Grilled cheese AND Chicken nuggets...the battle of wills.

Few parents will tell you the gory details of parenthood.  Most like to gloss over the struggles so as not to scare those without children or to avoid judgement by super parents out there with always clean, always submissive, always angelic little lovelies.  My four year old son and I have had some epic battles over the last four years. Tonight it was the great Grilled Cheese/Chicken Nugget battle of 2014.  Caleb asked for dinner, I said, okay what do you want?  This is our usual dinner time set up-I know, I know, I should plan meals, we should sit at a table and eat together at the same time every night, I had that growing up and it was wonderful.  I'm a single mom.  Its me and him.  When I make a nice dinner generally he will only pick at it and eat half and I eat my portion and we have tons of leftovers that never really get eaten...so I have given up the "lets sit together and have dinner and eat the same thing battle" for now.  We do sit down together, but we don't always eat the same thing. 

Okay, back to the point-the battle.  So, Caleb said, "I want grilled cheese AND chicken nuggets for dinner!"  He was in a good mood but did miss a nap today so I should have been on the offensive and been prepared.  I should have just offered him one thing rather than leaving it open for him to choose...alas hindsight is 20/20 and being proactive as a parent is always good.  I dropped the ball on this one.  I responded, choose one.  You can't have both.  Holy hell you would think I was asking him to make Sophie's Choice.  He began yelling, screaming, begging, pleading "I WANT BOTH!"  I put him in his room and shut the door telling him when he's ready to choose and calm down, to let me know.  That was going on 30 minutes ago.  I check on him every ten or so minutes.  The cry is still the same, "I WANT BOTH!"

This is where the real nuts and bolts, hardcore parenting comes in.  The stuff that they don't tell you about.  Does it really matter what he has for dinner?  Could I make him grilled cheese and chicken nuggets without destroying the world?  Of course.  However, the battle is not about what to eat.  The battles are never about what they seem.  The fact of the matter is, I said "no, choose one."  So, I have to stick to that.  If I want any level of respect from my son, I have to stick to what I say.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  Does it drive me insane that I am listening to him scream and cry and yell for now going on 45 minutes about something that I can easily fix?  Sure does.  But, as a parent, you always have to keep the bigger picture in mind.  Caleb need to know that what I say means something.  He needs to know that he can't always get what he wants.  He needs to know how to submit.  Which is completely against his nature because it is also against mine.  I know this about him and I know the struggles he will have in life if he doesn't learn how to accept things and make tough choices.

This is certainly not the first, nor will it be the last battle.  To parent, you need to be okay with hearing a kid scream and making him unhappy.  You have to let them struggle.  You have to let them be angry at you.  You can not take battles personally or be afraid to stand your ground.  Its exhausting....but worth it.  

Flirting with Minimalism...time to commit?

Back during my time in Chicago with Mission Year, I was first introduced to the concept of minimalism by reading the simply profound book by Richard Foster The Freedom of Simplicity.  At that time in my life it was incredibly easy to follow the guidelines for simple living because I had no real control over my own life or choices.  I was committed to the Mission year lifestyle-they controlled my finances-I got $45 a month 'spending money' which was all I had for shampoo, conditioner, make up, coffee, etc.  And, we got $120 a week for groceries for six people.  The beautiful thing is, we did it.  For a year (okay 11 months if you want to get technical) I happily lived that way.  My team of six people learned how to budget, plan meals, and spend our grocery money wisely-even with a vegetarian in the house-and were even able to splurge for a Lou Malnati's pizza every now and again.  Why did it work?  Because the control was taken from us.  We had no access to finances.  Our job was to learn how to show Christ's love to people in the neighborhood by building relationships, being good neighbors, listening, and learning from the people around us.  That time in my life was 14 years ago....holy crap am I getting old or what???  Since then, I have made and wasted more money than I can possibly imagine.  Honestly, if I sat down and actually analyzed my finances over the last 14 years, Richard Foster would actively and loudly shame me and Mission Year would not claim me as an alumni. 

Recently, the discipline of simplicity and minimalism and the battle against consumerism has come to the forefront of my mind and soul again.  Last August I moved into a new home and in the process started phase one of operation simplify and downsize.  In the process of packing I gave away truckloads of stuff that I knew I didn't use, need, or want anymore.  Then I moved and unpacked and phase two began, where I gave away even more stuff.  Now, I've been in my new place for almost a year-it will be a year in August 2014-and I still have five or so boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked.  In a frantic search for my car title, I sifted through most of those boxes over the last couple of days and ya know what?  I don't need any of it.  The question is, do I want it?  And if I do what it, for what?  Which brings me to phase 3 in my quest for simplicity...changing my mindset and desires and definitions to fit the concept of minimalism. 

Meaning, I have to redefine and retrain myself about what it means to want vs need.  I need to redefine what is useful and what is not.  And, I need to act on and live those definitions in every day life.  This is where the commitment comes into play.  Sure, I can flirt with the concept of minimalist simplicity.  I can read the blogs, share the snappy quotes, give stuff away every season but if I just buy new stuff that I don't really need or want to replace the stuff I gave away, what does it matter?  Or if I am not changing the way I take care of the possessions I do have to ensure they last a long time, it doesn't matter.  Its all talk.  I don't want it to be all talk.  I need to redefine contentment and happiness for myself and my son and build the foundation of our lives on the values I believe in so that we are living an authentic life. 

This all begs the question, "how the hell do I do that?"  Which is what I am pondering this beautiful Saturday morning in May while on my porch listening to birds sing and enjoying a light breeze.  The more and more I think about it, the more I think it all comes down to intentionality and planning. Planning meaning, taking the time each week to sit down and plan meals-exactly and stick to that plan and use that plan to buy groceries for the week-just what we need, just what we will use.  Sit down and plan what we will wear each day and make sure those clothes are clean and in the process, go through my closet and get rid of every single piece of clothing that I have not worn and...this is the kicker...and not replace those pieces with anything unless its an intentional, planned, valuable expense that lines up with the rest of the plan.  (Of course, what the rest of the plan is, I don't know yet.)

My friend Angela and I once declared ourselves superheros.  My superhero name was RandomGirl because I have no plan.  I have no routine.  I crave structure and routine and plans yet when I have them, I reject them because they feel restrictive and limiting and what if I want something else for dinner?  What if I don't feel like wearing that outfit on Tuesday?  The answer: who cares?  Why does it matter what I wear which day of the week?  Why does it matter if its a planned outfit?  Its clothing for crying out loud not heart surgery.  Why do I feel stifled by the idea of planning choices ahead of time?  I feel like its taking away my freedom to choose.  In reality, its not.  I'm still choosing, I just made the choice earlier than usual and, in making that choice earlier, I am giving myself more freedom because I am eliminating a level of chaos from my life.

This summer I am going to slowly step up my commitment to simplicity and minimalism...the hamster wheel in my brain is spinning with ideas and plans to start, tools to put in place to help me on the journey.  I'm marinating on those thoughts and ideas and working out a plan...as the plan grows to fruition, I will share it and share my progress on the commitment and plan...its overwhelming but in a good, manageable way.