Failure IS an Option

In July of 2008 a close friend and I started a tradition of meeting once a year to reflect on the year and to set goals for the upcoming year together so we could hold each other accountable and therefore, be more likely to reach our goals.  This year was our 6th accountability day.  Yes day.  We meet at Caribou and start out b reading the reflections and goals from the prior years and then write a reflection on the last year, then we set new goals and share them with each other.  There is true vulnerability and honesty between us so we allow plenty of time to discuss and share with one another.  Its been a profoundly interesting experience.  Each year, we have set some of the same basic goals-get financially stable, eat better, lose weight, etc, etc, etc.  At this point in time, she is at the highest weight she has been since we started meeting and I am still horrible with my finances and haven't set or stuck to a budget.  We have made progress in other areas though, in the goals that we set that were very specific.  For example, last year one of my goals was to host a holiday dinner/event for my family and I did, indeed succeed!  I even hosted TWO-Christmas Eve and Easter with success.  She had successes as well.  However, the two biggest goals showed up every year with little to no progress. 

Today as I was sharing my reflection, she looked over at my paper and noticed that next to each of last year's goals I wrote in all capital letters:  FAIL.  Of course, next to the one about hosting holiday dinners I put a check mark or smiley face or something.  When she noticed my FAIL note by each of the unmet goals, she looked at me with a sad face and said that wasn't very nice.  She was super encouraging and said, "you tried", etc, etc, etc.  I responded, "but that is what I did.  I FAILED.  I failed to meet my goals."

This brief exchange got me to thinking about how we address failure in our culture.  In schools, we adopted the No Child Left Behind law which has that goal of all kids meeting standards, no one failing.  Before my friend got to our meeting, I overheard a group of ladies complaining about how their kids are just passed on to the next grade or next class regardless of their academic progress or ability or learning because of the law.  As a teacher, I am all to familiar with this.  In kids' sports, every kid gets trophy for participation in sports.  The blessing of failure has been killed.

Blessing of failure?  Yes.  By failing you learn what you can and cannot do.  You learn what hard work really means.  You learn to re-evaluate your actions so that you can meet your goal, or you adjust your goal to meet your abilities and needs.  I fear we have become people addicted to mediocrity and every body wins philosophy in the name of encouragement and building self esteem.  But...but telling kids everyone is a winner and rewarding all abilities the same, aren't we, in fact, harming self esteem by creating unrealistic self images? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to degrade or insult kids or start emphasizing the losers in a situation.  But kids need to learn early on that failure is an option. They can be unsuccessful.  That is reality.  There will more than likely be someone better than them at something at some point in their life-which is good!  If they fail, and its handled correctly, its not a shameful, embarrassing, paralyzing experience.  Its empowering.   By not winning all their games, the kids learn the importance of practice.  By not passing a class, they learn the importance of homework or paying attention or not being on their friggen cell phones all day long instead of focusing on learning.  By not making the team, the learn that they are better at a different sport or-gasp-they are a musician instead of an athlete (and vice versa). 

We need to adjust our thinking about failure to see it as what it is: a part of life.  No one is perfect.  No one excels at everything.  By failing we learn.  We adjust.  Or at least we should...since no one is failing anymore, is anyone really succeeding?

The key word in the phrase is OPTION.  It's not inevitable.  You don't have to fail, but it is possible.  It is an option you can CHOOSE.  Failure isn't some obscure, random event that happens.  Its a consequence of actions.  Why did I fail to meet my goals?  Because I didn't do the work to achieve those goals.  Of course circumstances beyond our control can impede our progress.  I had an unplanned pregnancy and got laid off from jobs.  These events were unexpected and threw a wrench into my plans.  My friend's husband had a stroke and ended up losing his company and was unable to work causing financial ruin. That impeded her progress.  But, do these events release us from all responsibility?  No.

Being unemployed for the periods of time I was should have (and could have) been times of incredible growth and progress for me.  Being pregnant could have (and should have) been strong motivation to eat better, exercise and save money.  But they weren't.  I used them as excuses to fail.  And, people around me let me.  We are so afraid of being honest with people regarding life progress and meeting goals that we have become the failure killers.  And, by killing failure, we enable cycles of non growth and non progress.  Its time to realize and accept that failure is an option and face it in healthy, motivating, honest ways. 

This realization today helped us to address our goals in a different way. We are focusing on three words for this year:  Planning, Discipline and Choice.  These three actions are the key to success...more on this later...