Yesterday I sat down and figured out this grandiose exercise and weight loss plan. It boils down to math...you have to take in less calories than you burn off. To be exact, to lose one pound of fat, you need to burn 3500 calories more than you usually do. One can do this either by changing what you take in or eat or you can change what you burn or exercise.
There is a handy dandy website http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ that has all sorts of tools about calculating what you need to do based on your own numbers. Its really a fascinating tool to literally put things into a clear perspective. I figured out that my basal metabolic rate is 2116.15. That is the number of calories I burn just by living. Then, I took that number and figured out what my daily calorie needs are-on the website they give you a formula to use based on your activity level. My current daily calorie needs are 2539.38 calories to MAINTAIN my current weight. So, logically I can use that information to plan out my week.
If my goal is to lose 2 pounds in a week, that means I have to kill 7500 calories in a week.
So, my ambitious plan i figured out last night was this:
Lose one pound from exercise. So, I take 3500 calories (whats needed to kill once pound of fat) and divide it by 6 (how many days a week I can work out, I need a day off :) ) and I get: 585 calories a session. If I kick ass on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then do some weights, its not hard to get to 585 calories. I can also add in pilates and crunches at home, I got a yoga ball and mat to do just that and I have done pilates before. They are hard ass work but really feel good...they tone and stretch your muscles without the high impact deal of running, etc.
Ambitious, yes. Can I do it? Yes. It has to be a choice. How have I done so far this week? Well....today I spent half an hour at the gym. Yesterday I didn't make it...
Second part is the food intake. Since my daily calorie needs are 2540, I figure the easiest way to do this is to cut it down to an even 2000 calories. This is actually pretty easy because all the nutrition info on food labels is based on a 2000 calorie diet. So, if I cut down to 2000 calories, I'm at my second pound: 3780 calories=540 calories x 7 days.
The sucky part of the nutrition thing is the keeping track. Weight Watchers has great tools online for doing this, but it costs money and you have to log in and enter the data. Its relatively cheap-I think like $14 a month if I recall. The tracking software is really good. You can record what you eat each day and what you do for exercise, there are also great advice boards and recipes, etc. The thing is, I don't want to spend the money on this or have to track it for the rest of my ever livin life. I want to learn to control myself and make the choices I need to make to keep myself healthy.
I've done weight watchers before, and it works! I lost weight and kept track of what I ate but the hard thing is, you kinda become controlled by THE POINTS. They start to rule your life and you start to rely on THE POINTS rather than your own self control and choices so it is still about the food not about you. I want to be free of the demons not just control them with points.
For now, I am going to focus on getting the exercise pattern down and reduce what I eat on my own. I've been working on this for a very long time because from the time I was very young I have turned to food for comfort. Slowly but surely I am getting better and I am making better choices. For example, today at lunch with my sisters at Green Mill, rather than getting greasy, fatty, bad for me food that I didn't need, I got a bowl of soup. Did I eat too much bread and butter with the soup? Probably. Baby steps.
Today this is what I consumed:
No breakfast, I didn't get up til noon. One of the perks of unemployment.
Lunch
Chicken Wild Rice Soup
Bread with garlic butter
2 glasses o water
Iced Coffee and cream
Dinner
1 piece of BBQ chicken (tried to peel off the skin as much as I could)
Black beans and rice
1 biscuit
broccoli and carrots
So, I did good today. I might have some toast or something before I go to bed because I'm kinda hungry and it will help me sleep. I might not tho...perhaps some water or tea would do the trick. CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES!
Life and thoughts of a single mom with a desire to write and share ideas with people who might want to know..figuring out how to be a loving, consistent mom while also pursuing my teaching career and fostering other dreams of writing and whatnot.
My unexpected life
- Kikers
- Blaine, MN, United States
- City girl at heart who returned to the Twin Cities after a four year stint in the Stinky Onion known to the rest of the world as Chicago. Consistent nomad, frequently moving, changing, evolving. Striving to settle down and plant some roots. Recently became a single mother to Caleb Justus and am figuring out the adventure that is motherhood. Getting used to living in the burbs again close to family and friends.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Evening workout
Being unemployed certainly has its advantages. Today, I had a job interview, took a nap, then visited my mom, had a nice long chat with an old friend, went to my neices soccer game, then went to my nephews t ball game and THEN i went to the gym. It would have been very very easy to just go home and eat something then watch Alias and go to bed. But, I made the choice to head to the gym by myself. My sister and I try to go to together, but her life is much more complicated than mine. She has four kiddos with all different schedules and she works part time so, she doesn't have the flexibility I currently have.
Did I WANT to go to the gym at 8:30pm? Nope. I most certainly did not. But I did go. Spent 50 minutes on the treadmill. Walked 2 miles. Burned 400 calories. Got my heart pumpin and my body covered in sweat to prove I was working hard. Had I chosen not to go to the gym, how would I have spent that hour of my life? Probably watching TV and eating something like grilled cheese. The choice to go to the gym was a much better use of my time. If I get myself into the habit of going six days a week, and just do the treadmill for an hour (eventually i want to work my way up to the eliptical machines because they burn calories so much faster but damn those things kick my ass so I am just not ready for them yet) that is 2400 calories burned in one week. To lose one pound of fat, you need to lose 3500 calories. So, killing the fat really becomes a matter of math or economics.
Diet is an issue too for me. I haven't gained back any weight I lost so at least I have been maintaining, but I need to lose another 1100 calories in a week to lose one pound. I also want to tone up my body-especially my bat wing arms. I HATE MY ARMS! Perhaps, I can rack up some calories by adding sit ups and arm excercises as well as changing my eating habits. I have started eating less, and its helping. The main thing is, I need to cook at home and stop doing the fast food thing.
Did I WANT to go to the gym at 8:30pm? Nope. I most certainly did not. But I did go. Spent 50 minutes on the treadmill. Walked 2 miles. Burned 400 calories. Got my heart pumpin and my body covered in sweat to prove I was working hard. Had I chosen not to go to the gym, how would I have spent that hour of my life? Probably watching TV and eating something like grilled cheese. The choice to go to the gym was a much better use of my time. If I get myself into the habit of going six days a week, and just do the treadmill for an hour (eventually i want to work my way up to the eliptical machines because they burn calories so much faster but damn those things kick my ass so I am just not ready for them yet) that is 2400 calories burned in one week. To lose one pound of fat, you need to lose 3500 calories. So, killing the fat really becomes a matter of math or economics.
Diet is an issue too for me. I haven't gained back any weight I lost so at least I have been maintaining, but I need to lose another 1100 calories in a week to lose one pound. I also want to tone up my body-especially my bat wing arms. I HATE MY ARMS! Perhaps, I can rack up some calories by adding sit ups and arm excercises as well as changing my eating habits. I have started eating less, and its helping. The main thing is, I need to cook at home and stop doing the fast food thing.
bein fat is gettin old
I have struggled with body image and weight and health issues pretty much all of my life. I started out pretty normal size, even skinny! It all went downhill when I was diagnosed with asthma and severe allergies when I was 2. I remember the allergy testing that happened when I was five. The all day process was not fun, but I endured with just a simple tear now and again. No fits from me or screams while they gave me 15 shots in each of my little legs or spent hours doing scratch tests on my back. From that point forward, I struggled to breathe. Exercise became a non event for me because being allergic to anything that grows outside, I was kept inside. My parents became overly protective of their little girl who couldn't breathe and slowly but surely the weight crept up. The early medications for asthma were also steroid based which caused the weight to creep on as well. I don't know that I was officially overweight until high school, it may have started in middle school, I don't exactly remember. From the time I was young, emotional eating became an important part of my life as well. I used to hide Little Debbie cakes and just eat whatever I could. Food and my cat were my friends and coping mechanisms for dealing with life. No one really noticed, or if they did they never said anything, so the habits became ingrained.
Since high school, I have gained over 100 pounds. The crazy thing is, in high school, I was a size 14 (at my smallest) to maybe an 18 (at my biggest) and I thought I was the biggest thing on the planet then. Currently, I am a size 26 and weigh 297 pounds.
Since adulthood, I have fought the good fight of weight loss. I did Weight Watchers (more than once), read Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, listened to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Loss book on CD, did the spiritual weight loss program "The Weigh Down Workshop", followed Oprah's many many plans to lose weight, read books, etc. All of the listed systems to lose weight work, if you stick with them. The programs give you the rules you need to lose weight and keep it off, if you stick to the rules. The thing is, I am not a rules person. I do not like being told what to do or what to eat and I do not like keeping track of the details of what I eat. Ive tried. Many many times. I have purchased several notebooks and journals with the intention of religiously keeping track of what I eat and all that stuff. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't stick.
Last summer, my sister and I joined Golds Gym and signed up for a personal trainer. Holy crap was that a good idea! From August to November, I lost 40 pounds and have kept all of that weight off. Since November, my gym attendance faltered for various reasons. First, I had this odd twisted chunk of fat that came off inside my body on my side and caused lots and lots of searing pain. I discovered this 'alien baby' at a CAT scan. It took a couple of weeks for it to work its way out of my system and for the excruciating pain to stop. Then, I did something to jack up my knee. Dunno what, but that took a few weeks to heal. Finally, my sinus issues wreaked havoc on my life with constant sinus infections from November thru March and I finally had sinus surgery in April. So, now I am back on the wagon with working out.
The only way to lose weight and get in shape is to do the work to make it happen. There are no fast track ways. There are no short cuts. Shows like The Biggest Loser actually piss me off because they are not reality. Anyone can lose weight if they are taken from their natural environment where they face daily struggles and old habits and are forced to work out all friggen day with professional trainers and state of the art equipment. That is not reality for me nor is it reality for the average American tryin to get healthy and in shape. Its about choices. Choosing to go to the gym regardless of how I feel and choosing to eat the food I know is good for me rather than hitting the drive thru again. No one, not even Dr Phil or Oprah, can make me do it or even inspire me to do it. The choices are mine and mine alone and the effects of those choices are mine and mine alone.
So, a new category of my blog is going to be "Killing the Fat." In this section, I will be writing about my journey to change my lifestyle and get healthy. I chose "Killing the Fat" because losing weight sounds too passive. I am not losing anything-I am working to get rid of it. Losing implies a haphazard, random act. What I am attempting to do is neither random or haphazard. It is intentional. It is hard. It is minute by minute choices on how to live my life to destroy the fat in my body and restore my health.
Since high school, I have gained over 100 pounds. The crazy thing is, in high school, I was a size 14 (at my smallest) to maybe an 18 (at my biggest) and I thought I was the biggest thing on the planet then. Currently, I am a size 26 and weigh 297 pounds.
Since adulthood, I have fought the good fight of weight loss. I did Weight Watchers (more than once), read Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, listened to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Loss book on CD, did the spiritual weight loss program "The Weigh Down Workshop", followed Oprah's many many plans to lose weight, read books, etc. All of the listed systems to lose weight work, if you stick with them. The programs give you the rules you need to lose weight and keep it off, if you stick to the rules. The thing is, I am not a rules person. I do not like being told what to do or what to eat and I do not like keeping track of the details of what I eat. Ive tried. Many many times. I have purchased several notebooks and journals with the intention of religiously keeping track of what I eat and all that stuff. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't stick.
Last summer, my sister and I joined Golds Gym and signed up for a personal trainer. Holy crap was that a good idea! From August to November, I lost 40 pounds and have kept all of that weight off. Since November, my gym attendance faltered for various reasons. First, I had this odd twisted chunk of fat that came off inside my body on my side and caused lots and lots of searing pain. I discovered this 'alien baby' at a CAT scan. It took a couple of weeks for it to work its way out of my system and for the excruciating pain to stop. Then, I did something to jack up my knee. Dunno what, but that took a few weeks to heal. Finally, my sinus issues wreaked havoc on my life with constant sinus infections from November thru March and I finally had sinus surgery in April. So, now I am back on the wagon with working out.
The only way to lose weight and get in shape is to do the work to make it happen. There are no fast track ways. There are no short cuts. Shows like The Biggest Loser actually piss me off because they are not reality. Anyone can lose weight if they are taken from their natural environment where they face daily struggles and old habits and are forced to work out all friggen day with professional trainers and state of the art equipment. That is not reality for me nor is it reality for the average American tryin to get healthy and in shape. Its about choices. Choosing to go to the gym regardless of how I feel and choosing to eat the food I know is good for me rather than hitting the drive thru again. No one, not even Dr Phil or Oprah, can make me do it or even inspire me to do it. The choices are mine and mine alone and the effects of those choices are mine and mine alone.
So, a new category of my blog is going to be "Killing the Fat." In this section, I will be writing about my journey to change my lifestyle and get healthy. I chose "Killing the Fat" because losing weight sounds too passive. I am not losing anything-I am working to get rid of it. Losing implies a haphazard, random act. What I am attempting to do is neither random or haphazard. It is intentional. It is hard. It is minute by minute choices on how to live my life to destroy the fat in my body and restore my health.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
15 days til summer 5.19.07
Saturday, May 19, 2007
 | Current mood:reflective... My first year of teaching is almost over and i could not be happier. I had an incredibly frusturating year this year and due to issues at my current school-will be moving on to another school. It just can't be easy for me can it? Major accomplishments of this year-75% of my kids met or exceeded state standards on our test...which, for those of you not in education, kicks ass. I taught A Midsummer Night's Dream by Shakespeare and the kids LOVE it. Don't tell me inner city kids can't read Shakespeare. They can read it, enjoy it and even re write it to fit into their world! Seriously, it was their idea to re-write the play in their own langage and neighborhood...which we are doing right now. So many little joys...like Lavelle-the pain in my ass-actually updating a whole speech on his own, on the spot and hitting the mark. Or Shavonte-who talks back to me every single day-saying she is going to miss me....oh the joys! Anyway, the year is almost over and I am looking for a new school. If you are a pray-er, please pray to whomever it is that you pray to, that I will go to a school I can settle into. I really want to get a position at Harvard-a turnaround school here in the city. If you want to know more about that, I can tell you. Its a crazy cool, high pressure situation that is an incredible opporuntity for teachers. The main thing i learned from my first year of teaching....I LOVE TEACHING. Who cares that I can't pee all day or that kids talk back to me every second? the important thing is, I have fun and each day is full of a million little challenges. Like no other job I have had before, teaching is an adventure. Honestly, each day, i am never quite sure what is going to happen or who is going to suprise me. Reading student's refelctions on shakespeare, reading essays students write about whatever, hearing students use language I taught them, seeing a student get his first B ever because of his hard work....of that makes the political bullshit of teaching, and dealing with crazy parents, and the long hours worth it. I love my kids....each and every one of them. The friday before mother's day I was giving my students a ride to an event and one girl asked me, "Ms Wymore, are you a mom?" And before I could even answer, another student said, "of course she is, she has all of us as her kids!" and they are right. I invest in each and every one of them every day and they are my kids...for the time I have them. and I hope they are better kids because of it. I know that I am a better teacher and person because of each one of them....even the major pains in my ass...they tend to teach me the most. |
Jem the wondercat strikes again 5/19/07
Saturday, May 19, 2007
| Current mood:  amused Alrighty, for those of you who don't know I have two cats. Scout-the sweetest, most loving cat in the universe...and Jem. Jem has a history of not being the brightest cat in the world... Just now...the brillian animal got himself stuck inside an open box. Allow me to explain...I am moving. I just taped the bottom of a box together by having the box upside down so I could tape the bottom together. I taped the bottom together and Jem, the wondercat, jumped on top of the empty box bottom side up recently taped....of course because Jem is not slender, the tape gave way and Jem fell inside. Ten minutes later he figured out how to get out. More Jem the wondercat stories on the way.... |
Transitions 7.21.07
Saturday, July 21, 2007
| Current mood:  contemplative Category: Life Its funny, in the last five years I have accomplished more than I ever really expected. I finally went back to school put my nose to the grindstone and finished my bachelor's degree-in a year thank you very much and with a 3.8 gpa to top it off! Then, on an act of faith I moved to Chicago with friends. I didn't have a job lined up, but knew I needed to be in Chicago. Some of you think it was for Andy but it wasn't. I fell in love with Chicago when I did Mission Year with Lawndale Community Church from 1999-2000 and always wanted to go back and work in Chicago Public Schools. In case you didn't know, CPS (Chicago Public Schools) are a mess...more on that later. Andy was a huge motivating factor but not the reason. So anyway, I moved here without a job and when the going got tough, I got a call about a job. I began my career in Education as a teacher's assistant for Kindergarden class at a private christian school in the inner city. Okay okay stop laughing. Yes, I can do the kindergarden thing and do it very well thank you. I loved my kids. One of my favorite moments is when Phillip came up to me one morning and gave me a great big hug, "Ms. Wymore you smell sooooo good. You smell just like fruit loops!" Nothing beats a kindergardener's hug. But, that job was a stepping stone to becoming a teacher-after that gig I applied to and got accepted to a Master's of Arts in teaching program through the Academy for Urban School Leadership and National Louis University. If you want the 411 on the program, go to www.ausl-chicago.org. I got paid to get my master's degree and learn to be a teacher. I worked 80 or more hours a week-in the classroom full time during the day, in class three evenings a week, and studying, lesson planning, grading papers and sleeping the rest. That led to my graduation in June of 2006-with a 4.0 gpa thank you very much :). Then, I got a job at my first school-Marconi-teaching 8th grade. What a year...Shakespeare, writing...math...so much....but the point of this blog is reflecting on transitions, so I won't go into that. Well, in june I moved out of that classroom and am now looking for a new job-budget cuts cost me my position...wooo hooo gotta love insane CPS. WHEW and that is only half of it...let me summarize-in the last five years I have had five jobs, lived in five different places, and I am tired. I am tired of transitions. My deepest desire right now is to get placed in a school where I can be long term...like ten years or more. And to stay put in my apartment until I can buy a house. Transitions are exhausting. I have no sense of permanence. I am a nomad seeking to put down roots. Do I regret the journey I have taken? NO. NO NO NO a thousand times no. I am deeply grateful for every step of the way that led me to where I am now. I am hoping and praying that those steps, all that hard work and investment, will pay off in the form of permanence. I am ready to committ...to a career, a community and this phase of my life. I am hoping that my 30's are the exact opposite of my 20's. I classify my 20's as my nomadic adventure. I want my 30's to be my settled content learning in one place...and that idea of permanance scares me because it is so foreign to me. Living life means living through transitions...hopefully this transition I am in midst of right now will be my last...at least for a whille :) |
Jem the wondercat strikes again....part 2 7.11.07
Saturday, July 21, 2007
| Current mood: amused Category: Pets and Animals Brilliant tabby cat strikes again. Andy was grilling dinner on the back porch. My new apartment has a lovely back yard with a deck. The yard is totally fenced in so sometimes I let Jem outside with me. Well, when Andy came in with our food the door didn't close tightlly so Jem goes out to play. About an hour later I realized he was missing. It was about 11pm. I start freaking out and go to call his name. While he may get himself into binds every now and again, he does know his name and does come when I call him. Except this time. I called for 20 minutes. No Jem. But I do hear a pitiful little meow. I look all over and can't tell where its coming from until I look over the fence. My yard has a tall privacy fence all around it-except on the deck. The deck has spindles and overlooks the neigbhors yard-but its a good five foot drop from my deck to the neighbor's yard. So where is Jem? In the neighbor's yard. Their gate is locked and he can't jump out because the jump is too steep and the railing slats are too tight. Brilliant, eh? I have to lure him into the front yard then through a chain link gate so that I can get his furry behind back in the house before the ghetto boxers next door come out to EAT HIM. |
8th grade southsiders
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
| Current mood: contemplative Category: School, College, Greek I love my job teaching, I really do. I am grateful for my new school and my new job. However....8th grade boys are not what i signed up for. See when I got the job I was supposed to teach Science and have 7th grade girls as my homeroom. 7th grade girls and 8th grade boys are a teensey weensy bit different...we are coming to the end of week two and they haven't made me cry yet, but they have come close. They just exhaust me with their endless energy and their need for defiance, independence and autonomy. See, these are not your run of the mill, suburban, easy going boys. They are from the south side of Chicago. Most of them live in one of the few remaining housing projects. So, they are tough. Their lives outside school involve more challenges than I know and challenges that require them to be independent, tough, strong and sometimes violent. When they come into my classroom, they are expected to leave all that at the door and value school, education and books. Everything I ask them to do goes against their home experience and their outside lives. The order I need to teach them goes against their need for autonomy...its a constant battle. They see me as an outsider who doesn't know what they need, because I have different values and experience. I value education and see it as the key to their future beyond the confines of their limited experience, they value street smarts. So the question has become, how do I bridge the gap? |
Why Teachers Quit
Today it became crystal clear to me why teachers don't stay in teaching-especially in Chicago. 75% or more off all teachers leave the profession within the first five years. That is not good, so one would think that the people in charge would start to make changes to keep employees. Think about it, if you owned a company that had that high of a turn over...wouldn't you worry? Today I experienced the insanity that is Chicago Public Schools administration. What would you do if you didn't get paid for your job? No, I am not talking about not getting paid the salary you think you deserve, I am talking about actually working, punching in and out, and not getting a paycheck. That is what is going on in CPS right now. See, I worked every day for the last three weeks and was supposed to get my paycheck today...did I get it? UM NO. Why? Well, that is what I spent 45 minutes on hold trying to find out from our payroll department. After waiting on hold for 45 minutes and being transferred to three people..I got connected with an incredibly rude and incompetent woman who acted like I did something wrong and this wasn't a big deal. UM HELLO I NEED TO PAY RENT BITCH...is what I felt like yelling....but no, I had to be polite. So, I didn't get paid and as far as the woman in payroll is concerned there is nothing she can do about it, I have to talk to my school clerk on Monday....which I find incredibly amusing since the school clerk told me that I have to contact payroll...how can an organization that employs thousands of people treat people like this? What would Arne Duncan-teh CEO of Chicago Public Schools-do if he didn't get paid? I am guessing it wouldn't happen. Let me go on....its been insanely hot this August and my classroom doesn't have Air Conditioning. I have a thermostat in my room and its usually around 87 degrees in there. And I am supposed to teach while sweat is running down my face, back, neck and legs. Every day I feel the effects of heatstroke when I get home. Once again...would the CEO work ONE FRIGGEN DAY without Air? Um, I think no. Its a load of crap that keeps serious teachers out. I am too good at what I do and too smart to deal with this crap-so are the other teachers who leave. I love the kids. I love teaching....but this administrative crap is what is going to to kill me. So anyway, hopefully you got a little insight as to why teachers quit.
Personal paradigm shifts 12.20.07
Current mood:
contemplative Category: Life
There is this amazing book I am reading called Soul Cravings by Erwin McMannus. BEWARE it is full of deep stuff. The theme of the book is exactly what the title says-what your soul craves. It is divided into sections based on major cravings. In the meaning section, entry 12, McMannus talks about paradigms in a way I haven't ever thought of before. As a teacher, and in my professional customer service life before, I had heard the concept of a paradigm shift before in terms of learning but had never thought to apply to to life. A paradigm is simply a set of truths you accept that form your beliefs about a certain idea, topic, person or thing. Its the unwritten, accepted laws that govern the categories of your brain. As McMannus puts it, "an established framework form which reality is perceived." The problem is, what if our paradigm is established in lies? This is where the complications start-if our paradigm about ourselves is wrong, is rooted in hurt, betrayal, lies, etc-then we blind ourselves to the truth and the new realities we choose to form.
Woah, this is getting deep, eh? well...in reading this in my current life situation-transitional as always-I realized the issue I have in relationships is that the set of beliefs I have about myself are wrong, but they are an established paradigm....so I need to re-establish the paradigm I have that defines myself. The book talks about that too...what you learn and retain in your life is always tied to some emotional experience. So, my early relationships with men were negative and deeply hurtful and those emotions are strong, deep and real, so the ideas associated with those feelings stuck with me. I am not attractive, I am too fat, I am going to be single forever, I am not good enough. Those thoughts form my current paradigm about myself.
So, now its time to change that paradigm. The question, of course, is how does one go about changing that paradigm of beliefs when one is 31 years old and has a history of such hurtful things that have kept her behind a wall, keeping her from experiencing new emotions and realities to replace the wrong ones? Yes, you are right....the wall must come down-piece by piece and be re-established in healthy ways....as a gate rather than a wall. The paradigm has been in the process of change for a long time on a subconscious level, but now that I am aware of what the issue is, I can move forward intentionally to establish a true paradigm-
I am not perfect but I am pretty damn cute though I have some extra weight. I am also intelligent, funny, passionate, fun, generous and beautiful. So, the paradigm shifting....
Woah, this is getting deep, eh? well...in reading this in my current life situation-transitional as always-I realized the issue I have in relationships is that the set of beliefs I have about myself are wrong, but they are an established paradigm....so I need to re-establish the paradigm I have that defines myself. The book talks about that too...what you learn and retain in your life is always tied to some emotional experience. So, my early relationships with men were negative and deeply hurtful and those emotions are strong, deep and real, so the ideas associated with those feelings stuck with me. I am not attractive, I am too fat, I am going to be single forever, I am not good enough. Those thoughts form my current paradigm about myself.
So, now its time to change that paradigm. The question, of course, is how does one go about changing that paradigm of beliefs when one is 31 years old and has a history of such hurtful things that have kept her behind a wall, keeping her from experiencing new emotions and realities to replace the wrong ones? Yes, you are right....the wall must come down-piece by piece and be re-established in healthy ways....as a gate rather than a wall. The paradigm has been in the process of change for a long time on a subconscious level, but now that I am aware of what the issue is, I can move forward intentionally to establish a true paradigm-
I am not perfect but I am pretty damn cute though I have some extra weight. I am also intelligent, funny, passionate, fun, generous and beautiful. So, the paradigm shifting....
Colorgenics 3.11.2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
| Category: Life My friend Marisa inspired this little activity and, interestingly enough, it seems fairly dead on. You choose colors in order and it spits out this little analysis.... This is mine: Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict. (Um, yeah, ya think? My life has been chaos for too long....) You are full of stress at this time. It would seem that you are having more than your fair share of trials and tribulations and you are looking for a way out. You are not quite sure which way to go but the advice is - 'Stop trying so hard'. (so i guess i just wait and see how things pan out and stop trying to solve the unsolveable problems....) You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot. You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity. You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please (this late statement is right on....its an interesting insight at any rate....) |
Define Petty
Friday, April 04, 2008
| Current mood: amused Category: Friends I have a friend who stays with me off and on for several reasons. First my place is nicer than theirs, my neighborhood is more fun, i have tons of space, i am closer to work, etc etc etc.... Seriously this person has been staying with me at least two to three nights a week for the last two years or so. Honestly I usually like having someone around to talk to, hang with, etc. Most of the time its not a big deal. I, of course, have had many years of experiences with roommates that ranged from wonderfully fun experiences to tragically hellish states of chaos...and of course, a roommate is different than a house guest that doesn’t really leave but doesn’t pay rent. hence the present conundrum I face. Over the time my friend has visited, they have never offered to pay for random incidentals that they consume. For example, toothpaste, milk, general groceries, lotion, laundry detergent etc etc etc. As I said before, generally not a big deal, I am easy going and generous and I truly believe in reciprocity. Now, this person is not s ranging lunatic scavenging my house for scraps of everything-they have been known to bring dinner over, provide beer, help with random projects, do laundry, blah blah blah. Well, I recently got into this routine of making myself an egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel for breakfast every morning. Fills me up, gives me energy, all is good and right in the world. Well, my random house guest helps themself to my food as well, which again, normally not a big deal...but this morning-keep in mind its my first week back at school after spring break AND i just started my period so I am cranky-well, this morning I went to make my breakfast and you guessed it... MY LAST EVERYTHING BAGEL WAS GONE! Now i was pissed, but I took a deep breath, and calmed down to keep from over reacting, after all it is just a bagel, right? So, i gently say to my guest and friend "hey, would you mind not eating the last bagel next time because I have one for breakfast every morning and I would appreciate it if it was there when I needed it" there was no negative tone, no snottyness, nothing. Well....the happy house guest FRIGGEN FREAKED OUT AT ME. i am not kidding, it turned into a crazy, maningless fight where I was accused of making a big deal out of nothing, blah blah blah....i, was not making a big deal at all...I was simply staking my claim over MY BAGEL IN MY HOUSE. My guest has now decided that i am ’petty’. Use my internet, watch my cable, use my washing machine, eat my food, never offer to help with bills, drink my soda, consume my toothpaste, lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, etc....for years without me saying a word....and I ask NICELY that you not eat the last friggen bagel....and I AM PETTY? WHAT THE????????????? |
Martin Luther King jr's Dream 4.04.08
Friday, April 04, 2008
| Current mood: contemplative Category: News and Politics Today marks the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King jr’s assassination. Honestly, until this year I hadn’t really thought much about his death, his legacy or what life might be like had this charismatic leader not murdered. Over the last few years I have become personally and acutely aware of the racial, gender and economic divides that permeate american society today. Divides that King, Malcolm X, Kennedy and so many other great leaders were fighting to bridge. I am a white woman who has lived in primarily minority communities for the last five or so years of my life. I have lived in black neighborhoods, puerto rican neighborhoods, working class neighborhoods, drug infested "ghetto" neighborhoods...pretty much all over. The last three years of my life I have worked in schools where all of the students are african american. Today, as I read one of King’s speeches to my 7th grade african american girls, I was struck by how segregated this great melting pot we live in is and how that segregation breeds inequality. Forty years ago King was on the brink of truly dramatic world change...his work, his dream, his passion, takes time to complete. It is not an overnight journey....but I can not help but feel very sad today as I see how separate and unequal things still are in housing, education, jobs, transportation, access to decent grocery stores, simple things like that....and I wonder what to do about it all. I am one person...a white woman...in a profession dominated by white women... Of course we have made strides, legal segregation is ended but left in its wake is defacto segregation so really what is the difference? Why are schools in Chicago still so intensely segregated? Why are the neighborhoods so separated from each other? I told my students today that there is a whole community of people in the city of Chicago that are polish. They speak polish....if you visit their neighborhood you may not be able to talk to people because they only speak polish in some areas. They were DUMBFOUNDED. Had no idea that there were areas like that within their great city....i think next i need to tell them about greektown and china town (chinatown incidentally is literally ten blocks from my school....but i digress....) Racism and discrimination are still very much alive and well in american society. Sometimes it is blatant and sometimes it is subversive, but it is still there. How does a culture that is blend of other cultures define itself and accept one another while still striving for a united state? It seems like an endless conundrum that hurts my heart and head to think about too deeply.. |
more and more violence 4.11.08
Current mood:
anxious Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
As of today, 23 students in Chicago Public Schools have died by gunfire. One of those students was a seventh grade boy that i taught. The other 22 are students throughout the district...mostly from the southside. Some from the westside. All minorities. Today, I was watching the five o clock news like I usually do and there is a breaking story. Fifteen year old boy shot on the southside...my pulse increased a bit as the story went on...the shooting happened literally in my school's backyard. A fifteen year old boy is is in the hospital in critical condition for what? The news says kids were shooting at each other...kids. Shooting at each other. What is that all about? How can we live in the wealthiest nation in the world where kids shoot at each other. For what? Why? How long are people going to continue to ignore the issues of violence, inequality, poverty, and injustice that perpetuate the violence in our own backyards. Why do my students have to live in such a violent place where hearing people getting shot is normal?
Yes the issues are complex. No money won't fit it. But something seriously needs to be done. Too many kids are dying or getting lost in the system. Too many kids are not being given the simple blessings of safety. Too many kids are not being given the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness because their lives are being cut short by the violence in the society they happened to be born into.
I am numb, sad, angry and perplexed all at the same time.
Yes the issues are complex. No money won't fit it. But something seriously needs to be done. Too many kids are dying or getting lost in the system. Too many kids are not being given the simple blessings of safety. Too many kids are not being given the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness because their lives are being cut short by the violence in the society they happened to be born into.
I am numb, sad, angry and perplexed all at the same time.
Jem the wondercat takes the short bus 11.12.08
Current mood:
amused Category: Pets and Animals
I know, can cats really be stupid? Well I think so. Here's why-oh and don't get me wrong, I love my Jem kitty dearly, he provides unconditional love and hours upon hours of entertainment. Over the last couple of weeks here are some things the ever intelligent feline has done that made me laugh out loud and talk excessively about my feline friends.
I have a framed print of Cafe Terrace At Night by Van Gogh hanging on my wall. The print is covered by a thin layer of plastic so it has some slight reflections in it if the lighting is just right. My TV sits under the print on a stand. My cat has started jumping on top of the TV and sitting facing the print staring into it for hours on end. He notices the kitty in the cafe (which there isn't, its his own reflection) and desperately wants to befriend that kitty. He wants to cross over into the world of Van Gogh and the kitty on the terrace under the moonlight, but alas, he cannot cross over into that world. He stares longingly at the cat and the picture, his tail flopping back and forth across my TV screen as he stalks his own reflection.
Then yesterday I decided to get a covered litter box for my lovely felines and Jem...well, got into the litter box but could not figure out how to move the flap to let himself out of the box...so he cried until I saved him...and quickly removed the flapping door so that he could use the bathroom in peace and not get stuck.
I have a framed print of Cafe Terrace At Night by Van Gogh hanging on my wall. The print is covered by a thin layer of plastic so it has some slight reflections in it if the lighting is just right. My TV sits under the print on a stand. My cat has started jumping on top of the TV and sitting facing the print staring into it for hours on end. He notices the kitty in the cafe (which there isn't, its his own reflection) and desperately wants to befriend that kitty. He wants to cross over into the world of Van Gogh and the kitty on the terrace under the moonlight, but alas, he cannot cross over into that world. He stares longingly at the cat and the picture, his tail flopping back and forth across my TV screen as he stalks his own reflection.
Then yesterday I decided to get a covered litter box for my lovely felines and Jem...well, got into the litter box but could not figure out how to move the flap to let himself out of the box...so he cried until I saved him...and quickly removed the flapping door so that he could use the bathroom in peace and not get stuck.
random connections 11.24.08
didn't date much until the last ten years or so for various reasons. I was shy, busy, just not interested in dating really. Then I started dating and was in a serious relationship for about five years. Of course, during that five years, the relationship wasn't always serious so I did some other dating then too. Oh and the relationship wasn't exactly healthy, honest or great either, so I dated some when the relationship was supposedly serious too-because well, he did too. Of course that doesn't make it okay but its the reality. Well, I've been "officially" single again for about a year now-give or take a month or two. Before this whole dating period in my life started, I was really content being single. I loved living alone, I kept busy with friends and family, I did a lot on my own. I didn't feel strange or discontent being alone. I was spiritually solid, emotionally solid, and content.
Then the floodgates of hell opened up. I started dating and being intimate with people. I liked the attention, I liked the feeling and in all of that, I lost myself. But I digress, I will write more about that whole experience at another time, this writing is about the randomness of life lately....
So, after not having anyone really pursue me or show a strong interest in me romantically for the first 27 or so years of my life, I blossomed I guess. And dated. A lot. During the last 12 months, I went out with a few different guys. Nothing much happened with any of them, relationships just didn't blossom into anything serious. I hadn't talked to any of them in months or at least weeks. Well, within the last week, five of the men I dated in the last year who I do not talk to any longer, contacted me.
Out of the blue.
Random.
Why do they do that? Why do men let a woman go then once she actually moves on, boom they contact her and expect her to drop everything and jump with joy that they have returned? Its bizarre. One, who lives in Chicago, and I went on ONE actual date with, honestly asked me to be in a long distance committed relationship with him....seriously? Are you crazy?
Another contacted me, after I had not talked to him for three weeks and told him I didn't want to see him anymore and said all the right things, he said he wanted a relationship, to start over as-in his words-"a new couple." One would assume that a couple means exclusive right? Well two days after this declaration of commitment I asked for clarification by simply saying, so we are exclusive right?
No was his answer. Well how the hell can you start out as a new couple and not be exclusive?
What is wrong with men today? Seriously. I'm tired of all of it. I think its time to join a nunnary.
Then the floodgates of hell opened up. I started dating and being intimate with people. I liked the attention, I liked the feeling and in all of that, I lost myself. But I digress, I will write more about that whole experience at another time, this writing is about the randomness of life lately....
So, after not having anyone really pursue me or show a strong interest in me romantically for the first 27 or so years of my life, I blossomed I guess. And dated. A lot. During the last 12 months, I went out with a few different guys. Nothing much happened with any of them, relationships just didn't blossom into anything serious. I hadn't talked to any of them in months or at least weeks. Well, within the last week, five of the men I dated in the last year who I do not talk to any longer, contacted me.
Out of the blue.
Random.
Why do they do that? Why do men let a woman go then once she actually moves on, boom they contact her and expect her to drop everything and jump with joy that they have returned? Its bizarre. One, who lives in Chicago, and I went on ONE actual date with, honestly asked me to be in a long distance committed relationship with him....seriously? Are you crazy?
Another contacted me, after I had not talked to him for three weeks and told him I didn't want to see him anymore and said all the right things, he said he wanted a relationship, to start over as-in his words-"a new couple." One would assume that a couple means exclusive right? Well two days after this declaration of commitment I asked for clarification by simply saying, so we are exclusive right?
No was his answer. Well how the hell can you start out as a new couple and not be exclusive?
What is wrong with men today? Seriously. I'm tired of all of it. I think its time to join a nunnary.
Vacations for Teachers? 1.04.09
I love teaching. Its a rewarding, challenging, fun, entertaining, exhilierating career where I truly feel I am called to be. However, I doubt I will stay in the teaching field longer than a couple more years. Why? Well, because teachers are taken for granted by society. We are not valued the way we should be considering the job we do and the complicated stress we have to deal with every day. We have pressure from students, parents, administrators, society as a whole, politicians, school boards, and everyone else. We are held to incredibly high standards but are not compensated to match the requirements we are expected to meet.
For example, I have my master's degree. The same level of education as a lawyer, correct? And yes lawyers have to bass the bar exam, but teachers have to pass multiple certification tests that we have to pay for. In Minnesota I believe I have to take three different tests that cost about $100 a piece. Do I make any where close to the amount of money a lawyer makes? No friggen way.
Well, you say, teachers get summers off and christmas break and spring break and all those other days off when school is not in session. Yes, you are correct we do get that time off, however that time is not vacation time. Let me explain. Do I get a paycheck over the summer, over christmas break and over spring break? Yes I do. However, it is not paid vacation. What the school districts payroll department does is take my salary and divide it equally over 26 pay periods for the year. So I get the same pay each pay period regardless of if we are in school or not. Anyone in the workforce could essentially work out a deal with their payroll department or set up their own savings account to do the same thing if they wanted to take extended time off work.
To break it down, when I worked in Chicago Public Schools, they took about $400 from each bi weekly paycheck and put into a savings account for me called "extended pay". When school was not in session, they paid me out of that fund, not out of vacation pay.
Teachers get two weeks paid vacation a year-one week at Christmas and one week for spring break. This never increases. If I worked in any other job, my paid vacation time would increase as I put in time. For example, my sister has worked for Allina for at least ten years, maybe even 15 years, and she has worked her way up to six weeks of PAID vacation. This is not banked time or banked salary, this is time her job pays her for not working. Why do teachers not deserve the same thing?
Another gripe...when we are on these unpaid vacations, we are expected to work. Teachers are expected to take work home with them-do lesson plans, grade papers, organize the classroom, make copies, buy books, etc. Teachers work for free probably an average of 10 hours a week. That is not okay. We are professionals who deserve to be compensated for our time and our value.
One final gripe. To maintain our teaching licenses, teachers have to continue their education and participate in professional development via conferences, meetings, and other events on our own time. Schools do not offer tuition reimbursement for these requirements. We have to pay for it out of our own pockets and our own time. We do not get paid for spending a weekend at a Young Adult Literacy Conference. We do not get reimbursed for taking classes that will improve our work performance and classes that are required for us to keep our jobs. We are expected to pay for those requirements out of our own pockets. How insane is that? Almost every other employer offers some level of tuition reimbursement....why don't school districts?
The best teachers end of leaving education because they can't deal with being taken for granted anymore and being expected to invest hours of our own time because its the right thing to do and because we care about kids. Its time for society to raise the compensation for teachers at the same level they raise the expectations and pressure for teachers.
For example, I have my master's degree. The same level of education as a lawyer, correct? And yes lawyers have to bass the bar exam, but teachers have to pass multiple certification tests that we have to pay for. In Minnesota I believe I have to take three different tests that cost about $100 a piece. Do I make any where close to the amount of money a lawyer makes? No friggen way.
Well, you say, teachers get summers off and christmas break and spring break and all those other days off when school is not in session. Yes, you are correct we do get that time off, however that time is not vacation time. Let me explain. Do I get a paycheck over the summer, over christmas break and over spring break? Yes I do. However, it is not paid vacation. What the school districts payroll department does is take my salary and divide it equally over 26 pay periods for the year. So I get the same pay each pay period regardless of if we are in school or not. Anyone in the workforce could essentially work out a deal with their payroll department or set up their own savings account to do the same thing if they wanted to take extended time off work.
To break it down, when I worked in Chicago Public Schools, they took about $400 from each bi weekly paycheck and put into a savings account for me called "extended pay". When school was not in session, they paid me out of that fund, not out of vacation pay.
Teachers get two weeks paid vacation a year-one week at Christmas and one week for spring break. This never increases. If I worked in any other job, my paid vacation time would increase as I put in time. For example, my sister has worked for Allina for at least ten years, maybe even 15 years, and she has worked her way up to six weeks of PAID vacation. This is not banked time or banked salary, this is time her job pays her for not working. Why do teachers not deserve the same thing?
Another gripe...when we are on these unpaid vacations, we are expected to work. Teachers are expected to take work home with them-do lesson plans, grade papers, organize the classroom, make copies, buy books, etc. Teachers work for free probably an average of 10 hours a week. That is not okay. We are professionals who deserve to be compensated for our time and our value.
One final gripe. To maintain our teaching licenses, teachers have to continue their education and participate in professional development via conferences, meetings, and other events on our own time. Schools do not offer tuition reimbursement for these requirements. We have to pay for it out of our own pockets and our own time. We do not get paid for spending a weekend at a Young Adult Literacy Conference. We do not get reimbursed for taking classes that will improve our work performance and classes that are required for us to keep our jobs. We are expected to pay for those requirements out of our own pockets. How insane is that? Almost every other employer offers some level of tuition reimbursement....why don't school districts?
The best teachers end of leaving education because they can't deal with being taken for granted anymore and being expected to invest hours of our own time because its the right thing to do and because we care about kids. Its time for society to raise the compensation for teachers at the same level they raise the expectations and pressure for teachers.
Certified Mail
Okay, so here is the word for word letter I got via certified mail last week from my former school:
"It has come to our attention that you have been involved in email communication with one of our sixth grade students. Your very casual and friendly communication could certainly be misconstrued as an attempt to contact and to later meet with a vulnerable young student. Therefore, we are informing you that you may at no time contact any New Visions student.
If you are unclear about the above request, please contact our school legal counsel...."
Um yeah. So...needless to say i am more than a little upset. Thinking about this letter and the whole situation literally has me shaking and feeling so sick. I emailed a student because she had sent me a card when I was out on "administrative leave." The card was in the boxes of my belongings that the school packed up and I picked up. In the card, the student said she missed me wanted me to come back blah blah blah and she included her email address. I sent her the following email:
Hello (student's name removed because its a good idea),
Thank you for your card and all of the encouraging notes you left me
throughout the year. I appreciate them a lot. I just got your most
recent card today when I got to the school to pick up my belongings.
I miss you and the entire class and am very sorry I can not be there
with you all to finish out the year. Unfortunately, circumstances
beyond my control have kept me from being there. I enjoyed being your
teacher and know you will continue to do well.
Do you know where you will be going to school next year yet?
Tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them. Also feel free to
give them my email address as well, I would love to hear from anyone!
Thanks again (students name removed again),
Ms. Wymore
The kicker is that a couple of days after I sent the email, I got an email from Human Resources at the school saying I was not allowed to contact any students or staff of the school. Which I didn't. Then I get this letter in the mail. Its become harassment in my opinion.
So yeah...I just don't know what to do. I am angry, frustrated, discouraged and just plan exhausted. I am planning on calling a lawyer because I can not stand this veiled accusation out there and it makes me wonder what they are saying about me. I feel like I have been blackballed in the education community and I don't even know why.
I have never been accused of doing anything even remotely inappropriate regarding a student and I am just.....I don't even have words to explain my feelings. ARGH. Any advice? Thoughts? I have been working with students all of my adult life and this situation is taking the wind out of me...I still haven't contacted a lawyer because I am intimidated and scared. I need to, everyone I talk to says I should at least have a conversation with a lawyer just to get some perspective if nothing else, but I am so not good at standing up for myself. Maybe this is my chance....
"It has come to our attention that you have been involved in email communication with one of our sixth grade students. Your very casual and friendly communication could certainly be misconstrued as an attempt to contact and to later meet with a vulnerable young student. Therefore, we are informing you that you may at no time contact any New Visions student.
If you are unclear about the above request, please contact our school legal counsel...."
Um yeah. So...needless to say i am more than a little upset. Thinking about this letter and the whole situation literally has me shaking and feeling so sick. I emailed a student because she had sent me a card when I was out on "administrative leave." The card was in the boxes of my belongings that the school packed up and I picked up. In the card, the student said she missed me wanted me to come back blah blah blah and she included her email address. I sent her the following email:
Hello (student's name removed because its a good idea),
Thank you for your card and all of the encouraging notes you left me
throughout the year. I appreciate them a lot. I just got your most
recent card today when I got to the school to pick up my belongings.
I miss you and the entire class and am very sorry I can not be there
with you all to finish out the year. Unfortunately, circumstances
beyond my control have kept me from being there. I enjoyed being your
teacher and know you will continue to do well.
Do you know where you will be going to school next year yet?
Tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them. Also feel free to
give them my email address as well, I would love to hear from anyone!
Thanks again (students name removed again),
Ms. Wymore
The kicker is that a couple of days after I sent the email, I got an email from Human Resources at the school saying I was not allowed to contact any students or staff of the school. Which I didn't. Then I get this letter in the mail. Its become harassment in my opinion.
So yeah...I just don't know what to do. I am angry, frustrated, discouraged and just plan exhausted. I am planning on calling a lawyer because I can not stand this veiled accusation out there and it makes me wonder what they are saying about me. I feel like I have been blackballed in the education community and I don't even know why.
I have never been accused of doing anything even remotely inappropriate regarding a student and I am just.....I don't even have words to explain my feelings. ARGH. Any advice? Thoughts? I have been working with students all of my adult life and this situation is taking the wind out of me...I still haven't contacted a lawyer because I am intimidated and scared. I need to, everyone I talk to says I should at least have a conversation with a lawyer just to get some perspective if nothing else, but I am so not good at standing up for myself. Maybe this is my chance....
The Ex Files....
As of Sunday night, all of my exs from the last three years have contacted me in a week. The incredibly ironic thing is, this happens every six months or so. Sunday night, THE EX from Chicago contacted me via yahoo messenger. Yahoo messenger was how we met and it was always a thorn in the side of our relationship because THE EX always had lots and lots of friends on yahoo messenger. I use the term friends very very loosely. At one point in time, I saw his messenger list and it was divided into states and under each state category there were at least five women listed. I don't recall if all fifty states were categories but you get the point. Lots and lots of friends. This continued throughout the entire five years of our relationship. On my list, I had only family and a couple of college friends. Literally, at the most, I had ten people. The last time I had heard from him was a text message and email on my birthday, April 17th. Our conversation Sunday night started out friendly enough. He asked how I was doing, I said shitty. He asked why, I explained what is going on with my job situation, etc. He said that sucks, and then said, "if you were here I would take you to Lou's for pizza, then Cafe Jumping Bean for coffee and bring you some wine."
Lou Malnatis is a pizza restaurant in the North Lawndale neighborhood of Chicago's westside that is my favorite restaurant on the planet. I have strong sentimental ties to that specific location and they have kick ass thick crust Chicago style pizza and cheddar cheese cubes-which are deep fried, breaded, cubes of smooth cheddar cheese goodness that you can not get anywhere else. Cafe Jumping Bean is an eclectic coffee shop in the Pilsen neighborhood of Chicago on 18th near the former blue line now pink line stop. That cafe also has a deep place in my heart and is my favorite cafe in all the world. The EX was trying to be sweet and supportive, but I lost it.
My response to his kindness was, "no you wouldn't." He said, why are you being so mean, of course I would. I said, no I am saying I wouldn't allow you to take me to those places.
My heart is still fairly raw from the break up with this man from 18 months ago. See, THE EX, is the first man I ever truly loved and ever honestly thought I would marry, settle down with, and build a family with. We spent five years together. He met my family and became an intimate part of my life. My nephew Phoenix still asks about him, which breaks my heart because he loved THE EX and THE EX truly enjoyed spending time with him and all of the kids in my life, which is one of the many reasons why I loved him. He literally played with the kids. He took Kjarra, my niece, to a Bulls game when she visited me. He too Malcolm, my nephew, fishing at Humbolt Park when he visited Chicago. He spent the day downtown with Kjarra, Julia, Phoenix and me when I had the three of them stay with me for a week.
To hear him say that he wanted to comfort me during this insanely stressful time of my life brought up all the emotions from the day I left Chicago a year ago. THE EX did not ask me to stay in Chicago. He had six months to make a choice and ask me to stay in Chicago. Did he ever once ask me to stay? No. Not a word. Nothing so much as a, "Ill miss you Kiki." He let me go. He didn't fight for me or our relationship therefore he has no right to now try to comfort me and play that emotional russian roulette with my heart. During this yahoo conversation, I went off on him and told him that I can not handle the emotional ups and downs he gives me and he is not allowed to have those conversations with me any more. I essentially told him that I can not have a casual, lets chat when we can and pretend everything is okay between us kind of relationship with him. Its too hard. Too many feelings. Too much history. I did call him the next day and left him a voicemail apologizing for the mean things I said to him. I did not need to bring things to the level that I did, and I apologized for that.
The question remains, how do I let go of him completely? I still have so many feelings for him, so many memories (good and bad). His phone number is one of the few phone numbers I have memorized because I heard it on his friggen voicemail all the time because he never answered his phone. When will his phone number leave my memory?
Lou Malnatis is a pizza restaurant in the North Lawndale neighborhood of Chicago's westside that is my favorite restaurant on the planet. I have strong sentimental ties to that specific location and they have kick ass thick crust Chicago style pizza and cheddar cheese cubes-which are deep fried, breaded, cubes of smooth cheddar cheese goodness that you can not get anywhere else. Cafe Jumping Bean is an eclectic coffee shop in the Pilsen neighborhood of Chicago on 18th near the former blue line now pink line stop. That cafe also has a deep place in my heart and is my favorite cafe in all the world. The EX was trying to be sweet and supportive, but I lost it.
My response to his kindness was, "no you wouldn't." He said, why are you being so mean, of course I would. I said, no I am saying I wouldn't allow you to take me to those places.
My heart is still fairly raw from the break up with this man from 18 months ago. See, THE EX, is the first man I ever truly loved and ever honestly thought I would marry, settle down with, and build a family with. We spent five years together. He met my family and became an intimate part of my life. My nephew Phoenix still asks about him, which breaks my heart because he loved THE EX and THE EX truly enjoyed spending time with him and all of the kids in my life, which is one of the many reasons why I loved him. He literally played with the kids. He took Kjarra, my niece, to a Bulls game when she visited me. He too Malcolm, my nephew, fishing at Humbolt Park when he visited Chicago. He spent the day downtown with Kjarra, Julia, Phoenix and me when I had the three of them stay with me for a week.
To hear him say that he wanted to comfort me during this insanely stressful time of my life brought up all the emotions from the day I left Chicago a year ago. THE EX did not ask me to stay in Chicago. He had six months to make a choice and ask me to stay in Chicago. Did he ever once ask me to stay? No. Not a word. Nothing so much as a, "Ill miss you Kiki." He let me go. He didn't fight for me or our relationship therefore he has no right to now try to comfort me and play that emotional russian roulette with my heart. During this yahoo conversation, I went off on him and told him that I can not handle the emotional ups and downs he gives me and he is not allowed to have those conversations with me any more. I essentially told him that I can not have a casual, lets chat when we can and pretend everything is okay between us kind of relationship with him. Its too hard. Too many feelings. Too much history. I did call him the next day and left him a voicemail apologizing for the mean things I said to him. I did not need to bring things to the level that I did, and I apologized for that.
The question remains, how do I let go of him completely? I still have so many feelings for him, so many memories (good and bad). His phone number is one of the few phone numbers I have memorized because I heard it on his friggen voicemail all the time because he never answered his phone. When will his phone number leave my memory?
Rita and the Wood Ducks
My mother is a modern day St Francis, patron saint of the animals. She has always loved animals more than people, I can't say I blame her. Animals are innocent creatures that live on our planet to bring us joy-as pets, as amazing examples of Gods creative ability, as food, as entertainment, as part of the food chain that sustains our planet. Today was another animal adventure for my mother. It seems the animal kingdom has spread the word that in Coon Rapids there is a place with beautiful plants, a lush lawn, and a human that will not hurt you but will protect you so animals flock to this paradise. This morning it was a Wood Duck family. My mother knew the Wood Duck had chosen an old oak tree for her nest, much to her chagrin. See, there isn't any water nearby. No ponds, no lakes, no rivers can be accessed from my mother's yard. At 5:30am while Mom was sitting on the concrete bench in the middle of her patio surrounded by hostas and other plants, smoking her morning cigarette, mom noticed something in the yard under the big oak tree. A large broken egg. Uh oh. An egg fell out of the nest, where is the duckling?!? Well, never fear, the little ball of fluff was nearby wadding around and squawking up a storm. Not sure what to do, Mom called her sister whose husband knows a lot about birds. Mom was thinking she would have to figure out how to get the little wayward duckling back to his nest. Nope, according to the Audubon Book, when Wood Ducks are ready to leave the nest, they waddle down the trunk of the tree with their sharp claws keeping them steady and safe. With that information in hand, Mom went back out to check on the duckling. Now there were several ducklings waddling around the yard along with their mama. One curious little ball of fluffy feathers managed to get himself stuck between the next door neighbor's fence and house, so Mom jumped the fence (catching her shorts on the chain link) and brought the little one back to his family flock. She wore gloves, of course, to ensure that the mama wouldn't get upset. Once safely back in the sanctuary yard, Mom heard more cries and found that another little one had gotten himself stuck on the other side of the fence. This time he was between the dog kennel and the garage. Again, Mom (who is 58 years old) climbed the fence to save the little booger. Kneeling down, she stretched her hand between the kennel and the garage and scooped little bit up, returned him to his family waddling around the yard. Mother duck wasn't sure what to do with herself. She climbed into the play area my mom has for the grandkids which is edged by a few inches of wood to keep the area separated from the rest of the yard. By now the family was ten little ducklings and the mama wandering in the play area. They huddled into a corner where the mama paused to gather her flock and her thoughts. The babies cuddled up under her wings and she pondered her next step. Odie ran to the fence barking and the mama duck bolted to the other side of the yard. Odie is the sausage with legs who lives next door. His owner did not know about the duckling drama and let him out. Mom called over to the owner and the dog was removed from the situation but not before the mama duck had had enough. She was waddling alone across the yard. The ducklings were too small to get out of the short walled play area. So, Rita to the rescue! My mom went to get some wood planks and made ramps for the ducklings who quickly skittered up the ramps to follow their mother. While mom and the neighbor were discussing what to do, the family made their way across the street and were heading to University Avenue! There is a pond area on the other side of University Avenue which is a four lane, busy road. Ashley, the neighbor, immediately got in her car, followed the Wood Duck family down the street, parked and got out of her car to stop traffic to lead the little family safely across the highway. After they got across, she came back to let my mom know they family crossed safely then she walked to where the pond is to make sure they were safely in water. Which they were. Most people do not take the time to notice living creation around them but my mother consistently takes the time to care for these helpless creatures whose lands we have overtaken. To some, it may be silly. To me, it is deeply honorable and I am proud of my mother and the love she shows for animals.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
crises of faith?
I grew up going to church and my faith has always been very real to me. I went to youth group, did the Sunday school thing, my closest friends in high school were the people in my small church youth group. Christian summer camp, private Christian college, daily Bible reading, discipleship, youth ministry, constant volunteering, etc etc etc. As an adult, I even spent a year living in intentional Christian community serving in an urban neighborhood and church-I was a 'missionary" of sorts. After the year of mission community service, I joined a team starting a church. I guess that is where my crises of faith started. Since then, I have not been a part of a church body. During all of my church and spiritual experiences there have been conflicts and times of growth but during the church plant-which was five years ago-a series of events happened that cut to my soul.
First, I joined the group with the understanding that it was to be a egalitarian, socially minded church. Specifically meaning, there was no issue with women in leadership. The pastor and I had long talks about this idea and at the time I was asked to join the church as a pastor of Social Justice sort of role-leading our community in the pursuit of caring for the least of these as Jesus did. As other people joined our small community, other views and issues were discussed, some in a large group, some in a small group. Finally, we were getting to the nitty gritty of starting this church and we started writing the church constitution. The core of us were meeting and as we were going over the constitution, there was something in there about men holding leadership. I stopped the group and asked what that was all about. I was not the only one shocked by such a statement in the constitution, but we were the minority. It seems the men who joined the core group later would have nothing to do with an egalitarian church. The discussion started and the pastor stuck with the men. I was floored. I had moved more than 50 miles to be a part of this church. I had put my heart and soul into it and was blindsided with the news that I could not be in leadership because I am female. This whole idea goes against everything in my being. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I felt lost. I felt like God had lied to me and led me on a while goose chase. So, slowly, almost noticeably, I phased myself out of the church.
As I was phasing myself out, it was rather unconscious, I began playing games with men. Over the next six months or so, I dated and slept with several different men. No one in the church had any idea because the church itself was falling apart due to divisiveness. Of course, I don't really know the ins and outs of this because I was already out of the community. During this time, I also decided to move to Chicago and begin my teaching career. I was drawing further and farther from God but I didn't realize it. I still prayed, I still considered myself a Christian, I still strove to follow God, something was missing.
I still feel this sense of something missing and I am coming close to figuring out what it is. I am missing the sense of spiritual community that God created us to have relationships with fellow Christians to help walk through life together and be able to deal with things as they happen. I miss that feeling of community more than anything in my life but at the same time, I am scared to death to try to develop it again. Opening myself up to people, sharing my life and my story, and my faith, is not easy. Its scary. I have gone to church a couple of times and it felt good. A little uncomfortable, but good. Yet, every Sunday I seem to oversleep or just choose not to go. I want to go but the fear stops me. Fear of judgement, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being liked, fears of everything. Perhaps, there is also some shame.
Shame because of how I chose to live my life over the last five years. I didn't go to church. I distanced myself from all things spiritual. I don't feel like God has left me, but I feel like I have left God. Not because of the choices I made regarding sexual relationships, but because of the choices I made regarding building relationships and being a part of a church body. I allowed my fear to take over my life and rather than settling into a church, I went once or twice and then found excuses not to go. I miss it. And I need to start going.
Here's the thing though. I don't want to go because I want God to fix things in my life. I don't want this to be a big going home kind of emotional and spiritual rebirth because its not that dramatic. I need community. I need church. I need that spiritual centeredness I once had regardless of if anyone goes along with me or not. I fear being alone, I fear going to church alone. Part of faith though, is realizing that we are never alone. We have God with us and more than that, we have a whole community of faith that we are a part of if we choose to join it.
Currently, things in my life are not how I want them to be. I lost my job. I was accused of horrible things by my former employer and was never allowed to defend myself. Decisions were made about my life without my input. I have applied for hundreds of jobs ranging from a barista job at Caribou to a Training Manager at the corporate headquarters. And how many calls for interviews have I gotten? One. I had an interview last week for a job at a university that involves a $10,000 a year pay cut. Things are not looking great. The guy I am dating spends more time studying than spending time with me and currently loves trying to tell me what to do-which doesn't go over well. He is in his world, looking for a job, going to school and I am in the background, which is getting old. Are these reasons to turn to God? Of course they are, but they are not the only reasons. I am not looking for God to solve all my problems or miraculously give me my dream job or my dream man. That is not what this is about. This is about finding community again, which is what my heart longs for. I don't expect to get the job offer of my dreams on Monday because I go to church on Sunday. Of course, that would be a nice surprise, but not the purpose of my return to a faith community. I want community. Its that simple. A place of faith to belong to, where I can serve and grow with fellow believers and perhaps, change our little corner of the world to be a better place.
First, I joined the group with the understanding that it was to be a egalitarian, socially minded church. Specifically meaning, there was no issue with women in leadership. The pastor and I had long talks about this idea and at the time I was asked to join the church as a pastor of Social Justice sort of role-leading our community in the pursuit of caring for the least of these as Jesus did. As other people joined our small community, other views and issues were discussed, some in a large group, some in a small group. Finally, we were getting to the nitty gritty of starting this church and we started writing the church constitution. The core of us were meeting and as we were going over the constitution, there was something in there about men holding leadership. I stopped the group and asked what that was all about. I was not the only one shocked by such a statement in the constitution, but we were the minority. It seems the men who joined the core group later would have nothing to do with an egalitarian church. The discussion started and the pastor stuck with the men. I was floored. I had moved more than 50 miles to be a part of this church. I had put my heart and soul into it and was blindsided with the news that I could not be in leadership because I am female. This whole idea goes against everything in my being. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I felt lost. I felt like God had lied to me and led me on a while goose chase. So, slowly, almost noticeably, I phased myself out of the church.
As I was phasing myself out, it was rather unconscious, I began playing games with men. Over the next six months or so, I dated and slept with several different men. No one in the church had any idea because the church itself was falling apart due to divisiveness. Of course, I don't really know the ins and outs of this because I was already out of the community. During this time, I also decided to move to Chicago and begin my teaching career. I was drawing further and farther from God but I didn't realize it. I still prayed, I still considered myself a Christian, I still strove to follow God, something was missing.
I still feel this sense of something missing and I am coming close to figuring out what it is. I am missing the sense of spiritual community that God created us to have relationships with fellow Christians to help walk through life together and be able to deal with things as they happen. I miss that feeling of community more than anything in my life but at the same time, I am scared to death to try to develop it again. Opening myself up to people, sharing my life and my story, and my faith, is not easy. Its scary. I have gone to church a couple of times and it felt good. A little uncomfortable, but good. Yet, every Sunday I seem to oversleep or just choose not to go. I want to go but the fear stops me. Fear of judgement, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being liked, fears of everything. Perhaps, there is also some shame.
Shame because of how I chose to live my life over the last five years. I didn't go to church. I distanced myself from all things spiritual. I don't feel like God has left me, but I feel like I have left God. Not because of the choices I made regarding sexual relationships, but because of the choices I made regarding building relationships and being a part of a church body. I allowed my fear to take over my life and rather than settling into a church, I went once or twice and then found excuses not to go. I miss it. And I need to start going.
Here's the thing though. I don't want to go because I want God to fix things in my life. I don't want this to be a big going home kind of emotional and spiritual rebirth because its not that dramatic. I need community. I need church. I need that spiritual centeredness I once had regardless of if anyone goes along with me or not. I fear being alone, I fear going to church alone. Part of faith though, is realizing that we are never alone. We have God with us and more than that, we have a whole community of faith that we are a part of if we choose to join it.
Currently, things in my life are not how I want them to be. I lost my job. I was accused of horrible things by my former employer and was never allowed to defend myself. Decisions were made about my life without my input. I have applied for hundreds of jobs ranging from a barista job at Caribou to a Training Manager at the corporate headquarters. And how many calls for interviews have I gotten? One. I had an interview last week for a job at a university that involves a $10,000 a year pay cut. Things are not looking great. The guy I am dating spends more time studying than spending time with me and currently loves trying to tell me what to do-which doesn't go over well. He is in his world, looking for a job, going to school and I am in the background, which is getting old. Are these reasons to turn to God? Of course they are, but they are not the only reasons. I am not looking for God to solve all my problems or miraculously give me my dream job or my dream man. That is not what this is about. This is about finding community again, which is what my heart longs for. I don't expect to get the job offer of my dreams on Monday because I go to church on Sunday. Of course, that would be a nice surprise, but not the purpose of my return to a faith community. I want community. Its that simple. A place of faith to belong to, where I can serve and grow with fellow believers and perhaps, change our little corner of the world to be a better place.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Fightin Cats
Four years ago I was wandering through the Oak Park main street shopping area and entered a high flautin pet boutique. My cats are neither high flautin nor boutique types, but I figured I'd check it out. As I perused the over priced specialty items for pets I saw an adorable white woven basket with a light pink and green corduroy pillow on clearance. Jem sleeps by me every night. Scout never really had her own place to sleep, so I bought the basket for my baby girl-after all it was pink corduroy! I brought it home, all excited to show it to Scout. She couldn't care less. She didn't give it a second look. Jem, avoided it for a while too but eventually he started sleeping in it. So, my big, black and white, male tabby cat was sleeping in a pink woven basket lined with corduroy-oh well, at least it wasn't a waste. Over the last few years, I would happily see Jem curled up in his basket snoozing away at least a few times a week, Scout never set a paw in the basket. Until last week.
Then all hell broke loose. I came home from a day of job hunting or family fun and looked at the basket surprise to see Scout curled up in it. Jem was laying on the couch staring at his pink corduroy bed with daggers in his eyes towards his sister. He got up, layed down in front of the basket and started rolling around on his back and reaching out to touch his former place of rest. He was trying to seduce his sister out of the warm courderoy. Scout smirked at him, curled up, and promptly went to sleep. Jem was not to be deterred. He sat up and smacked his sister. Just all out wacked her in the head. She woke up and it was on. The war of the basket began.
My cats are siblings, they have never been apart and they play together frequently wrestling, chasing each other, etc. This was not a simple play fight. They were serious! Jem was holding Scout down and biting her ear but Scout would not give up the basket. She had her plump body filling up the pink corduroy and her paws were flying against her brother.
In the end, Scout kept possession of the basket. Now, I find Scout in the basket every day and find Jem laying on the cold, hard, floor next to the basket looking longingly at his former place of solice. For now, Scout has posession of the basket. I guess Jem had it for four years, and now its Scouts turn.
Random Boomerangs
Over the past two years, I have dated a few men. While I was actually 'dating' each of them, things were okay but, me being who I am, I got bored and moved on fairly quickly. Of course, the exception to that would be A-the big ex of five years. I am not 100% sure I have completely moved on from him yet. There are still some remnants of him swimming around in my heart, but I digress. Over the last month or so, four of the men I have dated in the last two years have contacted me. Out of the blue. Three of them are out of state-two in Chicago, one in Baltimore.
The 3rd, who I call Thugalicious, is local. He makes it a point to call me about once a month to make sure I am still not interested in dating him. I find it mildly amusing. We have the same conversation every time he calls. He tells me I have a bad attitude and I tell him not to call me then...yet he continues to call.
THE EX emailed and texted me for my birthday on April 17th and then, in a moment of insane desperation, I called him after I got fired to ask him if there was any reason for me to go back to ChiTown. His answer..... nothing. He didn't respond. Same old shit, different day from him.
The really interesting contacts are Chef and Beautiful Dreadlock Man. Chef is a professional chef I dated very briefly in Chicago after The Ex and I broke up. We literally went out on one date. ONE date. He was very randomly in and out of my life and I, quite simply, moved on. He has contacted me several times over the last year since I moved back to Minneapolis. Chef is full of promises and grandiose ideas that generally amount to nothing. For the last year he has talked about coming to Minneapolis to see me. The key word in that sentence is talked. No action. He wants me to make a commitment and promises to him for us to have this incredibly romantic fall in love kind of thing...but I can't. He is 420 miles away and full of words that have yet to led into action.
Number four is BDM (Beautiful Dreadlock Man). We met just after The Ex and I broke up and I was in Minneapolis for job interviews. This man is the only man I have ever met in all of my life that literally gives me butterflies in my stomach. When he and I first met at TGIFriday's in Roseville, I was so nervous I couldn't even look at him. When he touched me, electricity flowed through my veins. He is, in my opinion, beautiful. Soulful brown eyes, soft, gentle, lips, thick, long, dreadlocks. The unfortunate thing about BDM is that he knows he is beautiful and he comes from a certain level of privilege but won't admit it. His parents paid for college for him. His parents paid for him to travel the world after college. Yeah, they had it rough when they were young (his parents) but this man has never been poor. He also thinks he knows all about the oppressive white folks and stuff. We have had some fairly heated disagreements. He returned to Baltimore at the end of 2008 or the start of 2009, I don't remember exactly. Things between he and I did not end well. Yesterday, he contacted me via yahoo messenger. Shocked the hell out of be because he had blocked me from contacting him on yahoo-which was cool with me. I was over it. He was very drama filled and his beautifulness did not make up for his arrogance or the way he talked to me. Oh and he at one time told me that he would only be with me if I got rid of my cats. Um yeah, not gonna happen my friend. Ever.
So, why did he contact me from Baltimore? To apologize. He said he was emotionally unavailable when we were seeing each other and he was a total ass to me and he was sorry. He said I was sweet to him and good to him and he regrets how he treated me and.....he said I'm gorgeous and he misses me and he........wants to try again. um....woah. He offered me a trip to Baltimore so he can show me 'his city".
BDM wants another chance with Kikers. So does Chef Man. And Thugalicious will call soon, I'm sure. And currently I am seeing someone else-MBA. That's what I'll call him because he is currently in the process of getting his MBA so he is always busy which causes a lot of strife between us.
Here is the conundrum: why do these men keep returning? My sisters have said its about sex. But come on, Chef and BDM do not need to contact me from across the nation to get some female attention. And obviously, I am not going to be jumping into bed with them when I am several states away. Both are good looking, professional, sexy, intelligent men who I haven't seen in a year. I have never considered myself a woman with options regarding men. Obviously, I have been incorrect in my evaluation of myself. These guys are not crazy or losers or just looking for sex. BDM has talked about marriage and kids. Chef has talked about moving here to MN because he wants to be with me. Yes, of course, it is just talk-but my question is-what is the point of just talking if there isn't something behind it? I don't contact these guys. In fact, I had deleted all of their contact information. They come to me. The crazy thing too is its not just once they come back then move on. Chef Man has come back at least five times. BDM in on round 3 I think. And even MBA-he is on round 11 or so I think.
The second conundrum is-what do I do with them? Each of them is completely different than the others. My feelings for each of them are completely different than the others. Each has completely different things to offer and I have completely different histories with each of them.
I just turned 33 and lost my job (and possibly my career) in the same week. I am looking for stability and a new start and these men show up as I am in a place where I can literally go anywhere and do anything. I am wide open to possibilities right now and the possibilities keep coming, so how do I choose? Especially when my hearts desire is to have someone to share my life with, to build a life with, to fall in love with and settle down with (or continue the random adventures of life with).....
The 3rd, who I call Thugalicious, is local. He makes it a point to call me about once a month to make sure I am still not interested in dating him. I find it mildly amusing. We have the same conversation every time he calls. He tells me I have a bad attitude and I tell him not to call me then...yet he continues to call.
THE EX emailed and texted me for my birthday on April 17th and then, in a moment of insane desperation, I called him after I got fired to ask him if there was any reason for me to go back to ChiTown. His answer..... nothing. He didn't respond. Same old shit, different day from him.
The really interesting contacts are Chef and Beautiful Dreadlock Man. Chef is a professional chef I dated very briefly in Chicago after The Ex and I broke up. We literally went out on one date. ONE date. He was very randomly in and out of my life and I, quite simply, moved on. He has contacted me several times over the last year since I moved back to Minneapolis. Chef is full of promises and grandiose ideas that generally amount to nothing. For the last year he has talked about coming to Minneapolis to see me. The key word in that sentence is talked. No action. He wants me to make a commitment and promises to him for us to have this incredibly romantic fall in love kind of thing...but I can't. He is 420 miles away and full of words that have yet to led into action.
Number four is BDM (Beautiful Dreadlock Man). We met just after The Ex and I broke up and I was in Minneapolis for job interviews. This man is the only man I have ever met in all of my life that literally gives me butterflies in my stomach. When he and I first met at TGIFriday's in Roseville, I was so nervous I couldn't even look at him. When he touched me, electricity flowed through my veins. He is, in my opinion, beautiful. Soulful brown eyes, soft, gentle, lips, thick, long, dreadlocks. The unfortunate thing about BDM is that he knows he is beautiful and he comes from a certain level of privilege but won't admit it. His parents paid for college for him. His parents paid for him to travel the world after college. Yeah, they had it rough when they were young (his parents) but this man has never been poor. He also thinks he knows all about the oppressive white folks and stuff. We have had some fairly heated disagreements. He returned to Baltimore at the end of 2008 or the start of 2009, I don't remember exactly. Things between he and I did not end well. Yesterday, he contacted me via yahoo messenger. Shocked the hell out of be because he had blocked me from contacting him on yahoo-which was cool with me. I was over it. He was very drama filled and his beautifulness did not make up for his arrogance or the way he talked to me. Oh and he at one time told me that he would only be with me if I got rid of my cats. Um yeah, not gonna happen my friend. Ever.
So, why did he contact me from Baltimore? To apologize. He said he was emotionally unavailable when we were seeing each other and he was a total ass to me and he was sorry. He said I was sweet to him and good to him and he regrets how he treated me and.....he said I'm gorgeous and he misses me and he........wants to try again. um....woah. He offered me a trip to Baltimore so he can show me 'his city".
BDM wants another chance with Kikers. So does Chef Man. And Thugalicious will call soon, I'm sure. And currently I am seeing someone else-MBA. That's what I'll call him because he is currently in the process of getting his MBA so he is always busy which causes a lot of strife between us.
Here is the conundrum: why do these men keep returning? My sisters have said its about sex. But come on, Chef and BDM do not need to contact me from across the nation to get some female attention. And obviously, I am not going to be jumping into bed with them when I am several states away. Both are good looking, professional, sexy, intelligent men who I haven't seen in a year. I have never considered myself a woman with options regarding men. Obviously, I have been incorrect in my evaluation of myself. These guys are not crazy or losers or just looking for sex. BDM has talked about marriage and kids. Chef has talked about moving here to MN because he wants to be with me. Yes, of course, it is just talk-but my question is-what is the point of just talking if there isn't something behind it? I don't contact these guys. In fact, I had deleted all of their contact information. They come to me. The crazy thing too is its not just once they come back then move on. Chef Man has come back at least five times. BDM in on round 3 I think. And even MBA-he is on round 11 or so I think.
The second conundrum is-what do I do with them? Each of them is completely different than the others. My feelings for each of them are completely different than the others. Each has completely different things to offer and I have completely different histories with each of them.
I just turned 33 and lost my job (and possibly my career) in the same week. I am looking for stability and a new start and these men show up as I am in a place where I can literally go anywhere and do anything. I am wide open to possibilities right now and the possibilities keep coming, so how do I choose? Especially when my hearts desire is to have someone to share my life with, to build a life with, to fall in love with and settle down with (or continue the random adventures of life with).....
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Career?
A career is something you strive to create that gives you purpose and an income, that is generally the goal anyway. I spent the last ten or so years of my life preparing for such a career-a career in teaching. A so called noble profession focused on helping children become all they were created to be. My passion is urban education-striving to give students who happen to live in underserved, forgotten areas the same educational challenges and opportunities that students who happen to live in privilidged areas. Here's the thing...I have done that. I am good at it. My students love me...eventually. I hold each student to high standards, giving them the tools they need to succeed. At first, they struggle with it because they are not used to being held to such high standards to dealing with someone like me who treats them with respect and expects the best from each student at all times. I never took excuses from them or allowed them to feel sorry for themselves. I know that my students respected me and appreciated all that I did for them and even liked me because they still contact me.
I left Chicago in June of 2008 after my first two years of teaching at very challenging schools. On Sunday I got a phone call from a former student. Not just any student, but Dominique. The student who at Doolittle East was the thorn in my side and challenged me every single day. If a day went by where she didn't call me a fat bitch I knew something was dreadfully wrong in the world. Still, every day I said good morning to her and continued to challenge her, support her, and do my best to show her respect and show her that I cared for her. And I guess it worked.
Here's the kicker though, for some reason, administrators and other teachers tend not to like me. Why? Hell if I know! I still get random emails from my first students and even from my most recent students...yet, I can not keep a teaching job. My students succeed. My students are better off after having me as a teacher than before having me as a teacher. They are challenged, they are encouraged, they are inspired...yet, I don't have a teaching job.
So the question is, what do I do with that? Do I give up and find another career goal? Perhaps working in a university setting, perhaps doing administrative assistant work again? Do I keep pushing myself to find a school where I fit so that I can work within my passion or do I just give up?
At my most recent school, it all ended horribly. I was accused of things I didn't do, it felt like a witch hunt. There were teachers who, from day one, did not respect me or like me because I came from a different generation of teaching, with new ideas and a different communication style. Rather than showing me basic respect and getting to know me, they simply wanted me out so they came up with accusations after accusations to sabotage me. Mind you, these teachers were never in my classroom and did not care to know how my students were doing. They simply wanted me out, and that is what they got.
Right now, I don't know what to do. I am stuck. Lost. Confused. Unsure of what direction to take. I obviously need an income....but I crave a career, not just a job. What to do, what to do?
I left Chicago in June of 2008 after my first two years of teaching at very challenging schools. On Sunday I got a phone call from a former student. Not just any student, but Dominique. The student who at Doolittle East was the thorn in my side and challenged me every single day. If a day went by where she didn't call me a fat bitch I knew something was dreadfully wrong in the world. Still, every day I said good morning to her and continued to challenge her, support her, and do my best to show her respect and show her that I cared for her. And I guess it worked.
Here's the kicker though, for some reason, administrators and other teachers tend not to like me. Why? Hell if I know! I still get random emails from my first students and even from my most recent students...yet, I can not keep a teaching job. My students succeed. My students are better off after having me as a teacher than before having me as a teacher. They are challenged, they are encouraged, they are inspired...yet, I don't have a teaching job.
So the question is, what do I do with that? Do I give up and find another career goal? Perhaps working in a university setting, perhaps doing administrative assistant work again? Do I keep pushing myself to find a school where I fit so that I can work within my passion or do I just give up?
At my most recent school, it all ended horribly. I was accused of things I didn't do, it felt like a witch hunt. There were teachers who, from day one, did not respect me or like me because I came from a different generation of teaching, with new ideas and a different communication style. Rather than showing me basic respect and getting to know me, they simply wanted me out so they came up with accusations after accusations to sabotage me. Mind you, these teachers were never in my classroom and did not care to know how my students were doing. They simply wanted me out, and that is what they got.
Right now, I don't know what to do. I am stuck. Lost. Confused. Unsure of what direction to take. I obviously need an income....but I crave a career, not just a job. What to do, what to do?
Saturday, May 2, 2009
A Day at the Park
In the midst of all the drama in my life as of late, I was blessed to have a random day with kids I adore. Today my sister asked me to spend the afternoon with her two sons, Phoenix (5) and Kieran (1), she had to work the concession stand at her daughter Julia's soccer tournament. I said, sure why the heck not? Its not like I have a ton of other options in my life right now and part of why I moved back to Minneapolis was to be available for such a time as this. My other nephew, William (8) had spent the night at my mom's house so I asked his parents if I could have him to-I figure a 5 year old and an 8 year old are a good pair. It was all set.
Honestly, when I got up this morning, I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay under the covers and bemoan my currently pathetic existence...but something woke me up just in time to stop by Caribou to get my large iced americano with white chocolate and make it to little Z's first T ball game. Z is another nephew who is 4-almost five. I stood by the fence cheering the little Z man on in his first t ball game ever and just before he took a swing, I hear "HI KIKI!" Z took the time to say hello to me before he took the swing at the ball on the T. Sure, not a big deal in the grand scheme of ending the war, solving the economic crises or even finding myself a job, but it was a trancendent moment for me. No matter what happens in the world around me, no matter what happens at my job, no matter who flips me off in traffic, I have seven little people who will love me no matter what.
After the T-ball game-Z did very well but they don't keep score its just for building skills-Phoenix asked to ride back to grandma's house with me. Grandma's house is literally across Foley Boulevard and down half a block. He rode with me, again making me feel incredibly important and loved by a five year old. We got to grandma's house-my sister went to get little man (Kieran) while my other sister and I entertained the three young men with some baseball practice. I asked Z to stay while AJ went to Malcolm's (yet another nephew) baseball game. We decided on Taco Bell and Burger King for lunch. Mom was on the patio to make sure the boys didn't kill one another or get stolen so I figured I would head out to get the grub. On my way out, Phoenix yelled, "KIKI I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!" I said, "Phoenix, I am just going to get lunch and bring it back, its only going to be ten minutes, you can stay here and play." He refused, so I told him to get in the car. As we were heading towards my car, two other little boys, William and Z came to the car with sad little looks on their faces. I looked at them and said, "Ok, come on." And we all headed to the drive thrus.
My nephews chose to leave their playing outside in the haven that is grandma's backyard to ride ten minutes in a car with me to get lunch. That, my friends, is the love of a child. They simply want to be with you. Nothing major. They would have been happy having peanut butter and jelly on white bread but I didn't want to make anything. They simply wanted to be with me. That is powerful.
We got back, at our lunches and waited for Kieran. When Kieran arrived, we set out for the park with our suprise guest Kjarra (who just turned 13-my first neice). We played for three hours at the park. Three hours. With three little boys, a baby and a 13 year old girl. There were no fights. There was no asking for anything. There was the simple joy of enjoying a spring day at the park playing. We had sidewalk chalk. We had a slide. We had swings and a jungle gym-what more could you want?
Today I realized that life is not at all about what you do or what you accomplish, it truly is about the people you love and the people who you choose to invest in. All of my doubts about moving back here in Minneapolis vanished today. This is where I need to be-with my family and friends who have been there for me through everything. Life sucks at times, but people who love you don't care about you getting fired. They defend you against a sucky situation and support you-because they love you and see the best in you. I am grateful for the people I have in my life who have done just that for me. Some of them don't even know they do it because they are far too young to realize how their simple, innocent, love and devotion reaches the heart of their eternally devoted Auntie Kiki.
Honestly, when I got up this morning, I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay under the covers and bemoan my currently pathetic existence...but something woke me up just in time to stop by Caribou to get my large iced americano with white chocolate and make it to little Z's first T ball game. Z is another nephew who is 4-almost five. I stood by the fence cheering the little Z man on in his first t ball game ever and just before he took a swing, I hear "HI KIKI!" Z took the time to say hello to me before he took the swing at the ball on the T. Sure, not a big deal in the grand scheme of ending the war, solving the economic crises or even finding myself a job, but it was a trancendent moment for me. No matter what happens in the world around me, no matter what happens at my job, no matter who flips me off in traffic, I have seven little people who will love me no matter what.
After the T-ball game-Z did very well but they don't keep score its just for building skills-Phoenix asked to ride back to grandma's house with me. Grandma's house is literally across Foley Boulevard and down half a block. He rode with me, again making me feel incredibly important and loved by a five year old. We got to grandma's house-my sister went to get little man (Kieran) while my other sister and I entertained the three young men with some baseball practice. I asked Z to stay while AJ went to Malcolm's (yet another nephew) baseball game. We decided on Taco Bell and Burger King for lunch. Mom was on the patio to make sure the boys didn't kill one another or get stolen so I figured I would head out to get the grub. On my way out, Phoenix yelled, "KIKI I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!" I said, "Phoenix, I am just going to get lunch and bring it back, its only going to be ten minutes, you can stay here and play." He refused, so I told him to get in the car. As we were heading towards my car, two other little boys, William and Z came to the car with sad little looks on their faces. I looked at them and said, "Ok, come on." And we all headed to the drive thrus.
My nephews chose to leave their playing outside in the haven that is grandma's backyard to ride ten minutes in a car with me to get lunch. That, my friends, is the love of a child. They simply want to be with you. Nothing major. They would have been happy having peanut butter and jelly on white bread but I didn't want to make anything. They simply wanted to be with me. That is powerful.
We got back, at our lunches and waited for Kieran. When Kieran arrived, we set out for the park with our suprise guest Kjarra (who just turned 13-my first neice). We played for three hours at the park. Three hours. With three little boys, a baby and a 13 year old girl. There were no fights. There was no asking for anything. There was the simple joy of enjoying a spring day at the park playing. We had sidewalk chalk. We had a slide. We had swings and a jungle gym-what more could you want?
Today I realized that life is not at all about what you do or what you accomplish, it truly is about the people you love and the people who you choose to invest in. All of my doubts about moving back here in Minneapolis vanished today. This is where I need to be-with my family and friends who have been there for me through everything. Life sucks at times, but people who love you don't care about you getting fired. They defend you against a sucky situation and support you-because they love you and see the best in you. I am grateful for the people I have in my life who have done just that for me. Some of them don't even know they do it because they are far too young to realize how their simple, innocent, love and devotion reaches the heart of their eternally devoted Auntie Kiki.
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