Daddy questions begin...

My three and a half year old son and I were winding down after a lovely Christmas day when he said to me, "Mommy, my friends at school say I don't have a daddy."  He was very matter of fact with the statement while I was a bit taken aback.  I kept my emotions in check and asked, 'Which friends say that?"  "All of them."  The daddy issue has begun.  I knew it was coming and I knew explanations would have to be made but I did not expect it yet.  I hoped I had at least until kindergarten...I told Caleb, "You do have a daddy.  You know who he is.  He just lives far away.  Remember he visited in the summer and took you to the park and stuff?"  I went on to explain that he should tell his friends he has a daddy but he lives far away-he said he did tell them that but the 'friends' kept saying he didn't have a daddy.  So, I told him to tell his teachers when that happens or tell me and we will take care of it.  (Side note, I did not expect bullying based on family make up would start at 3.5 years old...ugh.)

His innocent face was pondering something then he says with his big brown eyes peering into my soul, "Mommy, our house as wheels, right?"  When we moved into our mobile home back in August I explained to him that our house is special because it has wheels under it..how he remembers such details, I will never know...and I certainly never expected it to come up in this type of conversation.  "Yes, it does," I replied wondering where the conversation was heading and then my heart broke.  "Then why can't we move out house to be closer to daddy's house?  It has wheels, so we can move it right?"  Did I mention that my child is THREE AND A HALF YEARS OLD?!?!   I took the time to explain that yes, in theory we could move our house to be closer to daddy (in Chicago, 450 miles away) but there would be some problems.  We wouldn't be close to Grandma and Grandpa (who Caleb ADORES and sees at least twice a week), or his brothers (really cousins who again he sees at least once a week), and mommy doesn't have a job where daddy lives.  The big brown eyes looked at me while he put his hand under his chin and he said, "Hmmm let me think about this."  Eventually he decided he wanted to stay close to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties and Uncles and cousins and friends and daddy could visit and he could visit daddy...whew... crisis averted,  at least for now.

The topic came up, I am sure, because Caleb's dad called to wish him a Merry Christmas.  His dad calls maybe once a month and hasn't visited since July.  Before that it was December of 2012.  So, in the last year of Caleb's short life, his father has managed to see him for two visits.  Baby daddy has been pestering me to get Caleb to Chicago for a visit-which I have been trying to plan and organize but he never gets back to me regarding the details.  Being that baby daddy lives in Chicago ( I lived here in the Twin Cities when Caleb was conceived so there was never a chance we would move there, he knew from the moment I told him I was pregnant that the child's life and main place of dwelling would be here-in Minnesota-with me) one would think that he (baby daddy) would plan ahead and save some money so that the visits could be made.  But alas, he does not.  Which then puts me between a rock and hard place in terms of my role in facilitating the visitation process.  We do not have any sort of visitation or custody agreement because we were not married and, in the past, I have been incredibly generous with allowing baby daddy to stay at my house to spend time with Caleb.  Well, now that Caleb is getting older things need to shift but its complex because of the distance and the lack of relationship that Caleb really has with his dad.  Meaning, my three and a half year old boy does not know his father well enough to be able to go to Chicago with him alone for any period of time.  So, for the first couple of visits to Chicago, I need to go along.  Which then brings up the money issues...who pays for what?  In my opinion, the cost of the entire visit is the baby daddy's responsibility.  He, of course, doesn't see it that way and is incredibly cheap (even though he makes almost twice what I make in a year and has zero hands on parenting time).

So here I am, on Christmas night, not able to sleep because my son gets teased at school because of his absentee father...the conversation with my son tugs on my heart strings to the point where I feel like I should spend money to make the visits happen-for Caleb.  But the realist part of me fights that feeling because it is not my responsibility to build that relationship or to provide transportation or funding for visitation.  The lines become blurry at this point because I desperately want my son to have a strong, consistent, loving father figure in his life.  I know how important that is for a young man in this day and age-especially a boy of mixed race.  I know all that statistics of boys raised by single mothers.  I know the importance of the father-son bond.  I also know its the one aspect of Caleb's life that I truly have no control over...which is a paralyzing feeling caused by the heaps of guilt and in-adequateness I heap upon myself. 

My Caleb is a gift given to me by God.  To me.  In the situation I am in.  With the biological father he has.  For whatever reason, God chose to weave together this amazing little man in my womb and have him be born to me-here in Minnesota.  So, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that our Caleb will have all he needs to become the man he is designed to be....with just a single mom as his main source of support, love, guidance and parenting....a single mother who prays constantly, loves abundantly and strives to provide all that he needs with support and love of multitudes of friends and family.  I have a feeling the journey of single parenthood is going to get a lot harder before it becomes easier and there will be many more tough conversations I have to have with my dear, sweet, boy about his dad.  And it will be okay.

Toddlers and iPads-future achievement gap in the works

In the realm of public education discussions we often hear the phrase "achievement gap" tossed around.    The achievement gap is the gap between white students' academic performance and that of minorities.  There are hundreds of experts with hundreds of explanations of why this gap exists and lots of other experts with sure fire ways to reduce the gap.  I'm not going to get into all that right now...its too big of an issue.  I have a toddler son who is biracial-his dad is black and I am white.  I am also a single mother.  So, in many ways my son is part of the minority culture that is affected by the achievement gap.  However, being that he is half white and I am economically stable, and I have a Master's degree and then some regarding education, he is really not on the downside of the achievement gap.  Why?  Because, I believe, economics trumps race.  And economics trumps family situations.  As does education.  Because of my education and my status as an educator, my son has the benefit of having a 'reading specialist' as a mom.  I am at his service with my passion for reading, words and all things education overflowing every aspect of his life.  Since before he was born, he has been exposed to books, music, all kinds of food, and various people places and things.  Why?  Because of my status and my ability to expose him to such things because of my lifestyle and blessings.  I live alone with my son and in our home we have a Macbook Pro laptop, an iPad2, an iPhone, a blue ray dvd player with netflix, two stereos, an iPod, a digital camera, a Kuerig single cup brewer (which he knows how to work), and literally hundreds of books.  Those things put my kiddo on the high end of the achievement gap.  Some more so than others.  Take for example the iPad.  Right now, while I am typing away on my MacBook Pro, Caleb (who is 2.5 years old) is busy practicing pushing letters into an abyss with a bulldozer on an iPad game.  He learned to count to ten about as soon as he could talk because of a counting iPad game.  He knows how to turn the thing on by himself and how to choose which games he wants to play.  He knows everything there is to know about cement mixers and he knows that tow trucks take broken cars to the mechanic all because of games he has played on the iPad.  He can do puzzles like nobody's business again because of the iPad. Again, he's not even three years old.  And already, because of my lifestyle and what I am able to provide, he is ahead of so many other kids.  How is this technology going to impact the academic achievement gap we educators are working so hard to close?  Honestly, just thinking about it scares me.  Some kids, because of various circumstances beyond their control and choice, will not see a book or computer or even a written letter or have a book read to them before they start kindergarten or preschool.  How are those kids supposed to reach the same academic standards that Caleb is expected to reach?  How are teachers supposed to meet their educational needs as well as challenge kids like Caleb who will more than likely know how to read before they even enter the school door?