crises of faith?

I grew up going to church and my faith has always been very real to me. I went to youth group, did the Sunday school thing, my closest friends in high school were the people in my small church youth group. Christian summer camp, private Christian college, daily Bible reading, discipleship, youth ministry, constant volunteering, etc etc etc. As an adult, I even spent a year living in intentional Christian community serving in an urban neighborhood and church-I was a 'missionary" of sorts. After the year of mission community service, I joined a team starting a church. I guess that is where my crises of faith started. Since then, I have not been a part of a church body. During all of my church and spiritual experiences there have been conflicts and times of growth but during the church plant-which was five years ago-a series of events happened that cut to my soul.

First, I joined the group with the understanding that it was to be a egalitarian, socially minded church. Specifically meaning, there was no issue with women in leadership. The pastor and I had long talks about this idea and at the time I was asked to join the church as a pastor of Social Justice sort of role-leading our community in the pursuit of caring for the least of these as Jesus did. As other people joined our small community, other views and issues were discussed, some in a large group, some in a small group. Finally, we were getting to the nitty gritty of starting this church and we started writing the church constitution. The core of us were meeting and as we were going over the constitution, there was something in there about men holding leadership. I stopped the group and asked what that was all about. I was not the only one shocked by such a statement in the constitution, but we were the minority. It seems the men who joined the core group later would have nothing to do with an egalitarian church. The discussion started and the pastor stuck with the men. I was floored. I had moved more than 50 miles to be a part of this church. I had put my heart and soul into it and was blindsided with the news that I could not be in leadership because I am female. This whole idea goes against everything in my being. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I felt lost. I felt like God had lied to me and led me on a while goose chase. So, slowly, almost noticeably, I phased myself out of the church.

As I was phasing myself out, it was rather unconscious, I began playing games with men. Over the next six months or so, I dated and slept with several different men. No one in the church had any idea because the church itself was falling apart due to divisiveness. Of course, I don't really know the ins and outs of this because I was already out of the community. During this time, I also decided to move to Chicago and begin my teaching career. I was drawing further and farther from God but I didn't realize it. I still prayed, I still considered myself a Christian, I still strove to follow God, something was missing.

I still feel this sense of something missing and I am coming close to figuring out what it is. I am missing the sense of spiritual community that God created us to have relationships with fellow Christians to help walk through life together and be able to deal with things as they happen. I miss that feeling of community more than anything in my life but at the same time, I am scared to death to try to develop it again. Opening myself up to people, sharing my life and my story, and my faith, is not easy. Its scary. I have gone to church a couple of times and it felt good. A little uncomfortable, but good. Yet, every Sunday I seem to oversleep or just choose not to go. I want to go but the fear stops me. Fear of judgement, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being liked, fears of everything. Perhaps, there is also some shame.

Shame because of how I chose to live my life over the last five years. I didn't go to church. I distanced myself from all things spiritual. I don't feel like God has left me, but I feel like I have left God. Not because of the choices I made regarding sexual relationships, but because of the choices I made regarding building relationships and being a part of a church body. I allowed my fear to take over my life and rather than settling into a church, I went once or twice and then found excuses not to go. I miss it. And I need to start going.

Here's the thing though. I don't want to go because I want God to fix things in my life. I don't want this to be a big going home kind of emotional and spiritual rebirth because its not that dramatic. I need community. I need church. I need that spiritual centeredness I once had regardless of if anyone goes along with me or not. I fear being alone, I fear going to church alone. Part of faith though, is realizing that we are never alone. We have God with us and more than that, we have a whole community of faith that we are a part of if we choose to join it.

Currently, things in my life are not how I want them to be. I lost my job. I was accused of horrible things by my former employer and was never allowed to defend myself. Decisions were made about my life without my input. I have applied for hundreds of jobs ranging from a barista job at Caribou to a Training Manager at the corporate headquarters. And how many calls for interviews have I gotten? One. I had an interview last week for a job at a university that involves a $10,000 a year pay cut. Things are not looking great. The guy I am dating spends more time studying than spending time with me and currently loves trying to tell me what to do-which doesn't go over well. He is in his world, looking for a job, going to school and I am in the background, which is getting old. Are these reasons to turn to God? Of course they are, but they are not the only reasons. I am not looking for God to solve all my problems or miraculously give me my dream job or my dream man. That is not what this is about. This is about finding community again, which is what my heart longs for. I don't expect to get the job offer of my dreams on Monday because I go to church on Sunday. Of course, that would be a nice surprise, but not the purpose of my return to a faith community. I want community. Its that simple. A place of faith to belong to, where I can serve and grow with fellow believers and perhaps, change our little corner of the world to be a better place.