co sleeping, cry it out, balance

After months (really I guess two years since that is how old my punkin is...twenty seven months and two days if you want to be exact) I've decided to let my son sleep with me.  Some folks call it co-sleeping, some people say its an aspect of 'attachment parenting'.  For me, it just works.  I don't know why, but at home, Caleb does not sleep through the night in his own bed or crib or hammock or nest.  At my sister's house, or my brother's house, or anywhere else it seems...he sleeps just fine all night long.  Granted in those situations he is usually close to another body of some sort-a cousin, an auntie, etc.  While he is not 'in bed' with them, they are in the same room and in somewhat close proximity.  If I put him to bed in his own bed, he generally begs me to lay down next to him after our bedtime routine.  I lay by him to pray, sing a song and count then I give kisses, say I love you and leave him to sleep.  Usually he will drift to sleep only to wake up crying every two to three hours.  I have let him 'cry it out' for as long as an hour.  During this time he gets more and more agitated and angry and I get stressed out, not only because my baby boy is freaking out but because I live in a townhouse with neighbors above me, behind me and next to me separated by thin walls.  They do not need to be woken up by my lonely, angry toddler when a solution is easy-let him sleep in my bed.  Arguments against co sleeping generally focus on the idea that kids need to learn to put themselves to sleep and to 'self soothe'.  Caleb does that just fine.  He falls asleep on his own-I don't go to bed when he does, even if he does sleep in my bed.  Folks also say that allowing Caleb to sleep with me will cause him to be clingy and have separation anxiety in all situations.  Caleb has only cried when I left him a handful of times  in his life and that wasn't about me at all-he wanted a toy that had to be left in the car when I dropped him off at daycare or he was angry about not being able to go to the store with me.  These meltdowns are about control not separation anxiety.  My Caleb is friendly and independent...not clingy.  I did some reading on the benefits of co-sleeping from various sources and have decided to give up the fight.  Should everyone do co sleeping?  No.  Every child and every parent and every family is different.  Parenting is not an endeavor that can be mapped out and controlled-it must be flexible.  What works for me and my Bubbaloo doesn't work for others, and as long as Caleb is healthy, happy, growing, kind, respectful, and learning to be a productive, independent, loving member of society, its all good.

sugar sugar

As I've been tracking my food intake on myfitnesspal.com, I've noticed something.  Sugar is hidden in things you think are healthy...yes, I know this has been common knowledge for a long time and the evils of sugar have been rampant in the news lately but I didn't really get it until I saw it with my own eyes.  This is a major reason why I like myfitnesspal better than weight watchers online point tracking system.  Weight Watchers points system only figures in calories, fat and fiber when determining how many points various foods are.  It does not consider protein, sugars or other nutrients, which, in my opinion is a dangerous game to play.  Sugar, if not used in the body, turns into fat and can have other negative effects.  With weight watchers, Yoplait Fat Free yogurt is just one or maybe two points which leads one to believe that it is a good food choice.  But, while one serving of Yoplait light only has one hundred calories and no fat, it has fourteen grams of sugar!  "So what?" you might ask, "there's no fat and low calories so its all good!"  Ahhh but its NOT!  Based on my current weight and my weight loss goals, myfitnesspal calculated how many calories I should have in a day to reach my goal.  They also calculate the amount of protein, saturated fat, sugar, fiber, and poly fat.  (FYI you can also choose to have them calculate and track cholesterol, sodium, carbs, vitamin a, vitamin c, iron, potassium, and/or calcium...which is HUGELY useful to ensure you are getting what you need and really fueling your body.)  So, my daily goal of calories is 1950 and my sugar goal is 60 grams.  100 calories is only about 1/20th of my calories so no biggie, right?  Wrong!  It is 14 grams of sugar which is nearly 1/4 of my sugar intake for the day.  Chobani Greek is just as high, if not higher.  I don't know why yogurt is so high in sugar, but it is.  You are much better off just eating fruit directly or even eating meat or cheese.  Another big culprit of sugar is cereal!  I had some Kashi Go Lean Cinnamon cereal today thinking "its Kashi, its gotta be good for me!"  But again, ten grams of sugar per serving and we all know no one really sticks to just one serving of cereal!  I had two servings with soy milk (5grams of sugar) which means after breakfast, I have just 14 grams of sugar left for the day!  Grrrrrrrrr......

To put it into perspective, Bisquick pancakes prepared have NO sugar!  Yesterday I made some and tossed in a banana and blueberries for flavor.  One pancake (with the fruit figured in) has about 115 calories and 5 or so grams of sugar with 3 grams of protein!  Of course, pancakes become instruments of the devil in terms of sugar when you douse them in syrup.  By adding fruit to the batter, there is no need for syrup!  They are yummy just as they are!  You can also just mash up some fruit and use it as a topping instead of putting it into the pancake.  And when it all comes down to it, which is more filling a pancake or yogurt?  Pancakes always win!

What's my point?  You gotta look at more than just carbs, calories and fat to see how what you eat is affecting your weight and health.  By paying attention to what is in the food you eat and how those nutrients affect your body you can truly take control of your eating, health and weight.

flying solo

The hardest part of being a single parent is not having back up.  I can handle the financial stress (thankfully Caleb's dad has never challenged child support and has been financially supportive since before Caleb was born).  I have lots of family and friends who adore Caleb and are more than willing to spend time with him when I need a break from the 24/7 stress of parenting a strong willed, independent, toddler.  I am within a mile and a half of my sisters and my mother so when I have meltdown, or Caleb gets a gash on his head, or Caleb has night terrors, or I need to know how much medication or what kind of medication to give a toddler for different ailments, or I wonder how to get him unconstipated as quickly as possible, I have access to help.  Facebook and the internet also provide a plethora of answers to those random questions that pop up while parenting a toddler.  So the challenge is not getting help and back up in those moments when I need it to be consistent.  The part that kills me is not having daily, minute to minute back up regarding consistent training of life skills...I am not, by nature, a consistent person.  I do not have a morning routine, I don't take the same route to work every day, I don't have an evening routine, I don't have a saturday routine, I don't have a cleaning routine or schedule, I don't have any sort of routine or schedule in my life really...so when it comes to imparting the ability to sleep his own bed, develop a healthy morning routine (eat breakfast, put dishes in the sink, brush teeth, etc) or be potty trained or successfully banish the binky or develop and bedtime routine (clean up, bath, jammies, brush teeth, story, prayers, sleepy time), or restricting him to only one blanket at a time (he has several comfort blankets )those small blankets with the animal head on them): a monkey, a lion, a froggy, a bunny, a cow, eeyore and a pooh bear.  I gathered the menagerie with the plan that we would always have a back up incase one was lost or in the wash, and we could have one at daycare, one in the diaper bag, one at grandma's house..etc.  Last night he slept with bunny, pooh bear, and eeyore.  The plan was for binky and blankies to stay in bed and not leave the bed during the day...but those big sad brown eyes win out..alas  But I digress...

In a two parent household, the parents balance each other and back each other up in situations.  If I suck at the potty training thing, my partner can pick up the slack and support me in training Caleb.  As a working single parent, life is overwhelming and busy so it becomes challenging just to keep up with regular household things and getting enough rest while striving to keep stress low.  When it comes to battles with my toddler over potty training, his binky, his blanket, his toys or other bad habits he has picked up I can only handle so many battles in a day knowing there are no reinforcements coming to keep the battle going while I take a break.  I know I need to.  I know consistency is one of the most important things a child needs...and he does have consistency where its important.  He is consistently adored, played with, cuddled and tickled.  He also knows what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  He knows that I mean what I say.  Where I drop the ball is being consistent with working with him on developing all those healthy, big boy habits he needs.  Here's hoping it will all work out and my kid won't be 15 in diapers with a binky, a frog, a bunny and a monkey attached to him 24/7...

Caleb's Coffee

Today while I was making dinner my two year old son was sitting on the stool in the dining room.  As I silently watched he opened the top of my Cusinart Kuerig coffee machine, reached into the drawer below (where I keep the k cups), grabbed a red tea k cup, put it into the machine correctly then closed the top and said happily "Im makin coffee for my super hero!".  Thank God he either couldn't reach or didn't know that he had to push the 'brew' button to make the steaming hot water pour out.  We would have had our second trip to urgent care!  He didn't put a cup in the fill spot...  I'm amazed at how quickly he picks stuff like that up!  At two he knows how to brew a K-cup!  Perhaps I should put him to work?

Facing Reality

Every July my friend Angela and I spend a day together setting goals for the following year and reflect on how the previous year went.  Its a powerful process.  It started in July of 2009 when we both got tired of complaining about the same issues in our lives every time we got together and never making progress.  We wrote letters to ourselves with goals and dreams for the next twelve months then hid those letters away with the promise to return in one year and read our letters together and see how we did.  The act of sharing openly and honestly your failures, your fears, your hopes and your dreams is incredibly freeing and powerful.  Its an act of facing reality.  This facing reality can not be done alone-when alone you can tweak reality to fit what you think it should be.  You can lie to yourself too easily.  Choose carefully a partner in the facing reality endeavor.  Angela and I have been friends for more than fifteen years.  We have a strong history of honesty, openness and a foundation of unyielding trust.  We have seen each other at our worst and at our best.  She was in the hospital room with me when I gave birth to my beloved son (along with my two sisters...my baby daddy was not there, I'm a single mother so the people I chose to be with me throughout the birthing process were beyond important).  I officiated her wedding.  Our friendship and yearly goal setting days are not things we take lightly.  As time has passed we have see each other go through incredible challenges and survive with grace, dignity and humor.  Yesterday we took the time to look over the last few years' worth of letters to ourselves.  Since this is the fourth year we have gathered to face reality, we were able to truly think about how far we have come in some areas and how far we still need to go with some struggles.  In the past we have done more dreaming in our time together than actual goal setting.  Because we only met once a year, it was easy to forget the dreams and fall back into the regular rut of habits.  This year, we decided to take things to a new level.  We simplified our goals and made them actual goals.  Yes, we wrote down some dreams and hopes for the next year but we went far beyond that my choosing to focus on one thing we both have struggled with for all four years of our meetings-health and weight.  We broke it down and decided that we are going to get together every six weeks to adjust and evaluate our progress on these goals.  Today is day one...and for me...it did not go so well.

The first goal we made is to develop and maintain a cardio exercise routine of 30 minutes per day five days a week.  To meet that goal, we broke it down into subgoals.  Subgoal A is to track our exercise on myfitnesspal.com-wtih that we can provide encouragement to each other and its a super easy (and free) way to track fitness goals online and support each other.  Secondly, we acknowledged that we need to adjust our daily schedules to make sure we are using time wisely and creating healthy habits so, we committed to getting up at the time same time every day and going to bed at the same time every night.  I need to get up before Caleb to give myself time to work out, make breakfast, shower and get ready for the day in calm and peace.  Being a high school teacher, that means getting up at 5:30am.  Whew.   Subtract eight hours to ensure enough sleep...and that means in bed by 9:30pm.  This is going to be a HUGE challenge for me who, by nature, is a night owl.  This morning did not go well....last night I did not get to bed until about midnight.  And I am working with my lovely boy on getting him to sleep in his own bed, so we had a midnight battle over where to sleep along with another battle around 2am.  this made mommy not get up until 7:30am...when lovely Caleb came in to ask for yogurt.

The second goal we made is to stay within www.myfitnesspal.com's calorie limits 5/7 days per week or  70% of the time.  When I saw Michelle Obama on The View (who's shapely, strong arms I envy) she was talking about her cookbook and the White House garden.  The ladies of The View asked her how she encourages her kids to eat well, and whether she ever indulges in treats like ice cream and birthday cake.  She said, if you eat well 80% of the time, you don't have to worry about indulging 20% of the time.  So thats where I got the numbers.  We are starting out with 70% with the goal of moving up slowly as our habits change.  I love the food tracking on myfitnesspal.com.  You put in your weight and height and your goal weight and it calculates how many calories you should eat every day to meet that goal.  The super nice thing is that it goes beyond just calories and also tracks fat, fiber, sugar, protein  and other nutrients of your choice.  By entering my daily food choices I can see what foods really are the empty calorie and fat foods that simply do nothing for me nutritionally and I can see what foods provide what I need.  I also added three subgoals for the eating part of our goal.  Subgoal A is to plan weekly meals every Sunday.  Sundays are usually pretty chill days in our world so I should be able to plan the meals for the week and do a grocery run as needed.  The planning day might switch...depending on how things go.  Subgoal B is to eat dinner at the table with Caleb at least five nights a week.  This was also a New Year's resolution for me.  We have developed the very bad habits of pulling out whatever is easiest from the fridge and kind of snacking all evening rather than creating a healthy meal and enjoying it together at the table.  The final subgoal is to eat breakfast first thing every morning-even if its just a cup of yogurt.  Gotta get the engines going with some good food right away.

This year is the year we will do it!  Our dreams have evolved into real goals with strong action plans and motivation to become the women we were created to be-energetic, happy, successful, active women.  I'm going to use this blog as a way to track my progress and thoughts....join me on the journey if you'd like.  :)

Full Circle

What we expect our lives to be rarely actually occurs.  While in college I became interested in social justice, sociology, community development and felt a distinct call to live in the inner city and 'do' community development following the lead of such pioneers as John Perkins, Wayne Gordon and his family, Glen Kehrein and his family, Tony Campolo, Bart Campolo and others.  I served as an urban neighbor along side a team of amazing young people for a year in North Lawndale, Chicago partnering with North Lawndale Community Church and the Christian Community Development Association via Mission Year.  This was a dream come true for a young white woman from the suburbs of Minneapolis hoping to begin a lifetime of intentional inner city community development.  During my time in North Lawndale, I saw first hand the complexity of life in the inner city due to lack of investment, lack of resources, and general abandonment by the powers that be.  Lawndale Community Church, Lawndale Christian Development Corporation, Lawndale Christian Health Center and the Christian Community Development Association are all located right in the center of the poverty stricken inner city community working to provide resources and positive change to the residents of the community.  These are long standing organizations who are models and experts in the field of faith based community development.  I learned incredible lessons and built lasting relationships during my time there.  I truly fell in love with the neighborbood, the people, the church and all of the amazing work however, once my one year commitment was completed, I returned to Minnesota.

I had the goal of always returning to Chicago and settling long term in North Lawndale to be a part of this incredible community transforming lives and the entire neighborhood by following the principles of intentional Christian community development-one of which is relocation.  This idea is based on the principle that Jesus left his home in heaven to relocate to earth to serve and save his beloved people.  Jesus chose to leave his easy life in heaven to relocate and restore the relationship between creation and God.  Christian community development calls on people to make the same choice-leave your comfortable community to invest in, serve and relocate to a community in need.  In the past, this idea of relocation has meant moving to the inner city or poverty stricken third world countries, which is what I thought it meant.

I believed wholeheartedly that this was my calling as well-to settle long term in an impoverished inner city community to teach and live and work and worship while intentionally building community.  For many reasons that I will not go into now, that simply did not work out.  Yes I lived in inner city Chicago and inner city Minneapolis for about ten years but nothing clicked.  I didn't find the place where I could connect, serve, invest and grow.  I was very disillusioned with the church as a whole, community development and what my true calling was.  At this point in time I was unemployed and found myself single and pregnant-the father of my child lived in Chicago while I was in Minneapolis.

Because of the circumstances of my life at the time of my pregnancy-being single and unemployed-I decided to move back to where I grew up-the northern suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota.  This was a heartbreaking decision for me but I knew I could not take care of myself and my child on my own in the city.  I needed my family close by.  I ended up moving into a townhouse 1.5 miles away from the home I grew up in where my parents still live, .5 miles away from my sister's family and about a mile away from my other sister's family.  I felt like this was a cop out.  I left the inner city to live in the burbs...

Here is what I have discovered.  There are people with desperate needs everywhere.  The townhouse complex I live in right now-in the suburbs-is more diverse racially, economically, culturally and age wise than any other place I have ever lived-including three different inner city neighborhoods in Chicago and four different inner city neighborhoods in Minneapolis.  My bi-racial son sees kids from Middle Eastern, African, Latino, African American and white families every day.  These kids play together in the playground outside my front door every day.  We hear different languages spoken.  We have single parent households, we have older retired women, we have families, we live among the working poor...

My life came full circle.  My heart for community development has not changed...the logistics of how exactly my life would look is what changed.  I did not need to relocate in terms of my place of origin, rather I had to relocate in terms of my hopes and dreams geographically.  The path our lives take is often surprisng and the places we find ourselves most content may be the last place we ever wanted to end up.

I left this community in 1994 and lived in 22 different places until 2010 when I returned.  Since 2010, I have not only been in the same zip code where I grew up but I have lived in the same townhouse 1.5 miles from my childhood home.  22 places in 16 years led me back to where I belong-home.  For 16 years I was looking for a place where I could live, work, worship and build community all in the same area...and 16 years later, I am back.  Hopefully for a long term investment.  I worship at a church based in this community with long term goals for investing in the area, I work at the high school, I have found my place where all the pieces fit together.  

Last week the world lost an incredibly kind man, Hervey McConkey.  I only encountered this joyful, kind, gentle, soul who was intensely devoted to Jesus, a handful of times during my adult life-he is the father of the husband of one my closest, oldest, dearest friends.  His loss was not unexpected.  Hervey was 83 years old and had been ill for a while however, this does not lessen the impact of the loss at all.  Hervey's death had more of an impact on me than I realized.  His loss has put the idea of legacy deep in my thoughts.  I have known Hervey's son Paige for fifteen years via my friendship with his wife Janet.  Throughout that time I have been intimately exposed to the character of Paige-his patience, his kindness, his true sense of deep caring for hurting people and especially youth, his intense devotion and love for his family and his overwhelming kindness inherited from his father, Hervey.  Hervey was a man who when he spoke to you, you felt like the most important person to him at that moment in time.  I imagine, this is similar to the impact Jesus had on people.  Hervey saw people-as they were yet in the best possible light-he saw and brought out the good and kindness in people.  Paige does the same thing-he inherited this quality from Hervey.  This is where legacy comes into play.  Did Hervey sit down and teach Paige to be kind, gentle, patient and joyful?  Did Hervey sit down and teach his son to truly see and care for people in intentional, relational ways?  I'm guessing no.  By simply being himself and seeking firs the Kingdom of God, Hervey passed on his legacy of kindness.  Throughout his life, Paige observed and experienced his father's kindness, devotion, loyalty, love and joy on a daily, minute to minute basis.  Paige, his siblings, his children, his wife, and his friends all saw how Hervey treated people and how Hervey lived his life.  Hervey did not preach powerful sermons.  He did not seek recognition.  He did not demand attention or focus.  But he oozed loving kindness through every ounce of his being.  Which is how is legacy becomes evident-through those people he interacted with the most and how those people, in turn, ooze loving kindness.  I see it in Paige.  I see it in Paige's son Jakob.  Hervey's legacy-which in turn is the legacy of Christ-is continuing to impact generations and will continue to impact future generations through Paige, Jakob and many, many others who knew and experiences Hervey's loving kindness.  Today is my 36th birthday.  With the passing of Hervey I began to think about my own legacy...and the legacy of my parents and grandparents.  By nature alone, I do not ooze the gentle loving kindness of Hervey-I'm a different person with a different legacy, which is good.  But I can still learn from his legacy and his life to strive to be kinder in my interactions with people.  I can also consider who I am, how I am wired and what my personality strengths are and mold those characteristics into my own legacy for my son.  In experiencing the passing of Hervey with his son Paige and his family, I have begun thinking about what my son sees in me on a daily, minute to minute basis.  What is the true, experiential, impacting legacy I am forming for my son every second of every day?  They say character is who you are when no body is looking...I think its more than that.  Character is the foundation for legacy which is who you are in the core of your being, the still quiet, routine moments of life and interaction.  Anyone can be anything for a minute...but that is not legacy or character.  Character comes from the consistency of your being-who you are in your core, laying the foundation for your legacy. 

Sharing Binkies

My son Caleb is going to be two in a week and a half and he loves his binky.  Pacifier, binky, nuk, whatever you want to call it, he loves his.  For a long time we had a great thing going for a long time where he would leave his binky in his crib when he got up in the morning but that went out the window when he started teething and he used his binky to sooth those nasty teeth by chewing on it.  Then I went back to work and changed daycare provers, so binky became more a staple.  His Auntie Aj started a game with Caleb called "chuck the binky" where she will unceremoniously yank the binky from between Caleb's unsuspecting little lips and proceed to 'chuck the binky' as far away from my little man as she can.  All the while Caleb is yelling "NO CHUCK BINKY!  NO CHUCK BINKY!" And as soon it lands, he runs over to retrieve it.  Yes, its a bizarre toddler form of fetch...but regardless Caleb will aways go to find his binky.  When you ask Caleb to share his binky with you, he will always say no.  Unless you are Max the dog.  My close friends the McConkey family have a lovely little dog named Max.  Max is a bashon poodle mix who is adored by his family.  The last time we visited the McConkey's home, Caleb did the unimaginable.  He shared his funky with Max!  This is a sign of complete love and devotion from my son.  Caleb has also attempted to share his precious binky with Jem, our 18 pound tabby cat.  Jem, unlike Max, refused the offer, but it speaks volumes about how Caleb feels about Jem.  To be perfectly honest, I am was a bit jealous of Max and Jem and the binky sharing.  I have asked Caleb to share his binky with me, but he has always refused.  I brought him into this world and care for him every day of his little life, yet he refuses to share the precious binky with me...sure a cat and a dog get the precious binky but mommy?  Nope.  Until today.  On Sunday mornings Caleb and I take it pretty easy.  He wakes up and toddles into my room to wake me up for breakfast.  This morning's breakfast wake up call was at 6:30am...so, as a dutiful mommy, I got up and gave him some breakfast then changed his diaper.  After that, we went back into my room for our Sunday morning cuddle time.  During this time Caleb laid next to me reading his book and playing, sucking on the all powerful binky.  After a while, he left.  I assumed to go get a different book.  My punkin toddled back into my room, climbed into bed with me and reached over to put a binky in my mouth.  My adorable son left our cuddlefest to go into his room and fine me, his mommy, a precious binky!  We spend the next few minutes facing each other, cuddling in bed, sucking on our matching blue soccer ball binkies.  Today is a day I will never forget.  My baby boy showed his love for me by bringing me a binky.  The simple joys and pleasures of motherhood.

leaving family to become a family

Currently it is becoming more and more common for folks to either not get married at all or get married much later than the traditional early 20's of our parents generation. I am one of such people-I'm 35 and never been married. Yes, I have been in one long term relationship, and a couple of shorter term relationships, but none that led to the creation of my own marriage and a new nuclear family. Being that I am 35 and single-yes I have a child but am not married-I still consider my nuclear family to be myself, my parents, my sisters (and their kids and my bro in law) and my brother (and his kids and my sister in law). And here comes the conundrum...how and when do I know its time to let that family shift to becoming extended family and form my own nuclear family? I'm pondering the question now because I have been seeing, off and on, someone whom I care about a great deal and could definitely build a life with, for about four years. The relationship itself has been a roller coaster twisty road but, somehow, life always leads us back to each other. This man is a traveling man and he is not from the Twin Cities. He has a passionate desire to travel the world and...possibly...return to his roots in Baltimore, Maryland. Our relationship progresses at a snail's pace because of geographical differences and strong wills. He is not certain that he will stay in Minneapolis long term-he's been here for a while (again off and on) but longs for Baltimore-not just for family but also for his business and long term goals. The sticking point for us has been my reluctance to give a clear, solid answer to the question..."would you be willing to move to Baltimore, or anywhere else in the world, if it was best for our family-assuming our relationship progresses that far and we choose to build a family together?" This is not a question I have ever been posed before. In all my adult life, I have made the choices of where to live, where to work, what to do with my life on my own, knowing that my 'family' was always in the Twin Cities. Honestly, I am torn. And this uncertainty could prove to be the final demise of what could potentially be the love of my life and the start of a whole new family. Of course, things could end up falling apart for other reasons and, he could decide that the Twin Cities are a place to set down roots. The point is though, even if we get married and stay here in the Twin Cities, the ultimate question is still the same: can I surrender the individual control of my life and my current family structure to build a new family where life decisions are made together, considering all the options and opportunities not just for me, but for my husband and our children as well? The man in my life does not expect me to commit to leaving Minnesota to be with him, he is asking the bigger question-can I surrender that independence to become codependent (in a healthy, mutually supportive, marriage and family sort of way)?

How do you know when its time to let go of yourself in order to blend lives with someone else? How do you let go of the stability and structure of a family system that has been your foundation for 35 years to build a new family? I need to trust myself and the foundation I have-that it is all strong enough to be with me wherever I go? Family is not tied to geography...or is it?

Jem the wondercat takes the short bus 11.12.08

Jem the wonder cat takes the short bus
Current mood: amused
Category: Pets and Animals

I know, can cats really be stupid? Well I think so. Here's why-oh and don't get me wrong, I love my Jem kitty dearly, he provides unconditional love and hours upon hours of entertainment. Over the last couple of weeks here are some things the ever intelligent feline has done that made me laugh out loud and talk excessively about my feline friends.

I have a framed print of Cafe Terrace At Night by Van Gogh hanging on my wall. The print is covered by a thin layer of plastic so it has some slight reflections in it if the lighting is just right. My TV sits under the print on a stand. My cat has started jumping on top of the TV and sitting facing the print staring into it for hours on end. He notices the kitty in the cafe (which there isn't, its his own reflection) and desperately wants to befriend that kitty. He wants to cross over into the world of Van Gogh and the kitty on the terrace under the moonlight, but alas, he cannot cross over into that world. He stares longingly at the cat and the picture, his tail flopping back and forth across my TV screen as he stalks his own reflection.

Then yesterday I decided to get a covered litter box for my lovely felines and Jem...well, got into the litter box but could not figure out how to move the flap to let himself out of the box...so he cried until I saved him...and quickly removed the flapping door so that he could use the bathroom in peace and not get stuck.

Love is...

Definitions of love have been streaming through my mind lately. For just over four years there is a man who jumps in and out of my life. Recently he returned to pursue a serious relationship with me. He tells me he loves me but he wants to be in love with me. He also says he wants to be with me and asks me hypothetical questions like..."if I had to move to Baltimore then to London, would you go with me?" These questions and declarations of love lead me to believe that he and I are in a relationship.

While pondering all these questions and feelings and interactions, I asked him a question. Honestly the question came to me because of facebook. I had updated my relationship status on facebook to say "in a relationship" and thought I should make sure that he and I were on the same page since that status was out there in cyberspace. I asked him how he would define our relationship. His deeply thoughtful answer was...."I dunno." I probed to get an answer. This simple discussion turned into a long, drawn out conversation that he labeled a fight. His initial response what that we are not in a relationship...which led me to ask additional questions and respond with a bit of anger and hurt. In my mind, if you are telling someone you love them and are asking them (hypothetically or not) to move to another country means you are in a relationship.

After days of circular discussions online-I tried to call him to talk things out several times but he didn't answer his phone and didn't call back.  Lesson learned, discussions about weather one is indeed in a relationship with another person or not are best had in person.  In the end, I realized we simply had very different definitions of the word relationship but regardless of semantics, we were actually on the same page in terms of where we were.

Since this conversation on Thursday-its now Sunday-he has refused to converse with me.  This behavior is not the behavior of someone who does actually love another person.  Hence, my ponderings on what love is.  During my ponderings the verses from 1 Corinthians 13 came to me...
   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. (The Message)

And I realized that whatever this man feels for me, it is not love.  It may be interest.  It may be passion.  It may be infatuation.  It may be a challenge.  It may be entertainment.  But it is not love.  When you love someone, you listen and give that person the benefit of the doubt rather than hearing combative arguments when none is intended.  You work to come to a place of understanding and you are willing to compromise in order to meet their needs.  In the entire time that I have known this man, he has never compromised.  Never apologized.  He always has a reason to walk away and be angry and blame me for any disagreements that occur between us.  This is not love.

People throw around the word love in relationships (or non relationships) without actually considering the true meaning of the word.  This man is one of those people.  Of course, I will not even bother to attempt to have this discussion with him because it would only end in a nasty fight where I would be wrong and he would be right and no true understanding would occur.

After all this, my current relationship status on facebook has again changed.  I am now in a domestic partnership with Jem, Scout and Sawyer-my three cats.  And it will stay that way until a man who truly understands what love is comes into my life.