall when I finally jumped through all the hoops.  I saw the ear nose and throat guy, got the CT scan and was told..."yep, you got issues in your nose."  Well....there ya go!  So, the doctor put me under and cut all sorts of crapola out of my schnoz and here I am a week later still recuperating!  Today I got to go in and they dug around to get more crusties and random crap outta there.  I feel like I still have sinus infection, but, according to the doctor I should be much much better by next week.  So here's to sinus surgery!  

At least I tried....

The celibacy thing lasted about two weeks, give or take.  I know, I know, HUGE shock.  Here's the thing:  I am not a person who responds well to limits.  I have been known to do something simply because someone told me not to do it or said I couldn't.  Random limits have no real place in a person's life.  Now, hold your horses, mister!  I did not say limits have no place.  I said RANDOM limits have no place.  Limits, of course, are good and very very needed.  If there is no actual purpose, the limits become arbitrary barriers that will be broken because they no tangible meaning.  The celibacy thing was that for me.  It was a meaningless barrier because the issue is not about sex at all.  The issue is about intimacy, love, truth, self worth, making strong choices for me.  Sex is...well...sex.  I have had intimate sex, I have had casual sex, I have had good sex, I have had bad sex.  Sex, in and of itself, is not right or wrong or good or evil.  Sex is about yourself and the person with whom you are sharing and the level to which you are choosing to open yourself to that person.  Can those choices cause sex to be an evil, manipulative, destructive thing?  Yes.  We have all seen that on so many levels but choices can also lead sex to be a truly intimate, loving, mutually respectful and beneficial exchange between two consenting, mature, honest, adults who are deeply self aware.  I am striving for a place of balance in my life and in my relationships with men and others in my life.  For a time, out of utter frustration, I believed that to reach that precarious balance, I needed to close of a part of my life-the sexual and dating part.  But that did not help.  With that gone, I was more restless.  More angry.  More irritated and doubtful than before.  The last few weeks have shown me that limits need to give way to balance.  Balance involves limits in scope and depth of interactions to protect oneself-body heart and soul.  While still allowing intimacy to develop in its natural course and enjoying the respectful, intimate, committed company of a person I really do like.  I am on a journey to discover the roots of who I am, prune some scraggly branches, heal some scars and move forward.  Several of the lessons I am working through do center around men, but they are not the core.  The core is myself and issues I seem to keep running from...issues of self value, intimacy, what love really means-in terms of family, friends, Jesus, the Divine, truth....oh so many things....So, I am not celibate but I am committed which I guess is almost as big of a deal.  I am letting go of the what ifs....of the doubts and the fears and desperately trying to give my special guy the benefit of the doubt as we are figuring out what we have and what we want.  We are building something.  Together.  Building an intimacy and trust in each other that will allow us to tear down some of the walls we both hide behind and...perhaps...fall in love in the process.