the twilight zone

Since the day I found out I am pregnant, August 23rd, I have felt like I am living in the twilight zone. My life does not, in any way shape or form, feel like it belongs to me. I am 33 years old, single, unemployed, and pregnant but I do have my bachelor's degree and master's degree and years of experience teaching and working in administrative positions and customer service....yet, for the last four months I have sent out hundreds of resumes, applied to hundreds of jobs, religiously checked CareerBuilder.com, the Minnesota Council of Non-Profits job website, the Minneapolis Star Tribune website, Craigslist, the Minneapolis Public Schools job website, District 11s job website, and here I am....without a job yet expecting a child. Not a place I ever thought I would be. I grew up with all the dreams little girls have: go to college, fall in love, get a great job that lasts forever, get married, buy a house, THEN have kids.

Of course, as I got older and had various experiences those dreams shifted a bit and got a bit more specific. Urban teaching became the great job-"making a difference" blah blah blah. The dream house became either a condo in the city or an old Victorian or something in the city to slowly rehab and make my own-specifically with a turret. The marriage idea became more specific too when I fell in love...but it didn't exactly turn out the way I hoped either. After six years of a relationship that felt like it was going nowhere (not by my choice, but by his fear) I walked out on that dream.

Ironically enough, a year after I returned from Chicago and completely severing those ties to him, he came to visit me here in Minneapolis and yep, you guessed it-we got pregnant. Here's the real irony about the whole getting knocked up by my ex thing-a few months ago we were talking via yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't get you pregnant before you left." To which I responded, what the hell does that mean? He laughed it off and said he was kidding....but obviously there was something deeper there. He wanted me to have a reason to stay in Chicago with him, but he wasn't strong enough to give me that reason 16 months ago.

So, here I am living in an apartment in Minneapolis looking for a job, pregnant and on my own. What part of the dream have I achieved? None, which is why I feel like my life is not my own, why I feel like I live in the twilight zone where nothing is under my control, where I am outside myself watching this life happen to me rather than me being a part of creating it. Obviously my choices have led me to the place I am, but there are also forces at work beyond me that I am battling with and struggling to figure out. Why, after all the interviews that seemed to go so well, do I get the nicely worded rejection letter or email? I wish they would just be honest and laid it out there instead of being so trite: "you're great but we hired someone more qualified" should be "look, here are the reasons why we chose someone else, work on those so you get a friggen job."

The dream house or condo in the city has become two options now that I am pregnant: either move into my sister's basement which they would convert into an apartment for me out in Ham Lake, or work with my father to buy a mobile home out in Blaine or Coon Rapids. Not exactly what I always hoped for. I can keep my apartment in the city, by the park and coffee shops but honestly, it scares the hell out of me to be a single mom so far away from my family. If I had a partner in this, sure I would stay where I am. I have enough space, its centrally located, I'm by a park and in a neighborhood I adore. But, living here as a single mother poses all sorts of challenges. For instance, if I have to go run errands and don't want to take the little one with me, I will need to drive 20 miles to my family for a babysitter. If I chose to take little bit with me, there is the the challenge of unloading my car of whatever items I needed (most likely diapers) and safely transporting the baby into the house as well. See, the parking spot I have for my apartment is on the opposite end of the building from my apartment-so yeah, I could take the baby in, make sure she's as safe as can be, then run to the opposite end of the building to my car and get the loot. Its a daunting task. I honestly don't know how single mothers do it sometimes. Especially those with more than one small child.

Part of feeling like I am in the twilight zone too, is that my choices are no longer my own. Everything I do from what I choose to eat to how I arrange my apartment or where I choose to live are no longer about me. Now, with everything, I think about this child first, then later myself. Parenthood involves the complete letting go of yourself and your agenda and your dreams. Even though I am just ten weeks along, I already see this happening with me in big and little things. My priorities are shifting, my dreams are changing, my hopes are different. The dream Victorian house in the city as turned into a two bedroom mobile home with new appliances in Blaine. The dream job teaching at a great school with supportive administrators who give me freedom has become...well...anything that pays at least $15 an hour. The true love has become the hope that he will support our child regardless of his feelings for me. The dream car has been replaced by the hope that my current car doesn't fall apart and that the grinding sound on the brakes really isn't a big deal and that I can somehow find the funds to get the brakes and the fan that blows heat fixed before winter.

Priorities change. Dreams and hopes shift. I want to feel like my life is my own again, but I am not sure how to do that. I am working on letting go of the control I thought I had over my life and trying to trust that my Abba Father will provide and protect in ways I can't imagine now. Right now, I am praying for peace and health and continuing to apply for every job I think I might qualify for and continuing to get ready to be a mom.

Knocked up ordained minister and middle school teacher looking for work

While I have only known I am growing a baby inside of me for ten days, it feels like a lifetime. The second that second line on the stick started to show a faint pink blur my life was turned upside down. This is not what I had planned or what I wanted or what I hoped for but it will be good. I mean really, this year has not exactly set me up to be prepared for parenthood let alone single parenthood. I lost my job in April and have been actively seeking employment since then to no avail. Lots of interviews that I thought went well only to end with the kind rejection letter and lots of resumes and applications filled out for jobs I am either entirely under-qualified for or overqualified for. (sorry random interjection-why is under-qualified hypenated but overqualified is not?) And here I am, pregnant with the child of my ex significant other. The irony in my situation is not lost. First, I became an officially ordained minister at the end of last year to perform a close friend's marriage ceremony in January. I mean really, how many knocked-up ordained ministers do you know? Oh and the week before I found out about my bundle of joy, I started applying for seminary. Yes. Seminary. Church leadership. And now I am knocked up...ironic? Yes. The quiet sin of fornication is now visible to the outside world, which means of course, I would never be accepted into seminary. This of course, if a whole other tangent of issues I have with established religion which I will not delve into now.

So here I am, knocked up, ordained minister, with a master's degree in teaching, and an Illinois teaching license, not to mention my bachelor's degree in elective studies (don't ask) and ten years of customer service experience plus five years of administrative experience in non profit organizations and I can not find a job. Nor can I find direction. My neighbor asked me tonight, "Well, what do you WANT to do?" My response...."I don't know." All my life I wanted to be a teacher-middle school language arts in the city to be exact-and I did that for four years and was darn good at my job, although administrators tend not to like my independence or style, hence the current unemployment situation. My last three years in public education have left a very very bad taste in my mouth regarding teaching. The job itself I adore and admire immensely. Its the politics and cattyness that I can't stand. Each year that I taught, my students made the highest gains on the standardized tests, by a landslide. I moved 40% of my students to meeting or exceeding standards, for a total of 70% of my class meeting or exceeding standards on the state tests. Students email me and thank me for being their teacher. I know I am good at what I do, yet I can't get a job. So the question remains, what do I want to do? And the answer is still the same...I don't know. I have been applying for any job that I am remotely qualified for or interested in and my unemployment runs out in 11 short weeks. And, of course, eight months from now, I will be bringing a baby into this chaotic world. It would be nice to have a job by then to provide a level of stability for this life growing inside of me. I truly believe in God and believe that each child conceived is a gift from God and I want to honor this child and give it everything it deserves: love, security, food to grow, spiritual grounding, identity, confidence, etc. But ya know, a job would really help me get off on the right foot with all of that. Right now, seven weeks into the 40 week journey, I am petrified. My guest room is being transformed into a baby's room. I'm eating much much better than usual. A life is growing inside of me and I have no idea how I am going to provide for this little life. All I can do, is pray and keep applying for jobs and being available to opportunities as they present themselves and trust that all things do work for the good of those who love God. I have made my mistakes but I have never not loved God and tried my best to love people in my life.