leaving family to become a family

Currently it is becoming more and more common for folks to either not get married at all or get married much later than the traditional early 20's of our parents generation. I am one of such people-I'm 35 and never been married. Yes, I have been in one long term relationship, and a couple of shorter term relationships, but none that led to the creation of my own marriage and a new nuclear family. Being that I am 35 and single-yes I have a child but am not married-I still consider my nuclear family to be myself, my parents, my sisters (and their kids and my bro in law) and my brother (and his kids and my sister in law). And here comes the conundrum...how and when do I know its time to let that family shift to becoming extended family and form my own nuclear family? I'm pondering the question now because I have been seeing, off and on, someone whom I care about a great deal and could definitely build a life with, for about four years. The relationship itself has been a roller coaster twisty road but, somehow, life always leads us back to each other. This man is a traveling man and he is not from the Twin Cities. He has a passionate desire to travel the world and...possibly...return to his roots in Baltimore, Maryland. Our relationship progresses at a snail's pace because of geographical differences and strong wills. He is not certain that he will stay in Minneapolis long term-he's been here for a while (again off and on) but longs for Baltimore-not just for family but also for his business and long term goals. The sticking point for us has been my reluctance to give a clear, solid answer to the question..."would you be willing to move to Baltimore, or anywhere else in the world, if it was best for our family-assuming our relationship progresses that far and we choose to build a family together?" This is not a question I have ever been posed before. In all my adult life, I have made the choices of where to live, where to work, what to do with my life on my own, knowing that my 'family' was always in the Twin Cities. Honestly, I am torn. And this uncertainty could prove to be the final demise of what could potentially be the love of my life and the start of a whole new family. Of course, things could end up falling apart for other reasons and, he could decide that the Twin Cities are a place to set down roots. The point is though, even if we get married and stay here in the Twin Cities, the ultimate question is still the same: can I surrender the individual control of my life and my current family structure to build a new family where life decisions are made together, considering all the options and opportunities not just for me, but for my husband and our children as well? The man in my life does not expect me to commit to leaving Minnesota to be with him, he is asking the bigger question-can I surrender that independence to become codependent (in a healthy, mutually supportive, marriage and family sort of way)?

How do you know when its time to let go of yourself in order to blend lives with someone else? How do you let go of the stability and structure of a family system that has been your foundation for 35 years to build a new family? I need to trust myself and the foundation I have-that it is all strong enough to be with me wherever I go? Family is not tied to geography...or is it?