rules of celibacy..

So this whole celibacy thing is harder than I thought. Not that men are begging to be with me or anything like that...I'm just pondering the question what are my rules for this time? Can I go on a date should the opportunity arise? Is flirting ok? What about communicating with exes? What about daydreaming? What about gettin my groove on on my own, if ya know what I mean? I'm all full of the "what ifs" right now. One of the books I picked up on the dating/celibacy issue is called "Every Woman's Battle". For the most part, Christan self help books generally irritate me with their oversimplification and overspiritualization of issues...this one, however, has given me pause for thought. Essentially, the author suggests avoiding any thoughts that could potentially be impure or lead down the slippery slope of lust, fornication and whatnot. She is also all about Gods will, anti Homosexuality and oozes conservativeness in general. My issue here is that I'm not completely convinced that sex outside of marriage is always completely sinful or completely against Gods will (which in and of itself is a whole other can o worms). I've done a great deal of reading and pondering on the whole fornication issue and...I just don't know what the rules are. I get frusurated with the idea that the rules are the same for everyone all the time when clearly we all have different issues, pasts, callings, desires, experiences, etc. Anyhoo, I'm pondering the spiritual implications of sexual as well as emotional intimacy and hoping the Divine one will continue to lead me to a place of reflection and peace within my restless curious soul

DOH!

Yeah so all the blank postings were a result of trying to copy n paste blogs from myspace to blogger. Yeah it didn't go so well...hence the deletion of the misleading, though highly enticing, titles. Ill try to transfer them soon. SORRY

How it all began...

Recently I realized that I have been in some sort of a relationship pretty much non stop for the last six or seven years.  There have been men in and out of my life and sadly yes, in and out of my bed and heart as well.  After the most recent dating fiasco-which I will share in more detail later-I have decided to take six months off.  No dating.  No men in my life.  Sounds like an easy thing, eh? Not so much.  The truly wacky thing is that before....oh....lets say Y2K just to make it easy...I didn't date.  Sure, I had a random date every now and again, but nothing serious and I was happy.  I was content.  Of course I had the hopes and dreams of romance and love and passion but I wasn't out looking for it or centering my life around the desire for physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy.  I was living my life, spending time with friends, going to school, working....then BOOM...the dating waterfall began and here I am eight years later still single and truly no better off.

As I look back over the last eight years of my life, I see a turning point.  Of course that turning point was a man who entered my life.  It may be hard to believe, but I was not sexually active until I was 26 years old.  Yeah yeah yeah, I was old.  But I was happy.  I was raised in a church going Christian home.  I was raised to wait til marriage.  I went to a private Christian college.  I attended youth group and church regularly where I was assured that waiting for marriage to have sex was the way God intended things to be and...well...I didn't have many offers.  Like I said before, I was into other things.  Church.  School.  Friends.  My circle of friends and my sphere of life centered around church.  I never did the bar scene.  I never did the party scene.  I met people online and went from there.  And I was shy.  And I had low self esteem due to the lack of dating experience.  Oh add to that the fact that I was living in a new town and figuring things out....then there was Dave.

Dave and I met online via yahoo.  We chatted he told me all the things I wanted to hear-I was sexy, he wanted me...blah blah blah.  Its hard to believe, but I was a naive 26 year old who bought it hook, line and sinker.  Long story short, he came over a couple of times to watch a movie and what not.  We made out, kissed, etc.  Then one morning-he worked crazy hours-so he would come by for breakfast sometimes.  We were making out and all of a sudden he was moving into territory I wasn't ready for or familiar with and before I knew it he was on top of me and inside me.  I asked him to stop several times before it got to that point, but he was smooth and he thought I was experienced and I was paralyzed.  It was a bizarre feeling, almost an out of body experience.  It happened so fast that I honestly didn't know what was going on.  I had never been close to having sex before so I was caught off guard and then he got up, put his clothes on and off I went to work.  The whole day I was rather stunned, not really knowing what had happened in the predawn glimmer of my apartment.  I alternated feeling sick and ashamed and confused so, rather than dealing with the reality that I had just been raped, I took responsibility.  I said it was my choice.  I said it was my fault.  I led him on, I let him into my house, I didn't fight, it wasn't violent so it couldn't be rape.  The truth is, that is exactly what it was.  It was rape.  I said stop.  I said no.  He continued with his agenda.  It was rape by manipulation not force but rape none the less.  I didn't know what to do.

In my mind, I was too strong to have been able to be manipulated like that.  I couldn't admit the truth of what had happened so I stuffed it inside and decided, well, lets join the game!  The next six to nine months of my life were the darkest time of my life to date.  I led a double life which will start tomorrow's blog.