Single Pregnancy

Its been a week since I found out that I am pregnant and I still feel like I am in the twilight zone. My emotions and thoughts change from second to second and every now and I again I truly believe I am having a dream and will wake up to go back to my normal, single woman, life. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like there is a little life growing inside of me. I don't have a baby bulge, I don't have morning sickness, I don't have a precious little ultra sound picture to show people but my apartment is changing. I have started a 'baby crap' box. The box is slowly filling with baby stuff. Last Monday my sister Aj invited me and my other sister Rachel out to lunch to celebrate the coming of "Baby O". The growing patch of cells inside me as become known as Baby O because it is the eighth grandchild in the family so Aj has dubbed it Baby O....short for octagon, Octavius, Octopus, all things associated with eight. She arrived with a target bag and a sweet yellow bear head attached to a soft pale green blanket with the satin trim all babies love. We began tossing around names and nursery themes. The conversation was fun, but felt very out of body. This week has been a time of adjustment that I realize has only just begun. Everyone has tons of advice for me, which is appreciated but exhausting. Things like, you can't change the kitty litter box. Well, I live alone. I'm doing this pregnancy on my own, so...who else will change the kitty litter box? So, we had to look up the issue and there is no issue. Pregnant women can indeed clean the kitty litter box as long there is no eating of the feces. Whew! Safe on that one. Then there is the don't carry heavy things admonition. Seeing that I live alone and the baby daddy is in Chicago, I either carry heavy things or make a million and one trips to the car to carry in groceries and other random crap that life brings. Who else will carry these things? Im realizing that while everyone is kindly offering advice and help, but in the end, this is my journey and responsibility and I will be required to make the tough choices on my own. Of course people will help and be there for me, and who knows what role the baby daddy will assume-but in the end, my body is changing and I will be the mother of a child in nine short months. A daunting and exciting task that I am trying to get ready for. Hopefully I will be out of the twilight zone soon and reality will set in.

The Adventure Begins

I've been patiently waiting for my monthly cycle to start for a week or so and since I have been taking birth control pills for the last few years, I didn't think much of it but as the days kept passing and no cycle started....I decided to pick up a pregnancy test just to see. I've been late before, even on the pill, and the last few weeks have been highly stressful (moving, looking for a job, etc) so i figured that would cause the lateness. So, I went to my sisters house because one can not pee on a stick alone, and peed on the stick. Waited the obligatory three to five minutes and examined the oval on the stick. One pink line showed up very clearly and a second line faintly appeared... My sister and I looked at each other and wondered what it meant. It couldn't be positive, its only a very faint second line and I am on the pill! Since its Sunday, we jumped online to see where I could go to get a doctor's confirmation. Target Clinic here we come! Of course, we had to wait about an hour because the clinic is closed on Sundays from 1pm to 2pm so the doctor can have lunch. At 2:01pm, we got in the car and jetted to the Blaine Super Target Clinic. For $49.00 you can get pregnancy confirmation on Target Clinic letterhead, which is exactly what I got and a tentative due date of April 20th, 2010.

When the doctor gave us the news, Rachel began laughing hysterically and I was stunned. The doctor was very understanding and gave me all the basic info: no alcohol, no caffeine, get some prenatal vitamins and go see a regular doctor. Oh and she gave me an official letter to give to the folks at the county so I can apply for Medical Assistance and WIC since, yes I am still unemployed.

After we left the doctor's office, we wandered through target gathering the prenatal vitamins ensuring they have plenty o folic acid and what not and I asked Rachel, "Am I dreaming? Are we in the twilight zone?" I felt dazed, like I was watching the world through a dreamy haze of unreality. She pinched me and assured me, no, you are not dreaming. The next step was informing my parents that their youngest, unmarried, single, unemployed, daughter was pregnant by her ex boyfriend who lives in Chicago. We decided it'd be fun to ease the blow by giving them some cute baby gift. We settled on two bibs: on embroidered in pretty pastel pink with "I Love My Grandma" and the second embroidered in baby blue with "I Love My Grandpa."

Then we drove to the home I grew up in to share the news with the people who created me, within the confines of marriage and employment, of course. I don't remember my mother's first words but it involved swearing and not much joy...but shortly thereafter she exclaimed, "oh we need to start saving up for a crib! Let me know when you find one you like!" With the conception of their first grandchild 14 years ago, my parents started the tradition of purchasing the crib for the first child of each of their children. An avid smoker, she also moved her chair about ten feet away from me to protect me and the fetus from the smoke. Dad....well....didn't say much except, "well, I guess Andy got more than he bargained for with his $30 bus trip." He will need to process the information slowly and I am sure both parents are happy at the thought of grandchild number eight but concerned about their daughter being single and unemployed while carrying that blessing into the world.

Many phone calls have been made throughout this evening. Much love and support is felt. This is the start of a very long and challenging journey and honestly, right now, I feel very numb. I still feel like I am on the outside of my world looking in, seeing the action and hearing the conversations taking place but not actually experiencing them. This pregnancy was not planned by a long shot but was prophesied by my sister Rachel. About three weeks ago, when Andy came to visit, Rachel informed us that she had a dream that I got pregnant by him while he was visiting to help me move and paint my new place. Hmmm....prophetic much?

When I was in college I took a class called "The Biology of Women." Throughout the semester we discussed the biology and chemistry involved in developing a new life. There are hundreds of factors that have to be exactly right for an egg and sperm to unite and form a zygote then hundreds more factors that must be perfect for that zygote to implant itself on the right place in the uterus and another hundred factors for the uterus to accept that zygote and feed it as it grows and develops into an embryo. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, the chemistry and biology involved in conception and development of life is simply an unexplainable miracle. Sometimes the factors work together to create a new life, and other times they don't. For me, and this little life inside me, as of right now, its working and I am celebrating that fact and grateful that God gives me 40 weeks to prepare for this little pea to develop into an infant ready to join the world. Its an overwhelming sense of responsibility and awe that I am in this situation, preparing to be a mother, at this point in my life. Its not perfect, but it is what it is, my reality. Hopefully soon that reality will sink in!

Allergy Sufferes Unite!

I have been taking some form of Sudafed for my severe allergies since I was five years old. My initial dose was 1/2 a pill four times a day, so once I started school I would take a trip to the nurses office to down the half pill of heaven that would allow me to live through another day without constant sneezing. Since the Sudafed Law was passed back in 2005, life has gotten somewhat complicated for those of us who depend on the wonder drug of sudafed, not to make Meth, but to simply get through our daily lives without constant sneezing, eye watering, itchy throat and other allergy associated nastyness. At first it was just annoying to have to show my id to get my medication-which used to be available over the counter. Its not crack, its allergy medication. Then I moved to Minnesota from Chicago, and cashiers at pharmacy counters did not seem to know what to do with an out of state drivers license in such a situation so it would take at least ten minutes to get those lovely little pills that make my life easier. Now I've encountered the additional stress of having friends who also have allergies, and being that I have cats, these friends often need some sudafed when they come to my humble, cat hair filled abode. I have no problem sharing the little pills that eliminate the symptoms of allergies with folks who need them, I consider it my responsiblity as a hostess with feline friends. The complication I have run into now is that when I go to purchase my ten day supply of sudafed, I have been told "oh, you've reached your limit for the month, we can't sell them to you." Its not like I am supplying the neighborhood with sudafed. I might share one pill out of a box, certainly not enough to go over a limit of some sort. Obviously I am a resourceful woman who will solve the problem of getting my much needed sudafed by simply asking a friend or family member to get the needed pills for me until my limit is reset. The law was passed because of Meth production. The drug that makes sudafed work is the key ingredient for Meth. So, the powers that be decided to stop the production of Meth they'd make it harder to get sudafed. Show and id, track buyers, limit quantities, etc. Here's the problem: the people who manufacture meth are smart enough to hire people to get the needed ingredient for their money making product. I tried to find results on how effective the whole sudafed law has been in reducing the production and sales of meth, and guess what? Oh yeah, you got it: the production and sales and use of meth are INCREASING. Going up. The law doesn't work. So, why not repeal the damn thing so that people can get allergy relief or cold relief. Reality is the over the counter stuff doesn't work as well. It does nothing. I just have to buy for myself and can get around the irritation of having to ask someone once in a while to become my supplier but what if I had kids who needed sudafed as well? The monthly limit that a single person is allowed to purchase is nine grams. An effective daily dose is 240 grams (either as one 24 hour tablet, 2 12 hour tablets, or 4 six hour tablets). If you need a dose a day, in 31 days you need 7.4 grams to get through the month. The limit of 9 grams allows for 37 doses. If you have two allergy sufferers that you have to buy for, there is no way to make it work, unless you strategically enlist the help of others. Six pills is not much wiggle room. Lost pills, friends who need one, long vacations-things happen. Why must we beg, borrow, or conjole to simple stop sneezing? If the law isn't working anyway, repeal it and let allergy sufferers get their sudafed relief in peace. Its a ridiculous law that irritates more hardworking allergy sufferers than it actually slows the production of meth. Yes meth is a bad thing, but sudafed is not responsible for meth heads.

jobless at 33

My life is not at all what I expected it to be at 33 years old. I'm unemployed, living in an apartment, single, no kids, drowning in student loan debt and not at all financially stable. What bugs me the most is that I feel like I did most things the right way. I worked hard and graduated from college then went on to get my Master's degree in teaching-I always wanted to teach. I have had various jobs from customer service to office administration to teaching. As a teacher, I have been very successful. Students that were in my class still contact me letting me know I had an impact on them. Test scores in my classes went up 40% in the year I taught them. Yet, can't keep a teaching job to save my life and now, I can't get a teaching job to save my life.

Since I lost my job in April, I have applied for hundreds of jobs. Some are teaching jobs, some are office administrative jobs, some are customer service, some are teacher's aid jobs, some are retail jobs. Anything that looks like I am remotely qualified for, I apply for. I've had a few interviews, all of which I thought went well, but here I am still looking.

Being out of work is a depressing place to be. I feel like a failure. I feel like my education was a waste of time. I feel like a loser. The first month of unemployment sucked because I was getting over the whole getting fired thing. The second month I was energized and ready to face the world and get my dream job. Now, in month three after hundreds of job applications and rejections, I'm deflated, exhausted, and feeling very hopeless.

I worked hard to become a teacher and I am good at it and passionate for education, yet a job teaching is always just out of my reach. Is it time to find something else or do I keep holding out, keep trying?

Man-Fast take two....

Alrighty, I think I finally got the message. I need to take care of myself and not date. Or at the very least, not focus on dating or my desire to have a partner in life. Yes, you guessed it, Anthony and I have ended round oh 876 of our relationship. Only this time, I really am done. Its exhausting to try to build something with someone who just isn't as into you or the idea of a relationship as you are. The excuses are irrelevant. The justifications are dumb. The truth is there...I don't even like him that much. He annoys me. He doesn't listen to me. We don't click. I was trying to force something to develop that just wasn't there on either end. Why oh why would I do something so insane? Because I am 33. I'm going to be 34 in 9 months and 17 days. Not that I'm counting. The idea of being single at 34 or 35 or 40 quite honestly scares the hell out of me. I want to be married. I want a partner in life. The older I get, the less likely that seems. So I grasp onto relationships that I really don't want because it seems better than being alone. What is so wrong with being alone? What is so wrong with being the crazy cat lady? Why do I feel inadequate on my own? Is it about me or about expectations of society? I have lots of friends who are single and I do not look at them with pity or think they need a man in their life, so why o I put that pressure on myself? I like my life. Of course I want someone to share my life with but at what cost? Its often said that once you stop looking the 'one' crosses your path. The thing is, I don't want to think about in those terms. I want to be content in my life how is now with where I am now in all aspects and live my life the way I want to, not always feeling like I am lacking something or waiting for that person who will 'complete me." Which incientally I think is a load of crap. I don't want someone to complete me, I want someone to share myself with. I think a six month hiatus of looking is a good idea. Please Lord, help me to stick to it this time!

One step forward, five steps back

Life has a way of constantly changing. Since April, I have been on a roller-coaster of changes that I just can't get off of. I lost my job. The I got a great job offer, only to find out my MN teaching license wasn't up to date so I couldn't sign a contract. I contacted the powers that be and was told that they weren't looking for anyone else but couldn't actually hold the position for me, but things seemed to be in order. Well, the jokes on me. Today I got an email from the school saying they filled the position so here I am back at square one with no job.

Then there was the unemployment appeal. I got unemployment then was told my former employer was appealing the unemployment request so I had to have hearing with a judge to determine if I am eligible for benefits or not. The hearing was supposed to take place on Friday but at the last minute the employer withdrew the appeal. Yipppee for me. At least I still got that goin for me.

So the next level of drama...my current apartment will not renew my lease so I have to move. I was all set for the perfect apartment then the landlord rented it to someone else. Im almost ready for apartment number two-which I like and can afford-but they want a double deposit because of my crappy credit. ARGH. I don't know if I can do that or not. I gotta sit down and crunch some serious numbers and figure out what my options are. There is always my sisters basement...but damn...I's 33 years old with a master's degree do I really need to resort to that?

I'm so tired of the struggle and of the drama. I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point.

Ambitious Goals

Yesterday I sat down and figured out this grandiose exercise and weight loss plan. It boils down to math...you have to take in less calories than you burn off. To be exact, to lose one pound of fat, you need to burn 3500 calories more than you usually do. One can do this either by changing what you take in or eat or you can change what you burn or exercise.

There is a handy dandy website http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ that has all sorts of tools about calculating what you need to do based on your own numbers. Its really a fascinating tool to literally put things into a clear perspective. I figured out that my basal metabolic rate is 2116.15. That is the number of calories I burn just by living. Then, I took that number and figured out what my daily calorie needs are-on the website they give you a formula to use based on your activity level. My current daily calorie needs are 2539.38 calories to MAINTAIN my current weight. So, logically I can use that information to plan out my week.

If my goal is to lose 2 pounds in a week, that means I have to kill 7500 calories in a week.

So, my ambitious plan i figured out last night was this:

Lose one pound from exercise. So, I take 3500 calories (whats needed to kill once pound of fat) and divide it by 6 (how many days a week I can work out, I need a day off :) ) and I get: 585 calories a session. If I kick ass on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then do some weights, its not hard to get to 585 calories. I can also add in pilates and crunches at home, I got a yoga ball and mat to do just that and I have done pilates before. They are hard ass work but really feel good...they tone and stretch your muscles without the high impact deal of running, etc.

Ambitious, yes. Can I do it? Yes. It has to be a choice. How have I done so far this week? Well....today I spent half an hour at the gym. Yesterday I didn't make it...

Second part is the food intake. Since my daily calorie needs are 2540, I figure the easiest way to do this is to cut it down to an even 2000 calories. This is actually pretty easy because all the nutrition info on food labels is based on a 2000 calorie diet. So, if I cut down to 2000 calories, I'm at my second pound: 3780 calories=540 calories x 7 days.

The sucky part of the nutrition thing is the keeping track. Weight Watchers has great tools online for doing this, but it costs money and you have to log in and enter the data. Its relatively cheap-I think like $14 a month if I recall. The tracking software is really good. You can record what you eat each day and what you do for exercise, there are also great advice boards and recipes, etc. The thing is, I don't want to spend the money on this or have to track it for the rest of my ever livin life. I want to learn to control myself and make the choices I need to make to keep myself healthy.

I've done weight watchers before, and it works! I lost weight and kept track of what I ate but the hard thing is, you kinda become controlled by THE POINTS. They start to rule your life and you start to rely on THE POINTS rather than your own self control and choices so it is still about the food not about you. I want to be free of the demons not just control them with points.

For now, I am going to focus on getting the exercise pattern down and reduce what I eat on my own. I've been working on this for a very long time because from the time I was very young I have turned to food for comfort. Slowly but surely I am getting better and I am making better choices. For example, today at lunch with my sisters at Green Mill, rather than getting greasy, fatty, bad for me food that I didn't need, I got a bowl of soup. Did I eat too much bread and butter with the soup? Probably. Baby steps.

Today this is what I consumed:
No breakfast, I didn't get up til noon. One of the perks of unemployment.

Lunch
Chicken Wild Rice Soup
Bread with garlic butter
2 glasses o water

Iced Coffee and cream

Dinner
1 piece of BBQ chicken (tried to peel off the skin as much as I could)
Black beans and rice
1 biscuit
broccoli and carrots

So, I did good today. I might have some toast or something before I go to bed because I'm kinda hungry and it will help me sleep. I might not tho...perhaps some water or tea would do the trick. CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES!