pre-natal depression

Funny thing about getting knocked up by an ex completely unexpectedly is that the emotional roller coaster is unexplainable and leaves one feeling...well...not exactly motherly. Over the last two weeks I have lost the excitement and joy that pending motherhood should bring. The loss of that joy has brought on feelings of guilt. What kind of person becomes depressed when they are in the process of creating a new life? A person who is terrified and alone, that's who. And the hard part is, I don't feel like I am allowed to talk about these feelings without judgment. For example, last night I went to a friend's restaurant to see another friend perform her music. I had not seen these friends since before I became pregnant and, to complicate the situation, I used to be their youth leader at church. Talk about a fall from grace...but that is another story. "Are you excited?" was a question I have been asked often over the last 11 weeks when people hear I am pregnant. My response has always been, "yes, of course! Its great!" But last night, I just couldn't lie. When asked that question, I responded, "Honestly? No, I am not excited, I am terrified." The topic of conversation was quickly changed due to the awkwardness felt by all. Oh well.

Pregnancy is meant to be a journey shared by two people who join together to create a life out of their shared love and is usually a joyful, expectant, exciting time. Unfortunately, the pregnancy journey of a single mother is bittersweet, especially if that single mother, like myself, happens to be unemployed and the baby daddy is 450 miles away developing a new relationship with another woman, blissfully uninvolved in the tensions the mother is facing every day.

As time passes and the pregnancy continues, the pressure and changes continue to mount. My clothes are starting to get snug, my bras don't exactly fit right anymore and I know this is just the beginning of a very long journey. I don't have money to buy maternity clothes just yet, so I am hoping to be able to squeeze into my regular clothes a while longer. To add to the depression, last year I joined a gym and started working out to lose weight. It went well, I lost 40 pounds. My clothes became loose. That bought me some time because slowly over the last month, those clothes have begun to fit again but now are becoming snug. Its like all that work I did to lose weight was meaningless. I no longer have control over my own body.

My entire life has changed because of this pregnancy and I am not completely overjoyed about those changes. This is not to say that I am not happy I am going to have a child. I am happy, but I also have a million other negative emotions running around inside me as well. Fear is one. How am I going to be able to provide for this child? How am I going to be able to prepare for this child? I also feel a sense of loss too. Loss of my freedom and the life I had, and the dreams I had. Shortly before I became pregnant I had come to terms with the idea of never having children. I decided I would be content as an aunt to the many, many children in life, helping their parents in whatever way I could and developing relationships with those children I care so deeply about. I have never felt a strong desire to procreate or bear children but here I am, pregnant. Ironic, eh?

I know that this child is a blessing and I know, deep in my heart that things will be okay for us and that God will work things out in amazing ways. Right now, I have no idea how that will happen and it causes fear and depression to take over my heart sometimes.