Why doing my taxes is horribly depressing

Each year when I sit down to do my taxes in January I get crazy depressed and want to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life.  I get overwhelmed with humiliation, self-loathing, insatiable guilt, and a deep sense of loss.  I don't live within a budget.  I suck at sticking to limits of any kind.  I don't think long term financially.  I'm impulsive.  I get sucked into the pressure of American marketing to buy buy buy whether you need something or not.  (Need is a complex word by the way.  Our culture and media fill us with a false definition of need each and every day, but that is a topic for another blog post.)  So, when I sit down to do my taxes I am forced to confront my wanton wastefulness and consumerism.  I see it, in black and white.  The exact amount of money that I earned.  Right there.  In print.  I can't deny it.  I can't pretend it's not correct.  In reality too, it doesn't even show all the money I have access to because I also get child support each month.  And, even with the income and the child support, I find myself always broke.  Why?  Where did that money go?  It's ridiculous.  Humiliating.

I look at those numbers and I am ashamed.  Ashamed because after 12 months of working, I have nothing to show for those earnings.  Sure we have lots of "stuff" in our home.  My son has more toys, games and books than most preschools have in their entire facility.  Our cupboards are full of food.  Our freezer is packed.  I have a car. We have two tvs, an x box, a blue ray/DVD player, movies and video games.  We have two iPads, a laptop and an iPod.  Granted, our electronics are older and certainly not top of the line.  Caleb and I both have closets full of clothing-some we rarely wear.  We have more than enough stuff to live our lives well.

The money I earned could have done so much.  I could have invested more in people and organizations that I care about.  I could have fed people.  Clothed people.  Housed people.  I could have supported people I know in ministries around the world.  I could have given extravagant, lovely, random gifts to people I love.  I could have travelled to see people I don't see often enough.  I could have taken my parents on a vacation.  I could have paid off my house or car.  I could have invested in Caleb's future by putting money away for him.  I could have taken care of all the little projects around my house.

Over the last few years, I have been on a journey of simplification and minimalization.  Over the summer, I gave away a huge amount of stuff and it was just a drop in the bucket.  The journey is going to continue and become more radical.   I am humbled.  I am inspired.  I am overwhelmed.  I'm not exactly sure where to go from here...but there are going to be changes.  What those changes are, I don't know yet.  But I am praying.  I am thinking.  I am changing my focus and my mindset.  I am working through developing systems of financial responsibility that will keep me accountable.

I'm considering a buy nothing year.  It's pretty radical, I know.  But, honestly, other than groceries and other consumables, there is nothing we need.  And, being that I am not employed, now is a good time to change these negative, wasteful habits because I have to.  Of course, there are certain things I will need to purchase but the rule needs to be I can't buy something unless it's consumable and completely out.  For example, facial lotion and cleanser.  That's stuff that gets used up and needs to be resupplied... cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.  You get the idea.

The buy nothing year is about battling random, impulse purchases that are fueled not by need but by consumerism and the belief that things will make me happy or happier.  I need to be intentional and thoughtful and purposeful with my spending.  It's not just about the money either.  It's a spiritual thing.

The Bible and Jesus are clear about the financial responsibility expected of Christians.  To whom much is given, much is expected.  Tithing.  Taking care of the community.  Generosity.  Living simply.  These are the values I want my life to reflect.