Man-Fast take two....

Alrighty, I think I finally got the message. I need to take care of myself and not date. Or at the very least, not focus on dating or my desire to have a partner in life. Yes, you guessed it, Anthony and I have ended round oh 876 of our relationship. Only this time, I really am done. Its exhausting to try to build something with someone who just isn't as into you or the idea of a relationship as you are. The excuses are irrelevant. The justifications are dumb. The truth is there...I don't even like him that much. He annoys me. He doesn't listen to me. We don't click. I was trying to force something to develop that just wasn't there on either end. Why oh why would I do something so insane? Because I am 33. I'm going to be 34 in 9 months and 17 days. Not that I'm counting. The idea of being single at 34 or 35 or 40 quite honestly scares the hell out of me. I want to be married. I want a partner in life. The older I get, the less likely that seems. So I grasp onto relationships that I really don't want because it seems better than being alone. What is so wrong with being alone? What is so wrong with being the crazy cat lady? Why do I feel inadequate on my own? Is it about me or about expectations of society? I have lots of friends who are single and I do not look at them with pity or think they need a man in their life, so why o I put that pressure on myself? I like my life. Of course I want someone to share my life with but at what cost? Its often said that once you stop looking the 'one' crosses your path. The thing is, I don't want to think about in those terms. I want to be content in my life how is now with where I am now in all aspects and live my life the way I want to, not always feeling like I am lacking something or waiting for that person who will 'complete me." Which incientally I think is a load of crap. I don't want someone to complete me, I want someone to share myself with. I think a six month hiatus of looking is a good idea. Please Lord, help me to stick to it this time!

One step forward, five steps back

Life has a way of constantly changing. Since April, I have been on a roller-coaster of changes that I just can't get off of. I lost my job. The I got a great job offer, only to find out my MN teaching license wasn't up to date so I couldn't sign a contract. I contacted the powers that be and was told that they weren't looking for anyone else but couldn't actually hold the position for me, but things seemed to be in order. Well, the jokes on me. Today I got an email from the school saying they filled the position so here I am back at square one with no job.

Then there was the unemployment appeal. I got unemployment then was told my former employer was appealing the unemployment request so I had to have hearing with a judge to determine if I am eligible for benefits or not. The hearing was supposed to take place on Friday but at the last minute the employer withdrew the appeal. Yipppee for me. At least I still got that goin for me.

So the next level of drama...my current apartment will not renew my lease so I have to move. I was all set for the perfect apartment then the landlord rented it to someone else. Im almost ready for apartment number two-which I like and can afford-but they want a double deposit because of my crappy credit. ARGH. I don't know if I can do that or not. I gotta sit down and crunch some serious numbers and figure out what my options are. There is always my sisters basement...but damn...I's 33 years old with a master's degree do I really need to resort to that?

I'm so tired of the struggle and of the drama. I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point.