bein fat is gettin old

I have struggled with body image and weight and health issues pretty much all of my life. I started out pretty normal size, even skinny! It all went downhill when I was diagnosed with asthma and severe allergies when I was 2. I remember the allergy testing that happened when I was five. The all day process was not fun, but I endured with just a simple tear now and again. No fits from me or screams while they gave me 15 shots in each of my little legs or spent hours doing scratch tests on my back. From that point forward, I struggled to breathe. Exercise became a non event for me because being allergic to anything that grows outside, I was kept inside. My parents became overly protective of their little girl who couldn't breathe and slowly but surely the weight crept up. The early medications for asthma were also steroid based which caused the weight to creep on as well. I don't know that I was officially overweight until high school, it may have started in middle school, I don't exactly remember. From the time I was young, emotional eating became an important part of my life as well. I used to hide Little Debbie cakes and just eat whatever I could. Food and my cat were my friends and coping mechanisms for dealing with life. No one really noticed, or if they did they never said anything, so the habits became ingrained.

Since high school, I have gained over 100 pounds. The crazy thing is, in high school, I was a size 14 (at my smallest) to maybe an 18 (at my biggest) and I thought I was the biggest thing on the planet then. Currently, I am a size 26 and weigh 297 pounds.

Since adulthood, I have fought the good fight of weight loss. I did Weight Watchers (more than once), read Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, listened to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Loss book on CD, did the spiritual weight loss program "The Weigh Down Workshop", followed Oprah's many many plans to lose weight, read books, etc. All of the listed systems to lose weight work, if you stick with them. The programs give you the rules you need to lose weight and keep it off, if you stick to the rules. The thing is, I am not a rules person. I do not like being told what to do or what to eat and I do not like keeping track of the details of what I eat. Ive tried. Many many times. I have purchased several notebooks and journals with the intention of religiously keeping track of what I eat and all that stuff. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't stick.

Last summer, my sister and I joined Golds Gym and signed up for a personal trainer. Holy crap was that a good idea! From August to November, I lost 40 pounds and have kept all of that weight off. Since November, my gym attendance faltered for various reasons. First, I had this odd twisted chunk of fat that came off inside my body on my side and caused lots and lots of searing pain. I discovered this 'alien baby' at a CAT scan. It took a couple of weeks for it to work its way out of my system and for the excruciating pain to stop. Then, I did something to jack up my knee. Dunno what, but that took a few weeks to heal. Finally, my sinus issues wreaked havoc on my life with constant sinus infections from November thru March and I finally had sinus surgery in April. So, now I am back on the wagon with working out.

The only way to lose weight and get in shape is to do the work to make it happen. There are no fast track ways. There are no short cuts. Shows like The Biggest Loser actually piss me off because they are not reality. Anyone can lose weight if they are taken from their natural environment where they face daily struggles and old habits and are forced to work out all friggen day with professional trainers and state of the art equipment. That is not reality for me nor is it reality for the average American tryin to get healthy and in shape. Its about choices. Choosing to go to the gym regardless of how I feel and choosing to eat the food I know is good for me rather than hitting the drive thru again. No one, not even Dr Phil or Oprah, can make me do it or even inspire me to do it. The choices are mine and mine alone and the effects of those choices are mine and mine alone.

So, a new category of my blog is going to be "Killing the Fat." In this section, I will be writing about my journey to change my lifestyle and get healthy. I chose "Killing the Fat" because losing weight sounds too passive. I am not losing anything-I am working to get rid of it. Losing implies a haphazard, random act. What I am attempting to do is neither random or haphazard. It is intentional. It is hard. It is minute by minute choices on how to live my life to destroy the fat in my body and restore my health.