Why doing my taxes is horribly depressing

Each year when I sit down to do my taxes in January I get crazy depressed and want to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life.  I get overwhelmed with humiliation, self-loathing, insatiable guilt, and a deep sense of loss.  I don't live within a budget.  I suck at sticking to limits of any kind.  I don't think long term financially.  I'm impulsive.  I get sucked into the pressure of American marketing to buy buy buy whether you need something or not.  (Need is a complex word by the way.  Our culture and media fill us with a false definition of need each and every day, but that is a topic for another blog post.)  So, when I sit down to do my taxes I am forced to confront my wanton wastefulness and consumerism.  I see it, in black and white.  The exact amount of money that I earned.  Right there.  In print.  I can't deny it.  I can't pretend it's not correct.  In reality too, it doesn't even show all the money I have access to because I also get child support each month.  And, even with the income and the child support, I find myself always broke.  Why?  Where did that money go?  It's ridiculous.  Humiliating.

I look at those numbers and I am ashamed.  Ashamed because after 12 months of working, I have nothing to show for those earnings.  Sure we have lots of "stuff" in our home.  My son has more toys, games and books than most preschools have in their entire facility.  Our cupboards are full of food.  Our freezer is packed.  I have a car. We have two tvs, an x box, a blue ray/DVD player, movies and video games.  We have two iPads, a laptop and an iPod.  Granted, our electronics are older and certainly not top of the line.  Caleb and I both have closets full of clothing-some we rarely wear.  We have more than enough stuff to live our lives well.

The money I earned could have done so much.  I could have invested more in people and organizations that I care about.  I could have fed people.  Clothed people.  Housed people.  I could have supported people I know in ministries around the world.  I could have given extravagant, lovely, random gifts to people I love.  I could have travelled to see people I don't see often enough.  I could have taken my parents on a vacation.  I could have paid off my house or car.  I could have invested in Caleb's future by putting money away for him.  I could have taken care of all the little projects around my house.

Over the last few years, I have been on a journey of simplification and minimalization.  Over the summer, I gave away a huge amount of stuff and it was just a drop in the bucket.  The journey is going to continue and become more radical.   I am humbled.  I am inspired.  I am overwhelmed.  I'm not exactly sure where to go from here...but there are going to be changes.  What those changes are, I don't know yet.  But I am praying.  I am thinking.  I am changing my focus and my mindset.  I am working through developing systems of financial responsibility that will keep me accountable.

I'm considering a buy nothing year.  It's pretty radical, I know.  But, honestly, other than groceries and other consumables, there is nothing we need.  And, being that I am not employed, now is a good time to change these negative, wasteful habits because I have to.  Of course, there are certain things I will need to purchase but the rule needs to be I can't buy something unless it's consumable and completely out.  For example, facial lotion and cleanser.  That's stuff that gets used up and needs to be resupplied... cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.  You get the idea.

The buy nothing year is about battling random, impulse purchases that are fueled not by need but by consumerism and the belief that things will make me happy or happier.  I need to be intentional and thoughtful and purposeful with my spending.  It's not just about the money either.  It's a spiritual thing.

The Bible and Jesus are clear about the financial responsibility expected of Christians.  To whom much is given, much is expected.  Tithing.  Taking care of the community.  Generosity.  Living simply.  These are the values I want my life to reflect.  

Alignment...

Today I made a decision that many people will not understand and few will agree with.   I decided to enroll my son in the school that I work at-an under performing, 95% poverty, Minneapolis Public School.  I don't live in Minneapolis-I live in the 'burbs for reasons I will explain later.  My son could attend kindergarten at the school just down the street.  A high performing, low poverty, mostly white upper middle class school.  But here's the thing...I am passionate about social justice and educational inequality.  I am passionate about racial reconciliation and de-segregation.  These are core values I care about.  I have for years...since I saw the inequity of school quality growing up between the suburban school I went to and the inner city school my cousins went to...since I studied community development in college...since I experienced inner city work and ministry during MissionYear.   Since college my hearts desire has been to establish a life where I live, work, and worship all in the same community-preferably a diverse community that I can invest in and help to challenge the powers that be-segregation, inequity, etc.  I realized during our first staff meeting of the new school year today, that I need to adjust my dream a bit.

Last year was an exceptionally challenging year at my school.  I didn't want to go back-I was scared of all the changes happening, I wasn't sure how everything fit together.  However, God made it abundantly clear through numerous rejections from suburban school jobs, that I am where exactly where I need to be for reasons far above my own.  During our staff meeting this morning, we went over the testing data for our school for the last three years.  The scores have been in a steady, major decline each year with the results plummeting last year.  It was a somber moment to say the least.  However, after looking at that data the administration team asked us to think about it and respond.

The group of 130 teachers and staff was quiet for a few minutes.  Then, teachers got up and shared their belief that our role as teachers at our school is a social justice, equity issue.  Teachers shared that they have chosen to be at the school precisely to invest in the lives and the future of these kids...of this neighborhood...of this COMMUNITY school.  Teachers shared frustration with watching how the district re-zoning has resulted in concentrated schools of poverty-decisions made by the school board to appease the wealthy folks in the community who are afraid to send their kids to school with "those kids."  Sure, they donate money to charities who meet the needs of "those families" but they don't want them to actually be in their school...they don't belong.  They don't deserve the same quality of education...that is what "they" think.  This mindset infuriates me.

Which led me to my decision.  If I truly believe in social justice, educational equity, de-segregation, diversity, community development, community as a whole...then I need to align my life with those beliefs.  I need to truly invest in the process of social change...I need to make the choices that reflect my heart.

I've lived in urban areas and taught in urban areas all of my adult life-that is, until I had my son five years ago.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I was single, unemployed, and living in Stevens Square in Minneapolis.  I loved where I lived but I knew that I needed to be close to family to meet the needs of my child.  I knew, without a doubt, that I could not make it on my own as a single mother without my family's support.  So, I moved out to the 'burbs.  And it was the right decision for me and Caleb at that time.  I worked in Anoka Hennepin District 11-where I lived.  Then...I got laid off.  And where did I get a job?  Yep-Minneapolis Public Schools.  And, although last year was  rough and I thought about leaving-I really struggled with the decision, the rejections, the job search.  Living in the 'burbs I felt like a sell out...but I don't like my commute to school and I really want to work and live in the same community...so I was stuck in a conundrum.

That's when I did a lot of soul searching.  A lot of praying.  A lot of listening.  And a lot of applying for jobs.  And it became crystal clear that I am supposed to be at the urban school I am at.  I am in a leadership role there this year.  Kids know me.  Staff trusts me.  Last night I was praying that God would help me to see what to do...that I would feel a sense of community...that I would figure out where I belong.  At the staff meeting this morning, as teachers were sharing their passions which echo my own, it became clear.  This is where I belong.  And, this is where my son belongs.

Eventually, I will look into moving back into the city to complete the circle. Until then, my dream is being adjusted...I am close to family for the support I need (and the support I can give to my sister and my parents) and I am teaching where I need to be.  I hope and pray that eventually the three will align-live, work and worship.  For now, I am confident that the right thing to do is to fully invest in the school I am at.  That investment means bringing my son along.

Mindfulness and choice...

Tonight I spent four hours in my car.  My son's father lives in the Chicagoland area and this week he asked to have Caleb.  The plan was for him to come to my house and pick Caleb up and then head back but...alas...the man can't plan to save his life.  I hadn't heard from him at all today-he said he was going to be here in the 'early afternoon.'  Around 5pm I sent him a text message asking what the plan is.  He was on his way...around Wisconsin Dells.  I asked if he was planning to spend the night and then just leave in the morning...nope.  His plan was to just pick Caleb up and head back...so, I offered to drive to meet him in Eau Claire.  He, of course, took me up on it.  So, I got my kiddo ready, finished his packing, had dinner and we hopped in the car.

Now, there are several ways I could have handled this situation, which brings me to the title of this blog entry: "Mindfulness and Choice."  I could have allowed myself to be angry and spiteful and make Caleb's dad drive all the way here, pick my kid up at ten pm, then drive all night back to Chi-Town.  That response is perfectly fair since his dad didn't keep up his end of the bargain and didn't plan his visit.  Of course, the spiteful route would have cost me a pretty worthwhile four hours.

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Instead, I chose to be mindful.  Yes, I was irked.  Yes, I wanted to wallow in the repeated irresponsible behavior of Caleb's dad.  But instead, I I chose to be positive and move forward.  The two hours to Eau Claire, with my boy in the car, again, I chose to be mindful and appreciate the time.  We talked about construction, we sang songs, we discussed angels and God, we listened to music.  I enjoyed every second of that two hours-just me and my boy in the car.  Now, is an unexpected road trip in the early evening due to someone else's choices a joyous, fun occasion?  Nope.  But regardless of the circumstances, I can chose my reaction. 

We got to the Target in Eau Claire and his dad picked him up.  It was a pleasant exchange.  I gave my boy a big hug and off they went.  I got into my car and, as usual, I got emotional.  So, I listened to some P!NK for a while in the car wallowing in my sadness.  Every time I send my boy off with his dad, I get emotional.  It brings up the feelings of loss and guilt I have for not having a 'traditional' family for my son.  It brings up the reality that I don't have control of my son's safety or anything while he is with his dad.  Leaving him and knowing he will be 450 miles away from me for four days makes my heart break.  But, I know its all going to be okay.  His dad knows how to care for kids.  He needs a relationship with his dad.  Its good for me to have to a break.  All will be well.  

As I let P!NK distract me...I felt a nudge to change the tune.  So, I grabbed some of my worship CDs and spent the majority of the two hour drive through Wisconsin back home having a truly spiritual experience.  I spent two hours listening to music that draws me closer to God-which is exactly what I needed.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job closer to home and with the same academic calendar that Caleb will have...I'm restless and disappointed at going back to the same school in Minneapolis...and, because I chose to be mindful and positive, I got two hours of focused spiritual feeding that truly has helped me to focus and change my perspective a bit.

The hang up on homosexuality in the church...

Last night I was reading stuff on facebook about the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing gay marriage throughout the country.  I have a diverse group of friends-gay, straight, conservative, libertarian, liberal, black, white, latino, Christian, non believers, etc, etc, etc.  My conservative Christian friends have been posting tons of stuff about the downfall of American society because of the SCOTUS ruling because it is against God blah, blah, blah.  I am sure you have all seen and read the propaganda citing various scriptures and talking about the morality as well as the sanctity of marriage.  Here's the thing.  I am insanely tired of the BS.  I grew up in a conservative Christian church where sexuality was defined as only being between a man and a woman who are married.  Where divorce is wrong, marriage is sacred.  Homosexuality is wrong.  All the basics of Christianity 101.  This is where I get really irked about the insane double standard within the church regarding homosexuality vs other sexual sins.  At every single conservative church in the country you will find: young adults who are not married but are sexually active, adulterers, people who are divorced and (often) remarried to a new spouse, single parents (people who obviously had sex outside of marriage)...and nothing is said about these sexual sins.  Just based on the Christians I know-including myself-the vast majority have had sex outside of marriage.  We all know the divorce rate among Christians is the same as that for nonChristians.  As times have changed, the church has adjusted their reaction to these things.  There was a time, not too long ago, where woman who got pregnant out of wedlock were sent away to have their babies in isolation then give them up for adoption to save the family from shame.  According to the Bible, women are the property of men so if a woman were to get pregnant outside of marriage, her father (or husband if the pregnancy was due to an affair) can choose to have her stoned to death.  We don't do that anymore.  Women have choices in life-we are no longer limited to only getting married.  We can get educated, we are not property-so as culture and values shifted, the church's reaction to women's sexuality had to change as well.   The same happened with divorce.  The Bible is clear on the issue of divorce.  God hates divorce.  There are very limited situations were divorce is considered a Biblical option.  Again, as times changed and culture changed, the church's view on divorce changed.  The views evolved because we are learning to focus on grace and love not on archaic laws that were never meant to be applied for all eternity.  Even if you use the ten commandments as your guide for morality-there is no mention of homosexuality in those.  Adultery is mentioned.  Honoring the sabbath is mentioned.  Honoring parents is mentioned.  Sex is not mentioned at all-except as adultery.  Jesus never mentioned homosexuality.  Not once.  Paul does-but he is not Jesus.   We do not accept Paul as our savior, Paul is not the son of God.  And, when Paul mentions homosexuality it is at a specific time and place (as well as when homosexuality is mentioned in the Old Testament).  These commands against sexual immorality and homosexual behavior were in a specific context-people were engaging in various forms of sexuality as worship to other Gods-it was idolatry that was the sin not the act of sexuality.  The sexual issues that Bible speaks to are not about the act of sex itself (homosexual or not) but are about idolatry and worshipping other gods.  Paul is speaking to people who are converting from other religions to Christianity and therefore, need to abandon their old ways of worship and other gods.  He is not talking about sexuality in terms of a relationship.  This is where things get all mixed up.  Conservatives generally seem to see homosexuals as sex crazed maniacs and focus on the sex act, not on the relationship.   I think most Christians would agree that rampant, careless, sexual exploits (homosexual or heterosexual) are not healthy for people and do not bring people closer to God.  But,that is not the issue here.  The issue here is the right to marry.  The right for two people to make a commitment to one another-to form a bond for life.  The ruling is not about sanctioning random sexual acts or establishing a state religion focusing on gay sex.  Its about love and allowing people to build a life together.

I am a single mother-who got knocked up out of wedlock-I'm not a single mother due to divorce.  Lets be clear here, I am a single mother because I had sex outside of marriage.  In Biblical times I would have been stoned by my father to avoid bringing shame to my family.  A few generations ago, I would have been sent off to have my baby and give him up.  Or I would have had an abortion to avoid dealing with the situation all together and not letting anyone know of my sin.  Thankfully, I am alive in a time of grace and understanding where the reality of sex outside of marriage has been accepted and we have moved beyond the act of stoning women.

So, why are we still so focused on homosexuality as a "sin"?  Why can't we move forward and understand scriptures in the time and place and audience the were written to?  As I mentioned before, Paul's writing was advice to new churches that were struggling to figure out what it means to follow Jesus while letting go of prior religious practices.

Kindergarden Fears

My boy will turn five in April.  Its a milestone birthday because it means that in the fall he will be able to start kindergarden.  He's excited to start school.  He has been for as long as I can remember.  On his third birthday he asked, "Do I get to go to school now?"  Almost every day since then he has asked the same question.  My Caleb loves the idea of school.  He craves knowledge and information.  His love for all things educational scares me sometimes.  This kid will choose a book over a toy any day of the week.  He has no fear of school.  No doubt that he will have friends and be liked and that the teacher will care for him and teach him.

Me?  I have insane amounts of fear and anxiety regarding my precious boy going to school.  I'm a teacher.  I've worked in many different schools in many different settings.  I taught in inner city Chicago schools.  I taught in a Minneapolis charter school.  I taught in Minneapolis public schools.  I taught in Anoka Hennepin Schools.  I know schools.  I know how they work.  I've seen them be amazing and I have seen them suck the love of learning and passionate innocence from children.

As a high school and middle school Reading Specialist, I work with students who, for various reasons which I will not go into here, struggle with reading and therefore, struggle academically.  The vast majority of those students have no love for school or academics or anything remotely connected to the current educational system.  Because my students generally have such a distain for education and think they can't do school, I have to take a lot of time in the beginning of my class to bring back those innocent, inquisitive, joyful, trusting feelings towards the classroom.  Part of what I do is to talk with students about what their data shows me.  Very few of the students I work with have learning disabilities.  They didn't start out behind.  On the contrary, most of them performed at or above grade level in the early years of school.  Then, at some point, for some reason, they fell behind.  Sometimes it was family circumstances-a divorce, a move, a death, a birth, etc.  Other times it was a negative experience with a teacher.  Sometimes its an experience with classmates or some aspect of the educational system.  This is what scares me.

My son has a genuine love for learning.  He is teaching himself to read-for real.  On his own he is sounding out words, trying to spell, etc.  95% of his time at home, he is immersed in a stack of books looking at the letters, trying to figure out how they form words.  He has put some words together and read titles and words.  He is obsessed with numbers.  Last summer, when he had just turned four, the kid was doing mental math-addition and subtraction.  In his head.  On his own.  Yesterday he was playing with puzzles at my parents' house and he came up to me and said, "Mama, does six plus six equal twelve?"  "Um...yeah..." I said, a bit taken aback, "where did you see that?"  "No where."  So I went into the playroom to see what he was doing.  I assumed he was doing a number puzzle or looking at a book with numbers and equations in it.  Nope, he was just doing a normal puzzle.  He had taken the pieces out of the puzzle and sorted them into two groups of six pieces each.  On his own, he saw that a group of puzzle pieces could be divided into groups and then added together to make a whole.  His little brain is always thinking and making connections.  He is a sponge.

On the iPad he frequently watches all kinds of shows about building, animals, etc.  The other day he came up to me talking about how a sloth hangs upside down and moves really slowly and there are little creatures that live on the sloth too...he tells me about the digestive system...he tells me about microscopic sea creatures...he asks questions all the time...I'm afraid that he will be one of those kids whose sweet, innocent, inquisitive, joyful interest in the world around him will be squashed by the pressures of the system.  

Thankfully, I am a part of the system. I know how it works.  I know what red flags to watch for.  I know what happens in a classroom.  I know the educational lingo.  I can advocate for and support my boy through the jungle that is public education.  I have the experience, expertise and confidence to ask questions.  To watch and listen to my son.  To be vigilant about his experiences and education.  To keep him from getting lost in the system.  But what about the kids who don't have any sort of advocate?  What about the kids who do fall through the cracks of the system?  Its sad to me, that as a a professional educator, I am scared to send my own child to school.  I'm scared about what the system might do to him.

dating after 30 really sucks...

I've never been good at dating.  I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college.  I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing.  One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled.  One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now.  And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more.  Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them.  Times of just lots of random dating and hookups.  Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date.  I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee.  I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom.  And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective.  I like my life.  I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats.  I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy.  A quiet weekend at home is fine with me.  I don't want drama.  I don't want casual hook ups.  I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.

In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.'  That always bugs me.  If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it.  So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message.  I said something like, "What's the deal?  Are you a stalker?  Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me."  He responded and we started talking.  It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him.  He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality!  We actually had real conversations.  There was flirting.  It was interactive and fun.  If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone.  He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore.  Then...poof.  He disappeared.  No response from him.  No contact.

Until December.  He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want?  Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized.  He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues.  And he was going to court to get custody of his son.  And he was moving.  He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me.  Hmmmm....okay.  I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast.  Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not?  May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.

We met at Perkins for breakfast.  He hugged me when we met.  Took my coat.  Waited to sit down until I did.  Let me order first.  Was kind and friendly to the waitress.  We flirted.  We talked.  We laughed.  It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time.  He got my coat for me.  Opened the door for me.  Held me hand as he walked me to my car.  Was full of compliments and everything.  We shared dating horror stories.  Talked about our kids.  He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again.  We had another date planned...for the next week.  But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof!  He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him.  But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out.  We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date.  Dinner.  We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night.  Noticed I said were....got cancelled again.  Due to baby mama drama.  When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead.  Hence the cancellation.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up.  I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions.  "He's playing you."  "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now."  "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December."  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I told him I was disappointed.  I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies.  He apologized.  Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me.  For now...I'll believe him.

But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay.  Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient.  When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...

Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me.  I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard.  I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust.  Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him.  He has sent me pictures from the airport.  Videos of his bike race.  Pictures of him training for his races.  Why can't I just accept what he says as true?  Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself?  Is it about my own insecurity?  Do my questions really have anything to do with him?  Probably not.

As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...

Getting healthy, lets get real...

For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight (or at least thought I was).  I've always seen and defined myself as fat and ugly and non athletic.  Why?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  First, as a kid I had severe asthma.  Like, the boy in the bubble level of allergies and asthma issues.  I was allergic to everything: chicken, tomatoes, grapes, peanuts, beets (which was the main source of sugar back in the day), any sort of plant life or grass, any animal with fur, dust, dust mites, mold...the list could probably go on and on.  Back in the days of my youth, the glorious 1980s, there were not inhalers or medications for asthma that we have today.  I was on medications.  Steroids and other crap that no one uses any more because they are so bad for you and have so many negative effects.  Of course, back then the goal was to keep me alive and breathing with the options that were available, so my parents and doctors did what they had to do.  Well, due to all the allergies and breathing issues, I was scared to death to do any level of exercise.  From the time I was little I was very familiar with the feeling of my chest constricting so I could no longer take a breath.  I knew the feeling of having an elephant on my chest keeping me from getting any air.  I knew the feeling and sound of wheezing in my lungs and chest very, very well.  This reality became a core part of my identity.  Completely unintentionally.  It was a survival thing.  We were all scared that I would one day die of an asthma attack that I was kept very protected from allergens and exercise.  Of course, everyone now knows that moderate exercise is good for people with asthma and we have the medications to keep airways open and to reopen closed airways.  So, as an adult I am trying to change that mindset.  To change how I see myself.  To rewrite the definition of myself.  But its really, really hard.

This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months.  15 months from today to be exact.  I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal.  Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal.  So, that's my goal.  For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :).  If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds.  128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming.  And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life.  And I also never broke it down into smaller bits.  Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal.  But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able.  So, that's my goal.

Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life.  I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half.  I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be.  A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together.  I want to be an active person.  I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son.  I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing.  I want to have energy and confidence.  I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.

I invite you to join me on this journey.  Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated.  Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me.  So I know exactly what I need to do.  I've done weight watchers.  I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc.  I had a personal trainer in the past.  I know I need to be active.  What I need is the will.  The action.  I have cookbooks.  I know how to make healthy meals.  I know what foods are healthy and what are not.  I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge.  Its about action.  And, I am ready to take that action.  Of course, I will struggle.  I will make mistakes.  But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it.  I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old.  Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together.  So, here goes...rebirth at 40.  April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.