dating after 30 really sucks...

I've never been good at dating.  I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college.  I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing.  One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled.  One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now.  And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more.  Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them.  Times of just lots of random dating and hookups.  Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date.  I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee.  I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom.  And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective.  I like my life.  I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats.  I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy.  A quiet weekend at home is fine with me.  I don't want drama.  I don't want casual hook ups.  I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.

In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.'  That always bugs me.  If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it.  So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message.  I said something like, "What's the deal?  Are you a stalker?  Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me."  He responded and we started talking.  It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him.  He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality!  We actually had real conversations.  There was flirting.  It was interactive and fun.  If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone.  He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore.  Then...poof.  He disappeared.  No response from him.  No contact.

Until December.  He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want?  Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized.  He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues.  And he was going to court to get custody of his son.  And he was moving.  He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me.  Hmmmm....okay.  I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast.  Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not?  May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.

We met at Perkins for breakfast.  He hugged me when we met.  Took my coat.  Waited to sit down until I did.  Let me order first.  Was kind and friendly to the waitress.  We flirted.  We talked.  We laughed.  It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time.  He got my coat for me.  Opened the door for me.  Held me hand as he walked me to my car.  Was full of compliments and everything.  We shared dating horror stories.  Talked about our kids.  He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again.  We had another date planned...for the next week.  But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof!  He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him.  But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out.  We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date.  Dinner.  We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night.  Noticed I said were....got cancelled again.  Due to baby mama drama.  When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead.  Hence the cancellation.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up.  I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions.  "He's playing you."  "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now."  "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December."  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I told him I was disappointed.  I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies.  He apologized.  Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me.  For now...I'll believe him.

But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay.  Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient.  When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...

Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me.  I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard.  I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust.  Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him.  He has sent me pictures from the airport.  Videos of his bike race.  Pictures of him training for his races.  Why can't I just accept what he says as true?  Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself?  Is it about my own insecurity?  Do my questions really have anything to do with him?  Probably not.

As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...