Dreams....which to focus on?

Recently I was depressed and felt very very lost in life so I did what I always do when I feel that way-headed to the bookstore. Literature and books speak to me. I am a book person and don't suggest the library, its a waste of time. I must own books....but I digress. My bookstore jaunts generally follow a routine. First I check out the tables of novels that are on sale from there I wander through the self help section to see if any titles seem to address my current ailment, then a quick walk through the teen/young adults lit-I must keep current for my teaching career-and generally settle in the relgious section. I look through the Christian Fiction to see if anything peaks my interest. Generally speaking Christian Fiction is too fluffy and cheesy for my cynical, jaded experience but I have a few favorite authors and once in a while come across a hidden treasure. After the Christian Fiction, I head to Spirituality and Religion, again looking for titles that may speak to my current empty, lost feeling or to see if there is anything new from any of my time honored favorite spiritual leaders. And there it was. A new book from one of my time honored favorite Christian authors and speakers, Erwin McManus. I have all of his books and have heard him speak several times. Erwin has a way of telling truth and inspiring genuine growth and action that few Christian leaders have. He is brutally honest and very real in what he writes. There is no Christian-lite here, which is why I love him. His works inspire action, rather require action. You really can't walk away from a book of his without moving forward in some aspect of your life.

The book is called WIDE AWAKE and is about living life wide awake and choosing to follow your God given dreams. The key to much of McManus' writing is the word 'choice' which is something else I love-responsibility and empowerment balanced with trusting God. The book called to me and I bought it. The other thing about these books, one can not devour them. They are simply deep and challenge the reader spiritually, intellecutally, and to reflect on your life. So, I've been working through the book about half a chapter a night and I am almost finished, at which time, I will read it again because its that good.

WIDE AWAKE reminded me of my dreams. Not cheesy dreams you have at night, but those dreams that fuel your passion and your life. Dreams that become your calling and inspire you. McManus asks us to rediscover those God given dreams and passions that inspire us, precisely because they are God given. As children of God, we are created for a purpose and should be living our lives wide awake and vibrantly pursuing those passionate dreams that excite us. We should be waking up excited for what the day holds not sadly dreading the trek to a job we simply endure for the sake of a paycheck.

I have experienced both sides of that coin. For more than ten years, I worked simply to work. I did not look forward to going to work. It was a job, not a calling nor a career. And this was in various jobs-customer service, office management, social services, etc. I was good at my jobs but it was just that, a job. A means to an end. A paycheck. Then, I did the work, made the sacrifices I needed to make, and pursued my dream of urban teaching.

My first year of teaching at Marconi Community Academy on the westside of Chicago was the first time in my life that I ever felt like work was not work. I literally could not believe that I was getting paid to teach. I was contacted to work seven hours a day but generally worked at least 12 hours. A co-worker and I were the first people to school in the morning and the last to leave at night. I was challenged. I was inspired. It was not easy by any means. That first year was by far the hardest year of work I have ever done but it did not feel like work. I was in the place God created me to be, pursuing my dreams in line with His created purpose for me. Things did not go smoothly and I transitioned to another school, then another school and things again did not end well so I left teaching.

Since I left teaching, I have been very disillusioned because teaching seemed to be so clearly what I was called to do. I didn't leave teaching of my own accord, I was fired due to lots of messes that you can read about in previous posts. Due to all of this, I was lost. WIDE AWAKE is helping me to refocus and trust God with those dreams again and I am looking into various things.

Part of why I have this hiatus from teaching is because I need to get my Minnesota teaching license in order. Illinois has very different requirements for teaching middle school-which I met but they did not transfer to Minnesota. So, I couldn't take a job that was offered to me to teach middle school reading because my license wasn't right. This, of course, added to my disillusionment with teaching and the education system and its hoops. I began looking for jobs in all fields I had experience in and did not pursue anything related to teaching or related to getting my license in order. In the process of reading WIDE AWAKE, I got refocused and applied to a program to take the classes I need to get my 5-12th grade Language Arts license, met with the program coordinator and make a plan to get things in order. Hopefully I will start classes this winter.

While looking into this education program I came across another program that ignites my passion-a Masters of Fine Arts in Writing. I love writing and have always dreamt of becoming a published writer. This program walks you through the process of making that happen and gives you the experience and education needed to teach college level writing courses. The truly amazing part of the program is the last two semesters. During the last two semesters, I would work with advisors and experienced writers and editors to write a book. Literally, to write a book with the support of a team of people to lead to publishing. So, now I am in a conundrum...which dream do I pursue?

Both teaching and writing have been life long dreams of mine. The teaching license program will take about two years, the writing program-I'm not sure. I love education. I love going to classes but the financial investment is crazy-I already owe more than I should in student loans because of my Master's degree and the roundabout route I took to complete my undergraduate degree. Would the investment be worth it? What would be the best investment of my time and money-especially now that I have the little one to think about.

To become a published writer and a Language Arts teacher-is it overly ambitious to pursue both dreams? Is it asking too much to think that God is calling me to both?

Transitions 7.21.07

Saturday, July 21, 2007

transitions Current mood: contemplative Category: Life Its funny, in the last five years I have accomplished more than I ever really expected. I finally went back to school put my nose to the grindstone and finished my bachelor's degree-in a year thank you very much and with a 3.8 gpa to top it off! Then, on an act of faith I moved to Chicago with friends. I didn't have a job lined up, but knew I needed to be in Chicago. Some of you think it was for Andy but it wasn't. I fell in love with Chicago when I did Mission Year with Lawndale Community Church from 1999-2000 and always wanted to go back and work in Chicago Public Schools. In case you didn't know, CPS (Chicago Public Schools) are a mess...more on that later. Andy was a huge motivating factor but not the reason. So anyway, I moved here without a job and when the going got tough, I got a call about a job. I began my career in Education as a teacher's assistant for Kindergarden class at a private christian school in the inner city. Okay okay stop laughing. Yes, I can do the kindergarden thing and do it very well thank you. I loved my kids. One of my favorite moments is when Phillip came up to me one morning and gave me a great big hug, "Ms. Wymore you smell sooooo good. You smell just like fruit loops!" Nothing beats a kindergardener's hug. But, that job was a stepping stone to becoming a teacher-after that gig I applied to and got accepted to a Master's of Arts in teaching program through the Academy for Urban School Leadership and National Louis University. If you want the 411 on the program, go to www.ausl-chicago.org. I got paid to get my master's degree and learn to be a teacher. I worked 80 or more hours a week-in the classroom full time during the day, in class three evenings a week, and studying, lesson planning, grading papers and sleeping the rest. That led to my graduation in June of 2006-with a 4.0 gpa thank you very much :). Then, I got a job at my first school-Marconi-teaching 8th grade. What a year...Shakespeare, writing...math...so much....but the point of this blog is reflecting on transitions, so I won't go into that. Well, in june I moved out of that classroom and am now looking for a new job-budget cuts cost me my position...wooo hooo gotta love insane CPS. WHEW and that is only half of it...let me summarize-in the last five years I have had five jobs, lived in five different places, and I am tired. I am tired of transitions. My deepest desire right now is to get placed in a school where I can be long term...like ten years or more. And to stay put in my apartment until I can buy a house. Transitions are exhausting. I have no sense of permanence. I am a nomad seeking to put down roots. Do I regret the journey I have taken? NO. NO NO NO a thousand times no. I am deeply grateful for every step of the way that led me to where I am now. I am hoping and praying that those steps, all that hard work and investment, will pay off in the form of permanence. I am ready to committ...to a career, a community and this phase of my life. I am hoping that my 30's are the exact opposite of my 20's. I classify my 20's as my nomadic adventure. I want my 30's to be my settled content learning in one place...and that idea of permanance scares me because it is so foreign to me. Living life means living through transitions...hopefully this transition I am in midst of right now will be my last...at least for a whille :)

Personal paradigm shifts 12.20.07

Paradigm shifts
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

There is this amazing book I am reading called Soul Cravings by Erwin McMannus. BEWARE it is full of deep stuff. The theme of the book is exactly what the title says-what your soul craves. It is divided into sections based on major cravings. In the meaning section, entry 12, McMannus talks about paradigms in a way I haven't ever thought of before. As a teacher, and in my professional customer service life before, I had heard the concept of a paradigm shift before in terms of learning but had never thought to apply to to life. A paradigm is simply a set of truths you accept that form your beliefs about a certain idea, topic, person or thing. Its the unwritten, accepted laws that govern the categories of your brain. As McMannus puts it, "an established framework form which reality is perceived." The problem is, what if our paradigm is established in lies? This is where the complications start-if our paradigm about ourselves is wrong, is rooted in hurt, betrayal, lies, etc-then we blind ourselves to the truth and the new realities we choose to form.

Woah, this is getting deep, eh? well...in reading this in my current life situation-transitional as always-I realized the issue I have in relationships is that the set of beliefs I have about myself are wrong, but they are an established paradigm....so I need to re-establish the paradigm I have that defines myself. The book talks about that too...what you learn and retain in your life is always tied to some emotional experience. So, my early relationships with men were negative and deeply hurtful and those emotions are strong, deep and real, so the ideas associated with those feelings stuck with me. I am not attractive, I am too fat, I am going to be single forever, I am not good enough. Those thoughts form my current paradigm about myself.

So, now its time to change that paradigm. The question, of course, is how does one go about changing that paradigm of beliefs when one is 31 years old and has a history of such hurtful things that have kept her behind a wall, keeping her from experiencing new emotions and realities to replace the wrong ones? Yes, you are right....the wall must come down-piece by piece and be re-established in healthy ways....as a gate rather than a wall. The paradigm has been in the process of change for a long time on a subconscious level, but now that I am aware of what the issue is, I can move forward intentionally to establish a true paradigm-

I am not perfect but I am pretty damn cute though I have some extra weight. I am also intelligent, funny, passionate, fun, generous and beautiful. So, the paradigm shifting....

Colorgenics 3.11.2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Colorgenics... Category: Life My friend Marisa inspired this little activity and, interestingly enough, it seems fairly dead on. You choose colors in order and it spits out this little analysis.... This is mine: Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict. (Um, yeah, ya think? My life has been chaos for too long....) You are full of stress at this time. It would seem that you are having more than your fair share of trials and tribulations and you are looking for a way out. You are not quite sure which way to go but the advice is - 'Stop trying so hard'. (so i guess i just wait and see how things pan out and stop trying to solve the unsolveable problems....) You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot. You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity. You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please (this late statement is right on....its an interesting insight at any rate....)

Martin Luther King jr's Dream 4.04.08

Friday, April 04, 2008

Martin Luther King Jr’s Dream....can it happen? Current mood: contemplative Category: News and Politics Today marks the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King jr’s assassination. Honestly, until this year I hadn’t really thought much about his death, his legacy or what life might be like had this charismatic leader not murdered. Over the last few years I have become personally and acutely aware of the racial, gender and economic divides that permeate american society today. Divides that King, Malcolm X, Kennedy and so many other great leaders were fighting to bridge. I am a white woman who has lived in primarily minority communities for the last five or so years of my life. I have lived in black neighborhoods, puerto rican neighborhoods, working class neighborhoods, drug infested "ghetto" neighborhoods...pretty much all over. The last three years of my life I have worked in schools where all of the students are african american. Today, as I read one of King’s speeches to my 7th grade african american girls, I was struck by how segregated this great melting pot we live in is and how that segregation breeds inequality. Forty years ago King was on the brink of truly dramatic world change...his work, his dream, his passion, takes time to complete. It is not an overnight journey....but I can not help but feel very sad today as I see how separate and unequal things still are in housing, education, jobs, transportation, access to decent grocery stores, simple things like that....and I wonder what to do about it all. I am one person...a white woman...in a profession dominated by white women... Of course we have made strides, legal segregation is ended but left in its wake is defacto segregation so really what is the difference? Why are schools in Chicago still so intensely segregated? Why are the neighborhoods so separated from each other? I told my students today that there is a whole community of people in the city of Chicago that are polish. They speak polish....if you visit their neighborhood you may not be able to talk to people because they only speak polish in some areas. They were DUMBFOUNDED. Had no idea that there were areas like that within their great city....i think next i need to tell them about greektown and china town (chinatown incidentally is literally ten blocks from my school....but i digress....) Racism and discrimination are still very much alive and well in american society. Sometimes it is blatant and sometimes it is subversive, but it is still there. How does a culture that is blend of other cultures define itself and accept one another while still striving for a united state? It seems like an endless conundrum that hurts my heart and head to think about too deeply..

rules of celibacy..

So this whole celibacy thing is harder than I thought. Not that men are begging to be with me or anything like that...I'm just pondering the question what are my rules for this time? Can I go on a date should the opportunity arise? Is flirting ok? What about communicating with exes? What about daydreaming? What about gettin my groove on on my own, if ya know what I mean? I'm all full of the "what ifs" right now. One of the books I picked up on the dating/celibacy issue is called "Every Woman's Battle". For the most part, Christan self help books generally irritate me with their oversimplification and overspiritualization of issues...this one, however, has given me pause for thought. Essentially, the author suggests avoiding any thoughts that could potentially be impure or lead down the slippery slope of lust, fornication and whatnot. She is also all about Gods will, anti Homosexuality and oozes conservativeness in general. My issue here is that I'm not completely convinced that sex outside of marriage is always completely sinful or completely against Gods will (which in and of itself is a whole other can o worms). I've done a great deal of reading and pondering on the whole fornication issue and...I just don't know what the rules are. I get frusurated with the idea that the rules are the same for everyone all the time when clearly we all have different issues, pasts, callings, desires, experiences, etc. Anyhoo, I'm pondering the spiritual implications of sexual as well as emotional intimacy and hoping the Divine one will continue to lead me to a place of reflection and peace within my restless curious soul