Graceful kindness versus being a dormat...is balance possible?

My son's father, who lives in Chicago, had not seen Caleb since July.  Before that, it was January of 2013.  I have mounds and mounds of single mother guilt because my boy doesn't see his father on a regular basis.  Because we were not married when Caleb was conceived we have not had to set up an official custody or visitation agreement.  We did go to court and do child support, which has been paid consistently and fully.  Because of the distance between us-400ish miles-I have worked very hard to be graceful and kind regarding visits from dad.  When Caleb was a baby/toddler I allowed the dad to stay at my house when he wanted to visit Caleb.  While he stayed with us, I split the cost of meals out and opened all aspects of my home to him.  (Sidenote:  there is absolutely no romantic or sexual attraction or feelings or anything remotely like that happening between us-to be perfectly honest, the reverse is true.  When I am with him, I breathe a sigh of relief that the relationship is in the past.)  Dad has been bugging me to allow Caleb to go to Chicago to meet that side of his family by himself....as in...without me.   I said that was not going to happen-Caleb is is too young to take that trip on his own and be in a completely unfamiliar situation with essential strangers without his mommy.   This is a huge reason why I allowed him to stay at my home when he visited...to ease some of the financial burden of the expense of traveling.  That's the graceful kindness coming out again.  My financial situation has been precarious since Caleb was born with several job changes, layoffs, etc but has finally stabilized over the last six months.  Dad doesn't pay for anything other than child support.  I asked him to split the cost of Caleb's soccer this fall and he said he couldn't afford it because he had to get new windows for his house.  The total cost was less than $40.  The man refused to come up with $20 so his son could play soccer.  But I digress...

Back in October I started asking dad what his plans were for the holidays.  He never initiates conversations about visits.  He mentioned paying for Caleb's flight and a hotel if we came out there for part of the upcoming holiday break.  I did some research and told him about great deals I had found-flights for $89 round trip, nice hotel near him for less than $500/week.  He dilly dallied around and didn't get back to me about what he wanted to do until the week before our break.  At that time, my aunt had died unexpectedly so our holiday plans got moved back so that I could attend the funeral in Milwaukee.  I texted dad and told him that the trip wasn't going to work out because of the funeral, etc.  Long story short, after several discussions, it was decided that I would drive Caleb and I to Chicago IF dad agreed to pay for the gas and the hotel room and meals.  I gave him an honest estimate about the cost of gas-around $200.  He agreed to that and to provide dinner for me and Caleb each night.  So, I packed us up and headed out.  Giving up five days of my break.  Five days of my time.  Out of gracious kindness.  Honestly, when we planned it, I was happy to do it.  I want my son to know his father.  I want him to spend time with him and his family.  Of course, things did not go as planned in many, many ways.  At one point, there was a blow out where he called me selfish and said that he would get official visitation set up so that I couldn't be so selfish with our son.

I didn't react too much.  I wanted to explode.  I wanted to tell him everything he didn't want to know about himself.  I didn't though.  I held back and simply said that he can feel free to file the paperwork to get an official visitation agreement set up.  This was the start of the tipping point for me.  When we got ready to leave, the final tipping point happened...he handed me an envelope of money.  I had given him the receipts for the cost of the gas on the trip there which totaled $105.  So, I expected that the envelope would contain at least $200.  He hands me the money and says, "its about $170 because I had to break a $20 a buy Caleb dinner last night."  Again, I didn't react as I could have...but I was furious.  Livid.  To top it off, I brought some of Caleb's most recent school pictures to see if he wanted to buy some to share with his friends and family.  I gave him the big, fancy collage picture as a gift.  As I packing things up to head home, I noticed that he took the envelope of pictures and put them in his stuff.  I took it back.  Missing was one 8 x 10 photo.  I asked him where it was.  His response, "I took it."  I asked him if he was going to ay for the photos?  Again, he said no.  Again, I feel completely taken advantage of and angry.  I informed him that the cost of the pictures (with the copyright release so I can print additional images on my own) was $110.  I informed him that if he wanted any additional copies of the pictures to share with friends and family, he would have to pay for half.  He was angry.  My graceful kindness has run out.  And I feel guilty.  Because I want my son to know his father and I have mounds of single mother guilt.

The events of this weekend have made me wonder if its possible to have a balance between graceful kindness and being taken advantage of in this situation and in others.  We encounter things like this all time and Christians (which I am) are expected and 'called' to be graceful, turn the other cheek, etc, etc, etc.  But I wonder, to what end?  I have known several good Christian people (mostly women) who give above and beyond to be graceful in all circumstances, sacrificing incredible amounts of themselves and their resources to care for and help others...and they have ended up with nothing (or less than nothing) in several situations.  Yes, they have given their all to help others but what have they lost in the lack of equal exchange?  I learned this weekend, that I can not give any more to the father of my son without some sort of return on the investment.  I'm not asking for financial compensation...its about appreciation.  Understanding.  Some level of gratitude.  In this situation, I am the giver and he is the taker and I have no more to give.  The tricky part is that I feel like I should give more.  I feel like its my responsibility to do all I can to facilitate that relationship (between my son and his father).  Where does that guilt come from?  Is the the Judeo-Christian "grace" guilt?  Is it the "you got knocked up by a man who lives 400 miles away without being married to him" guilt?  Is it my fault that Caleb's dad is not in his life?  I know in my head that its not...I even know in my heart that's not true.  But I still battle those feelings and struggle to achieve some sort of balance and boundaries in this relationship.  I don't want things to get nasty or angry or to have any fights like we had this weekend again...but I don't know how to move forward.  How do I stand my ground without things becoming combative?  How do I move forward with this without it appearing that I am keeping Caleb from his dad?  Because that is not at all my desire.  I want him to know his dad.  I want him to spend time with his dad.  I want it to be safe, and non stressful for Caleb.  I want to know that my boy is not freaking out.  After this trip, I know that Caleb would be okay without me right there.  But I also know that I am not investing any time or money into out of state visits without some sort of official agreement set up.   Boundaries need to be set...and kept.

So I come home from the weekend happy that Caleb got to spend time with his dad and grateful that he got to meet people from that side of his family and ecstatic that the daddy/Cale time went well and my boy was happy...but I also came home overwhelmed with what happens now.  I gotta figure out how to be graceful without being a doormat...being strong without being manipulative....being firm without being mean.  I also have to learn that the perception the dad has really doesn't matter.  What matters is Caleb.  If the dad wants to believe I am selfish and manipulative and evil, that is his choice and I have to accept that.  I am learning that I do not have to be 'friends' with Caleb's dad.  I don't have to include him in our family.  He is a grown up who is responsible for facilitating his relationship with Caleb on his own.

Additional side note...when dad took Caleb for the day, I sent him with some toys and Caleb's bunny-who he loves and sleeps with almost every night.  I explained to dad the importance of this bunny and asked him to make sure it returned.  It didn't.  Bunny is missing....and it breaks my heart.  Because it says so much to me about his dad.  He cares about what is important to him, not to anyone else.  Its evident not only in the loss of bunny but in the lack of naps the days dad took Caleb as well as the lack of planning of the visit.  Dad had no plans arranged with any of his family or friends before we arrived.  He came late to breakfast.  He didn't bring Caleb back to take his naps liked I asked him to.  The bottom line is, the dad is incredibly selfish and I am not-which is why the grace has finally run out....

Daddy questions begin...

My three and a half year old son and I were winding down after a lovely Christmas day when he said to me, "Mommy, my friends at school say I don't have a daddy."  He was very matter of fact with the statement while I was a bit taken aback.  I kept my emotions in check and asked, 'Which friends say that?"  "All of them."  The daddy issue has begun.  I knew it was coming and I knew explanations would have to be made but I did not expect it yet.  I hoped I had at least until kindergarten...I told Caleb, "You do have a daddy.  You know who he is.  He just lives far away.  Remember he visited in the summer and took you to the park and stuff?"  I went on to explain that he should tell his friends he has a daddy but he lives far away-he said he did tell them that but the 'friends' kept saying he didn't have a daddy.  So, I told him to tell his teachers when that happens or tell me and we will take care of it.  (Side note, I did not expect bullying based on family make up would start at 3.5 years old...ugh.)

His innocent face was pondering something then he says with his big brown eyes peering into my soul, "Mommy, our house as wheels, right?"  When we moved into our mobile home back in August I explained to him that our house is special because it has wheels under it..how he remembers such details, I will never know...and I certainly never expected it to come up in this type of conversation.  "Yes, it does," I replied wondering where the conversation was heading and then my heart broke.  "Then why can't we move out house to be closer to daddy's house?  It has wheels, so we can move it right?"  Did I mention that my child is THREE AND A HALF YEARS OLD?!?!   I took the time to explain that yes, in theory we could move our house to be closer to daddy (in Chicago, 450 miles away) but there would be some problems.  We wouldn't be close to Grandma and Grandpa (who Caleb ADORES and sees at least twice a week), or his brothers (really cousins who again he sees at least once a week), and mommy doesn't have a job where daddy lives.  The big brown eyes looked at me while he put his hand under his chin and he said, "Hmmm let me think about this."  Eventually he decided he wanted to stay close to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties and Uncles and cousins and friends and daddy could visit and he could visit daddy...whew... crisis averted,  at least for now.

The topic came up, I am sure, because Caleb's dad called to wish him a Merry Christmas.  His dad calls maybe once a month and hasn't visited since July.  Before that it was December of 2012.  So, in the last year of Caleb's short life, his father has managed to see him for two visits.  Baby daddy has been pestering me to get Caleb to Chicago for a visit-which I have been trying to plan and organize but he never gets back to me regarding the details.  Being that baby daddy lives in Chicago ( I lived here in the Twin Cities when Caleb was conceived so there was never a chance we would move there, he knew from the moment I told him I was pregnant that the child's life and main place of dwelling would be here-in Minnesota-with me) one would think that he (baby daddy) would plan ahead and save some money so that the visits could be made.  But alas, he does not.  Which then puts me between a rock and hard place in terms of my role in facilitating the visitation process.  We do not have any sort of visitation or custody agreement because we were not married and, in the past, I have been incredibly generous with allowing baby daddy to stay at my house to spend time with Caleb.  Well, now that Caleb is getting older things need to shift but its complex because of the distance and the lack of relationship that Caleb really has with his dad.  Meaning, my three and a half year old boy does not know his father well enough to be able to go to Chicago with him alone for any period of time.  So, for the first couple of visits to Chicago, I need to go along.  Which then brings up the money issues...who pays for what?  In my opinion, the cost of the entire visit is the baby daddy's responsibility.  He, of course, doesn't see it that way and is incredibly cheap (even though he makes almost twice what I make in a year and has zero hands on parenting time).

So here I am, on Christmas night, not able to sleep because my son gets teased at school because of his absentee father...the conversation with my son tugs on my heart strings to the point where I feel like I should spend money to make the visits happen-for Caleb.  But the realist part of me fights that feeling because it is not my responsibility to build that relationship or to provide transportation or funding for visitation.  The lines become blurry at this point because I desperately want my son to have a strong, consistent, loving father figure in his life.  I know how important that is for a young man in this day and age-especially a boy of mixed race.  I know all that statistics of boys raised by single mothers.  I know the importance of the father-son bond.  I also know its the one aspect of Caleb's life that I truly have no control over...which is a paralyzing feeling caused by the heaps of guilt and in-adequateness I heap upon myself. 

My Caleb is a gift given to me by God.  To me.  In the situation I am in.  With the biological father he has.  For whatever reason, God chose to weave together this amazing little man in my womb and have him be born to me-here in Minnesota.  So, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that our Caleb will have all he needs to become the man he is designed to be....with just a single mom as his main source of support, love, guidance and parenting....a single mother who prays constantly, loves abundantly and strives to provide all that he needs with support and love of multitudes of friends and family.  I have a feeling the journey of single parenthood is going to get a lot harder before it becomes easier and there will be many more tough conversations I have to have with my dear, sweet, boy about his dad.  And it will be okay.