Seriously? Is there something in the water?

Once again, I am minding my own business, leading my life, getting ready for my kiddo to join the world, not contacting anyone with a penis for any reason whatsoever and in the last two days-THREE EXES have contacted me. Of course, one is kind of expected-that would be baby daddy. But, for the last three months I haven't heard a word from him then all of a sudden over the past week, he's mister chatty cathy calling and texting on a regular basis, offering to buy baby furniture. Of course, nothing has materialized out of that yet. The second was Beautiful Dreadlock Man (BDM) who has since cut off his locks, which is beside the point. The reason for his contact? To propose marriage. Yes, he is fully aware that I am currently knocked up by The Ex and he offered to be my baby daddy, if I move to Baltimore to be with him. Mind you, I haven't seen the man in almost a year and when I informed him of my pregnancy, he went off on me and told me every evil thought a person could ever have about another person and everything I never wanted to know about myself-which he has done on more than one occasion. Of course, he apologized for that, a few times. During this conversation, he informed me that since we dated he compares everyone he meets to me and is 'addicted' to me. His words, not mine. Went on and on and on about how cute I am, how we have such great, deep conversations, blah blah blah. I informed him that I am not moving to Baltimore nor am I committing myself to marry a man I haven't seen in over a year after such a tumultuous time we did have together. The next offer from him was this-he wants to come to Minneapolis and stay with me for a few weeks to see if he can find a job, how we work out, then possibly move here so we can be one big happy family. I was like, yeah sure, knock yourself out. Its not going to happen because I strongly believe the idea came out of a drunken and pot fueled stupor. Since the offer was made, I have not heard from him. So much for a wedding in my future! Last, but not least, is the DJ. We dated off and on for a year, after lots and lots of drama ended things. He informed me during our relationship that he wasn't ready for anything serious and just didn't have time to devote to me. Yet, less than a month after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. Interesting how one finds the time all of a sudden? Tonight, he sent me a text. "How ya doin, K?" What the hell is that all about? I have made it perfectly clear that he and I are not friends and that I want nothing to do with him, so why does he feel the need to contact me? When he informed me of his new girlfriend, I informed him that he could take a flying leap off the edge of a short cliff with his insecure, lying ass and never contact me again. Yet, here he is. Along with the others....creeping back into my life. For what? Honestly, I don't get it.

The crazy thing is, this happens about every three months or so. You can read about it in past blogs. Perhaps I need to change my phone number. Every three months or so, all of my exes (the major exes anyway) contact me within a week of each other. I do not contact them. I don't even have their phone numbers (except baby daddy for obvious reasons). Yet, they keep mine and contact me at seemingly random intervals. Perhaps there is a cosmic link that needs to be explored. Maybe the stars align every three months and the fates send a message to all my exes to contact me and torment me.

Baby Daddy Drama Disintigrating?

After not hearing from the baby daddy since he dropped the bomb about his current relationship not being with me or our child for over a month, we spoke. I called him because I was angry and needed to vent to him and I was in the process of setting up doctors appointments and trying to figure things out that involved him. A few days after my voice mail message, he called back informing me that he lost his phone which is why he took so long to call back. Classic. During the course of our relationship there was hardly a week that went by when his phone wasn't lost, broken, not charged-because he lost the charger or otherwise not working. I jumped right into what I needed to say.

I proceeded to let him know that I am severely disappointed in his actions since I told him I was pregnant with our child and that I was angry at his lack of involvement. I explained that since I found out about the pregnancy, my life has been turned upside down. Every single day I think about this pregnancy. I pray for this baby. I prepare for this baby. My body is changing. I had to tell people about the baby. And he...well...he can choose not to be involved. He is 450 miles away and that is completely unfair.

He was quiet for a minute then, in a very humble voice said, "I'm sorry. I will try to do better."

We then delved into the topic of his relationship and why I was so angry the last time we talked. It seems, I misunderstood what he said about the woman in his life. He met her THIS summer and the relationship has since been progressing. To attempt to get an idea of what the hell progressing means, I asked, "on a scale of 1-10, how serious is this relationship." His response: "5." Then I asked, "do you love her." He got quiet for a minute or so then said, "I like her but no, I do not love her." This was considerably more information than I got from our previous conversation when my questions and astonishment were met with, "its none of your business."

I also asked how involved he wanted to be in this pregnancy and child's life. He seemed genuinely offended by this question. I explained that since he had not called me to see how I or the baby are, had not responded to my emailed ultra sound photos or questions about baby names or nursery themes, did not return my calls, that it seemed pretty clear that his intentions were to not be involved. My statements were again met by a silence, then an apology and a promise to do better.

We then had a cordial conversation and that was that. I had no expectations of anything but sent him the next set of ultrasound pictures and updated doctor appointment dates. And tonight, I got a phone call. Baby daddy says he is going to come to visit sometime in the next month and he would like to buy a dresser/changing table for the baby's room that I found on craigslist. From there, we had a good conversation about how I am doing, what I need and just general life stuff.

Of course, right now, this is all still just talk from him. But, perhaps, he really is choosing to step up and be involved. Perhaps I will have some support from him sooner than I expected.

Pride vs Personal Responsiblity

I was raised in a family built on the protestant work ethic in the personal responsibility focused, independence loving, United States of America with the age old republican values of personal responsibility-you take care of yourself and your family. My father worked long hours to do just that-take care of his family. I do not know of any time he asked for help from his parents or any other people-financially or otherwise. He may have, but if he did, I am sure he paid back every dime ever borrowed with interest. That is just the kind of man he is. He will do whatever it takes to provide, on his own, to the best of his ability, for his family and church. My father has religiously tithed more than 10% and also invested in other people and causes that he finds important-helping out his children, and various other worthy causes. This sense of personal responsibility is a value that can lead to a deep sense of pride, and you know what they say, "pride goes before a fall." So here is my question, what is the difference between pride and personal responsibility and how do we balance the two in light of a spiritual calling to 'love one another as Christ loved the Church"? And, how to we provide support to our family and neighbors in need without creating and rewarding irresponsibility and dependency?

I have requested and received far more than my fair share of financial support from my parents over the years-some of the need is due to situations beyond my control but some of the need is also due to consistent bad choices regarding money and simply not thinking ahead. My intentions are good. When I ask for assistance from my parents, I fully intend to pay them back. Unfortunately, that has yet to begin to happen and it makes me very, very sad and makes me feel like a failure or a disappointment to my father. Are these feelings based on pride-me thinking I should be further along in life at this point? Me being humiliated that I can't find a job and have struggled to fit into the education world? Or are they my sense of personal responsibility pushing me to step up and be responsible and take care of myself as I should?

Personal responsibility involves taking care of yourself-paying your bills, buying your food, contributing to society by working, and making sacrifices to choose to live within the means you earn. But what happens when circumstances after circumstances keep pushing you further and further behind until you are drowning and desperate? That is when pride can lead to destruction and chaos that may never be overcome. Pride is refusing to ask for help or support from people who love you and want whats best for you because you are convinced you have to do it on your own.

Receiving support from friends and family should encourage and inspire a person in need to keep pushing forward and to pay it forward-meaning when you get on your feet, you treat others the way you have been treated. This support should also lead to a sense of humility and transformation as well as a desire to show appreciation and respect for what you have and those who have helped you to become who you are-and who God is leading you to become.

This is a precarious balance I strive to maintain but often feel myself falling short and I am not sure why. Since I was fired from my job in April, I have applied for thousands of jobs. My routine is to check the Minneapolis Public Schools job board, the District 11 job board, The Minnesota Council of Non-Profits job board, Monster.com, careerbuilder.com, craigslist then The Minneapolis Star Tribune. When I go to these sites, I apply for any job that I think I might remotely qualify for. I have various versions of my resume and cover letter designed to target different types of jobs. And....nothing. I get great rejection calls and letters saying how I was so close to what they wanted but there were just one or two more qualified candidates. My desire is to teach so I did the research and applied to a program at Hamline University to take the courses needed to meet the requirements that I need to teach 5th-12th grade Language Arts in Minnesota. I posted ads to sell things I own that I don't really need. I took a load of books and dvds to Half Price Books to attempt to get some funding. I humbled myself to the point that I listed my prized possession-my carefully collected classroom library-on craigslist to sell. I am doing everything I can to get on my feet and take care of myself. I don't know what else I can do. I am entering my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and have not purchased any maternity clothes yet. I haven't gotten the heater fan fixed in my car yet or the caliper replaced yet....and its snowing here in MN already.

What does a person who longs to be personally responsible and able to provide for others and bless those in her life whom she cares deeply for, do when she simply can't get ahead?

pre-natal depression

Funny thing about getting knocked up by an ex completely unexpectedly is that the emotional roller coaster is unexplainable and leaves one feeling...well...not exactly motherly. Over the last two weeks I have lost the excitement and joy that pending motherhood should bring. The loss of that joy has brought on feelings of guilt. What kind of person becomes depressed when they are in the process of creating a new life? A person who is terrified and alone, that's who. And the hard part is, I don't feel like I am allowed to talk about these feelings without judgment. For example, last night I went to a friend's restaurant to see another friend perform her music. I had not seen these friends since before I became pregnant and, to complicate the situation, I used to be their youth leader at church. Talk about a fall from grace...but that is another story. "Are you excited?" was a question I have been asked often over the last 11 weeks when people hear I am pregnant. My response has always been, "yes, of course! Its great!" But last night, I just couldn't lie. When asked that question, I responded, "Honestly? No, I am not excited, I am terrified." The topic of conversation was quickly changed due to the awkwardness felt by all. Oh well.

Pregnancy is meant to be a journey shared by two people who join together to create a life out of their shared love and is usually a joyful, expectant, exciting time. Unfortunately, the pregnancy journey of a single mother is bittersweet, especially if that single mother, like myself, happens to be unemployed and the baby daddy is 450 miles away developing a new relationship with another woman, blissfully uninvolved in the tensions the mother is facing every day.

As time passes and the pregnancy continues, the pressure and changes continue to mount. My clothes are starting to get snug, my bras don't exactly fit right anymore and I know this is just the beginning of a very long journey. I don't have money to buy maternity clothes just yet, so I am hoping to be able to squeeze into my regular clothes a while longer. To add to the depression, last year I joined a gym and started working out to lose weight. It went well, I lost 40 pounds. My clothes became loose. That bought me some time because slowly over the last month, those clothes have begun to fit again but now are becoming snug. Its like all that work I did to lose weight was meaningless. I no longer have control over my own body.

My entire life has changed because of this pregnancy and I am not completely overjoyed about those changes. This is not to say that I am not happy I am going to have a child. I am happy, but I also have a million other negative emotions running around inside me as well. Fear is one. How am I going to be able to provide for this child? How am I going to be able to prepare for this child? I also feel a sense of loss too. Loss of my freedom and the life I had, and the dreams I had. Shortly before I became pregnant I had come to terms with the idea of never having children. I decided I would be content as an aunt to the many, many children in life, helping their parents in whatever way I could and developing relationships with those children I care so deeply about. I have never felt a strong desire to procreate or bear children but here I am, pregnant. Ironic, eh?

I know that this child is a blessing and I know, deep in my heart that things will be okay for us and that God will work things out in amazing ways. Right now, I have no idea how that will happen and it causes fear and depression to take over my heart sometimes.

Dreams....which to focus on?

Recently I was depressed and felt very very lost in life so I did what I always do when I feel that way-headed to the bookstore. Literature and books speak to me. I am a book person and don't suggest the library, its a waste of time. I must own books....but I digress. My bookstore jaunts generally follow a routine. First I check out the tables of novels that are on sale from there I wander through the self help section to see if any titles seem to address my current ailment, then a quick walk through the teen/young adults lit-I must keep current for my teaching career-and generally settle in the relgious section. I look through the Christian Fiction to see if anything peaks my interest. Generally speaking Christian Fiction is too fluffy and cheesy for my cynical, jaded experience but I have a few favorite authors and once in a while come across a hidden treasure. After the Christian Fiction, I head to Spirituality and Religion, again looking for titles that may speak to my current empty, lost feeling or to see if there is anything new from any of my time honored favorite spiritual leaders. And there it was. A new book from one of my time honored favorite Christian authors and speakers, Erwin McManus. I have all of his books and have heard him speak several times. Erwin has a way of telling truth and inspiring genuine growth and action that few Christian leaders have. He is brutally honest and very real in what he writes. There is no Christian-lite here, which is why I love him. His works inspire action, rather require action. You really can't walk away from a book of his without moving forward in some aspect of your life.

The book is called WIDE AWAKE and is about living life wide awake and choosing to follow your God given dreams. The key to much of McManus' writing is the word 'choice' which is something else I love-responsibility and empowerment balanced with trusting God. The book called to me and I bought it. The other thing about these books, one can not devour them. They are simply deep and challenge the reader spiritually, intellecutally, and to reflect on your life. So, I've been working through the book about half a chapter a night and I am almost finished, at which time, I will read it again because its that good.

WIDE AWAKE reminded me of my dreams. Not cheesy dreams you have at night, but those dreams that fuel your passion and your life. Dreams that become your calling and inspire you. McManus asks us to rediscover those God given dreams and passions that inspire us, precisely because they are God given. As children of God, we are created for a purpose and should be living our lives wide awake and vibrantly pursuing those passionate dreams that excite us. We should be waking up excited for what the day holds not sadly dreading the trek to a job we simply endure for the sake of a paycheck.

I have experienced both sides of that coin. For more than ten years, I worked simply to work. I did not look forward to going to work. It was a job, not a calling nor a career. And this was in various jobs-customer service, office management, social services, etc. I was good at my jobs but it was just that, a job. A means to an end. A paycheck. Then, I did the work, made the sacrifices I needed to make, and pursued my dream of urban teaching.

My first year of teaching at Marconi Community Academy on the westside of Chicago was the first time in my life that I ever felt like work was not work. I literally could not believe that I was getting paid to teach. I was contacted to work seven hours a day but generally worked at least 12 hours. A co-worker and I were the first people to school in the morning and the last to leave at night. I was challenged. I was inspired. It was not easy by any means. That first year was by far the hardest year of work I have ever done but it did not feel like work. I was in the place God created me to be, pursuing my dreams in line with His created purpose for me. Things did not go smoothly and I transitioned to another school, then another school and things again did not end well so I left teaching.

Since I left teaching, I have been very disillusioned because teaching seemed to be so clearly what I was called to do. I didn't leave teaching of my own accord, I was fired due to lots of messes that you can read about in previous posts. Due to all of this, I was lost. WIDE AWAKE is helping me to refocus and trust God with those dreams again and I am looking into various things.

Part of why I have this hiatus from teaching is because I need to get my Minnesota teaching license in order. Illinois has very different requirements for teaching middle school-which I met but they did not transfer to Minnesota. So, I couldn't take a job that was offered to me to teach middle school reading because my license wasn't right. This, of course, added to my disillusionment with teaching and the education system and its hoops. I began looking for jobs in all fields I had experience in and did not pursue anything related to teaching or related to getting my license in order. In the process of reading WIDE AWAKE, I got refocused and applied to a program to take the classes I need to get my 5-12th grade Language Arts license, met with the program coordinator and make a plan to get things in order. Hopefully I will start classes this winter.

While looking into this education program I came across another program that ignites my passion-a Masters of Fine Arts in Writing. I love writing and have always dreamt of becoming a published writer. This program walks you through the process of making that happen and gives you the experience and education needed to teach college level writing courses. The truly amazing part of the program is the last two semesters. During the last two semesters, I would work with advisors and experienced writers and editors to write a book. Literally, to write a book with the support of a team of people to lead to publishing. So, now I am in a conundrum...which dream do I pursue?

Both teaching and writing have been life long dreams of mine. The teaching license program will take about two years, the writing program-I'm not sure. I love education. I love going to classes but the financial investment is crazy-I already owe more than I should in student loans because of my Master's degree and the roundabout route I took to complete my undergraduate degree. Would the investment be worth it? What would be the best investment of my time and money-especially now that I have the little one to think about.

To become a published writer and a Language Arts teacher-is it overly ambitious to pursue both dreams? Is it asking too much to think that God is calling me to both?

Baby Daddy Drama

Funny how you always here about baby momma drama....well I have heard a great deal of baby daddy drama from a close friend over the last couple of years and now am experiencing my own. The first week of August, my ex wanted to come visit me here in Minneapolis. I had just ended a casual relationship with someone here and was in the process of moving, so I agreed to his visit. We hadn't seen each other since I put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship by leaving Chicago and returning to Minneapolis on June 13, 2008. Oh wait, I forgot, he came to visit me in August of 2008 to bring me stuff that he thought I needed from Chicago. So, it had been about a year since we saw each other. We emailed and spoke once in a while just to catch up be friendly. The contact was initiated by him as were both August visits. I had moved on and closed that door. While he was here in August 09, he helped me move into my new place, helped me paint my new place, visited my family, hung out with my friends and acted like he did when we were together. During that week, we slept together-again at his initiation. While he was here I attempted to have conversations about why he came, what he was looking for, what the purpose was, etc. These conversations never went anywhere. My ex is skilled at blatant avoidance. I ask a direct question like, "Why did you come to visit me?" And he responds with a blank stare and silence. For ten minutes. We had our last stalemate the night he left, literally a few hours before I dropped him off at the bus station. I asked where we go from here, what this means, what he wants, etc. Again...blank stares and silence. Not that I was surprised, this had happened throughout our entire relationship which was the main reason I ended it.

He got on the bus and went home to Chicago and I went on with my life here. Honestly, when he was here I had no real feelings for him anymore. The spark, the interest, the romantic side of our relationship was dead. I was relieved that the feelings were in the past because before he came, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was with him for five years and thought he would be the man I was going to marry and be with forever-so it was healing to have the closure. I moved on, not contacting him again and knowing that the relationship had run its course and was over. No hard feelings, no anger, no drama, just done. I had forgiven him for the hurts from before and simply moved forward with my life. Then, I didn't get my period.

About three weeks after his visit, I realized my period was late so I took a pregnancy test that was positive, then immediately went to the Target clinic to get verification of the results and called him. And called him. And called him. And texted him. See, the man is notorious for not answering his phone, letting his phone battery die, losing his phone and not checking his voicemail. So, in my experience, the best way to get in touch with him was to keep calling every couple of hours or so. I finally got in touch with him a day or so after the positive confirmation and told him I was pregnant and it was his. He was shocked and I gave him time to let it sink in. The funny thing is, earlier this year he an I were talking on Yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't knock you up before you moved," in a veiled way of saying, I wish you stayed.

He was supportive, acted excited. Talked about baby names with me. Then he drove a 14 hour round trip at the last minute to spend Labor Day with me so we could talk. He was literally here for eight, maybe ten hours. During that time he said he was thinking about moving to Minnesota. Again, he acted very much like we were together. He went to a family BBQ with me, hugged my nephews, chatted with my sisters and mom, broke bread with us. Again, I tried to ask direct questions to figure out what was going on, he played the avoidance game. After that visit, we kept in contact on a fairly regular basis having conversations I am sure most expecting parents have. Here is where the drama comes in.

I called him a couple of weeks ago just to talk about stuff-give him the dates of my doctor appointments, tell him about the doctor appointments I had, general stuff. He dropped a bomb. Out of nowhere he informs me that he has been seeing someone for a year and its now 'getting serious.' Huh?!? This was new to me. No time while he was with me for a week in August, or Labor Day, or any time in the conversations we had before, had he mentioned a serious relationship. Yes, he and I had both dated other people-I was very honest with him about that. He knew the names of guys I had seen and the status of those relationships throughout the entire last year and before he came to visit in August. He mentioned that he was dating various people but insisted it was nothing serious, yet two weeks after coming to see me on Labor Day and telling me that he is thinking about moving to Minneapolis, he informs me he is in a 'serious' relationship. What the hell?!?

I lost it. I asked him some questions like, "does she know where you were the first week of August?" and "is she aware that you drove here on Labor Day to see me?" and "are you going to inform her that I am pregnant?" and "are you going to continue to see her?" Of course, there was no answer to these questions other than, "its none of your business." Alrighty then.

The baby daddy drama comes from his deceit. Had he told me he was seeing someone, even casually, I would not have allowed him into my home or my bed in August. When I found out I was pregnant with his child, I would not have allowed myself to open the emotional connections that I had closed before. But rather than being open and honest with me, he chose to deceive. The crazy thing is, this was the course of our entire relationship. Throughout the five years we were together, I know of three times he lied at me point blank about relationships with other women, and cheated on me at least four times. Of course, I found out about these situations on my own and when he was questioned directly, he avoided the questions. I just did not expect to be played by him again. I had moved on. I had closed that door, then the baby comes along and I have to open the connection again. Its very confusing for me right now. So, I closed the door on any level of relationship between he and I for now. I told him clearly not to contact me unless he had a specific question about the pregnancy or our child. Hopefully over the next few months, I will work through my anger and hurt and be able to figure out a way to develop a co-parenting relationship with him that will not be destructive to our child. He is a great father but incredibly immature when it comes to relationships and completely incapable of honesty.