Seriously? Is there something in the water?

Once again, I am minding my own business, leading my life, getting ready for my kiddo to join the world, not contacting anyone with a penis for any reason whatsoever and in the last two days-THREE EXES have contacted me. Of course, one is kind of expected-that would be baby daddy. But, for the last three months I haven't heard a word from him then all of a sudden over the past week, he's mister chatty cathy calling and texting on a regular basis, offering to buy baby furniture. Of course, nothing has materialized out of that yet. The second was Beautiful Dreadlock Man (BDM) who has since cut off his locks, which is beside the point. The reason for his contact? To propose marriage. Yes, he is fully aware that I am currently knocked up by The Ex and he offered to be my baby daddy, if I move to Baltimore to be with him. Mind you, I haven't seen the man in almost a year and when I informed him of my pregnancy, he went off on me and told me every evil thought a person could ever have about another person and everything I never wanted to know about myself-which he has done on more than one occasion. Of course, he apologized for that, a few times. During this conversation, he informed me that since we dated he compares everyone he meets to me and is 'addicted' to me. His words, not mine. Went on and on and on about how cute I am, how we have such great, deep conversations, blah blah blah. I informed him that I am not moving to Baltimore nor am I committing myself to marry a man I haven't seen in over a year after such a tumultuous time we did have together. The next offer from him was this-he wants to come to Minneapolis and stay with me for a few weeks to see if he can find a job, how we work out, then possibly move here so we can be one big happy family. I was like, yeah sure, knock yourself out. Its not going to happen because I strongly believe the idea came out of a drunken and pot fueled stupor. Since the offer was made, I have not heard from him. So much for a wedding in my future! Last, but not least, is the DJ. We dated off and on for a year, after lots and lots of drama ended things. He informed me during our relationship that he wasn't ready for anything serious and just didn't have time to devote to me. Yet, less than a month after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. Interesting how one finds the time all of a sudden? Tonight, he sent me a text. "How ya doin, K?" What the hell is that all about? I have made it perfectly clear that he and I are not friends and that I want nothing to do with him, so why does he feel the need to contact me? When he informed me of his new girlfriend, I informed him that he could take a flying leap off the edge of a short cliff with his insecure, lying ass and never contact me again. Yet, here he is. Along with the others....creeping back into my life. For what? Honestly, I don't get it.

The crazy thing is, this happens about every three months or so. You can read about it in past blogs. Perhaps I need to change my phone number. Every three months or so, all of my exes (the major exes anyway) contact me within a week of each other. I do not contact them. I don't even have their phone numbers (except baby daddy for obvious reasons). Yet, they keep mine and contact me at seemingly random intervals. Perhaps there is a cosmic link that needs to be explored. Maybe the stars align every three months and the fates send a message to all my exes to contact me and torment me.

Baby Daddy Drama Disintigrating?

After not hearing from the baby daddy since he dropped the bomb about his current relationship not being with me or our child for over a month, we spoke. I called him because I was angry and needed to vent to him and I was in the process of setting up doctors appointments and trying to figure things out that involved him. A few days after my voice mail message, he called back informing me that he lost his phone which is why he took so long to call back. Classic. During the course of our relationship there was hardly a week that went by when his phone wasn't lost, broken, not charged-because he lost the charger or otherwise not working. I jumped right into what I needed to say.

I proceeded to let him know that I am severely disappointed in his actions since I told him I was pregnant with our child and that I was angry at his lack of involvement. I explained that since I found out about the pregnancy, my life has been turned upside down. Every single day I think about this pregnancy. I pray for this baby. I prepare for this baby. My body is changing. I had to tell people about the baby. And he...well...he can choose not to be involved. He is 450 miles away and that is completely unfair.

He was quiet for a minute then, in a very humble voice said, "I'm sorry. I will try to do better."

We then delved into the topic of his relationship and why I was so angry the last time we talked. It seems, I misunderstood what he said about the woman in his life. He met her THIS summer and the relationship has since been progressing. To attempt to get an idea of what the hell progressing means, I asked, "on a scale of 1-10, how serious is this relationship." His response: "5." Then I asked, "do you love her." He got quiet for a minute or so then said, "I like her but no, I do not love her." This was considerably more information than I got from our previous conversation when my questions and astonishment were met with, "its none of your business."

I also asked how involved he wanted to be in this pregnancy and child's life. He seemed genuinely offended by this question. I explained that since he had not called me to see how I or the baby are, had not responded to my emailed ultra sound photos or questions about baby names or nursery themes, did not return my calls, that it seemed pretty clear that his intentions were to not be involved. My statements were again met by a silence, then an apology and a promise to do better.

We then had a cordial conversation and that was that. I had no expectations of anything but sent him the next set of ultrasound pictures and updated doctor appointment dates. And tonight, I got a phone call. Baby daddy says he is going to come to visit sometime in the next month and he would like to buy a dresser/changing table for the baby's room that I found on craigslist. From there, we had a good conversation about how I am doing, what I need and just general life stuff.

Of course, right now, this is all still just talk from him. But, perhaps, he really is choosing to step up and be involved. Perhaps I will have some support from him sooner than I expected.

Pride vs Personal Responsiblity

I was raised in a family built on the protestant work ethic in the personal responsibility focused, independence loving, United States of America with the age old republican values of personal responsibility-you take care of yourself and your family. My father worked long hours to do just that-take care of his family. I do not know of any time he asked for help from his parents or any other people-financially or otherwise. He may have, but if he did, I am sure he paid back every dime ever borrowed with interest. That is just the kind of man he is. He will do whatever it takes to provide, on his own, to the best of his ability, for his family and church. My father has religiously tithed more than 10% and also invested in other people and causes that he finds important-helping out his children, and various other worthy causes. This sense of personal responsibility is a value that can lead to a deep sense of pride, and you know what they say, "pride goes before a fall." So here is my question, what is the difference between pride and personal responsibility and how do we balance the two in light of a spiritual calling to 'love one another as Christ loved the Church"? And, how to we provide support to our family and neighbors in need without creating and rewarding irresponsibility and dependency?

I have requested and received far more than my fair share of financial support from my parents over the years-some of the need is due to situations beyond my control but some of the need is also due to consistent bad choices regarding money and simply not thinking ahead. My intentions are good. When I ask for assistance from my parents, I fully intend to pay them back. Unfortunately, that has yet to begin to happen and it makes me very, very sad and makes me feel like a failure or a disappointment to my father. Are these feelings based on pride-me thinking I should be further along in life at this point? Me being humiliated that I can't find a job and have struggled to fit into the education world? Or are they my sense of personal responsibility pushing me to step up and be responsible and take care of myself as I should?

Personal responsibility involves taking care of yourself-paying your bills, buying your food, contributing to society by working, and making sacrifices to choose to live within the means you earn. But what happens when circumstances after circumstances keep pushing you further and further behind until you are drowning and desperate? That is when pride can lead to destruction and chaos that may never be overcome. Pride is refusing to ask for help or support from people who love you and want whats best for you because you are convinced you have to do it on your own.

Receiving support from friends and family should encourage and inspire a person in need to keep pushing forward and to pay it forward-meaning when you get on your feet, you treat others the way you have been treated. This support should also lead to a sense of humility and transformation as well as a desire to show appreciation and respect for what you have and those who have helped you to become who you are-and who God is leading you to become.

This is a precarious balance I strive to maintain but often feel myself falling short and I am not sure why. Since I was fired from my job in April, I have applied for thousands of jobs. My routine is to check the Minneapolis Public Schools job board, the District 11 job board, The Minnesota Council of Non-Profits job board, Monster.com, careerbuilder.com, craigslist then The Minneapolis Star Tribune. When I go to these sites, I apply for any job that I think I might remotely qualify for. I have various versions of my resume and cover letter designed to target different types of jobs. And....nothing. I get great rejection calls and letters saying how I was so close to what they wanted but there were just one or two more qualified candidates. My desire is to teach so I did the research and applied to a program at Hamline University to take the courses needed to meet the requirements that I need to teach 5th-12th grade Language Arts in Minnesota. I posted ads to sell things I own that I don't really need. I took a load of books and dvds to Half Price Books to attempt to get some funding. I humbled myself to the point that I listed my prized possession-my carefully collected classroom library-on craigslist to sell. I am doing everything I can to get on my feet and take care of myself. I don't know what else I can do. I am entering my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and have not purchased any maternity clothes yet. I haven't gotten the heater fan fixed in my car yet or the caliper replaced yet....and its snowing here in MN already.

What does a person who longs to be personally responsible and able to provide for others and bless those in her life whom she cares deeply for, do when she simply can't get ahead?

pre-natal depression

Funny thing about getting knocked up by an ex completely unexpectedly is that the emotional roller coaster is unexplainable and leaves one feeling...well...not exactly motherly. Over the last two weeks I have lost the excitement and joy that pending motherhood should bring. The loss of that joy has brought on feelings of guilt. What kind of person becomes depressed when they are in the process of creating a new life? A person who is terrified and alone, that's who. And the hard part is, I don't feel like I am allowed to talk about these feelings without judgment. For example, last night I went to a friend's restaurant to see another friend perform her music. I had not seen these friends since before I became pregnant and, to complicate the situation, I used to be their youth leader at church. Talk about a fall from grace...but that is another story. "Are you excited?" was a question I have been asked often over the last 11 weeks when people hear I am pregnant. My response has always been, "yes, of course! Its great!" But last night, I just couldn't lie. When asked that question, I responded, "Honestly? No, I am not excited, I am terrified." The topic of conversation was quickly changed due to the awkwardness felt by all. Oh well.

Pregnancy is meant to be a journey shared by two people who join together to create a life out of their shared love and is usually a joyful, expectant, exciting time. Unfortunately, the pregnancy journey of a single mother is bittersweet, especially if that single mother, like myself, happens to be unemployed and the baby daddy is 450 miles away developing a new relationship with another woman, blissfully uninvolved in the tensions the mother is facing every day.

As time passes and the pregnancy continues, the pressure and changes continue to mount. My clothes are starting to get snug, my bras don't exactly fit right anymore and I know this is just the beginning of a very long journey. I don't have money to buy maternity clothes just yet, so I am hoping to be able to squeeze into my regular clothes a while longer. To add to the depression, last year I joined a gym and started working out to lose weight. It went well, I lost 40 pounds. My clothes became loose. That bought me some time because slowly over the last month, those clothes have begun to fit again but now are becoming snug. Its like all that work I did to lose weight was meaningless. I no longer have control over my own body.

My entire life has changed because of this pregnancy and I am not completely overjoyed about those changes. This is not to say that I am not happy I am going to have a child. I am happy, but I also have a million other negative emotions running around inside me as well. Fear is one. How am I going to be able to provide for this child? How am I going to be able to prepare for this child? I also feel a sense of loss too. Loss of my freedom and the life I had, and the dreams I had. Shortly before I became pregnant I had come to terms with the idea of never having children. I decided I would be content as an aunt to the many, many children in life, helping their parents in whatever way I could and developing relationships with those children I care so deeply about. I have never felt a strong desire to procreate or bear children but here I am, pregnant. Ironic, eh?

I know that this child is a blessing and I know, deep in my heart that things will be okay for us and that God will work things out in amazing ways. Right now, I have no idea how that will happen and it causes fear and depression to take over my heart sometimes.

Dreams....which to focus on?

Recently I was depressed and felt very very lost in life so I did what I always do when I feel that way-headed to the bookstore. Literature and books speak to me. I am a book person and don't suggest the library, its a waste of time. I must own books....but I digress. My bookstore jaunts generally follow a routine. First I check out the tables of novels that are on sale from there I wander through the self help section to see if any titles seem to address my current ailment, then a quick walk through the teen/young adults lit-I must keep current for my teaching career-and generally settle in the relgious section. I look through the Christian Fiction to see if anything peaks my interest. Generally speaking Christian Fiction is too fluffy and cheesy for my cynical, jaded experience but I have a few favorite authors and once in a while come across a hidden treasure. After the Christian Fiction, I head to Spirituality and Religion, again looking for titles that may speak to my current empty, lost feeling or to see if there is anything new from any of my time honored favorite spiritual leaders. And there it was. A new book from one of my time honored favorite Christian authors and speakers, Erwin McManus. I have all of his books and have heard him speak several times. Erwin has a way of telling truth and inspiring genuine growth and action that few Christian leaders have. He is brutally honest and very real in what he writes. There is no Christian-lite here, which is why I love him. His works inspire action, rather require action. You really can't walk away from a book of his without moving forward in some aspect of your life.

The book is called WIDE AWAKE and is about living life wide awake and choosing to follow your God given dreams. The key to much of McManus' writing is the word 'choice' which is something else I love-responsibility and empowerment balanced with trusting God. The book called to me and I bought it. The other thing about these books, one can not devour them. They are simply deep and challenge the reader spiritually, intellecutally, and to reflect on your life. So, I've been working through the book about half a chapter a night and I am almost finished, at which time, I will read it again because its that good.

WIDE AWAKE reminded me of my dreams. Not cheesy dreams you have at night, but those dreams that fuel your passion and your life. Dreams that become your calling and inspire you. McManus asks us to rediscover those God given dreams and passions that inspire us, precisely because they are God given. As children of God, we are created for a purpose and should be living our lives wide awake and vibrantly pursuing those passionate dreams that excite us. We should be waking up excited for what the day holds not sadly dreading the trek to a job we simply endure for the sake of a paycheck.

I have experienced both sides of that coin. For more than ten years, I worked simply to work. I did not look forward to going to work. It was a job, not a calling nor a career. And this was in various jobs-customer service, office management, social services, etc. I was good at my jobs but it was just that, a job. A means to an end. A paycheck. Then, I did the work, made the sacrifices I needed to make, and pursued my dream of urban teaching.

My first year of teaching at Marconi Community Academy on the westside of Chicago was the first time in my life that I ever felt like work was not work. I literally could not believe that I was getting paid to teach. I was contacted to work seven hours a day but generally worked at least 12 hours. A co-worker and I were the first people to school in the morning and the last to leave at night. I was challenged. I was inspired. It was not easy by any means. That first year was by far the hardest year of work I have ever done but it did not feel like work. I was in the place God created me to be, pursuing my dreams in line with His created purpose for me. Things did not go smoothly and I transitioned to another school, then another school and things again did not end well so I left teaching.

Since I left teaching, I have been very disillusioned because teaching seemed to be so clearly what I was called to do. I didn't leave teaching of my own accord, I was fired due to lots of messes that you can read about in previous posts. Due to all of this, I was lost. WIDE AWAKE is helping me to refocus and trust God with those dreams again and I am looking into various things.

Part of why I have this hiatus from teaching is because I need to get my Minnesota teaching license in order. Illinois has very different requirements for teaching middle school-which I met but they did not transfer to Minnesota. So, I couldn't take a job that was offered to me to teach middle school reading because my license wasn't right. This, of course, added to my disillusionment with teaching and the education system and its hoops. I began looking for jobs in all fields I had experience in and did not pursue anything related to teaching or related to getting my license in order. In the process of reading WIDE AWAKE, I got refocused and applied to a program to take the classes I need to get my 5-12th grade Language Arts license, met with the program coordinator and make a plan to get things in order. Hopefully I will start classes this winter.

While looking into this education program I came across another program that ignites my passion-a Masters of Fine Arts in Writing. I love writing and have always dreamt of becoming a published writer. This program walks you through the process of making that happen and gives you the experience and education needed to teach college level writing courses. The truly amazing part of the program is the last two semesters. During the last two semesters, I would work with advisors and experienced writers and editors to write a book. Literally, to write a book with the support of a team of people to lead to publishing. So, now I am in a conundrum...which dream do I pursue?

Both teaching and writing have been life long dreams of mine. The teaching license program will take about two years, the writing program-I'm not sure. I love education. I love going to classes but the financial investment is crazy-I already owe more than I should in student loans because of my Master's degree and the roundabout route I took to complete my undergraduate degree. Would the investment be worth it? What would be the best investment of my time and money-especially now that I have the little one to think about.

To become a published writer and a Language Arts teacher-is it overly ambitious to pursue both dreams? Is it asking too much to think that God is calling me to both?

Baby Daddy Drama

Funny how you always here about baby momma drama....well I have heard a great deal of baby daddy drama from a close friend over the last couple of years and now am experiencing my own. The first week of August, my ex wanted to come visit me here in Minneapolis. I had just ended a casual relationship with someone here and was in the process of moving, so I agreed to his visit. We hadn't seen each other since I put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship by leaving Chicago and returning to Minneapolis on June 13, 2008. Oh wait, I forgot, he came to visit me in August of 2008 to bring me stuff that he thought I needed from Chicago. So, it had been about a year since we saw each other. We emailed and spoke once in a while just to catch up be friendly. The contact was initiated by him as were both August visits. I had moved on and closed that door. While he was here in August 09, he helped me move into my new place, helped me paint my new place, visited my family, hung out with my friends and acted like he did when we were together. During that week, we slept together-again at his initiation. While he was here I attempted to have conversations about why he came, what he was looking for, what the purpose was, etc. These conversations never went anywhere. My ex is skilled at blatant avoidance. I ask a direct question like, "Why did you come to visit me?" And he responds with a blank stare and silence. For ten minutes. We had our last stalemate the night he left, literally a few hours before I dropped him off at the bus station. I asked where we go from here, what this means, what he wants, etc. Again...blank stares and silence. Not that I was surprised, this had happened throughout our entire relationship which was the main reason I ended it.

He got on the bus and went home to Chicago and I went on with my life here. Honestly, when he was here I had no real feelings for him anymore. The spark, the interest, the romantic side of our relationship was dead. I was relieved that the feelings were in the past because before he came, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was with him for five years and thought he would be the man I was going to marry and be with forever-so it was healing to have the closure. I moved on, not contacting him again and knowing that the relationship had run its course and was over. No hard feelings, no anger, no drama, just done. I had forgiven him for the hurts from before and simply moved forward with my life. Then, I didn't get my period.

About three weeks after his visit, I realized my period was late so I took a pregnancy test that was positive, then immediately went to the Target clinic to get verification of the results and called him. And called him. And called him. And texted him. See, the man is notorious for not answering his phone, letting his phone battery die, losing his phone and not checking his voicemail. So, in my experience, the best way to get in touch with him was to keep calling every couple of hours or so. I finally got in touch with him a day or so after the positive confirmation and told him I was pregnant and it was his. He was shocked and I gave him time to let it sink in. The funny thing is, earlier this year he an I were talking on Yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't knock you up before you moved," in a veiled way of saying, I wish you stayed.

He was supportive, acted excited. Talked about baby names with me. Then he drove a 14 hour round trip at the last minute to spend Labor Day with me so we could talk. He was literally here for eight, maybe ten hours. During that time he said he was thinking about moving to Minnesota. Again, he acted very much like we were together. He went to a family BBQ with me, hugged my nephews, chatted with my sisters and mom, broke bread with us. Again, I tried to ask direct questions to figure out what was going on, he played the avoidance game. After that visit, we kept in contact on a fairly regular basis having conversations I am sure most expecting parents have. Here is where the drama comes in.

I called him a couple of weeks ago just to talk about stuff-give him the dates of my doctor appointments, tell him about the doctor appointments I had, general stuff. He dropped a bomb. Out of nowhere he informs me that he has been seeing someone for a year and its now 'getting serious.' Huh?!? This was new to me. No time while he was with me for a week in August, or Labor Day, or any time in the conversations we had before, had he mentioned a serious relationship. Yes, he and I had both dated other people-I was very honest with him about that. He knew the names of guys I had seen and the status of those relationships throughout the entire last year and before he came to visit in August. He mentioned that he was dating various people but insisted it was nothing serious, yet two weeks after coming to see me on Labor Day and telling me that he is thinking about moving to Minneapolis, he informs me he is in a 'serious' relationship. What the hell?!?

I lost it. I asked him some questions like, "does she know where you were the first week of August?" and "is she aware that you drove here on Labor Day to see me?" and "are you going to inform her that I am pregnant?" and "are you going to continue to see her?" Of course, there was no answer to these questions other than, "its none of your business." Alrighty then.

The baby daddy drama comes from his deceit. Had he told me he was seeing someone, even casually, I would not have allowed him into my home or my bed in August. When I found out I was pregnant with his child, I would not have allowed myself to open the emotional connections that I had closed before. But rather than being open and honest with me, he chose to deceive. The crazy thing is, this was the course of our entire relationship. Throughout the five years we were together, I know of three times he lied at me point blank about relationships with other women, and cheated on me at least four times. Of course, I found out about these situations on my own and when he was questioned directly, he avoided the questions. I just did not expect to be played by him again. I had moved on. I had closed that door, then the baby comes along and I have to open the connection again. Its very confusing for me right now. So, I closed the door on any level of relationship between he and I for now. I told him clearly not to contact me unless he had a specific question about the pregnancy or our child. Hopefully over the next few months, I will work through my anger and hurt and be able to figure out a way to develop a co-parenting relationship with him that will not be destructive to our child. He is a great father but incredibly immature when it comes to relationships and completely incapable of honesty.

the twilight zone

Since the day I found out I am pregnant, August 23rd, I have felt like I am living in the twilight zone. My life does not, in any way shape or form, feel like it belongs to me. I am 33 years old, single, unemployed, and pregnant but I do have my bachelor's degree and master's degree and years of experience teaching and working in administrative positions and customer service....yet, for the last four months I have sent out hundreds of resumes, applied to hundreds of jobs, religiously checked CareerBuilder.com, the Minnesota Council of Non-Profits job website, the Minneapolis Star Tribune website, Craigslist, the Minneapolis Public Schools job website, District 11s job website, and here I am....without a job yet expecting a child. Not a place I ever thought I would be. I grew up with all the dreams little girls have: go to college, fall in love, get a great job that lasts forever, get married, buy a house, THEN have kids.

Of course, as I got older and had various experiences those dreams shifted a bit and got a bit more specific. Urban teaching became the great job-"making a difference" blah blah blah. The dream house became either a condo in the city or an old Victorian or something in the city to slowly rehab and make my own-specifically with a turret. The marriage idea became more specific too when I fell in love...but it didn't exactly turn out the way I hoped either. After six years of a relationship that felt like it was going nowhere (not by my choice, but by his fear) I walked out on that dream.

Ironically enough, a year after I returned from Chicago and completely severing those ties to him, he came to visit me here in Minneapolis and yep, you guessed it-we got pregnant. Here's the real irony about the whole getting knocked up by my ex thing-a few months ago we were talking via yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't get you pregnant before you left." To which I responded, what the hell does that mean? He laughed it off and said he was kidding....but obviously there was something deeper there. He wanted me to have a reason to stay in Chicago with him, but he wasn't strong enough to give me that reason 16 months ago.

So, here I am living in an apartment in Minneapolis looking for a job, pregnant and on my own. What part of the dream have I achieved? None, which is why I feel like my life is not my own, why I feel like I live in the twilight zone where nothing is under my control, where I am outside myself watching this life happen to me rather than me being a part of creating it. Obviously my choices have led me to the place I am, but there are also forces at work beyond me that I am battling with and struggling to figure out. Why, after all the interviews that seemed to go so well, do I get the nicely worded rejection letter or email? I wish they would just be honest and laid it out there instead of being so trite: "you're great but we hired someone more qualified" should be "look, here are the reasons why we chose someone else, work on those so you get a friggen job."

The dream house or condo in the city has become two options now that I am pregnant: either move into my sister's basement which they would convert into an apartment for me out in Ham Lake, or work with my father to buy a mobile home out in Blaine or Coon Rapids. Not exactly what I always hoped for. I can keep my apartment in the city, by the park and coffee shops but honestly, it scares the hell out of me to be a single mom so far away from my family. If I had a partner in this, sure I would stay where I am. I have enough space, its centrally located, I'm by a park and in a neighborhood I adore. But, living here as a single mother poses all sorts of challenges. For instance, if I have to go run errands and don't want to take the little one with me, I will need to drive 20 miles to my family for a babysitter. If I chose to take little bit with me, there is the the challenge of unloading my car of whatever items I needed (most likely diapers) and safely transporting the baby into the house as well. See, the parking spot I have for my apartment is on the opposite end of the building from my apartment-so yeah, I could take the baby in, make sure she's as safe as can be, then run to the opposite end of the building to my car and get the loot. Its a daunting task. I honestly don't know how single mothers do it sometimes. Especially those with more than one small child.

Part of feeling like I am in the twilight zone too, is that my choices are no longer my own. Everything I do from what I choose to eat to how I arrange my apartment or where I choose to live are no longer about me. Now, with everything, I think about this child first, then later myself. Parenthood involves the complete letting go of yourself and your agenda and your dreams. Even though I am just ten weeks along, I already see this happening with me in big and little things. My priorities are shifting, my dreams are changing, my hopes are different. The dream Victorian house in the city as turned into a two bedroom mobile home with new appliances in Blaine. The dream job teaching at a great school with supportive administrators who give me freedom has become...well...anything that pays at least $15 an hour. The true love has become the hope that he will support our child regardless of his feelings for me. The dream car has been replaced by the hope that my current car doesn't fall apart and that the grinding sound on the brakes really isn't a big deal and that I can somehow find the funds to get the brakes and the fan that blows heat fixed before winter.

Priorities change. Dreams and hopes shift. I want to feel like my life is my own again, but I am not sure how to do that. I am working on letting go of the control I thought I had over my life and trying to trust that my Abba Father will provide and protect in ways I can't imagine now. Right now, I am praying for peace and health and continuing to apply for every job I think I might qualify for and continuing to get ready to be a mom.

Knocked up ordained minister and middle school teacher looking for work

While I have only known I am growing a baby inside of me for ten days, it feels like a lifetime. The second that second line on the stick started to show a faint pink blur my life was turned upside down. This is not what I had planned or what I wanted or what I hoped for but it will be good. I mean really, this year has not exactly set me up to be prepared for parenthood let alone single parenthood. I lost my job in April and have been actively seeking employment since then to no avail. Lots of interviews that I thought went well only to end with the kind rejection letter and lots of resumes and applications filled out for jobs I am either entirely under-qualified for or overqualified for. (sorry random interjection-why is under-qualified hypenated but overqualified is not?) And here I am, pregnant with the child of my ex significant other. The irony in my situation is not lost. First, I became an officially ordained minister at the end of last year to perform a close friend's marriage ceremony in January. I mean really, how many knocked-up ordained ministers do you know? Oh and the week before I found out about my bundle of joy, I started applying for seminary. Yes. Seminary. Church leadership. And now I am knocked up...ironic? Yes. The quiet sin of fornication is now visible to the outside world, which means of course, I would never be accepted into seminary. This of course, if a whole other tangent of issues I have with established religion which I will not delve into now.

So here I am, knocked up, ordained minister, with a master's degree in teaching, and an Illinois teaching license, not to mention my bachelor's degree in elective studies (don't ask) and ten years of customer service experience plus five years of administrative experience in non profit organizations and I can not find a job. Nor can I find direction. My neighbor asked me tonight, "Well, what do you WANT to do?" My response...."I don't know." All my life I wanted to be a teacher-middle school language arts in the city to be exact-and I did that for four years and was darn good at my job, although administrators tend not to like my independence or style, hence the current unemployment situation. My last three years in public education have left a very very bad taste in my mouth regarding teaching. The job itself I adore and admire immensely. Its the politics and cattyness that I can't stand. Each year that I taught, my students made the highest gains on the standardized tests, by a landslide. I moved 40% of my students to meeting or exceeding standards, for a total of 70% of my class meeting or exceeding standards on the state tests. Students email me and thank me for being their teacher. I know I am good at what I do, yet I can't get a job. So the question remains, what do I want to do? And the answer is still the same...I don't know. I have been applying for any job that I am remotely qualified for or interested in and my unemployment runs out in 11 short weeks. And, of course, eight months from now, I will be bringing a baby into this chaotic world. It would be nice to have a job by then to provide a level of stability for this life growing inside of me. I truly believe in God and believe that each child conceived is a gift from God and I want to honor this child and give it everything it deserves: love, security, food to grow, spiritual grounding, identity, confidence, etc. But ya know, a job would really help me get off on the right foot with all of that. Right now, seven weeks into the 40 week journey, I am petrified. My guest room is being transformed into a baby's room. I'm eating much much better than usual. A life is growing inside of me and I have no idea how I am going to provide for this little life. All I can do, is pray and keep applying for jobs and being available to opportunities as they present themselves and trust that all things do work for the good of those who love God. I have made my mistakes but I have never not loved God and tried my best to love people in my life.

Single Pregnancy

Its been a week since I found out that I am pregnant and I still feel like I am in the twilight zone. My emotions and thoughts change from second to second and every now and I again I truly believe I am having a dream and will wake up to go back to my normal, single woman, life. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like there is a little life growing inside of me. I don't have a baby bulge, I don't have morning sickness, I don't have a precious little ultra sound picture to show people but my apartment is changing. I have started a 'baby crap' box. The box is slowly filling with baby stuff. Last Monday my sister Aj invited me and my other sister Rachel out to lunch to celebrate the coming of "Baby O". The growing patch of cells inside me as become known as Baby O because it is the eighth grandchild in the family so Aj has dubbed it Baby O....short for octagon, Octavius, Octopus, all things associated with eight. She arrived with a target bag and a sweet yellow bear head attached to a soft pale green blanket with the satin trim all babies love. We began tossing around names and nursery themes. The conversation was fun, but felt very out of body. This week has been a time of adjustment that I realize has only just begun. Everyone has tons of advice for me, which is appreciated but exhausting. Things like, you can't change the kitty litter box. Well, I live alone. I'm doing this pregnancy on my own, so...who else will change the kitty litter box? So, we had to look up the issue and there is no issue. Pregnant women can indeed clean the kitty litter box as long there is no eating of the feces. Whew! Safe on that one. Then there is the don't carry heavy things admonition. Seeing that I live alone and the baby daddy is in Chicago, I either carry heavy things or make a million and one trips to the car to carry in groceries and other random crap that life brings. Who else will carry these things? Im realizing that while everyone is kindly offering advice and help, but in the end, this is my journey and responsibility and I will be required to make the tough choices on my own. Of course people will help and be there for me, and who knows what role the baby daddy will assume-but in the end, my body is changing and I will be the mother of a child in nine short months. A daunting and exciting task that I am trying to get ready for. Hopefully I will be out of the twilight zone soon and reality will set in.

The Adventure Begins

I've been patiently waiting for my monthly cycle to start for a week or so and since I have been taking birth control pills for the last few years, I didn't think much of it but as the days kept passing and no cycle started....I decided to pick up a pregnancy test just to see. I've been late before, even on the pill, and the last few weeks have been highly stressful (moving, looking for a job, etc) so i figured that would cause the lateness. So, I went to my sisters house because one can not pee on a stick alone, and peed on the stick. Waited the obligatory three to five minutes and examined the oval on the stick. One pink line showed up very clearly and a second line faintly appeared... My sister and I looked at each other and wondered what it meant. It couldn't be positive, its only a very faint second line and I am on the pill! Since its Sunday, we jumped online to see where I could go to get a doctor's confirmation. Target Clinic here we come! Of course, we had to wait about an hour because the clinic is closed on Sundays from 1pm to 2pm so the doctor can have lunch. At 2:01pm, we got in the car and jetted to the Blaine Super Target Clinic. For $49.00 you can get pregnancy confirmation on Target Clinic letterhead, which is exactly what I got and a tentative due date of April 20th, 2010.

When the doctor gave us the news, Rachel began laughing hysterically and I was stunned. The doctor was very understanding and gave me all the basic info: no alcohol, no caffeine, get some prenatal vitamins and go see a regular doctor. Oh and she gave me an official letter to give to the folks at the county so I can apply for Medical Assistance and WIC since, yes I am still unemployed.

After we left the doctor's office, we wandered through target gathering the prenatal vitamins ensuring they have plenty o folic acid and what not and I asked Rachel, "Am I dreaming? Are we in the twilight zone?" I felt dazed, like I was watching the world through a dreamy haze of unreality. She pinched me and assured me, no, you are not dreaming. The next step was informing my parents that their youngest, unmarried, single, unemployed, daughter was pregnant by her ex boyfriend who lives in Chicago. We decided it'd be fun to ease the blow by giving them some cute baby gift. We settled on two bibs: on embroidered in pretty pastel pink with "I Love My Grandma" and the second embroidered in baby blue with "I Love My Grandpa."

Then we drove to the home I grew up in to share the news with the people who created me, within the confines of marriage and employment, of course. I don't remember my mother's first words but it involved swearing and not much joy...but shortly thereafter she exclaimed, "oh we need to start saving up for a crib! Let me know when you find one you like!" With the conception of their first grandchild 14 years ago, my parents started the tradition of purchasing the crib for the first child of each of their children. An avid smoker, she also moved her chair about ten feet away from me to protect me and the fetus from the smoke. Dad....well....didn't say much except, "well, I guess Andy got more than he bargained for with his $30 bus trip." He will need to process the information slowly and I am sure both parents are happy at the thought of grandchild number eight but concerned about their daughter being single and unemployed while carrying that blessing into the world.

Many phone calls have been made throughout this evening. Much love and support is felt. This is the start of a very long and challenging journey and honestly, right now, I feel very numb. I still feel like I am on the outside of my world looking in, seeing the action and hearing the conversations taking place but not actually experiencing them. This pregnancy was not planned by a long shot but was prophesied by my sister Rachel. About three weeks ago, when Andy came to visit, Rachel informed us that she had a dream that I got pregnant by him while he was visiting to help me move and paint my new place. Hmmm....prophetic much?

When I was in college I took a class called "The Biology of Women." Throughout the semester we discussed the biology and chemistry involved in developing a new life. There are hundreds of factors that have to be exactly right for an egg and sperm to unite and form a zygote then hundreds more factors that must be perfect for that zygote to implant itself on the right place in the uterus and another hundred factors for the uterus to accept that zygote and feed it as it grows and develops into an embryo. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, the chemistry and biology involved in conception and development of life is simply an unexplainable miracle. Sometimes the factors work together to create a new life, and other times they don't. For me, and this little life inside me, as of right now, its working and I am celebrating that fact and grateful that God gives me 40 weeks to prepare for this little pea to develop into an infant ready to join the world. Its an overwhelming sense of responsibility and awe that I am in this situation, preparing to be a mother, at this point in my life. Its not perfect, but it is what it is, my reality. Hopefully soon that reality will sink in!

Allergy Sufferes Unite!

I have been taking some form of Sudafed for my severe allergies since I was five years old. My initial dose was 1/2 a pill four times a day, so once I started school I would take a trip to the nurses office to down the half pill of heaven that would allow me to live through another day without constant sneezing. Since the Sudafed Law was passed back in 2005, life has gotten somewhat complicated for those of us who depend on the wonder drug of sudafed, not to make Meth, but to simply get through our daily lives without constant sneezing, eye watering, itchy throat and other allergy associated nastyness. At first it was just annoying to have to show my id to get my medication-which used to be available over the counter. Its not crack, its allergy medication. Then I moved to Minnesota from Chicago, and cashiers at pharmacy counters did not seem to know what to do with an out of state drivers license in such a situation so it would take at least ten minutes to get those lovely little pills that make my life easier. Now I've encountered the additional stress of having friends who also have allergies, and being that I have cats, these friends often need some sudafed when they come to my humble, cat hair filled abode. I have no problem sharing the little pills that eliminate the symptoms of allergies with folks who need them, I consider it my responsiblity as a hostess with feline friends. The complication I have run into now is that when I go to purchase my ten day supply of sudafed, I have been told "oh, you've reached your limit for the month, we can't sell them to you." Its not like I am supplying the neighborhood with sudafed. I might share one pill out of a box, certainly not enough to go over a limit of some sort. Obviously I am a resourceful woman who will solve the problem of getting my much needed sudafed by simply asking a friend or family member to get the needed pills for me until my limit is reset. The law was passed because of Meth production. The drug that makes sudafed work is the key ingredient for Meth. So, the powers that be decided to stop the production of Meth they'd make it harder to get sudafed. Show and id, track buyers, limit quantities, etc. Here's the problem: the people who manufacture meth are smart enough to hire people to get the needed ingredient for their money making product. I tried to find results on how effective the whole sudafed law has been in reducing the production and sales of meth, and guess what? Oh yeah, you got it: the production and sales and use of meth are INCREASING. Going up. The law doesn't work. So, why not repeal the damn thing so that people can get allergy relief or cold relief. Reality is the over the counter stuff doesn't work as well. It does nothing. I just have to buy for myself and can get around the irritation of having to ask someone once in a while to become my supplier but what if I had kids who needed sudafed as well? The monthly limit that a single person is allowed to purchase is nine grams. An effective daily dose is 240 grams (either as one 24 hour tablet, 2 12 hour tablets, or 4 six hour tablets). If you need a dose a day, in 31 days you need 7.4 grams to get through the month. The limit of 9 grams allows for 37 doses. If you have two allergy sufferers that you have to buy for, there is no way to make it work, unless you strategically enlist the help of others. Six pills is not much wiggle room. Lost pills, friends who need one, long vacations-things happen. Why must we beg, borrow, or conjole to simple stop sneezing? If the law isn't working anyway, repeal it and let allergy sufferers get their sudafed relief in peace. Its a ridiculous law that irritates more hardworking allergy sufferers than it actually slows the production of meth. Yes meth is a bad thing, but sudafed is not responsible for meth heads.

jobless at 33

My life is not at all what I expected it to be at 33 years old. I'm unemployed, living in an apartment, single, no kids, drowning in student loan debt and not at all financially stable. What bugs me the most is that I feel like I did most things the right way. I worked hard and graduated from college then went on to get my Master's degree in teaching-I always wanted to teach. I have had various jobs from customer service to office administration to teaching. As a teacher, I have been very successful. Students that were in my class still contact me letting me know I had an impact on them. Test scores in my classes went up 40% in the year I taught them. Yet, can't keep a teaching job to save my life and now, I can't get a teaching job to save my life.

Since I lost my job in April, I have applied for hundreds of jobs. Some are teaching jobs, some are office administrative jobs, some are customer service, some are teacher's aid jobs, some are retail jobs. Anything that looks like I am remotely qualified for, I apply for. I've had a few interviews, all of which I thought went well, but here I am still looking.

Being out of work is a depressing place to be. I feel like a failure. I feel like my education was a waste of time. I feel like a loser. The first month of unemployment sucked because I was getting over the whole getting fired thing. The second month I was energized and ready to face the world and get my dream job. Now, in month three after hundreds of job applications and rejections, I'm deflated, exhausted, and feeling very hopeless.

I worked hard to become a teacher and I am good at it and passionate for education, yet a job teaching is always just out of my reach. Is it time to find something else or do I keep holding out, keep trying?

Man-Fast take two....

Alrighty, I think I finally got the message. I need to take care of myself and not date. Or at the very least, not focus on dating or my desire to have a partner in life. Yes, you guessed it, Anthony and I have ended round oh 876 of our relationship. Only this time, I really am done. Its exhausting to try to build something with someone who just isn't as into you or the idea of a relationship as you are. The excuses are irrelevant. The justifications are dumb. The truth is there...I don't even like him that much. He annoys me. He doesn't listen to me. We don't click. I was trying to force something to develop that just wasn't there on either end. Why oh why would I do something so insane? Because I am 33. I'm going to be 34 in 9 months and 17 days. Not that I'm counting. The idea of being single at 34 or 35 or 40 quite honestly scares the hell out of me. I want to be married. I want a partner in life. The older I get, the less likely that seems. So I grasp onto relationships that I really don't want because it seems better than being alone. What is so wrong with being alone? What is so wrong with being the crazy cat lady? Why do I feel inadequate on my own? Is it about me or about expectations of society? I have lots of friends who are single and I do not look at them with pity or think they need a man in their life, so why o I put that pressure on myself? I like my life. Of course I want someone to share my life with but at what cost? Its often said that once you stop looking the 'one' crosses your path. The thing is, I don't want to think about in those terms. I want to be content in my life how is now with where I am now in all aspects and live my life the way I want to, not always feeling like I am lacking something or waiting for that person who will 'complete me." Which incientally I think is a load of crap. I don't want someone to complete me, I want someone to share myself with. I think a six month hiatus of looking is a good idea. Please Lord, help me to stick to it this time!

One step forward, five steps back

Life has a way of constantly changing. Since April, I have been on a roller-coaster of changes that I just can't get off of. I lost my job. The I got a great job offer, only to find out my MN teaching license wasn't up to date so I couldn't sign a contract. I contacted the powers that be and was told that they weren't looking for anyone else but couldn't actually hold the position for me, but things seemed to be in order. Well, the jokes on me. Today I got an email from the school saying they filled the position so here I am back at square one with no job.

Then there was the unemployment appeal. I got unemployment then was told my former employer was appealing the unemployment request so I had to have hearing with a judge to determine if I am eligible for benefits or not. The hearing was supposed to take place on Friday but at the last minute the employer withdrew the appeal. Yipppee for me. At least I still got that goin for me.

So the next level of drama...my current apartment will not renew my lease so I have to move. I was all set for the perfect apartment then the landlord rented it to someone else. Im almost ready for apartment number two-which I like and can afford-but they want a double deposit because of my crappy credit. ARGH. I don't know if I can do that or not. I gotta sit down and crunch some serious numbers and figure out what my options are. There is always my sisters basement...but damn...I's 33 years old with a master's degree do I really need to resort to that?

I'm so tired of the struggle and of the drama. I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point.

Ambitious Goals

Yesterday I sat down and figured out this grandiose exercise and weight loss plan. It boils down to math...you have to take in less calories than you burn off. To be exact, to lose one pound of fat, you need to burn 3500 calories more than you usually do. One can do this either by changing what you take in or eat or you can change what you burn or exercise.

There is a handy dandy website http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ that has all sorts of tools about calculating what you need to do based on your own numbers. Its really a fascinating tool to literally put things into a clear perspective. I figured out that my basal metabolic rate is 2116.15. That is the number of calories I burn just by living. Then, I took that number and figured out what my daily calorie needs are-on the website they give you a formula to use based on your activity level. My current daily calorie needs are 2539.38 calories to MAINTAIN my current weight. So, logically I can use that information to plan out my week.

If my goal is to lose 2 pounds in a week, that means I have to kill 7500 calories in a week.

So, my ambitious plan i figured out last night was this:

Lose one pound from exercise. So, I take 3500 calories (whats needed to kill once pound of fat) and divide it by 6 (how many days a week I can work out, I need a day off :) ) and I get: 585 calories a session. If I kick ass on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then do some weights, its not hard to get to 585 calories. I can also add in pilates and crunches at home, I got a yoga ball and mat to do just that and I have done pilates before. They are hard ass work but really feel good...they tone and stretch your muscles without the high impact deal of running, etc.

Ambitious, yes. Can I do it? Yes. It has to be a choice. How have I done so far this week? Well....today I spent half an hour at the gym. Yesterday I didn't make it...

Second part is the food intake. Since my daily calorie needs are 2540, I figure the easiest way to do this is to cut it down to an even 2000 calories. This is actually pretty easy because all the nutrition info on food labels is based on a 2000 calorie diet. So, if I cut down to 2000 calories, I'm at my second pound: 3780 calories=540 calories x 7 days.

The sucky part of the nutrition thing is the keeping track. Weight Watchers has great tools online for doing this, but it costs money and you have to log in and enter the data. Its relatively cheap-I think like $14 a month if I recall. The tracking software is really good. You can record what you eat each day and what you do for exercise, there are also great advice boards and recipes, etc. The thing is, I don't want to spend the money on this or have to track it for the rest of my ever livin life. I want to learn to control myself and make the choices I need to make to keep myself healthy.

I've done weight watchers before, and it works! I lost weight and kept track of what I ate but the hard thing is, you kinda become controlled by THE POINTS. They start to rule your life and you start to rely on THE POINTS rather than your own self control and choices so it is still about the food not about you. I want to be free of the demons not just control them with points.

For now, I am going to focus on getting the exercise pattern down and reduce what I eat on my own. I've been working on this for a very long time because from the time I was very young I have turned to food for comfort. Slowly but surely I am getting better and I am making better choices. For example, today at lunch with my sisters at Green Mill, rather than getting greasy, fatty, bad for me food that I didn't need, I got a bowl of soup. Did I eat too much bread and butter with the soup? Probably. Baby steps.

Today this is what I consumed:
No breakfast, I didn't get up til noon. One of the perks of unemployment.

Lunch
Chicken Wild Rice Soup
Bread with garlic butter
2 glasses o water

Iced Coffee and cream

Dinner
1 piece of BBQ chicken (tried to peel off the skin as much as I could)
Black beans and rice
1 biscuit
broccoli and carrots

So, I did good today. I might have some toast or something before I go to bed because I'm kinda hungry and it will help me sleep. I might not tho...perhaps some water or tea would do the trick. CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES!

Evening workout

Being unemployed certainly has its advantages. Today, I had a job interview, took a nap, then visited my mom, had a nice long chat with an old friend, went to my neices soccer game, then went to my nephews t ball game and THEN i went to the gym. It would have been very very easy to just go home and eat something then watch Alias and go to bed. But, I made the choice to head to the gym by myself. My sister and I try to go to together, but her life is much more complicated than mine. She has four kiddos with all different schedules and she works part time so, she doesn't have the flexibility I currently have.

Did I WANT to go to the gym at 8:30pm? Nope. I most certainly did not. But I did go. Spent 50 minutes on the treadmill. Walked 2 miles. Burned 400 calories. Got my heart pumpin and my body covered in sweat to prove I was working hard. Had I chosen not to go to the gym, how would I have spent that hour of my life? Probably watching TV and eating something like grilled cheese. The choice to go to the gym was a much better use of my time. If I get myself into the habit of going six days a week, and just do the treadmill for an hour (eventually i want to work my way up to the eliptical machines because they burn calories so much faster but damn those things kick my ass so I am just not ready for them yet) that is 2400 calories burned in one week. To lose one pound of fat, you need to lose 3500 calories. So, killing the fat really becomes a matter of math or economics.

Diet is an issue too for me. I haven't gained back any weight I lost so at least I have been maintaining, but I need to lose another 1100 calories in a week to lose one pound. I also want to tone up my body-especially my bat wing arms. I HATE MY ARMS! Perhaps, I can rack up some calories by adding sit ups and arm excercises as well as changing my eating habits. I have started eating less, and its helping. The main thing is, I need to cook at home and stop doing the fast food thing.

bein fat is gettin old

I have struggled with body image and weight and health issues pretty much all of my life. I started out pretty normal size, even skinny! It all went downhill when I was diagnosed with asthma and severe allergies when I was 2. I remember the allergy testing that happened when I was five. The all day process was not fun, but I endured with just a simple tear now and again. No fits from me or screams while they gave me 15 shots in each of my little legs or spent hours doing scratch tests on my back. From that point forward, I struggled to breathe. Exercise became a non event for me because being allergic to anything that grows outside, I was kept inside. My parents became overly protective of their little girl who couldn't breathe and slowly but surely the weight crept up. The early medications for asthma were also steroid based which caused the weight to creep on as well. I don't know that I was officially overweight until high school, it may have started in middle school, I don't exactly remember. From the time I was young, emotional eating became an important part of my life as well. I used to hide Little Debbie cakes and just eat whatever I could. Food and my cat were my friends and coping mechanisms for dealing with life. No one really noticed, or if they did they never said anything, so the habits became ingrained.

Since high school, I have gained over 100 pounds. The crazy thing is, in high school, I was a size 14 (at my smallest) to maybe an 18 (at my biggest) and I thought I was the biggest thing on the planet then. Currently, I am a size 26 and weigh 297 pounds.

Since adulthood, I have fought the good fight of weight loss. I did Weight Watchers (more than once), read Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, listened to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Loss book on CD, did the spiritual weight loss program "The Weigh Down Workshop", followed Oprah's many many plans to lose weight, read books, etc. All of the listed systems to lose weight work, if you stick with them. The programs give you the rules you need to lose weight and keep it off, if you stick to the rules. The thing is, I am not a rules person. I do not like being told what to do or what to eat and I do not like keeping track of the details of what I eat. Ive tried. Many many times. I have purchased several notebooks and journals with the intention of religiously keeping track of what I eat and all that stuff. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't stick.

Last summer, my sister and I joined Golds Gym and signed up for a personal trainer. Holy crap was that a good idea! From August to November, I lost 40 pounds and have kept all of that weight off. Since November, my gym attendance faltered for various reasons. First, I had this odd twisted chunk of fat that came off inside my body on my side and caused lots and lots of searing pain. I discovered this 'alien baby' at a CAT scan. It took a couple of weeks for it to work its way out of my system and for the excruciating pain to stop. Then, I did something to jack up my knee. Dunno what, but that took a few weeks to heal. Finally, my sinus issues wreaked havoc on my life with constant sinus infections from November thru March and I finally had sinus surgery in April. So, now I am back on the wagon with working out.

The only way to lose weight and get in shape is to do the work to make it happen. There are no fast track ways. There are no short cuts. Shows like The Biggest Loser actually piss me off because they are not reality. Anyone can lose weight if they are taken from their natural environment where they face daily struggles and old habits and are forced to work out all friggen day with professional trainers and state of the art equipment. That is not reality for me nor is it reality for the average American tryin to get healthy and in shape. Its about choices. Choosing to go to the gym regardless of how I feel and choosing to eat the food I know is good for me rather than hitting the drive thru again. No one, not even Dr Phil or Oprah, can make me do it or even inspire me to do it. The choices are mine and mine alone and the effects of those choices are mine and mine alone.

So, a new category of my blog is going to be "Killing the Fat." In this section, I will be writing about my journey to change my lifestyle and get healthy. I chose "Killing the Fat" because losing weight sounds too passive. I am not losing anything-I am working to get rid of it. Losing implies a haphazard, random act. What I am attempting to do is neither random or haphazard. It is intentional. It is hard. It is minute by minute choices on how to live my life to destroy the fat in my body and restore my health.

15 days til summer 5.19.07

Saturday, May 19, 2007

15 days til summer Current mood:reflective... My first year of teaching is almost over and i could not be happier. I had an incredibly frusturating year this year and due to issues at my current school-will be moving on to another school. It just can't be easy for me can it? Major accomplishments of this year-75% of my kids met or exceeded state standards on our test...which, for those of you not in education, kicks ass. I taught A Midsummer Night's Dream by Shakespeare and the kids LOVE it. Don't tell me inner city kids can't read Shakespeare. They can read it, enjoy it and even re write it to fit into their world! Seriously, it was their idea to re-write the play in their own langage and neighborhood...which we are doing right now. So many little joys...like Lavelle-the pain in my ass-actually updating a whole speech on his own, on the spot and hitting the mark. Or Shavonte-who talks back to me every single day-saying she is going to miss me....oh the joys! Anyway, the year is almost over and I am looking for a new school. If you are a pray-er, please pray to whomever it is that you pray to, that I will go to a school I can settle into. I really want to get a position at Harvard-a turnaround school here in the city. If you want to know more about that, I can tell you. Its a crazy cool, high pressure situation that is an incredible opporuntity for teachers. The main thing i learned from my first year of teaching....I LOVE TEACHING. Who cares that I can't pee all day or that kids talk back to me every second? the important thing is, I have fun and each day is full of a million little challenges. Like no other job I have had before, teaching is an adventure. Honestly, each day, i am never quite sure what is going to happen or who is going to suprise me. Reading student's refelctions on shakespeare, reading essays students write about whatever, hearing students use language I taught them, seeing a student get his first B ever because of his hard work....of that makes the political bullshit of teaching, and dealing with crazy parents, and the long hours worth it. I love my kids....each and every one of them. The friday before mother's day I was giving my students a ride to an event and one girl asked me, "Ms Wymore, are you a mom?" And before I could even answer, another student said, "of course she is, she has all of us as her kids!" and they are right. I invest in each and every one of them every day and they are my kids...for the time I have them. and I hope they are better kids because of it. I know that I am a better teacher and person because of each one of them....even the major pains in my ass...they tend to teach me the most.

Jem the wondercat strikes again 5/19/07

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Jem the wondercat strikes again Current mood: amused Alrighty, for those of you who don't know I have two cats. Scout-the sweetest, most loving cat in the universe...and Jem. Jem has a history of not being the brightest cat in the world... Just now...the brillian animal got himself stuck inside an open box. Allow me to explain...I am moving. I just taped the bottom of a box together by having the box upside down so I could tape the bottom together. I taped the bottom together and Jem, the wondercat, jumped on top of the empty box bottom side up recently taped....of course because Jem is not slender, the tape gave way and Jem fell inside. Ten minutes later he figured out how to get out. More Jem the wondercat stories on the way....

Transitions 7.21.07

Saturday, July 21, 2007

transitions Current mood: contemplative Category: Life Its funny, in the last five years I have accomplished more than I ever really expected. I finally went back to school put my nose to the grindstone and finished my bachelor's degree-in a year thank you very much and with a 3.8 gpa to top it off! Then, on an act of faith I moved to Chicago with friends. I didn't have a job lined up, but knew I needed to be in Chicago. Some of you think it was for Andy but it wasn't. I fell in love with Chicago when I did Mission Year with Lawndale Community Church from 1999-2000 and always wanted to go back and work in Chicago Public Schools. In case you didn't know, CPS (Chicago Public Schools) are a mess...more on that later. Andy was a huge motivating factor but not the reason. So anyway, I moved here without a job and when the going got tough, I got a call about a job. I began my career in Education as a teacher's assistant for Kindergarden class at a private christian school in the inner city. Okay okay stop laughing. Yes, I can do the kindergarden thing and do it very well thank you. I loved my kids. One of my favorite moments is when Phillip came up to me one morning and gave me a great big hug, "Ms. Wymore you smell sooooo good. You smell just like fruit loops!" Nothing beats a kindergardener's hug. But, that job was a stepping stone to becoming a teacher-after that gig I applied to and got accepted to a Master's of Arts in teaching program through the Academy for Urban School Leadership and National Louis University. If you want the 411 on the program, go to www.ausl-chicago.org. I got paid to get my master's degree and learn to be a teacher. I worked 80 or more hours a week-in the classroom full time during the day, in class three evenings a week, and studying, lesson planning, grading papers and sleeping the rest. That led to my graduation in June of 2006-with a 4.0 gpa thank you very much :). Then, I got a job at my first school-Marconi-teaching 8th grade. What a year...Shakespeare, writing...math...so much....but the point of this blog is reflecting on transitions, so I won't go into that. Well, in june I moved out of that classroom and am now looking for a new job-budget cuts cost me my position...wooo hooo gotta love insane CPS. WHEW and that is only half of it...let me summarize-in the last five years I have had five jobs, lived in five different places, and I am tired. I am tired of transitions. My deepest desire right now is to get placed in a school where I can be long term...like ten years or more. And to stay put in my apartment until I can buy a house. Transitions are exhausting. I have no sense of permanence. I am a nomad seeking to put down roots. Do I regret the journey I have taken? NO. NO NO NO a thousand times no. I am deeply grateful for every step of the way that led me to where I am now. I am hoping and praying that those steps, all that hard work and investment, will pay off in the form of permanence. I am ready to committ...to a career, a community and this phase of my life. I am hoping that my 30's are the exact opposite of my 20's. I classify my 20's as my nomadic adventure. I want my 30's to be my settled content learning in one place...and that idea of permanance scares me because it is so foreign to me. Living life means living through transitions...hopefully this transition I am in midst of right now will be my last...at least for a whille :)

Jem the wondercat strikes again....part 2 7.11.07

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Jem the wondercat strikes again...part 2 Current mood: amused Category: Pets and Animals Brilliant tabby cat strikes again. Andy was grilling dinner on the back porch. My new apartment has a lovely back yard with a deck. The yard is totally fenced in so sometimes I let Jem outside with me. Well, when Andy came in with our food the door didn't close tightlly so Jem goes out to play. About an hour later I realized he was missing. It was about 11pm. I start freaking out and go to call his name. While he may get himself into binds every now and again, he does know his name and does come when I call him. Except this time. I called for 20 minutes. No Jem. But I do hear a pitiful little meow. I look all over and can't tell where its coming from until I look over the fence. My yard has a tall privacy fence all around it-except on the deck. The deck has spindles and overlooks the neigbhors yard-but its a good five foot drop from my deck to the neighbor's yard. So where is Jem? In the neighbor's yard. Their gate is locked and he can't jump out because the jump is too steep and the railing slats are too tight. Brilliant, eh? I have to lure him into the front yard then through a chain link gate so that I can get his furry behind back in the house before the ghetto boxers next door come out to EAT HIM.

8th grade southsiders

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

8th grade ghetto boys Current mood: contemplative Category: School, College, Greek I love my job teaching, I really do. I am grateful for my new school and my new job. However....8th grade boys are not what i signed up for. See when I got the job I was supposed to teach Science and have 7th grade girls as my homeroom. 7th grade girls and 8th grade boys are a teensey weensy bit different...we are coming to the end of week two and they haven't made me cry yet, but they have come close. They just exhaust me with their endless energy and their need for defiance, independence and autonomy. See, these are not your run of the mill, suburban, easy going boys. They are from the south side of Chicago. Most of them live in one of the few remaining housing projects. So, they are tough. Their lives outside school involve more challenges than I know and challenges that require them to be independent, tough, strong and sometimes violent. When they come into my classroom, they are expected to leave all that at the door and value school, education and books. Everything I ask them to do goes against their home experience and their outside lives. The order I need to teach them goes against their need for autonomy...its a constant battle. They see me as an outsider who doesn't know what they need, because I have different values and experience. I value education and see it as the key to their future beyond the confines of their limited experience, they value street smarts. So the question has become, how do I bridge the gap?

Why Teachers Quit

Today it became crystal clear to me why teachers don't stay in teaching-especially in Chicago. 75% or more off all teachers leave the profession within the first five years. That is not good, so one would think that the people in charge would start to make changes to keep employees. Think about it, if you owned a company that had that high of a turn over...wouldn't you worry? Today I experienced the insanity that is Chicago Public Schools administration. What would you do if you didn't get paid for your job? No, I am not talking about not getting paid the salary you think you deserve, I am talking about actually working, punching in and out, and not getting a paycheck. That is what is going on in CPS right now. See, I worked every day for the last three weeks and was supposed to get my paycheck today...did I get it? UM NO. Why? Well, that is what I spent 45 minutes on hold trying to find out from our payroll department. After waiting on hold for 45 minutes and being transferred to three people..I got connected with an incredibly rude and incompetent woman who acted like I did something wrong and this wasn't a big deal. UM HELLO I NEED TO PAY RENT BITCH...is what I felt like yelling....but no, I had to be polite. So, I didn't get paid and as far as the woman in payroll is concerned there is nothing she can do about it, I have to talk to my school clerk on Monday....which I find incredibly amusing since the school clerk told me that I have to contact payroll...how can an organization that employs thousands of people treat people like this? What would Arne Duncan-teh CEO of Chicago Public Schools-do if he didn't get paid? I am guessing it wouldn't happen. Let me go on....its been insanely hot this August and my classroom doesn't have Air Conditioning. I have a thermostat in my room and its usually around 87 degrees in there. And I am supposed to teach while sweat is running down my face, back, neck and legs. Every day I feel the effects of heatstroke when I get home. Once again...would the CEO work ONE FRIGGEN DAY without Air? Um, I think no. Its a load of crap that keeps serious teachers out. I am too good at what I do and too smart to deal with this crap-so are the other teachers who leave. I love the kids. I love teaching....but this administrative crap is what is going to to kill me. So anyway, hopefully you got a little insight as to why teachers quit.

Personal paradigm shifts 12.20.07

Paradigm shifts
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

There is this amazing book I am reading called Soul Cravings by Erwin McMannus. BEWARE it is full of deep stuff. The theme of the book is exactly what the title says-what your soul craves. It is divided into sections based on major cravings. In the meaning section, entry 12, McMannus talks about paradigms in a way I haven't ever thought of before. As a teacher, and in my professional customer service life before, I had heard the concept of a paradigm shift before in terms of learning but had never thought to apply to to life. A paradigm is simply a set of truths you accept that form your beliefs about a certain idea, topic, person or thing. Its the unwritten, accepted laws that govern the categories of your brain. As McMannus puts it, "an established framework form which reality is perceived." The problem is, what if our paradigm is established in lies? This is where the complications start-if our paradigm about ourselves is wrong, is rooted in hurt, betrayal, lies, etc-then we blind ourselves to the truth and the new realities we choose to form.

Woah, this is getting deep, eh? well...in reading this in my current life situation-transitional as always-I realized the issue I have in relationships is that the set of beliefs I have about myself are wrong, but they are an established paradigm....so I need to re-establish the paradigm I have that defines myself. The book talks about that too...what you learn and retain in your life is always tied to some emotional experience. So, my early relationships with men were negative and deeply hurtful and those emotions are strong, deep and real, so the ideas associated with those feelings stuck with me. I am not attractive, I am too fat, I am going to be single forever, I am not good enough. Those thoughts form my current paradigm about myself.

So, now its time to change that paradigm. The question, of course, is how does one go about changing that paradigm of beliefs when one is 31 years old and has a history of such hurtful things that have kept her behind a wall, keeping her from experiencing new emotions and realities to replace the wrong ones? Yes, you are right....the wall must come down-piece by piece and be re-established in healthy ways....as a gate rather than a wall. The paradigm has been in the process of change for a long time on a subconscious level, but now that I am aware of what the issue is, I can move forward intentionally to establish a true paradigm-

I am not perfect but I am pretty damn cute though I have some extra weight. I am also intelligent, funny, passionate, fun, generous and beautiful. So, the paradigm shifting....

Colorgenics 3.11.2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Colorgenics... Category: Life My friend Marisa inspired this little activity and, interestingly enough, it seems fairly dead on. You choose colors in order and it spits out this little analysis.... This is mine: Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict. (Um, yeah, ya think? My life has been chaos for too long....) You are full of stress at this time. It would seem that you are having more than your fair share of trials and tribulations and you are looking for a way out. You are not quite sure which way to go but the advice is - 'Stop trying so hard'. (so i guess i just wait and see how things pan out and stop trying to solve the unsolveable problems....) You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot. You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity. You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please (this late statement is right on....its an interesting insight at any rate....)

Define Petty

Friday, April 04, 2008

define petty Current mood: amused Category: Friends I have a friend who stays with me off and on for several reasons. First my place is nicer than theirs, my neighborhood is more fun, i have tons of space, i am closer to work, etc etc etc.... Seriously this person has been staying with me at least two to three nights a week for the last two years or so. Honestly I usually like having someone around to talk to, hang with, etc. Most of the time its not a big deal. I, of course, have had many years of experiences with roommates that ranged from wonderfully fun experiences to tragically hellish states of chaos...and of course, a roommate is different than a house guest that doesn’t really leave but doesn’t pay rent. hence the present conundrum I face. Over the time my friend has visited, they have never offered to pay for random incidentals that they consume. For example, toothpaste, milk, general groceries, lotion, laundry detergent etc etc etc. As I said before, generally not a big deal, I am easy going and generous and I truly believe in reciprocity. Now, this person is not s ranging lunatic scavenging my house for scraps of everything-they have been known to bring dinner over, provide beer, help with random projects, do laundry, blah blah blah. Well, I recently got into this routine of making myself an egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel for breakfast every morning. Fills me up, gives me energy, all is good and right in the world. Well, my random house guest helps themself to my food as well, which again, normally not a big deal...but this morning-keep in mind its my first week back at school after spring break AND i just started my period so I am cranky-well, this morning I went to make my breakfast and you guessed it... MY LAST EVERYTHING BAGEL WAS GONE! Now i was pissed, but I took a deep breath, and calmed down to keep from over reacting, after all it is just a bagel, right? So, i gently say to my guest and friend "hey, would you mind not eating the last bagel next time because I have one for breakfast every morning and I would appreciate it if it was there when I needed it" there was no negative tone, no snottyness, nothing. Well....the happy house guest FRIGGEN FREAKED OUT AT ME. i am not kidding, it turned into a crazy, maningless fight where I was accused of making a big deal out of nothing, blah blah blah....i, was not making a big deal at all...I was simply staking my claim over MY BAGEL IN MY HOUSE. My guest has now decided that i am ’petty’. Use my internet, watch my cable, use my washing machine, eat my food, never offer to help with bills, drink my soda, consume my toothpaste, lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, etc....for years without me saying a word....and I ask NICELY that you not eat the last friggen bagel....and I AM PETTY? WHAT THE?????????????

Martin Luther King jr's Dream 4.04.08

Friday, April 04, 2008

Martin Luther King Jr’s Dream....can it happen? Current mood: contemplative Category: News and Politics Today marks the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King jr’s assassination. Honestly, until this year I hadn’t really thought much about his death, his legacy or what life might be like had this charismatic leader not murdered. Over the last few years I have become personally and acutely aware of the racial, gender and economic divides that permeate american society today. Divides that King, Malcolm X, Kennedy and so many other great leaders were fighting to bridge. I am a white woman who has lived in primarily minority communities for the last five or so years of my life. I have lived in black neighborhoods, puerto rican neighborhoods, working class neighborhoods, drug infested "ghetto" neighborhoods...pretty much all over. The last three years of my life I have worked in schools where all of the students are african american. Today, as I read one of King’s speeches to my 7th grade african american girls, I was struck by how segregated this great melting pot we live in is and how that segregation breeds inequality. Forty years ago King was on the brink of truly dramatic world change...his work, his dream, his passion, takes time to complete. It is not an overnight journey....but I can not help but feel very sad today as I see how separate and unequal things still are in housing, education, jobs, transportation, access to decent grocery stores, simple things like that....and I wonder what to do about it all. I am one person...a white woman...in a profession dominated by white women... Of course we have made strides, legal segregation is ended but left in its wake is defacto segregation so really what is the difference? Why are schools in Chicago still so intensely segregated? Why are the neighborhoods so separated from each other? I told my students today that there is a whole community of people in the city of Chicago that are polish. They speak polish....if you visit their neighborhood you may not be able to talk to people because they only speak polish in some areas. They were DUMBFOUNDED. Had no idea that there were areas like that within their great city....i think next i need to tell them about greektown and china town (chinatown incidentally is literally ten blocks from my school....but i digress....) Racism and discrimination are still very much alive and well in american society. Sometimes it is blatant and sometimes it is subversive, but it is still there. How does a culture that is blend of other cultures define itself and accept one another while still striving for a united state? It seems like an endless conundrum that hurts my heart and head to think about too deeply..