Introverted Single Mother

I always thought  was an extrovert.  The first inklings I had to my true introverted nature came during my Grad School/Teaching residency experience in 2005-2006.  During that time, I was with people 12 or more hours a day.  I worked in a classroom with students for a full school day then attended classes with my cohort in the evenings.  During this incredibly insane time I became a bit of a hermit.  At the time, I just figured it was stress and the work load of being a full time Masters degree student and a full time teacher.  Then came my first year of teaching.  Again, I was solely responsible for the learning of 35-42 high energy eighth grade students on the 2nd floor of the school where there was only one other teacher housed.  Well, that's not completely true.  On the far other end of the second floor were the art and drama teachers but on our end, it was me and the 7th grade teacher and about 75 urban middle school kids.  That year I lived about two miles from the school I worked at and I remember never turning the radio on in my car for the brief ride home-usually after working for at least 10 hours.  And I remember coming home and just sitting on my couch to decompress for awhile not even wanting my adorable cats to come near me for at least an hour.  I didn't turn the tv on.  I didn't turn music on.  I pushed my cats away.  I needed to be alone.  Completely and utterly alone to refuel for at least an hour or so.  Again, that year was a pretty dry year in terms of my social life.  The following year was similar due to the school I was working at.  Then I moved back to Minneapolis from Chicago and became somewhat more social.  I have never been a social butterfly.   I prefer small groups of friends with intimate connections to large parties, etc.  I hate striking up conversations with people and small talk terrifies me.  Still, during these times I thought of myself as an extrovert.  Why?  I have no idea.  Probably because I enjoy being around people...but I don't particularly enjoy actually interacting with people.  Its a fine line to walk.  I love working at a coffee shop. I love the bustle of people and the music playing but I don't want to actually interact with the bustle or the people.  I'm there for the ambiance and the illusion of social networking.  The truth of my introvertedness hit me like a ton of bricks when I became a single mother working full time. 

A definition I found for introvert is:  "Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge.""

As a truly single parent (meaning I am solely responsible for the care of my child 24/7/365 because his father chooses not to be an active parent and lives 450 miles away.  Yes he pays child support but the actual care giving is all me, all the time), I have been in a state of constant exhaustion.  Not simply from the demands of parenthood and working and the balancing act that is life but because I don't have the much needed alone time to recharge my introverted nature.  I chose a profession where I am with people and giving myself to students during the entire workday.  I don't even have an office to myself-its shared with the entire English department.  I don't even have a classroom to myself-I move to different rooms each hour.  During the school day from 7:10am until 2:50pm I am surrounded by people.  Non stop.  Then, I have a quick (again silent) 10 minute drive to pick up my precious boy who I am then with until bedtime.  And, he is a kid who doesn't need a lot of sleep, so his bedtime is usually pretty much the same as mine.  This begs the question, when does this introvert recharge?   I think that is what I need to figure out...I need to schedule a little bit of decompression time into my daily and weekly routine.  I need to be creative to figure it out and force myself to take the time for my own sanity and to be the best mother I can be.  This realization came to me over the last few weeks as I was trying to figure out why I always feel so completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Its because I am not taking care of my introverted single mother self and am allowing myself to become drained to the point of no return...to the point where I am no good to anyone and my energy is completely gone.

So, time to get creative and figure out how to incorporate that recharging time...

treasures, hearts and legacy

Throughout my life I have struggled with financial responsibility.  I suck at paying my bills on time (if at all), my credit is crap, I owe family members lots and lots of moolah.  I've been reading a lot of financial planning/responsibility books/articles by all the big names: Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, stuff from Richard Foster, pocket your dollars, the minimalist movement, etc.  I know in my head what I need to do to become financially wise, stable and responsible.  Its not at all a knowledge issue.  I know without a doubt that having McDonalds for breakfast and dinner is not financially responsible, wise or being a good steward of the immeasurable gifts God has given me.  Yet, I make that choice.  So the issue becomes an issue of will.  Sure there are lots of 'reasons' I suck with money.  Lots of excuses I could make.  I could spend even more time and money going to counseling to get to the deep roots of what need I am trying to feed with my bad spending...but...none of that really matters.  What matters is the choices I make.  And, thanks to the TV show Lucky Dog, what motivates me.  See, on Lucky Dog this week on CBS the dog training guru Brandon McMillan was attempting to train a high energy rescue dog named Charlie so she can be adopted into a family with a dog who needs a friend.  As he was working with Charlie (who is part lab part some other crazy high energy, playful dog), he started off offering her treats to listen to his commands.  She didn't give a flying fig about the delectable snacks he offered.  Charlie was not motivated by food.  So, rather than keep up the crazy food motivation, the wise Brandon took out a tennis ball in an attempt to lure sweet Charlie into obedience.  And ya know what?  It worked!  That spazzy, immature, stray dog became calm, motivated, ready to please and so whatever it took to get the green fuzzy sphere of fun that Brandon controlled.  This got me thinking...how does that apply to human behavior?  Specifically me and my issues with money.

The books I have read and articles I have come across mostly use money and wealth to motivated people to use money and wealth wisely.  Like: invest your money now so you can retire early and travel the world, or get a nice car, or get a fancy schamancy house or fill in the blank with the materialistic desire of your heart.  For me, this is the problem.  I am not motivated by that stuff.  I don't really want to be rich for the sake of being able to buy bigger, better stuff.  I don't even really want to be rich at all.  My financial desire for my live is to be stable-pay all my bills, have a nice size savings account so that when my car needs breaks or the washer breaks down I can pay cash and get er done, have money for Caleb's college, and, perhaps, be able to take some vacations every now and again AND be able to give.  To give ridiculously generously to whomever I choose for whatever reason I choose without abandon.

I'm reading an historical fiction novel by Bodie Thoene called When Jesus Wept.  Its a beautifully written, creatively told, take on the relationship Jesus had with Lazarus, Mary and Martha.  (Note:  it is FICTION, so please please please don't get into some crazy fundamentalist debate with me about the accuracy of the story.)  In the story, after Mary experiences the transforming love of Christ in person, she opens her home and wealth up to the least of these among her.  When her brother and sister (who had not had their own intimate interactions with Jesus yet) found out about this reckless abandon and dramatic change in her life, Lazarus said, "It seemed to me, Mary's generosity to the needy had become careless and profligate."  For those of you who, like me didn't know, profligate means:  recklessly extravagant or wasteful in the use of resources. 

This part brought to my mind the verses about storing up treasures in heaven rather than on earth where rust and moth destroy and where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Many people see the verse about storing up treasures in heaven to mean as you do good work on earth, your material treasure in heaven is bigger and better.  You get more jewels in your crown, etc.  But I wonder, does that materialistic view of treasures in heaven really line up with Jesus?  I mean, if different people have different jewels and materials in heaven, how is that paradise?  I wonder if it means more of intangible treasures.  I wonder if Jesus is talking about lives impacted.  Society helped.  People encouraged.  I wonder if the treasures are really more legacies.  Legacies of recklessly extravagant generosity.  Not building up a mountain of money, investments, houses, boats, vacation homes, etc that will all be left to rust or get fought over by people seeking more consumer pleasure from your hard work.  What if, its about providing meals to people who need them?  Or clothes?  Or cars?  Or homes?  Or being recklessly extravagant in your funding of missionaries and community developers or educators around the world (or in your neighborhood) you are doing the hard work of kingdom building that not all of us are called to or able to do?  Doesn't that line up more with the God of love and provision that we know?  God provides for the children He created and loves THROUGH the children he created and loves.  The incredible wealth of Christians in America is staggering...if we started to give like Mary...if we sought to invest in a legacy...if we became truly, honestly, intentionally, deeply, recklessly extravagant and free in our generosity what could be accomplished?

That is my motivation for financial security.  I want to be able to freely, generously, recklessly give as the generous lover of my soul guides me to. And to do this all without keeping a record, or looking for a tax deduction, or expecting anything in return.  Just giving with God as my guide and faith in the legacy and long term.  People take advantage of these situations, I know, but so what?  I want to be in a place where financially, it won't hurt if that happens.  Sure, it will hurt my heart, but if I am giving by God's leading, then the giving is His not mine.  All I have is His.  He will guide and take care of the rest. 

I'm also not talking about the KTIS "Drive Through Difference" thing-buying souls for Jesus.  I'm talking about really providing for someone's deepest needs-not a cup of five dollar coffee on their way to work.  (Yes, I know, I am cynical and evil but I HATE the Drive Through Difference being made into a sharing the gospel kind of thing...its about being kind and generous but I find it very hard to believe the someones ENTIRE LIFE was changed and they found Jesus and salvation because someone bough their over indulgent coffee.  If someone is IN the drive through already ordering a $5 latte, they HAVE the money to buy it.  Its not a blessing in the sense of meeting someone's true need.  Yes, it brings a smile to their face.  Yes, it sends some light into the world.  Yes, hopefully it makes them a little kinder.  But is it life changing?  No. End of rant.)

I'm talking about making financial choices in a whole different way on every level of life in a way that intentionally impacts the Kingdom of God.  Thinking about needs vs wants in a deeper way.  Considering where you shop and why.  Looking into the practices of companies you support-what is their salary scale?  What benefits are offered?  How do they treat their wealth?  Asking tough questions of yourself.  Living a less consumer driven life...What that looks like in reality...I dunno yet.  Is it even possible?  I have no idea...its an inspiring vision though...I'll keep you posted.