Dreams....which to focus on?

Recently I was depressed and felt very very lost in life so I did what I always do when I feel that way-headed to the bookstore. Literature and books speak to me. I am a book person and don't suggest the library, its a waste of time. I must own books....but I digress. My bookstore jaunts generally follow a routine. First I check out the tables of novels that are on sale from there I wander through the self help section to see if any titles seem to address my current ailment, then a quick walk through the teen/young adults lit-I must keep current for my teaching career-and generally settle in the relgious section. I look through the Christian Fiction to see if anything peaks my interest. Generally speaking Christian Fiction is too fluffy and cheesy for my cynical, jaded experience but I have a few favorite authors and once in a while come across a hidden treasure. After the Christian Fiction, I head to Spirituality and Religion, again looking for titles that may speak to my current empty, lost feeling or to see if there is anything new from any of my time honored favorite spiritual leaders. And there it was. A new book from one of my time honored favorite Christian authors and speakers, Erwin McManus. I have all of his books and have heard him speak several times. Erwin has a way of telling truth and inspiring genuine growth and action that few Christian leaders have. He is brutally honest and very real in what he writes. There is no Christian-lite here, which is why I love him. His works inspire action, rather require action. You really can't walk away from a book of his without moving forward in some aspect of your life.

The book is called WIDE AWAKE and is about living life wide awake and choosing to follow your God given dreams. The key to much of McManus' writing is the word 'choice' which is something else I love-responsibility and empowerment balanced with trusting God. The book called to me and I bought it. The other thing about these books, one can not devour them. They are simply deep and challenge the reader spiritually, intellecutally, and to reflect on your life. So, I've been working through the book about half a chapter a night and I am almost finished, at which time, I will read it again because its that good.

WIDE AWAKE reminded me of my dreams. Not cheesy dreams you have at night, but those dreams that fuel your passion and your life. Dreams that become your calling and inspire you. McManus asks us to rediscover those God given dreams and passions that inspire us, precisely because they are God given. As children of God, we are created for a purpose and should be living our lives wide awake and vibrantly pursuing those passionate dreams that excite us. We should be waking up excited for what the day holds not sadly dreading the trek to a job we simply endure for the sake of a paycheck.

I have experienced both sides of that coin. For more than ten years, I worked simply to work. I did not look forward to going to work. It was a job, not a calling nor a career. And this was in various jobs-customer service, office management, social services, etc. I was good at my jobs but it was just that, a job. A means to an end. A paycheck. Then, I did the work, made the sacrifices I needed to make, and pursued my dream of urban teaching.

My first year of teaching at Marconi Community Academy on the westside of Chicago was the first time in my life that I ever felt like work was not work. I literally could not believe that I was getting paid to teach. I was contacted to work seven hours a day but generally worked at least 12 hours. A co-worker and I were the first people to school in the morning and the last to leave at night. I was challenged. I was inspired. It was not easy by any means. That first year was by far the hardest year of work I have ever done but it did not feel like work. I was in the place God created me to be, pursuing my dreams in line with His created purpose for me. Things did not go smoothly and I transitioned to another school, then another school and things again did not end well so I left teaching.

Since I left teaching, I have been very disillusioned because teaching seemed to be so clearly what I was called to do. I didn't leave teaching of my own accord, I was fired due to lots of messes that you can read about in previous posts. Due to all of this, I was lost. WIDE AWAKE is helping me to refocus and trust God with those dreams again and I am looking into various things.

Part of why I have this hiatus from teaching is because I need to get my Minnesota teaching license in order. Illinois has very different requirements for teaching middle school-which I met but they did not transfer to Minnesota. So, I couldn't take a job that was offered to me to teach middle school reading because my license wasn't right. This, of course, added to my disillusionment with teaching and the education system and its hoops. I began looking for jobs in all fields I had experience in and did not pursue anything related to teaching or related to getting my license in order. In the process of reading WIDE AWAKE, I got refocused and applied to a program to take the classes I need to get my 5-12th grade Language Arts license, met with the program coordinator and make a plan to get things in order. Hopefully I will start classes this winter.

While looking into this education program I came across another program that ignites my passion-a Masters of Fine Arts in Writing. I love writing and have always dreamt of becoming a published writer. This program walks you through the process of making that happen and gives you the experience and education needed to teach college level writing courses. The truly amazing part of the program is the last two semesters. During the last two semesters, I would work with advisors and experienced writers and editors to write a book. Literally, to write a book with the support of a team of people to lead to publishing. So, now I am in a conundrum...which dream do I pursue?

Both teaching and writing have been life long dreams of mine. The teaching license program will take about two years, the writing program-I'm not sure. I love education. I love going to classes but the financial investment is crazy-I already owe more than I should in student loans because of my Master's degree and the roundabout route I took to complete my undergraduate degree. Would the investment be worth it? What would be the best investment of my time and money-especially now that I have the little one to think about.

To become a published writer and a Language Arts teacher-is it overly ambitious to pursue both dreams? Is it asking too much to think that God is calling me to both?