At least I tried....

The celibacy thing lasted about two weeks, give or take.  I know, I know, HUGE shock.  Here's the thing:  I am not a person who responds well to limits.  I have been known to do something simply because someone told me not to do it or said I couldn't.  Random limits have no real place in a person's life.  Now, hold your horses, mister!  I did not say limits have no place.  I said RANDOM limits have no place.  Limits, of course, are good and very very needed.  If there is no actual purpose, the limits become arbitrary barriers that will be broken because they no tangible meaning.  The celibacy thing was that for me.  It was a meaningless barrier because the issue is not about sex at all.  The issue is about intimacy, love, truth, self worth, making strong choices for me.  Sex is...well...sex.  I have had intimate sex, I have had casual sex, I have had good sex, I have had bad sex.  Sex, in and of itself, is not right or wrong or good or evil.  Sex is about yourself and the person with whom you are sharing and the level to which you are choosing to open yourself to that person.  Can those choices cause sex to be an evil, manipulative, destructive thing?  Yes.  We have all seen that on so many levels but choices can also lead sex to be a truly intimate, loving, mutually respectful and beneficial exchange between two consenting, mature, honest, adults who are deeply self aware.  I am striving for a place of balance in my life and in my relationships with men and others in my life.  For a time, out of utter frustration, I believed that to reach that precarious balance, I needed to close of a part of my life-the sexual and dating part.  But that did not help.  With that gone, I was more restless.  More angry.  More irritated and doubtful than before.  The last few weeks have shown me that limits need to give way to balance.  Balance involves limits in scope and depth of interactions to protect oneself-body heart and soul.  While still allowing intimacy to develop in its natural course and enjoying the respectful, intimate, committed company of a person I really do like.  I am on a journey to discover the roots of who I am, prune some scraggly branches, heal some scars and move forward.  Several of the lessons I am working through do center around men, but they are not the core.  The core is myself and issues I seem to keep running from...issues of self value, intimacy, what love really means-in terms of family, friends, Jesus, the Divine, truth....oh so many things....So, I am not celibate but I am committed which I guess is almost as big of a deal.  I am letting go of the what ifs....of the doubts and the fears and desperately trying to give my special guy the benefit of the doubt as we are figuring out what we have and what we want.  We are building something.  Together.  Building an intimacy and trust in each other that will allow us to tear down some of the walls we both hide behind and...perhaps...fall in love in the process.