Seriously? Is there something in the water?

Once again, I am minding my own business, leading my life, getting ready for my kiddo to join the world, not contacting anyone with a penis for any reason whatsoever and in the last two days-THREE EXES have contacted me. Of course, one is kind of expected-that would be baby daddy. But, for the last three months I haven't heard a word from him then all of a sudden over the past week, he's mister chatty cathy calling and texting on a regular basis, offering to buy baby furniture. Of course, nothing has materialized out of that yet. The second was Beautiful Dreadlock Man (BDM) who has since cut off his locks, which is beside the point. The reason for his contact? To propose marriage. Yes, he is fully aware that I am currently knocked up by The Ex and he offered to be my baby daddy, if I move to Baltimore to be with him. Mind you, I haven't seen the man in almost a year and when I informed him of my pregnancy, he went off on me and told me every evil thought a person could ever have about another person and everything I never wanted to know about myself-which he has done on more than one occasion. Of course, he apologized for that, a few times. During this conversation, he informed me that since we dated he compares everyone he meets to me and is 'addicted' to me. His words, not mine. Went on and on and on about how cute I am, how we have such great, deep conversations, blah blah blah. I informed him that I am not moving to Baltimore nor am I committing myself to marry a man I haven't seen in over a year after such a tumultuous time we did have together. The next offer from him was this-he wants to come to Minneapolis and stay with me for a few weeks to see if he can find a job, how we work out, then possibly move here so we can be one big happy family. I was like, yeah sure, knock yourself out. Its not going to happen because I strongly believe the idea came out of a drunken and pot fueled stupor. Since the offer was made, I have not heard from him. So much for a wedding in my future! Last, but not least, is the DJ. We dated off and on for a year, after lots and lots of drama ended things. He informed me during our relationship that he wasn't ready for anything serious and just didn't have time to devote to me. Yet, less than a month after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. Interesting how one finds the time all of a sudden? Tonight, he sent me a text. "How ya doin, K?" What the hell is that all about? I have made it perfectly clear that he and I are not friends and that I want nothing to do with him, so why does he feel the need to contact me? When he informed me of his new girlfriend, I informed him that he could take a flying leap off the edge of a short cliff with his insecure, lying ass and never contact me again. Yet, here he is. Along with the others....creeping back into my life. For what? Honestly, I don't get it.

The crazy thing is, this happens about every three months or so. You can read about it in past blogs. Perhaps I need to change my phone number. Every three months or so, all of my exes (the major exes anyway) contact me within a week of each other. I do not contact them. I don't even have their phone numbers (except baby daddy for obvious reasons). Yet, they keep mine and contact me at seemingly random intervals. Perhaps there is a cosmic link that needs to be explored. Maybe the stars align every three months and the fates send a message to all my exes to contact me and torment me.

Define Petty

Friday, April 04, 2008

define petty Current mood: amused Category: Friends I have a friend who stays with me off and on for several reasons. First my place is nicer than theirs, my neighborhood is more fun, i have tons of space, i am closer to work, etc etc etc.... Seriously this person has been staying with me at least two to three nights a week for the last two years or so. Honestly I usually like having someone around to talk to, hang with, etc. Most of the time its not a big deal. I, of course, have had many years of experiences with roommates that ranged from wonderfully fun experiences to tragically hellish states of chaos...and of course, a roommate is different than a house guest that doesn’t really leave but doesn’t pay rent. hence the present conundrum I face. Over the time my friend has visited, they have never offered to pay for random incidentals that they consume. For example, toothpaste, milk, general groceries, lotion, laundry detergent etc etc etc. As I said before, generally not a big deal, I am easy going and generous and I truly believe in reciprocity. Now, this person is not s ranging lunatic scavenging my house for scraps of everything-they have been known to bring dinner over, provide beer, help with random projects, do laundry, blah blah blah. Well, I recently got into this routine of making myself an egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel for breakfast every morning. Fills me up, gives me energy, all is good and right in the world. Well, my random house guest helps themself to my food as well, which again, normally not a big deal...but this morning-keep in mind its my first week back at school after spring break AND i just started my period so I am cranky-well, this morning I went to make my breakfast and you guessed it... MY LAST EVERYTHING BAGEL WAS GONE! Now i was pissed, but I took a deep breath, and calmed down to keep from over reacting, after all it is just a bagel, right? So, i gently say to my guest and friend "hey, would you mind not eating the last bagel next time because I have one for breakfast every morning and I would appreciate it if it was there when I needed it" there was no negative tone, no snottyness, nothing. Well....the happy house guest FRIGGEN FREAKED OUT AT ME. i am not kidding, it turned into a crazy, maningless fight where I was accused of making a big deal out of nothing, blah blah blah....i, was not making a big deal at all...I was simply staking my claim over MY BAGEL IN MY HOUSE. My guest has now decided that i am ’petty’. Use my internet, watch my cable, use my washing machine, eat my food, never offer to help with bills, drink my soda, consume my toothpaste, lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, etc....for years without me saying a word....and I ask NICELY that you not eat the last friggen bagel....and I AM PETTY? WHAT THE?????????????

random connections 11.24.08

didn't date much until the last ten years or so for various reasons. I was shy, busy, just not interested in dating really. Then I started dating and was in a serious relationship for about five years. Of course, during that five years, the relationship wasn't always serious so I did some other dating then too. Oh and the relationship wasn't exactly healthy, honest or great either, so I dated some when the relationship was supposedly serious too-because well, he did too. Of course that doesn't make it okay but its the reality. Well, I've been "officially" single again for about a year now-give or take a month or two. Before this whole dating period in my life started, I was really content being single. I loved living alone, I kept busy with friends and family, I did a lot on my own. I didn't feel strange or discontent being alone. I was spiritually solid, emotionally solid, and content.

Then the floodgates of hell opened up. I started dating and being intimate with people. I liked the attention, I liked the feeling and in all of that, I lost myself. But I digress, I will write more about that whole experience at another time, this writing is about the randomness of life lately....

So, after not having anyone really pursue me or show a strong interest in me romantically for the first 27 or so years of my life, I blossomed I guess. And dated. A lot. During the last 12 months, I went out with a few different guys. Nothing much happened with any of them, relationships just didn't blossom into anything serious. I hadn't talked to any of them in months or at least weeks. Well, within the last week, five of the men I dated in the last year who I do not talk to any longer, contacted me.
Out of the blue.

Random.

Why do they do that? Why do men let a woman go then once she actually moves on, boom they contact her and expect her to drop everything and jump with joy that they have returned? Its bizarre. One, who lives in Chicago, and I went on ONE actual date with, honestly asked me to be in a long distance committed relationship with him....seriously? Are you crazy?

Another contacted me, after I had not talked to him for three weeks and told him I didn't want to see him anymore and said all the right things, he said he wanted a relationship, to start over as-in his words-"a new couple." One would assume that a couple means exclusive right? Well two days after this declaration of commitment I asked for clarification by simply saying, so we are exclusive right?

No was his answer. Well how the hell can you start out as a new couple and not be exclusive?

What is wrong with men today? Seriously. I'm tired of all of it. I think its time to join a nunnary.

The Ex Files....

As of Sunday night, all of my exs from the last three years have contacted me in a week. The incredibly ironic thing is, this happens every six months or so. Sunday night, THE EX from Chicago contacted me via yahoo messenger. Yahoo messenger was how we met and it was always a thorn in the side of our relationship because THE EX always had lots and lots of friends on yahoo messenger. I use the term friends very very loosely. At one point in time, I saw his messenger list and it was divided into states and under each state category there were at least five women listed. I don't recall if all fifty states were categories but you get the point. Lots and lots of friends. This continued throughout the entire five years of our relationship. On my list, I had only family and a couple of college friends. Literally, at the most, I had ten people. The last time I had heard from him was a text message and email on my birthday, April 17th. Our conversation Sunday night started out friendly enough. He asked how I was doing, I said shitty. He asked why, I explained what is going on with my job situation, etc. He said that sucks, and then said, "if you were here I would take you to Lou's for pizza, then Cafe Jumping Bean for coffee and bring you some wine."

Lou Malnatis is a pizza restaurant in the North Lawndale neighborhood of Chicago's westside that is my favorite restaurant on the planet. I have strong sentimental ties to that specific location and they have kick ass thick crust Chicago style pizza and cheddar cheese cubes-which are deep fried, breaded, cubes of smooth cheddar cheese goodness that you can not get anywhere else. Cafe Jumping Bean is an eclectic coffee shop in the Pilsen neighborhood of Chicago on 18th near the former blue line now pink line stop. That cafe also has a deep place in my heart and is my favorite cafe in all the world. The EX was trying to be sweet and supportive, but I lost it.

My response to his kindness was, "no you wouldn't." He said, why are you being so mean, of course I would. I said, no I am saying I wouldn't allow you to take me to those places.

My heart is still fairly raw from the break up with this man from 18 months ago. See, THE EX, is the first man I ever truly loved and ever honestly thought I would marry, settle down with, and build a family with. We spent five years together. He met my family and became an intimate part of my life. My nephew Phoenix still asks about him, which breaks my heart because he loved THE EX and THE EX truly enjoyed spending time with him and all of the kids in my life, which is one of the many reasons why I loved him. He literally played with the kids. He took Kjarra, my niece, to a Bulls game when she visited me. He too Malcolm, my nephew, fishing at Humbolt Park when he visited Chicago. He spent the day downtown with Kjarra, Julia, Phoenix and me when I had the three of them stay with me for a week.

To hear him say that he wanted to comfort me during this insanely stressful time of my life brought up all the emotions from the day I left Chicago a year ago. THE EX did not ask me to stay in Chicago. He had six months to make a choice and ask me to stay in Chicago. Did he ever once ask me to stay? No. Not a word. Nothing so much as a, "Ill miss you Kiki." He let me go. He didn't fight for me or our relationship therefore he has no right to now try to comfort me and play that emotional russian roulette with my heart. During this yahoo conversation, I went off on him and told him that I can not handle the emotional ups and downs he gives me and he is not allowed to have those conversations with me any more. I essentially told him that I can not have a casual, lets chat when we can and pretend everything is okay between us kind of relationship with him. Its too hard. Too many feelings. Too much history. I did call him the next day and left him a voicemail apologizing for the mean things I said to him. I did not need to bring things to the level that I did, and I apologized for that.

The question remains, how do I let go of him completely? I still have so many feelings for him, so many memories (good and bad). His phone number is one of the few phone numbers I have memorized because I heard it on his friggen voicemail all the time because he never answered his phone. When will his phone number leave my memory?

Random Boomerangs

Over the past two years, I have dated a few men. While I was actually 'dating' each of them, things were okay but, me being who I am, I got bored and moved on fairly quickly. Of course, the exception to that would be A-the big ex of five years. I am not 100% sure I have completely moved on from him yet. There are still some remnants of him swimming around in my heart, but I digress. Over the last month or so, four of the men I have dated in the last two years have contacted me. Out of the blue. Three of them are out of state-two in Chicago, one in Baltimore.

The 3rd, who I call Thugalicious, is local. He makes it a point to call me about once a month to make sure I am still not interested in dating him. I find it mildly amusing. We have the same conversation every time he calls. He tells me I have a bad attitude and I tell him not to call me then...yet he continues to call.

THE EX emailed and texted me for my birthday on April 17th and then, in a moment of insane desperation, I called him after I got fired to ask him if there was any reason for me to go back to ChiTown. His answer..... nothing. He didn't respond. Same old shit, different day from him.

The really interesting contacts are Chef and Beautiful Dreadlock Man. Chef is a professional chef I dated very briefly in Chicago after The Ex and I broke up. We literally went out on one date. ONE date. He was very randomly in and out of my life and I, quite simply, moved on. He has contacted me several times over the last year since I moved back to Minneapolis. Chef is full of promises and grandiose ideas that generally amount to nothing. For the last year he has talked about coming to Minneapolis to see me. The key word in that sentence is talked. No action. He wants me to make a commitment and promises to him for us to have this incredibly romantic fall in love kind of thing...but I can't. He is 420 miles away and full of words that have yet to led into action.

Number four is BDM (Beautiful Dreadlock Man). We met just after The Ex and I broke up and I was in Minneapolis for job interviews. This man is the only man I have ever met in all of my life that literally gives me butterflies in my stomach. When he and I first met at TGIFriday's in Roseville, I was so nervous I couldn't even look at him. When he touched me, electricity flowed through my veins. He is, in my opinion, beautiful. Soulful brown eyes, soft, gentle, lips, thick, long, dreadlocks. The unfortunate thing about BDM is that he knows he is beautiful and he comes from a certain level of privilege but won't admit it. His parents paid for college for him. His parents paid for him to travel the world after college. Yeah, they had it rough when they were young (his parents) but this man has never been poor. He also thinks he knows all about the oppressive white folks and stuff. We have had some fairly heated disagreements. He returned to Baltimore at the end of 2008 or the start of 2009, I don't remember exactly. Things between he and I did not end well. Yesterday, he contacted me via yahoo messenger. Shocked the hell out of be because he had blocked me from contacting him on yahoo-which was cool with me. I was over it. He was very drama filled and his beautifulness did not make up for his arrogance or the way he talked to me. Oh and he at one time told me that he would only be with me if I got rid of my cats. Um yeah, not gonna happen my friend. Ever.

So, why did he contact me from Baltimore? To apologize. He said he was emotionally unavailable when we were seeing each other and he was a total ass to me and he was sorry. He said I was sweet to him and good to him and he regrets how he treated me and.....he said I'm gorgeous and he misses me and he........wants to try again. um....woah. He offered me a trip to Baltimore so he can show me 'his city".

BDM wants another chance with Kikers. So does Chef Man. And Thugalicious will call soon, I'm sure. And currently I am seeing someone else-MBA. That's what I'll call him because he is currently in the process of getting his MBA so he is always busy which causes a lot of strife between us.

Here is the conundrum: why do these men keep returning? My sisters have said its about sex. But come on, Chef and BDM do not need to contact me from across the nation to get some female attention. And obviously, I am not going to be jumping into bed with them when I am several states away. Both are good looking, professional, sexy, intelligent men who I haven't seen in a year. I have never considered myself a woman with options regarding men. Obviously, I have been incorrect in my evaluation of myself. These guys are not crazy or losers or just looking for sex. BDM has talked about marriage and kids. Chef has talked about moving here to MN because he wants to be with me. Yes, of course, it is just talk-but my question is-what is the point of just talking if there isn't something behind it? I don't contact these guys. In fact, I had deleted all of their contact information. They come to me. The crazy thing too is its not just once they come back then move on. Chef Man has come back at least five times. BDM in on round 3 I think. And even MBA-he is on round 11 or so I think.

The second conundrum is-what do I do with them? Each of them is completely different than the others. My feelings for each of them are completely different than the others. Each has completely different things to offer and I have completely different histories with each of them.

I just turned 33 and lost my job (and possibly my career) in the same week. I am looking for stability and a new start and these men show up as I am in a place where I can literally go anywhere and do anything. I am wide open to possibilities right now and the possibilities keep coming, so how do I choose? Especially when my hearts desire is to have someone to share my life with, to build a life with, to fall in love with and settle down with (or continue the random adventures of life with).....

Why avoid the fam?

I have been dating Anthony off and on since August of 2008.  We began talking as friends in May or June or 2008.  Its now April of 2009.  We know each other well.  We have gone back and forth on the dating spectrum, the ups and downs, the hanging out, the are we 'together' or are we friends' crap...all of it.  My family is important to me.  Okay, okay, my family is VERY important to me.  If you know me, you have met my family and hear stories of them all the friggen time.  Nieces, nephews, sisters, in-laws, brother, MammaRita and DadBill.  All of my life friends have been included on my family adventures.  Dinners, movies, mini golfing, family reunions, birthday parties (both for kids and for adults).  Love me, love my family is a sort of motto I have because I actually enjoy my family.  We laugh together.  We play together.  We fight and bicker and talk shit about each other but when it all comes down to it, we are there for each other.  Especially the kiddos.  I honestly do not know how to even begin to express how much I love Kjarra, Julia, Malcolm, William, Phoenix, Zee and new Kieran.  Sporting events of theirs, orchestra concerts, just hanging out with me for the weekend, I would do anything for them and a happy saturday afternoon for me is spending time with my family celebrating little KFanz's first birthday.  So, why is it that the person I am "building something with has no desire or interest to meet my family?

I have invited him several times.  To events ranging from Thanksgiving dinner to New Years Eve bowling to a random soccer game.  Always he starts out excited, "Yeah that will be fun! " But when the time comes to join me on the adventure of family fun....he bails. I am well aware that my family is odd.  We spend far more time together than anyone else I know.  My sisters are each others best friends.  They used to literally live down the street from my mom.  My brother and I have strayed a little farther from home by venturing into Minneapolis proper from the burbs.  Most American families see each other oh a couple of times a year for fun family events.  We see each other weekly or at least bi weekly.  The man in my life knows this about me.  He knows its important to me.  We have discussed it.  I have told him I want him to meet my family.  I have told him I want him to meet my friends.  He knows this is an essential value to me....so why the refusal to join me?  Why the excuses?  If you can make time to get laid and watch a movie with your girlfriend, you can make time to eat some sloppy joes and drop of a birthday wish to a one year old boy.   He said he'd make it up to me.  My response, I'm not holding my breath.  The point is, there is no way to make this up to me.  A first birthday happens once.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Hockey games, Soccer games, dinners, movies, all of them have been options already.  All have been options denied.  Why?