Baby Daddy Drama Disintigrating?

After not hearing from the baby daddy since he dropped the bomb about his current relationship not being with me or our child for over a month, we spoke. I called him because I was angry and needed to vent to him and I was in the process of setting up doctors appointments and trying to figure things out that involved him. A few days after my voice mail message, he called back informing me that he lost his phone which is why he took so long to call back. Classic. During the course of our relationship there was hardly a week that went by when his phone wasn't lost, broken, not charged-because he lost the charger or otherwise not working. I jumped right into what I needed to say.

I proceeded to let him know that I am severely disappointed in his actions since I told him I was pregnant with our child and that I was angry at his lack of involvement. I explained that since I found out about the pregnancy, my life has been turned upside down. Every single day I think about this pregnancy. I pray for this baby. I prepare for this baby. My body is changing. I had to tell people about the baby. And he...well...he can choose not to be involved. He is 450 miles away and that is completely unfair.

He was quiet for a minute then, in a very humble voice said, "I'm sorry. I will try to do better."

We then delved into the topic of his relationship and why I was so angry the last time we talked. It seems, I misunderstood what he said about the woman in his life. He met her THIS summer and the relationship has since been progressing. To attempt to get an idea of what the hell progressing means, I asked, "on a scale of 1-10, how serious is this relationship." His response: "5." Then I asked, "do you love her." He got quiet for a minute or so then said, "I like her but no, I do not love her." This was considerably more information than I got from our previous conversation when my questions and astonishment were met with, "its none of your business."

I also asked how involved he wanted to be in this pregnancy and child's life. He seemed genuinely offended by this question. I explained that since he had not called me to see how I or the baby are, had not responded to my emailed ultra sound photos or questions about baby names or nursery themes, did not return my calls, that it seemed pretty clear that his intentions were to not be involved. My statements were again met by a silence, then an apology and a promise to do better.

We then had a cordial conversation and that was that. I had no expectations of anything but sent him the next set of ultrasound pictures and updated doctor appointment dates. And tonight, I got a phone call. Baby daddy says he is going to come to visit sometime in the next month and he would like to buy a dresser/changing table for the baby's room that I found on craigslist. From there, we had a good conversation about how I am doing, what I need and just general life stuff.

Of course, right now, this is all still just talk from him. But, perhaps, he really is choosing to step up and be involved. Perhaps I will have some support from him sooner than I expected.

pre-natal depression

Funny thing about getting knocked up by an ex completely unexpectedly is that the emotional roller coaster is unexplainable and leaves one feeling...well...not exactly motherly. Over the last two weeks I have lost the excitement and joy that pending motherhood should bring. The loss of that joy has brought on feelings of guilt. What kind of person becomes depressed when they are in the process of creating a new life? A person who is terrified and alone, that's who. And the hard part is, I don't feel like I am allowed to talk about these feelings without judgment. For example, last night I went to a friend's restaurant to see another friend perform her music. I had not seen these friends since before I became pregnant and, to complicate the situation, I used to be their youth leader at church. Talk about a fall from grace...but that is another story. "Are you excited?" was a question I have been asked often over the last 11 weeks when people hear I am pregnant. My response has always been, "yes, of course! Its great!" But last night, I just couldn't lie. When asked that question, I responded, "Honestly? No, I am not excited, I am terrified." The topic of conversation was quickly changed due to the awkwardness felt by all. Oh well.

Pregnancy is meant to be a journey shared by two people who join together to create a life out of their shared love and is usually a joyful, expectant, exciting time. Unfortunately, the pregnancy journey of a single mother is bittersweet, especially if that single mother, like myself, happens to be unemployed and the baby daddy is 450 miles away developing a new relationship with another woman, blissfully uninvolved in the tensions the mother is facing every day.

As time passes and the pregnancy continues, the pressure and changes continue to mount. My clothes are starting to get snug, my bras don't exactly fit right anymore and I know this is just the beginning of a very long journey. I don't have money to buy maternity clothes just yet, so I am hoping to be able to squeeze into my regular clothes a while longer. To add to the depression, last year I joined a gym and started working out to lose weight. It went well, I lost 40 pounds. My clothes became loose. That bought me some time because slowly over the last month, those clothes have begun to fit again but now are becoming snug. Its like all that work I did to lose weight was meaningless. I no longer have control over my own body.

My entire life has changed because of this pregnancy and I am not completely overjoyed about those changes. This is not to say that I am not happy I am going to have a child. I am happy, but I also have a million other negative emotions running around inside me as well. Fear is one. How am I going to be able to provide for this child? How am I going to be able to prepare for this child? I also feel a sense of loss too. Loss of my freedom and the life I had, and the dreams I had. Shortly before I became pregnant I had come to terms with the idea of never having children. I decided I would be content as an aunt to the many, many children in life, helping their parents in whatever way I could and developing relationships with those children I care so deeply about. I have never felt a strong desire to procreate or bear children but here I am, pregnant. Ironic, eh?

I know that this child is a blessing and I know, deep in my heart that things will be okay for us and that God will work things out in amazing ways. Right now, I have no idea how that will happen and it causes fear and depression to take over my heart sometimes.

the twilight zone

Since the day I found out I am pregnant, August 23rd, I have felt like I am living in the twilight zone. My life does not, in any way shape or form, feel like it belongs to me. I am 33 years old, single, unemployed, and pregnant but I do have my bachelor's degree and master's degree and years of experience teaching and working in administrative positions and customer service....yet, for the last four months I have sent out hundreds of resumes, applied to hundreds of jobs, religiously checked CareerBuilder.com, the Minnesota Council of Non-Profits job website, the Minneapolis Star Tribune website, Craigslist, the Minneapolis Public Schools job website, District 11s job website, and here I am....without a job yet expecting a child. Not a place I ever thought I would be. I grew up with all the dreams little girls have: go to college, fall in love, get a great job that lasts forever, get married, buy a house, THEN have kids.

Of course, as I got older and had various experiences those dreams shifted a bit and got a bit more specific. Urban teaching became the great job-"making a difference" blah blah blah. The dream house became either a condo in the city or an old Victorian or something in the city to slowly rehab and make my own-specifically with a turret. The marriage idea became more specific too when I fell in love...but it didn't exactly turn out the way I hoped either. After six years of a relationship that felt like it was going nowhere (not by my choice, but by his fear) I walked out on that dream.

Ironically enough, a year after I returned from Chicago and completely severing those ties to him, he came to visit me here in Minneapolis and yep, you guessed it-we got pregnant. Here's the real irony about the whole getting knocked up by my ex thing-a few months ago we were talking via yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't get you pregnant before you left." To which I responded, what the hell does that mean? He laughed it off and said he was kidding....but obviously there was something deeper there. He wanted me to have a reason to stay in Chicago with him, but he wasn't strong enough to give me that reason 16 months ago.

So, here I am living in an apartment in Minneapolis looking for a job, pregnant and on my own. What part of the dream have I achieved? None, which is why I feel like my life is not my own, why I feel like I live in the twilight zone where nothing is under my control, where I am outside myself watching this life happen to me rather than me being a part of creating it. Obviously my choices have led me to the place I am, but there are also forces at work beyond me that I am battling with and struggling to figure out. Why, after all the interviews that seemed to go so well, do I get the nicely worded rejection letter or email? I wish they would just be honest and laid it out there instead of being so trite: "you're great but we hired someone more qualified" should be "look, here are the reasons why we chose someone else, work on those so you get a friggen job."

The dream house or condo in the city has become two options now that I am pregnant: either move into my sister's basement which they would convert into an apartment for me out in Ham Lake, or work with my father to buy a mobile home out in Blaine or Coon Rapids. Not exactly what I always hoped for. I can keep my apartment in the city, by the park and coffee shops but honestly, it scares the hell out of me to be a single mom so far away from my family. If I had a partner in this, sure I would stay where I am. I have enough space, its centrally located, I'm by a park and in a neighborhood I adore. But, living here as a single mother poses all sorts of challenges. For instance, if I have to go run errands and don't want to take the little one with me, I will need to drive 20 miles to my family for a babysitter. If I chose to take little bit with me, there is the the challenge of unloading my car of whatever items I needed (most likely diapers) and safely transporting the baby into the house as well. See, the parking spot I have for my apartment is on the opposite end of the building from my apartment-so yeah, I could take the baby in, make sure she's as safe as can be, then run to the opposite end of the building to my car and get the loot. Its a daunting task. I honestly don't know how single mothers do it sometimes. Especially those with more than one small child.

Part of feeling like I am in the twilight zone too, is that my choices are no longer my own. Everything I do from what I choose to eat to how I arrange my apartment or where I choose to live are no longer about me. Now, with everything, I think about this child first, then later myself. Parenthood involves the complete letting go of yourself and your agenda and your dreams. Even though I am just ten weeks along, I already see this happening with me in big and little things. My priorities are shifting, my dreams are changing, my hopes are different. The dream Victorian house in the city as turned into a two bedroom mobile home with new appliances in Blaine. The dream job teaching at a great school with supportive administrators who give me freedom has become...well...anything that pays at least $15 an hour. The true love has become the hope that he will support our child regardless of his feelings for me. The dream car has been replaced by the hope that my current car doesn't fall apart and that the grinding sound on the brakes really isn't a big deal and that I can somehow find the funds to get the brakes and the fan that blows heat fixed before winter.

Priorities change. Dreams and hopes shift. I want to feel like my life is my own again, but I am not sure how to do that. I am working on letting go of the control I thought I had over my life and trying to trust that my Abba Father will provide and protect in ways I can't imagine now. Right now, I am praying for peace and health and continuing to apply for every job I think I might qualify for and continuing to get ready to be a mom.

Knocked up ordained minister and middle school teacher looking for work

While I have only known I am growing a baby inside of me for ten days, it feels like a lifetime. The second that second line on the stick started to show a faint pink blur my life was turned upside down. This is not what I had planned or what I wanted or what I hoped for but it will be good. I mean really, this year has not exactly set me up to be prepared for parenthood let alone single parenthood. I lost my job in April and have been actively seeking employment since then to no avail. Lots of interviews that I thought went well only to end with the kind rejection letter and lots of resumes and applications filled out for jobs I am either entirely under-qualified for or overqualified for. (sorry random interjection-why is under-qualified hypenated but overqualified is not?) And here I am, pregnant with the child of my ex significant other. The irony in my situation is not lost. First, I became an officially ordained minister at the end of last year to perform a close friend's marriage ceremony in January. I mean really, how many knocked-up ordained ministers do you know? Oh and the week before I found out about my bundle of joy, I started applying for seminary. Yes. Seminary. Church leadership. And now I am knocked up...ironic? Yes. The quiet sin of fornication is now visible to the outside world, which means of course, I would never be accepted into seminary. This of course, if a whole other tangent of issues I have with established religion which I will not delve into now.

So here I am, knocked up, ordained minister, with a master's degree in teaching, and an Illinois teaching license, not to mention my bachelor's degree in elective studies (don't ask) and ten years of customer service experience plus five years of administrative experience in non profit organizations and I can not find a job. Nor can I find direction. My neighbor asked me tonight, "Well, what do you WANT to do?" My response...."I don't know." All my life I wanted to be a teacher-middle school language arts in the city to be exact-and I did that for four years and was darn good at my job, although administrators tend not to like my independence or style, hence the current unemployment situation. My last three years in public education have left a very very bad taste in my mouth regarding teaching. The job itself I adore and admire immensely. Its the politics and cattyness that I can't stand. Each year that I taught, my students made the highest gains on the standardized tests, by a landslide. I moved 40% of my students to meeting or exceeding standards, for a total of 70% of my class meeting or exceeding standards on the state tests. Students email me and thank me for being their teacher. I know I am good at what I do, yet I can't get a job. So the question remains, what do I want to do? And the answer is still the same...I don't know. I have been applying for any job that I am remotely qualified for or interested in and my unemployment runs out in 11 short weeks. And, of course, eight months from now, I will be bringing a baby into this chaotic world. It would be nice to have a job by then to provide a level of stability for this life growing inside of me. I truly believe in God and believe that each child conceived is a gift from God and I want to honor this child and give it everything it deserves: love, security, food to grow, spiritual grounding, identity, confidence, etc. But ya know, a job would really help me get off on the right foot with all of that. Right now, seven weeks into the 40 week journey, I am petrified. My guest room is being transformed into a baby's room. I'm eating much much better than usual. A life is growing inside of me and I have no idea how I am going to provide for this little life. All I can do, is pray and keep applying for jobs and being available to opportunities as they present themselves and trust that all things do work for the good of those who love God. I have made my mistakes but I have never not loved God and tried my best to love people in my life.

Single Pregnancy

Its been a week since I found out that I am pregnant and I still feel like I am in the twilight zone. My emotions and thoughts change from second to second and every now and I again I truly believe I am having a dream and will wake up to go back to my normal, single woman, life. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like there is a little life growing inside of me. I don't have a baby bulge, I don't have morning sickness, I don't have a precious little ultra sound picture to show people but my apartment is changing. I have started a 'baby crap' box. The box is slowly filling with baby stuff. Last Monday my sister Aj invited me and my other sister Rachel out to lunch to celebrate the coming of "Baby O". The growing patch of cells inside me as become known as Baby O because it is the eighth grandchild in the family so Aj has dubbed it Baby O....short for octagon, Octavius, Octopus, all things associated with eight. She arrived with a target bag and a sweet yellow bear head attached to a soft pale green blanket with the satin trim all babies love. We began tossing around names and nursery themes. The conversation was fun, but felt very out of body. This week has been a time of adjustment that I realize has only just begun. Everyone has tons of advice for me, which is appreciated but exhausting. Things like, you can't change the kitty litter box. Well, I live alone. I'm doing this pregnancy on my own, so...who else will change the kitty litter box? So, we had to look up the issue and there is no issue. Pregnant women can indeed clean the kitty litter box as long there is no eating of the feces. Whew! Safe on that one. Then there is the don't carry heavy things admonition. Seeing that I live alone and the baby daddy is in Chicago, I either carry heavy things or make a million and one trips to the car to carry in groceries and other random crap that life brings. Who else will carry these things? Im realizing that while everyone is kindly offering advice and help, but in the end, this is my journey and responsibility and I will be required to make the tough choices on my own. Of course people will help and be there for me, and who knows what role the baby daddy will assume-but in the end, my body is changing and I will be the mother of a child in nine short months. A daunting and exciting task that I am trying to get ready for. Hopefully I will be out of the twilight zone soon and reality will set in.

The Adventure Begins

I've been patiently waiting for my monthly cycle to start for a week or so and since I have been taking birth control pills for the last few years, I didn't think much of it but as the days kept passing and no cycle started....I decided to pick up a pregnancy test just to see. I've been late before, even on the pill, and the last few weeks have been highly stressful (moving, looking for a job, etc) so i figured that would cause the lateness. So, I went to my sisters house because one can not pee on a stick alone, and peed on the stick. Waited the obligatory three to five minutes and examined the oval on the stick. One pink line showed up very clearly and a second line faintly appeared... My sister and I looked at each other and wondered what it meant. It couldn't be positive, its only a very faint second line and I am on the pill! Since its Sunday, we jumped online to see where I could go to get a doctor's confirmation. Target Clinic here we come! Of course, we had to wait about an hour because the clinic is closed on Sundays from 1pm to 2pm so the doctor can have lunch. At 2:01pm, we got in the car and jetted to the Blaine Super Target Clinic. For $49.00 you can get pregnancy confirmation on Target Clinic letterhead, which is exactly what I got and a tentative due date of April 20th, 2010.

When the doctor gave us the news, Rachel began laughing hysterically and I was stunned. The doctor was very understanding and gave me all the basic info: no alcohol, no caffeine, get some prenatal vitamins and go see a regular doctor. Oh and she gave me an official letter to give to the folks at the county so I can apply for Medical Assistance and WIC since, yes I am still unemployed.

After we left the doctor's office, we wandered through target gathering the prenatal vitamins ensuring they have plenty o folic acid and what not and I asked Rachel, "Am I dreaming? Are we in the twilight zone?" I felt dazed, like I was watching the world through a dreamy haze of unreality. She pinched me and assured me, no, you are not dreaming. The next step was informing my parents that their youngest, unmarried, single, unemployed, daughter was pregnant by her ex boyfriend who lives in Chicago. We decided it'd be fun to ease the blow by giving them some cute baby gift. We settled on two bibs: on embroidered in pretty pastel pink with "I Love My Grandma" and the second embroidered in baby blue with "I Love My Grandpa."

Then we drove to the home I grew up in to share the news with the people who created me, within the confines of marriage and employment, of course. I don't remember my mother's first words but it involved swearing and not much joy...but shortly thereafter she exclaimed, "oh we need to start saving up for a crib! Let me know when you find one you like!" With the conception of their first grandchild 14 years ago, my parents started the tradition of purchasing the crib for the first child of each of their children. An avid smoker, she also moved her chair about ten feet away from me to protect me and the fetus from the smoke. Dad....well....didn't say much except, "well, I guess Andy got more than he bargained for with his $30 bus trip." He will need to process the information slowly and I am sure both parents are happy at the thought of grandchild number eight but concerned about their daughter being single and unemployed while carrying that blessing into the world.

Many phone calls have been made throughout this evening. Much love and support is felt. This is the start of a very long and challenging journey and honestly, right now, I feel very numb. I still feel like I am on the outside of my world looking in, seeing the action and hearing the conversations taking place but not actually experiencing them. This pregnancy was not planned by a long shot but was prophesied by my sister Rachel. About three weeks ago, when Andy came to visit, Rachel informed us that she had a dream that I got pregnant by him while he was visiting to help me move and paint my new place. Hmmm....prophetic much?

When I was in college I took a class called "The Biology of Women." Throughout the semester we discussed the biology and chemistry involved in developing a new life. There are hundreds of factors that have to be exactly right for an egg and sperm to unite and form a zygote then hundreds more factors that must be perfect for that zygote to implant itself on the right place in the uterus and another hundred factors for the uterus to accept that zygote and feed it as it grows and develops into an embryo. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, the chemistry and biology involved in conception and development of life is simply an unexplainable miracle. Sometimes the factors work together to create a new life, and other times they don't. For me, and this little life inside me, as of right now, its working and I am celebrating that fact and grateful that God gives me 40 weeks to prepare for this little pea to develop into an infant ready to join the world. Its an overwhelming sense of responsibility and awe that I am in this situation, preparing to be a mother, at this point in my life. Its not perfect, but it is what it is, my reality. Hopefully soon that reality will sink in!