Baby Daddy Drama

Funny how you always here about baby momma drama....well I have heard a great deal of baby daddy drama from a close friend over the last couple of years and now am experiencing my own. The first week of August, my ex wanted to come visit me here in Minneapolis. I had just ended a casual relationship with someone here and was in the process of moving, so I agreed to his visit. We hadn't seen each other since I put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship by leaving Chicago and returning to Minneapolis on June 13, 2008. Oh wait, I forgot, he came to visit me in August of 2008 to bring me stuff that he thought I needed from Chicago. So, it had been about a year since we saw each other. We emailed and spoke once in a while just to catch up be friendly. The contact was initiated by him as were both August visits. I had moved on and closed that door. While he was here in August 09, he helped me move into my new place, helped me paint my new place, visited my family, hung out with my friends and acted like he did when we were together. During that week, we slept together-again at his initiation. While he was here I attempted to have conversations about why he came, what he was looking for, what the purpose was, etc. These conversations never went anywhere. My ex is skilled at blatant avoidance. I ask a direct question like, "Why did you come to visit me?" And he responds with a blank stare and silence. For ten minutes. We had our last stalemate the night he left, literally a few hours before I dropped him off at the bus station. I asked where we go from here, what this means, what he wants, etc. Again...blank stares and silence. Not that I was surprised, this had happened throughout our entire relationship which was the main reason I ended it.

He got on the bus and went home to Chicago and I went on with my life here. Honestly, when he was here I had no real feelings for him anymore. The spark, the interest, the romantic side of our relationship was dead. I was relieved that the feelings were in the past because before he came, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was with him for five years and thought he would be the man I was going to marry and be with forever-so it was healing to have the closure. I moved on, not contacting him again and knowing that the relationship had run its course and was over. No hard feelings, no anger, no drama, just done. I had forgiven him for the hurts from before and simply moved forward with my life. Then, I didn't get my period.

About three weeks after his visit, I realized my period was late so I took a pregnancy test that was positive, then immediately went to the Target clinic to get verification of the results and called him. And called him. And called him. And texted him. See, the man is notorious for not answering his phone, letting his phone battery die, losing his phone and not checking his voicemail. So, in my experience, the best way to get in touch with him was to keep calling every couple of hours or so. I finally got in touch with him a day or so after the positive confirmation and told him I was pregnant and it was his. He was shocked and I gave him time to let it sink in. The funny thing is, earlier this year he an I were talking on Yahoo messenger and he said to me, "too bad I didn't knock you up before you moved," in a veiled way of saying, I wish you stayed.

He was supportive, acted excited. Talked about baby names with me. Then he drove a 14 hour round trip at the last minute to spend Labor Day with me so we could talk. He was literally here for eight, maybe ten hours. During that time he said he was thinking about moving to Minnesota. Again, he acted very much like we were together. He went to a family BBQ with me, hugged my nephews, chatted with my sisters and mom, broke bread with us. Again, I tried to ask direct questions to figure out what was going on, he played the avoidance game. After that visit, we kept in contact on a fairly regular basis having conversations I am sure most expecting parents have. Here is where the drama comes in.

I called him a couple of weeks ago just to talk about stuff-give him the dates of my doctor appointments, tell him about the doctor appointments I had, general stuff. He dropped a bomb. Out of nowhere he informs me that he has been seeing someone for a year and its now 'getting serious.' Huh?!? This was new to me. No time while he was with me for a week in August, or Labor Day, or any time in the conversations we had before, had he mentioned a serious relationship. Yes, he and I had both dated other people-I was very honest with him about that. He knew the names of guys I had seen and the status of those relationships throughout the entire last year and before he came to visit in August. He mentioned that he was dating various people but insisted it was nothing serious, yet two weeks after coming to see me on Labor Day and telling me that he is thinking about moving to Minneapolis, he informs me he is in a 'serious' relationship. What the hell?!?

I lost it. I asked him some questions like, "does she know where you were the first week of August?" and "is she aware that you drove here on Labor Day to see me?" and "are you going to inform her that I am pregnant?" and "are you going to continue to see her?" Of course, there was no answer to these questions other than, "its none of your business." Alrighty then.

The baby daddy drama comes from his deceit. Had he told me he was seeing someone, even casually, I would not have allowed him into my home or my bed in August. When I found out I was pregnant with his child, I would not have allowed myself to open the emotional connections that I had closed before. But rather than being open and honest with me, he chose to deceive. The crazy thing is, this was the course of our entire relationship. Throughout the five years we were together, I know of three times he lied at me point blank about relationships with other women, and cheated on me at least four times. Of course, I found out about these situations on my own and when he was questioned directly, he avoided the questions. I just did not expect to be played by him again. I had moved on. I had closed that door, then the baby comes along and I have to open the connection again. Its very confusing for me right now. So, I closed the door on any level of relationship between he and I for now. I told him clearly not to contact me unless he had a specific question about the pregnancy or our child. Hopefully over the next few months, I will work through my anger and hurt and be able to figure out a way to develop a co-parenting relationship with him that will not be destructive to our child. He is a great father but incredibly immature when it comes to relationships and completely incapable of honesty.