Alignment...

Today I made a decision that many people will not understand and few will agree with.   I decided to enroll my son in the school that I work at-an under performing, 95% poverty, Minneapolis Public School.  I don't live in Minneapolis-I live in the 'burbs for reasons I will explain later.  My son could attend kindergarten at the school just down the street.  A high performing, low poverty, mostly white upper middle class school.  But here's the thing...I am passionate about social justice and educational inequality.  I am passionate about racial reconciliation and de-segregation.  These are core values I care about.  I have for years...since I saw the inequity of school quality growing up between the suburban school I went to and the inner city school my cousins went to...since I studied community development in college...since I experienced inner city work and ministry during MissionYear.   Since college my hearts desire has been to establish a life where I live, work, and worship all in the same community-preferably a diverse community that I can invest in and help to challenge the powers that be-segregation, inequity, etc.  I realized during our first staff meeting of the new school year today, that I need to adjust my dream a bit.

Last year was an exceptionally challenging year at my school.  I didn't want to go back-I was scared of all the changes happening, I wasn't sure how everything fit together.  However, God made it abundantly clear through numerous rejections from suburban school jobs, that I am where exactly where I need to be for reasons far above my own.  During our staff meeting this morning, we went over the testing data for our school for the last three years.  The scores have been in a steady, major decline each year with the results plummeting last year.  It was a somber moment to say the least.  However, after looking at that data the administration team asked us to think about it and respond.

The group of 130 teachers and staff was quiet for a few minutes.  Then, teachers got up and shared their belief that our role as teachers at our school is a social justice, equity issue.  Teachers shared that they have chosen to be at the school precisely to invest in the lives and the future of these kids...of this neighborhood...of this COMMUNITY school.  Teachers shared frustration with watching how the district re-zoning has resulted in concentrated schools of poverty-decisions made by the school board to appease the wealthy folks in the community who are afraid to send their kids to school with "those kids."  Sure, they donate money to charities who meet the needs of "those families" but they don't want them to actually be in their school...they don't belong.  They don't deserve the same quality of education...that is what "they" think.  This mindset infuriates me.

Which led me to my decision.  If I truly believe in social justice, educational equity, de-segregation, diversity, community development, community as a whole...then I need to align my life with those beliefs.  I need to truly invest in the process of social change...I need to make the choices that reflect my heart.

I've lived in urban areas and taught in urban areas all of my adult life-that is, until I had my son five years ago.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I was single, unemployed, and living in Stevens Square in Minneapolis.  I loved where I lived but I knew that I needed to be close to family to meet the needs of my child.  I knew, without a doubt, that I could not make it on my own as a single mother without my family's support.  So, I moved out to the 'burbs.  And it was the right decision for me and Caleb at that time.  I worked in Anoka Hennepin District 11-where I lived.  Then...I got laid off.  And where did I get a job?  Yep-Minneapolis Public Schools.  And, although last year was  rough and I thought about leaving-I really struggled with the decision, the rejections, the job search.  Living in the 'burbs I felt like a sell out...but I don't like my commute to school and I really want to work and live in the same community...so I was stuck in a conundrum.

That's when I did a lot of soul searching.  A lot of praying.  A lot of listening.  And a lot of applying for jobs.  And it became crystal clear that I am supposed to be at the urban school I am at.  I am in a leadership role there this year.  Kids know me.  Staff trusts me.  Last night I was praying that God would help me to see what to do...that I would feel a sense of community...that I would figure out where I belong.  At the staff meeting this morning, as teachers were sharing their passions which echo my own, it became clear.  This is where I belong.  And, this is where my son belongs.

Eventually, I will look into moving back into the city to complete the circle. Until then, my dream is being adjusted...I am close to family for the support I need (and the support I can give to my sister and my parents) and I am teaching where I need to be.  I hope and pray that eventually the three will align-live, work and worship.  For now, I am confident that the right thing to do is to fully invest in the school I am at.  That investment means bringing my son along.

Mindfulness and choice...

Tonight I spent four hours in my car.  My son's father lives in the Chicagoland area and this week he asked to have Caleb.  The plan was for him to come to my house and pick Caleb up and then head back but...alas...the man can't plan to save his life.  I hadn't heard from him at all today-he said he was going to be here in the 'early afternoon.'  Around 5pm I sent him a text message asking what the plan is.  He was on his way...around Wisconsin Dells.  I asked if he was planning to spend the night and then just leave in the morning...nope.  His plan was to just pick Caleb up and head back...so, I offered to drive to meet him in Eau Claire.  He, of course, took me up on it.  So, I got my kiddo ready, finished his packing, had dinner and we hopped in the car.

Now, there are several ways I could have handled this situation, which brings me to the title of this blog entry: "Mindfulness and Choice."  I could have allowed myself to be angry and spiteful and make Caleb's dad drive all the way here, pick my kid up at ten pm, then drive all night back to Chi-Town.  That response is perfectly fair since his dad didn't keep up his end of the bargain and didn't plan his visit.  Of course, the spiteful route would have cost me a pretty worthwhile four hours.

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Instead, I chose to be mindful.  Yes, I was irked.  Yes, I wanted to wallow in the repeated irresponsible behavior of Caleb's dad.  But instead, I I chose to be positive and move forward.  The two hours to Eau Claire, with my boy in the car, again, I chose to be mindful and appreciate the time.  We talked about construction, we sang songs, we discussed angels and God, we listened to music.  I enjoyed every second of that two hours-just me and my boy in the car.  Now, is an unexpected road trip in the early evening due to someone else's choices a joyous, fun occasion?  Nope.  But regardless of the circumstances, I can chose my reaction. 

We got to the Target in Eau Claire and his dad picked him up.  It was a pleasant exchange.  I gave my boy a big hug and off they went.  I got into my car and, as usual, I got emotional.  So, I listened to some P!NK for a while in the car wallowing in my sadness.  Every time I send my boy off with his dad, I get emotional.  It brings up the feelings of loss and guilt I have for not having a 'traditional' family for my son.  It brings up the reality that I don't have control of my son's safety or anything while he is with his dad.  Leaving him and knowing he will be 450 miles away from me for four days makes my heart break.  But, I know its all going to be okay.  His dad knows how to care for kids.  He needs a relationship with his dad.  Its good for me to have to a break.  All will be well.  

As I let P!NK distract me...I felt a nudge to change the tune.  So, I grabbed some of my worship CDs and spent the majority of the two hour drive through Wisconsin back home having a truly spiritual experience.  I spent two hours listening to music that draws me closer to God-which is exactly what I needed.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job closer to home and with the same academic calendar that Caleb will have...I'm restless and disappointed at going back to the same school in Minneapolis...and, because I chose to be mindful and positive, I got two hours of focused spiritual feeding that truly has helped me to focus and change my perspective a bit.