dating after 30 really sucks...

I've never been good at dating.  I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college.  I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing.  One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled.  One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now.  And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more.  Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them.  Times of just lots of random dating and hookups.  Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date.  I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee.  I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom.  And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective.  I like my life.  I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats.  I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy.  A quiet weekend at home is fine with me.  I don't want drama.  I don't want casual hook ups.  I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.

In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.'  That always bugs me.  If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it.  So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message.  I said something like, "What's the deal?  Are you a stalker?  Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me."  He responded and we started talking.  It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him.  He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality!  We actually had real conversations.  There was flirting.  It was interactive and fun.  If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone.  He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore.  Then...poof.  He disappeared.  No response from him.  No contact.

Until December.  He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want?  Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized.  He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues.  And he was going to court to get custody of his son.  And he was moving.  He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me.  Hmmmm....okay.  I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast.  Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not?  May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.

We met at Perkins for breakfast.  He hugged me when we met.  Took my coat.  Waited to sit down until I did.  Let me order first.  Was kind and friendly to the waitress.  We flirted.  We talked.  We laughed.  It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time.  He got my coat for me.  Opened the door for me.  Held me hand as he walked me to my car.  Was full of compliments and everything.  We shared dating horror stories.  Talked about our kids.  He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again.  We had another date planned...for the next week.  But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof!  He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him.  But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out.  We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date.  Dinner.  We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night.  Noticed I said were....got cancelled again.  Due to baby mama drama.  When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead.  Hence the cancellation.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up.  I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions.  "He's playing you."  "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now."  "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December."  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I told him I was disappointed.  I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies.  He apologized.  Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me.  For now...I'll believe him.

But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay.  Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient.  When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...

Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me.  I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard.  I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust.  Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him.  He has sent me pictures from the airport.  Videos of his bike race.  Pictures of him training for his races.  Why can't I just accept what he says as true?  Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself?  Is it about my own insecurity?  Do my questions really have anything to do with him?  Probably not.

As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...

Getting healthy, lets get real...

For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight (or at least thought I was).  I've always seen and defined myself as fat and ugly and non athletic.  Why?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  First, as a kid I had severe asthma.  Like, the boy in the bubble level of allergies and asthma issues.  I was allergic to everything: chicken, tomatoes, grapes, peanuts, beets (which was the main source of sugar back in the day), any sort of plant life or grass, any animal with fur, dust, dust mites, mold...the list could probably go on and on.  Back in the days of my youth, the glorious 1980s, there were not inhalers or medications for asthma that we have today.  I was on medications.  Steroids and other crap that no one uses any more because they are so bad for you and have so many negative effects.  Of course, back then the goal was to keep me alive and breathing with the options that were available, so my parents and doctors did what they had to do.  Well, due to all the allergies and breathing issues, I was scared to death to do any level of exercise.  From the time I was little I was very familiar with the feeling of my chest constricting so I could no longer take a breath.  I knew the feeling of having an elephant on my chest keeping me from getting any air.  I knew the feeling and sound of wheezing in my lungs and chest very, very well.  This reality became a core part of my identity.  Completely unintentionally.  It was a survival thing.  We were all scared that I would one day die of an asthma attack that I was kept very protected from allergens and exercise.  Of course, everyone now knows that moderate exercise is good for people with asthma and we have the medications to keep airways open and to reopen closed airways.  So, as an adult I am trying to change that mindset.  To change how I see myself.  To rewrite the definition of myself.  But its really, really hard.

This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months.  15 months from today to be exact.  I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal.  Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal.  So, that's my goal.  For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :).  If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds.  128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming.  And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life.  And I also never broke it down into smaller bits.  Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal.  But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able.  So, that's my goal.

Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life.  I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half.  I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be.  A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together.  I want to be an active person.  I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son.  I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing.  I want to have energy and confidence.  I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.

I invite you to join me on this journey.  Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated.  Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me.  So I know exactly what I need to do.  I've done weight watchers.  I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc.  I had a personal trainer in the past.  I know I need to be active.  What I need is the will.  The action.  I have cookbooks.  I know how to make healthy meals.  I know what foods are healthy and what are not.  I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge.  Its about action.  And, I am ready to take that action.  Of course, I will struggle.  I will make mistakes.  But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it.  I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old.  Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together.  So, here goes...rebirth at 40.  April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.  

Where Are the "Best" Teachers?

No to beat a dead horse, but the buzz about the article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune this week about Minneapolis Public Schools infuriates me.  It infuriates me not only because it is a direct insult to myself, my profession and my abilities as a teacher as well as my choices of where to work and my work ethic and so much more, but because it is taking complex information and making it overly simplified.  I posted a link on facebook to a very well written response to the article from a teacher at Bethune Elementary in Minneapolis, which is the school mentioned in the article as being the poorest school and having the worst teachers.  Of course, the writers of the article base that statement on an extremely complex teacher/school rating system which I am not even going to begin to go into now.

What I want to explain is the simple data and look at what the data really tells us about teachers and schools and who truly is 'the best'.  On the Minnesota Department of Education website, in the data and analytics section you can down load excel spread sheets of any assessment data for any school and compare the data yourself.  Being the data geek that I am, I know and use this site often.  So, I pulled the data for the MCA Reading tests for 2013 and 2014.  For those of you who don't know, the MCA is the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessment, a standardized test given to every public school student in Minnesota every spring.  Important to note here too is that the MCA went through a major overhaul in 2013 to line up with the Common Core standards which are much more rigorous than the previous state standards.  Basically, the MCA got a heallovaot harder from 2012 to 2013.  (If you want more of an explanation of this, let me know, I am happy to go into it...but its rather complex and not very interesting.  Just trust me, the test got harder.  A lot harder.)

I looked at Bethune's test scores for 2013 and 2014 and compared them with Hale's.  Before I get into the data, here's some information about the two schools taken directly from their websites and Minneapolis Public School's website.

Bethune's population is 100% free and reduced lunch-100% of the students live in poverty.  At Hale, only 10% do.  At Bethune, 4% of the population (which is already 100% poverty) is also English Language Learners-kiddos whose first language is not English.  At Hale, its 2%.  Bethune's Special Education population makes up 22% of its already free and reduced lunch population.  Hale has 10% Special Education kids.

So, just looking at that, what does it tell you?  The teachers at Bethune are working with a much more complex, challenging, lower academic level, lower economic level population than Hale.  They are essentially starting the race ten minutes after Hale begins.

Now, let me tell you what I found.  I looked at the 3rd graders MCA scores from 2013 and the 4th graders MCA scores from 2014 to see what growth was made in both schools.  Notice I am focusing on GROWTH not how many kids meet or exceed standards.  If you start out with a class where every single student you have is two or three years below grade level, you will not get all of them caught up in one year when dealing with the social, emotional, physical, and developmental needs of the kids as well.
******Note on test scores, the first number is the grade level, the second number is the actual test score ranging from 0-99 with being Meeting Standards.  Again, I am more than happy to explain more of this to you, but I am not going to go into it now...************

The average score for Bethune's 2013 3rd graders MCA Reading was 325.2. In 2014 those same kids, now 4th graders, had an average score of 428.1 which means they increased an average of 3.1 points.  So, they GREW, 3.1 points.  

The average score for the 2013 4th graders was 428.1.  In 2014 as 5th graders, their average was 534.9, an increase of 6.8 points on average.  Again, GROWTH.  And that is BIG growth.

There was growth, but according to the powers that be, the growth wasn't enough because the kids are still below standards.  

Now, lets look at Hale, the school with the stronger population.   In 2013 Hale's 3rd graders average score was 366.4.  That says the majority of the students are above grade level.  In 2014 as 4th graders, the average score was 462.0.  Again way above grade level.  But...the scores dropped by 4.4 points.  Dropped.  As in, got lower.  But to the powers that be, that doesn't matter because the kids are above the standards.

So the teachers with the poorest families, most challenging behaviors, most inconsistent attendance, lowest academic levels, actually made the most growth...

I leave you with the question I started with...where are the "best" teachers? 

Yes I know I only looked at one class in two different schools...my point is, shouldn't we change the way we define successful teachers and schools based on growth?  Shouldn't every single child in every single school be expected to grow academically each school year regardless of where they start out?  Growth matters.  When I have some extra time, I may do the same comparison with other schools...but that's a big undertaking for a crazy single mom working in an inner city school....so it might be a long time coming... :)

Slam into the 21st Century Personalized Ornament Makers!

Yes.  This will be rant.  You have been warned.  Every single Christmas the reality of the nation's definition of family hits me when I get a catalog from the company Personalized Creations.  You see it too when you go to the mall or state fair and see those kiosks were the proudly display and sell personalized ornaments or figurines or puzzles or whatever you want with you and your loved ones' names hand written on them.  Here's the deal personalized creations people, not all families are made up of only white faces.  Not all families have faces of all the same hue in them.  Not all families are made up of a mom, a dad, and a kid or two who look like them.  Not all grandparents have grandkids with peachy faces, blue eyes, and golden locks of hair.  Some families are proud of the diversity they have in hair color, skin tone, eye color, gender, etc and want to celebrate and commemorate those traits in a yearly tradition of getting an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree or wherever.  My family has a set of grandparents (my parents) who are white and their four children, again who are white.  Two of those children are married, two are not.  Then they have eight beautiful, adored grandchildren.  Two are lovely red headed, pale complected, girls with blue eyes; one tall, handsome copper skinned Native American and African American boy with thick, coarse black hair; one tall, handsome; pale boy with brown eyes and brown/blonde hair and freckles sprinkled across his nose; one tall, skinny, caramel colored boy with brown hair and striking light hazel eyes, one short, dark chocolate boy with dark brown eyes and dark, nappy, curly hair; one light caramel creamy skinned boy with big brown eyes, almost blonde tightly curled hair; and one light nutter butter boy with straight, thick brown hair with random red and blonde highlights and beautiful brown eyes.  We would love to be able to find an ornament that celebrates this diversity, but we can't.  As a single mom, I can't even find one that honors just me and my son as a family.  Yeah, can't do the family ones with the last name, because our last names are different.  The ornaments that have just two faces on them are obviously couples.  The family designed ones look like something's missing if you don't have at least three of the round faces.  How hard would it be to create more current designs that reflect the diversity of modern families.  I mean, really?  I am happy to design them if you need some ideas....

Sure, keep blaming the teachers, why not?

For the last two decades or so, as public education in the United States keeps getting worse and worse, the teachers keep getting the blame.  Its our fault kids don't meet state standards on standardized state assessments and national standards based on nationally normed exams.  What no one talks about is the fact that the only thing teachers control at any level within the classroom is...well...nothing.  Standards and tests and levels and curriculum are set and chosen by people higher up the educational food chain and pay scale than we are, mostly by people who have never ever been a teacher of the content or grade level that they are choosing or creating the curriculum or standards for.  We, the folks who work with the kids all day, every day, year in and year out, are not considered experts at our craft or content or management.  We have to get our directives from those powers that be that I previously mentioned.  And, those directives can be sure to change every two to four years or change when a new power that be takes control and that person has a stake in some new fangled way of teaching Math, or Science, or Social Studies, or penmanship...oh wait, that got tossed out.  Kids don't need to know how to write or sign their names, we live in a digital age!  That is, unless they want to fill out a job application or sign a legally binding document...but that's not important.  

Why do teachers leave the chaos that is the educational system in the US?  Especially in urban areas?  Because we can't take it anymore.  The expectations are too high with zero voice and zero support.  For example, in several schools I have worked at personal safety is a real issue.  Urban middle school students have a lot of issues going on in their hormone and emotion filled bodies and when they snap-and snap they will under the pressure of life-its the teachers who feel it.  Sure there are "Behavior Deans" and "Security" personnel at high poverty urban schools.  The issue is that there are not enough of them.  In the five different urban schools I have been in, none of them had a system in place to actually prevent violence or protect teachers and staff.  Its only by the grace of God that I haven't been hurt or been in a situation where a student got hurt because of rampage of another student in my classroom.  "Well, why don't you just call for help?" you ask, with an accusing tone in your voice.  Well gee, why didn't I think of that?  I DID call for help.  My coworkers DID call for help.  Dozens of times.  We called the behavior team number, we called each secretary in the office, we called the social worker, we called the special education teachers, we called every single number in the entire school directory to get help...and guess what?  No one picked up the phone.  This is not an isolated incident.  It doesn't just happen to me.  Teachers are completely unsupported in certain situations and left without any sense of back up.  Its a very scary place to be-to be responsible for 25-35 young lives with no back up.  Its a feeling of complete helplessness and fear that you can do nothing about.  There is always some reason for no one coming...they were dealing with another discipline issue....they were at lunch duty....they were out of the building...they were away from their desk for a meeting...there isn't enough staff...there isn't enough money...and on and on and on.  Its only a matter of time before something truly tragic happens when one of those kids snap in a classroom and teacher calls for support and no one answers and no one comes.  Then what?

As outsiders look at the data for high poverty schools and the so called 'ratings' and 'teaching ability' of those teachers, do they consider these factors?  Do they consider other factors?

For example, I was teaching in a high poverty school where I had to use a curriculum that was designed to be taught in a 90 minute class period.  I had 50 minutes.  Students were expected to use this very expensive online computer program and record themselves reading.  This highly effective program required the use of headphones and microphones.  That worked.  I didn't have any.  I requested them.  Oh, there's no money for that, you have to work with what you have or buy your own.  This curriculum also expected each student to have a workbook/textbook that they wrote in every single day.  Its a very interactive program where students need to highlight, mark text, answer questions, use graphic organizers, etc IN the workbook.  Yeah, there was only enough money for five or ten workbooks. So, not only could students NOT write in the required workbook at all but we didn't have enough for every student to have one book at the same time.  Just make copies for the other kids, right?  Um, have you seen the copy budget or the actual copiers in urban schools?  Not gonna happen.  If the copier is working and doesn't run out of toner or jam every other job, its a good day.  The other component of this program was independent reading.  Students had to read books at their reading level for 20 minutes a day.  Where did these books come from?  Yeah, no where.  The program also had lovely audio books the kids could listen to.  But yeah, no CD players or headphones were available.  That year, I spent a small fortune on my classroom.

Of course, when test scores came back, my kids made gains but certainly not the gains the district or school expected.  Oh I also forgot to mention that there was a knock down, drag out fight probably once a week....and attendance was spotty at best...and kids kept choosing to switch classes...and my class became the behavior dumping ground rather than reading intervention course....and parents didn't come to conferences or return calls or sometimes even have the same phone number for more than a week..but none of that is considered.  I am expected, as the teacher of these kids who are below grade level, to catch them up.  Build relationships with them.  Have high expectations.  Teach like a champion.

Reality is, my time teaching in urban schools always felt like I was attempting to swim across the ocean with no arms.  But, I am expected to make it across faster than the person swimming in a climate controlled pool, with googles, a wet suit, flippers, a cheering squad, and every other possible support and resource known to swimming.  

We have to look at the whole picture when looking at the job teachers do.  We have to look from the top down and the inside out.  We have to consider every aspect of the job and the classroom and the school before we compare teachers or decide who is the best and who is the worst.  I'd love to see some of those bad teacher blaming folks who think they can do it better to take a month in some of the classrooms I have been in.  If you can do it better, then do it.  Otherwise work to support teachers.  Encourage teachers.  Reform schools.  Call on administrators and school boards to change their policies.  Demand better resources and support for the teachers.

Operation Radical Simplification #1

Since my days of forced simple living from 1999-2000 with Team Voltron for Mission Year I have been dabbling in the discipline of simplicity.  As I have gotten older and lived more I realize every single day how much stuff I have accumulated and how truly meaningless 95% of that stuff is.  American culture is a consumer driven culture.  We, as good citizens, are expected to fuel our economy and help create jobs and wealth by making sure we participate in our economy.  The problem is, its all gotten completely out of hand.  We have become a throw away society.  We get rid of stuff not because its no longer useful or its been used up but simply because we don't like it anymore.  The pattern on the couch doesn't compliment those we see on television or in magazines.  Trends change so our decor must keep up.  Same with our clothes, beauty products, shoes, rugs, picture frames, cars, houses, bedding, plates, cookware, socks, etc.  Its really ridiculous when you think about it.  In our global society that is media driven and saturated with information every single person in ht United States is woefully aware of how other people around the world live on much, much less than we do.  The crazy thing is, we usually feel pity for those poor souls with no expendable income to buy more clothes, shoes, video games, and random crap to sit around on our coffee tables, counters and shelves to make us look chic.  I don't feel pity for those people.  I am envious of their freedom.  Of course, I am talking about people who have food, shelter, running water, etc....well maybe not even running water...but people who are able to live with less and be content.  And be happy.

This year I am consciously starting Operation Radical Simplification.  I have done tons of reading, tons of soul searching, tons of thinking on the topic and now, I am moving closer to where I want to be.  Before I moved into my home just over a year ago, I went through a major purge.  I am in the process of doing that again now.

It's taken me a while to get going with the actual removal of stuff from my home because of the guilt I felt.  My house is full of gifts people have given me and stuff that I have foolishly spent my hard earned money on over the years.  Again, the vast majority of that stuff is truly meaningless to me at this point in my quest for simplicity.  Please don't be offended or misunderstand me.  I understand that some stuff holds a great deal of meaning for people  I have books that I will never part with.  I have gifts from friends-like a small statue of three cats that my coworker Tasha gave me during my first year of teaching in Chicago, pictures in frames that I love, a yellow flowered napkin holder that holds endless happy memories from my childhood days visiting my Aunt Amy and Uncle Pete.  But there are also many, many things that simply have no meaning for me any longer or were bought during a random phase in my life or were bought simply to decorate.  Again, decorating is fine, but I want my decor to be simple and intentional.  I don't want a house full of stuff that just sits around with no real purpose.  Of course, I will have some things around and I will choose those items carefully and with intention.  And, some things will inevitably end up in a box to be kept in storage because they still have meaning for me but I don't want them out.  Eventually, my goal is to even let go of those things that sit in boxes in the shed.

I've been struggling with this shift to minimalist simplicity for a long time because it is completely counter cultural.  For the last six weeks stores have been full of Halloween decorations.  Now, they are full of Christmas decorations.  While at WalMart today (generally I don't shop at WalMart but my mom wanted bath rugs that were there, so there I was) I had a hard time not stocking on up on clearance Halloween stuff and getting some Christmas decor for this year.  But I stopped myself and I thought about it...and when I really, truly think about it, I don't want any of that.  I don't want to take the time or spend the money on changing my decor for the seasons. I'd rather use my money to provide food, shelter, clothing, education or hope in some way to the world.

This journey has been a long journey because it is so counter cultural.  To choose to live simply and to choose to reject consumerism and cultural expectations of stuff is hard.  Every day I see the decorations, I see the new trends, I hear people discussing their plans for redecorating, I see the cute, fun stuff at Target or wherever I am, I see the endless ads that pop up on facebook and get the daily emails of great deals that are in my future to make my life better.  I'm focusing my heart, soul and mind on realizing that the stuff they are selling will not make my life better.  Its stuff that will take my money, take my time, and add to stuff in my life and home I have to take care of.

My goal is for every thing within my home to be one of the following: useful or meaningful and lasting.  Useful means it is something I have used within the last year.  There are things that we all have that we don't use every day-or even every month-but they are still useful and worth keeping around.  My cookie press for example, only comes out at Christmas time for baking.  My pie plates are used mostly at Thanksgiving.  My extra casserole dishes are used only sometimes.  But even with that stuff, as I am going through this process I am being strict with myself.  If it hasn't been used in a year, it needs to go.  And then the flip side comes in, when shopping, I need to be intentional as well.  I have to limit myself to only purchasing something that I know I will use immediately and repeatedly.  And if there is any question as to the object in question's true usefulness, it needs to stay in the store.

I also want everything in my home to bring me joy.  That is going to take longer to make happen because it will involve carefully, intentionally saving up money to buy furniture that will be lasting and useful.  That requires a lot of planning, measuring, and shopping around.

I have no idea how long this process will take or what the end result will be...but I am on my way...today there are three big bags of clothing/blankets/etc and a couple of boxes of other stuff to be given away...

Failure IS an Option

In July of 2008 a close friend and I started a tradition of meeting once a year to reflect on the year and to set goals for the upcoming year together so we could hold each other accountable and therefore, be more likely to reach our goals.  This year was our 6th accountability day.  Yes day.  We meet at Caribou and start out b reading the reflections and goals from the prior years and then write a reflection on the last year, then we set new goals and share them with each other.  There is true vulnerability and honesty between us so we allow plenty of time to discuss and share with one another.  Its been a profoundly interesting experience.  Each year, we have set some of the same basic goals-get financially stable, eat better, lose weight, etc, etc, etc.  At this point in time, she is at the highest weight she has been since we started meeting and I am still horrible with my finances and haven't set or stuck to a budget.  We have made progress in other areas though, in the goals that we set that were very specific.  For example, last year one of my goals was to host a holiday dinner/event for my family and I did, indeed succeed!  I even hosted TWO-Christmas Eve and Easter with success.  She had successes as well.  However, the two biggest goals showed up every year with little to no progress. 

Today as I was sharing my reflection, she looked over at my paper and noticed that next to each of last year's goals I wrote in all capital letters:  FAIL.  Of course, next to the one about hosting holiday dinners I put a check mark or smiley face or something.  When she noticed my FAIL note by each of the unmet goals, she looked at me with a sad face and said that wasn't very nice.  She was super encouraging and said, "you tried", etc, etc, etc.  I responded, "but that is what I did.  I FAILED.  I failed to meet my goals."

This brief exchange got me to thinking about how we address failure in our culture.  In schools, we adopted the No Child Left Behind law which has that goal of all kids meeting standards, no one failing.  Before my friend got to our meeting, I overheard a group of ladies complaining about how their kids are just passed on to the next grade or next class regardless of their academic progress or ability or learning because of the law.  As a teacher, I am all to familiar with this.  In kids' sports, every kid gets trophy for participation in sports.  The blessing of failure has been killed.

Blessing of failure?  Yes.  By failing you learn what you can and cannot do.  You learn what hard work really means.  You learn to re-evaluate your actions so that you can meet your goal, or you adjust your goal to meet your abilities and needs.  I fear we have become people addicted to mediocrity and every body wins philosophy in the name of encouragement and building self esteem.  But...but telling kids everyone is a winner and rewarding all abilities the same, aren't we, in fact, harming self esteem by creating unrealistic self images? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to degrade or insult kids or start emphasizing the losers in a situation.  But kids need to learn early on that failure is an option. They can be unsuccessful.  That is reality.  There will more than likely be someone better than them at something at some point in their life-which is good!  If they fail, and its handled correctly, its not a shameful, embarrassing, paralyzing experience.  Its empowering.   By not winning all their games, the kids learn the importance of practice.  By not passing a class, they learn the importance of homework or paying attention or not being on their friggen cell phones all day long instead of focusing on learning.  By not making the team, the learn that they are better at a different sport or-gasp-they are a musician instead of an athlete (and vice versa). 

We need to adjust our thinking about failure to see it as what it is: a part of life.  No one is perfect.  No one excels at everything.  By failing we learn.  We adjust.  Or at least we should...since no one is failing anymore, is anyone really succeeding?

The key word in the phrase is OPTION.  It's not inevitable.  You don't have to fail, but it is possible.  It is an option you can CHOOSE.  Failure isn't some obscure, random event that happens.  Its a consequence of actions.  Why did I fail to meet my goals?  Because I didn't do the work to achieve those goals.  Of course circumstances beyond our control can impede our progress.  I had an unplanned pregnancy and got laid off from jobs.  These events were unexpected and threw a wrench into my plans.  My friend's husband had a stroke and ended up losing his company and was unable to work causing financial ruin. That impeded her progress.  But, do these events release us from all responsibility?  No.

Being unemployed for the periods of time I was should have (and could have) been times of incredible growth and progress for me.  Being pregnant could have (and should have) been strong motivation to eat better, exercise and save money.  But they weren't.  I used them as excuses to fail.  And, people around me let me.  We are so afraid of being honest with people regarding life progress and meeting goals that we have become the failure killers.  And, by killing failure, we enable cycles of non growth and non progress.  Its time to realize and accept that failure is an option and face it in healthy, motivating, honest ways. 

This realization today helped us to address our goals in a different way. We are focusing on three words for this year:  Planning, Discipline and Choice.  These three actions are the key to success...more on this later...