As I look back over the last eight years of my life, I see a turning point. Of course that turning point was a man who entered my life. It may be hard to believe, but I was not sexually active until I was 26 years old. Yeah yeah yeah, I was old. But I was happy. I was raised in a church going Christian home. I was raised to wait til marriage. I went to a private Christian college. I attended youth group and church regularly where I was assured that waiting for marriage to have sex was the way God intended things to be and...well...I didn't have many offers. Like I said before, I was into other things. Church. School. Friends. My circle of friends and my sphere of life centered around church. I never did the bar scene. I never did the party scene. I met people online and went from there. And I was shy. And I had low self esteem due to the lack of dating experience. Oh add to that the fact that I was living in a new town and figuring things out....then there was Dave.
Dave and I met online via yahoo. We chatted he told me all the things I wanted to hear-I was sexy, he wanted me...blah blah blah. Its hard to believe, but I was a naive 26 year old who bought it hook, line and sinker. Long story short, he came over a couple of times to watch a movie and what not. We made out, kissed, etc. Then one morning-he worked crazy hours-so he would come by for breakfast sometimes. We were making out and all of a sudden he was moving into territory I wasn't ready for or familiar with and before I knew it he was on top of me and inside me. I asked him to stop several times before it got to that point, but he was smooth and he thought I was experienced and I was paralyzed. It was a bizarre feeling, almost an out of body experience. It happened so fast that I honestly didn't know what was going on. I had never been close to having sex before so I was caught off guard and then he got up, put his clothes on and off I went to work. The whole day I was rather stunned, not really knowing what had happened in the predawn glimmer of my apartment. I alternated feeling sick and ashamed and confused so, rather than dealing with the reality that I had just been raped, I took responsibility. I said it was my choice. I said it was my fault. I led him on, I let him into my house, I didn't fight, it wasn't violent so it couldn't be rape. The truth is, that is exactly what it was. It was rape. I said stop. I said no. He continued with his agenda. It was rape by manipulation not force but rape none the less. I didn't know what to do.
In my mind, I was too strong to have been able to be manipulated like that. I couldn't admit the truth of what had happened so I stuffed it inside and decided, well, lets join the game! The next six to nine months of my life were the darkest time of my life to date. I led a double life which will start tomorrow's blog.
