Why doing my taxes is horribly depressing

Each year when I sit down to do my taxes in January I get crazy depressed and want to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life.  I get overwhelmed with humiliation, self-loathing, insatiable guilt, and a deep sense of loss.  I don't live within a budget.  I suck at sticking to limits of any kind.  I don't think long term financially.  I'm impulsive.  I get sucked into the pressure of American marketing to buy buy buy whether you need something or not.  (Need is a complex word by the way.  Our culture and media fill us with a false definition of need each and every day, but that is a topic for another blog post.)  So, when I sit down to do my taxes I am forced to confront my wanton wastefulness and consumerism.  I see it, in black and white.  The exact amount of money that I earned.  Right there.  In print.  I can't deny it.  I can't pretend it's not correct.  In reality too, it doesn't even show all the money I have access to because I also get child support each month.  And, even with the income and the child support, I find myself always broke.  Why?  Where did that money go?  It's ridiculous.  Humiliating.

I look at those numbers and I am ashamed.  Ashamed because after 12 months of working, I have nothing to show for those earnings.  Sure we have lots of "stuff" in our home.  My son has more toys, games and books than most preschools have in their entire facility.  Our cupboards are full of food.  Our freezer is packed.  I have a car. We have two tvs, an x box, a blue ray/DVD player, movies and video games.  We have two iPads, a laptop and an iPod.  Granted, our electronics are older and certainly not top of the line.  Caleb and I both have closets full of clothing-some we rarely wear.  We have more than enough stuff to live our lives well.

The money I earned could have done so much.  I could have invested more in people and organizations that I care about.  I could have fed people.  Clothed people.  Housed people.  I could have supported people I know in ministries around the world.  I could have given extravagant, lovely, random gifts to people I love.  I could have travelled to see people I don't see often enough.  I could have taken my parents on a vacation.  I could have paid off my house or car.  I could have invested in Caleb's future by putting money away for him.  I could have taken care of all the little projects around my house.

Over the last few years, I have been on a journey of simplification and minimalization.  Over the summer, I gave away a huge amount of stuff and it was just a drop in the bucket.  The journey is going to continue and become more radical.   I am humbled.  I am inspired.  I am overwhelmed.  I'm not exactly sure where to go from here...but there are going to be changes.  What those changes are, I don't know yet.  But I am praying.  I am thinking.  I am changing my focus and my mindset.  I am working through developing systems of financial responsibility that will keep me accountable.

I'm considering a buy nothing year.  It's pretty radical, I know.  But, honestly, other than groceries and other consumables, there is nothing we need.  And, being that I am not employed, now is a good time to change these negative, wasteful habits because I have to.  Of course, there are certain things I will need to purchase but the rule needs to be I can't buy something unless it's consumable and completely out.  For example, facial lotion and cleanser.  That's stuff that gets used up and needs to be resupplied... cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.  You get the idea.

The buy nothing year is about battling random, impulse purchases that are fueled not by need but by consumerism and the belief that things will make me happy or happier.  I need to be intentional and thoughtful and purposeful with my spending.  It's not just about the money either.  It's a spiritual thing.

The Bible and Jesus are clear about the financial responsibility expected of Christians.  To whom much is given, much is expected.  Tithing.  Taking care of the community.  Generosity.  Living simply.  These are the values I want my life to reflect.  

Alignment...

Today I made a decision that many people will not understand and few will agree with.   I decided to enroll my son in the school that I work at-an under performing, 95% poverty, Minneapolis Public School.  I don't live in Minneapolis-I live in the 'burbs for reasons I will explain later.  My son could attend kindergarten at the school just down the street.  A high performing, low poverty, mostly white upper middle class school.  But here's the thing...I am passionate about social justice and educational inequality.  I am passionate about racial reconciliation and de-segregation.  These are core values I care about.  I have for years...since I saw the inequity of school quality growing up between the suburban school I went to and the inner city school my cousins went to...since I studied community development in college...since I experienced inner city work and ministry during MissionYear.   Since college my hearts desire has been to establish a life where I live, work, and worship all in the same community-preferably a diverse community that I can invest in and help to challenge the powers that be-segregation, inequity, etc.  I realized during our first staff meeting of the new school year today, that I need to adjust my dream a bit.

Last year was an exceptionally challenging year at my school.  I didn't want to go back-I was scared of all the changes happening, I wasn't sure how everything fit together.  However, God made it abundantly clear through numerous rejections from suburban school jobs, that I am where exactly where I need to be for reasons far above my own.  During our staff meeting this morning, we went over the testing data for our school for the last three years.  The scores have been in a steady, major decline each year with the results plummeting last year.  It was a somber moment to say the least.  However, after looking at that data the administration team asked us to think about it and respond.

The group of 130 teachers and staff was quiet for a few minutes.  Then, teachers got up and shared their belief that our role as teachers at our school is a social justice, equity issue.  Teachers shared that they have chosen to be at the school precisely to invest in the lives and the future of these kids...of this neighborhood...of this COMMUNITY school.  Teachers shared frustration with watching how the district re-zoning has resulted in concentrated schools of poverty-decisions made by the school board to appease the wealthy folks in the community who are afraid to send their kids to school with "those kids."  Sure, they donate money to charities who meet the needs of "those families" but they don't want them to actually be in their school...they don't belong.  They don't deserve the same quality of education...that is what "they" think.  This mindset infuriates me.

Which led me to my decision.  If I truly believe in social justice, educational equity, de-segregation, diversity, community development, community as a whole...then I need to align my life with those beliefs.  I need to truly invest in the process of social change...I need to make the choices that reflect my heart.

I've lived in urban areas and taught in urban areas all of my adult life-that is, until I had my son five years ago.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I was single, unemployed, and living in Stevens Square in Minneapolis.  I loved where I lived but I knew that I needed to be close to family to meet the needs of my child.  I knew, without a doubt, that I could not make it on my own as a single mother without my family's support.  So, I moved out to the 'burbs.  And it was the right decision for me and Caleb at that time.  I worked in Anoka Hennepin District 11-where I lived.  Then...I got laid off.  And where did I get a job?  Yep-Minneapolis Public Schools.  And, although last year was  rough and I thought about leaving-I really struggled with the decision, the rejections, the job search.  Living in the 'burbs I felt like a sell out...but I don't like my commute to school and I really want to work and live in the same community...so I was stuck in a conundrum.

That's when I did a lot of soul searching.  A lot of praying.  A lot of listening.  And a lot of applying for jobs.  And it became crystal clear that I am supposed to be at the urban school I am at.  I am in a leadership role there this year.  Kids know me.  Staff trusts me.  Last night I was praying that God would help me to see what to do...that I would feel a sense of community...that I would figure out where I belong.  At the staff meeting this morning, as teachers were sharing their passions which echo my own, it became clear.  This is where I belong.  And, this is where my son belongs.

Eventually, I will look into moving back into the city to complete the circle. Until then, my dream is being adjusted...I am close to family for the support I need (and the support I can give to my sister and my parents) and I am teaching where I need to be.  I hope and pray that eventually the three will align-live, work and worship.  For now, I am confident that the right thing to do is to fully invest in the school I am at.  That investment means bringing my son along.

Mindfulness and choice...

Tonight I spent four hours in my car.  My son's father lives in the Chicagoland area and this week he asked to have Caleb.  The plan was for him to come to my house and pick Caleb up and then head back but...alas...the man can't plan to save his life.  I hadn't heard from him at all today-he said he was going to be here in the 'early afternoon.'  Around 5pm I sent him a text message asking what the plan is.  He was on his way...around Wisconsin Dells.  I asked if he was planning to spend the night and then just leave in the morning...nope.  His plan was to just pick Caleb up and head back...so, I offered to drive to meet him in Eau Claire.  He, of course, took me up on it.  So, I got my kiddo ready, finished his packing, had dinner and we hopped in the car.

Now, there are several ways I could have handled this situation, which brings me to the title of this blog entry: "Mindfulness and Choice."  I could have allowed myself to be angry and spiteful and make Caleb's dad drive all the way here, pick my kid up at ten pm, then drive all night back to Chi-Town.  That response is perfectly fair since his dad didn't keep up his end of the bargain and didn't plan his visit.  Of course, the spiteful route would have cost me a pretty worthwhile four hours.

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Instead, I chose to be mindful.  Yes, I was irked.  Yes, I wanted to wallow in the repeated irresponsible behavior of Caleb's dad.  But instead, I I chose to be positive and move forward.  The two hours to Eau Claire, with my boy in the car, again, I chose to be mindful and appreciate the time.  We talked about construction, we sang songs, we discussed angels and God, we listened to music.  I enjoyed every second of that two hours-just me and my boy in the car.  Now, is an unexpected road trip in the early evening due to someone else's choices a joyous, fun occasion?  Nope.  But regardless of the circumstances, I can chose my reaction. 

We got to the Target in Eau Claire and his dad picked him up.  It was a pleasant exchange.  I gave my boy a big hug and off they went.  I got into my car and, as usual, I got emotional.  So, I listened to some P!NK for a while in the car wallowing in my sadness.  Every time I send my boy off with his dad, I get emotional.  It brings up the feelings of loss and guilt I have for not having a 'traditional' family for my son.  It brings up the reality that I don't have control of my son's safety or anything while he is with his dad.  Leaving him and knowing he will be 450 miles away from me for four days makes my heart break.  But, I know its all going to be okay.  His dad knows how to care for kids.  He needs a relationship with his dad.  Its good for me to have to a break.  All will be well.  

As I let P!NK distract me...I felt a nudge to change the tune.  So, I grabbed some of my worship CDs and spent the majority of the two hour drive through Wisconsin back home having a truly spiritual experience.  I spent two hours listening to music that draws me closer to God-which is exactly what I needed.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job closer to home and with the same academic calendar that Caleb will have...I'm restless and disappointed at going back to the same school in Minneapolis...and, because I chose to be mindful and positive, I got two hours of focused spiritual feeding that truly has helped me to focus and change my perspective a bit.

The hang up on homosexuality in the church...

Last night I was reading stuff on facebook about the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing gay marriage throughout the country.  I have a diverse group of friends-gay, straight, conservative, libertarian, liberal, black, white, latino, Christian, non believers, etc, etc, etc.  My conservative Christian friends have been posting tons of stuff about the downfall of American society because of the SCOTUS ruling because it is against God blah, blah, blah.  I am sure you have all seen and read the propaganda citing various scriptures and talking about the morality as well as the sanctity of marriage.  Here's the thing.  I am insanely tired of the BS.  I grew up in a conservative Christian church where sexuality was defined as only being between a man and a woman who are married.  Where divorce is wrong, marriage is sacred.  Homosexuality is wrong.  All the basics of Christianity 101.  This is where I get really irked about the insane double standard within the church regarding homosexuality vs other sexual sins.  At every single conservative church in the country you will find: young adults who are not married but are sexually active, adulterers, people who are divorced and (often) remarried to a new spouse, single parents (people who obviously had sex outside of marriage)...and nothing is said about these sexual sins.  Just based on the Christians I know-including myself-the vast majority have had sex outside of marriage.  We all know the divorce rate among Christians is the same as that for nonChristians.  As times have changed, the church has adjusted their reaction to these things.  There was a time, not too long ago, where woman who got pregnant out of wedlock were sent away to have their babies in isolation then give them up for adoption to save the family from shame.  According to the Bible, women are the property of men so if a woman were to get pregnant outside of marriage, her father (or husband if the pregnancy was due to an affair) can choose to have her stoned to death.  We don't do that anymore.  Women have choices in life-we are no longer limited to only getting married.  We can get educated, we are not property-so as culture and values shifted, the church's reaction to women's sexuality had to change as well.   The same happened with divorce.  The Bible is clear on the issue of divorce.  God hates divorce.  There are very limited situations were divorce is considered a Biblical option.  Again, as times changed and culture changed, the church's view on divorce changed.  The views evolved because we are learning to focus on grace and love not on archaic laws that were never meant to be applied for all eternity.  Even if you use the ten commandments as your guide for morality-there is no mention of homosexuality in those.  Adultery is mentioned.  Honoring the sabbath is mentioned.  Honoring parents is mentioned.  Sex is not mentioned at all-except as adultery.  Jesus never mentioned homosexuality.  Not once.  Paul does-but he is not Jesus.   We do not accept Paul as our savior, Paul is not the son of God.  And, when Paul mentions homosexuality it is at a specific time and place (as well as when homosexuality is mentioned in the Old Testament).  These commands against sexual immorality and homosexual behavior were in a specific context-people were engaging in various forms of sexuality as worship to other Gods-it was idolatry that was the sin not the act of sexuality.  The sexual issues that Bible speaks to are not about the act of sex itself (homosexual or not) but are about idolatry and worshipping other gods.  Paul is speaking to people who are converting from other religions to Christianity and therefore, need to abandon their old ways of worship and other gods.  He is not talking about sexuality in terms of a relationship.  This is where things get all mixed up.  Conservatives generally seem to see homosexuals as sex crazed maniacs and focus on the sex act, not on the relationship.   I think most Christians would agree that rampant, careless, sexual exploits (homosexual or heterosexual) are not healthy for people and do not bring people closer to God.  But,that is not the issue here.  The issue here is the right to marry.  The right for two people to make a commitment to one another-to form a bond for life.  The ruling is not about sanctioning random sexual acts or establishing a state religion focusing on gay sex.  Its about love and allowing people to build a life together.

I am a single mother-who got knocked up out of wedlock-I'm not a single mother due to divorce.  Lets be clear here, I am a single mother because I had sex outside of marriage.  In Biblical times I would have been stoned by my father to avoid bringing shame to my family.  A few generations ago, I would have been sent off to have my baby and give him up.  Or I would have had an abortion to avoid dealing with the situation all together and not letting anyone know of my sin.  Thankfully, I am alive in a time of grace and understanding where the reality of sex outside of marriage has been accepted and we have moved beyond the act of stoning women.

So, why are we still so focused on homosexuality as a "sin"?  Why can't we move forward and understand scriptures in the time and place and audience the were written to?  As I mentioned before, Paul's writing was advice to new churches that were struggling to figure out what it means to follow Jesus while letting go of prior religious practices.

Kindergarden Fears

My boy will turn five in April.  Its a milestone birthday because it means that in the fall he will be able to start kindergarden.  He's excited to start school.  He has been for as long as I can remember.  On his third birthday he asked, "Do I get to go to school now?"  Almost every day since then he has asked the same question.  My Caleb loves the idea of school.  He craves knowledge and information.  His love for all things educational scares me sometimes.  This kid will choose a book over a toy any day of the week.  He has no fear of school.  No doubt that he will have friends and be liked and that the teacher will care for him and teach him.

Me?  I have insane amounts of fear and anxiety regarding my precious boy going to school.  I'm a teacher.  I've worked in many different schools in many different settings.  I taught in inner city Chicago schools.  I taught in a Minneapolis charter school.  I taught in Minneapolis public schools.  I taught in Anoka Hennepin Schools.  I know schools.  I know how they work.  I've seen them be amazing and I have seen them suck the love of learning and passionate innocence from children.

As a high school and middle school Reading Specialist, I work with students who, for various reasons which I will not go into here, struggle with reading and therefore, struggle academically.  The vast majority of those students have no love for school or academics or anything remotely connected to the current educational system.  Because my students generally have such a distain for education and think they can't do school, I have to take a lot of time in the beginning of my class to bring back those innocent, inquisitive, joyful, trusting feelings towards the classroom.  Part of what I do is to talk with students about what their data shows me.  Very few of the students I work with have learning disabilities.  They didn't start out behind.  On the contrary, most of them performed at or above grade level in the early years of school.  Then, at some point, for some reason, they fell behind.  Sometimes it was family circumstances-a divorce, a move, a death, a birth, etc.  Other times it was a negative experience with a teacher.  Sometimes its an experience with classmates or some aspect of the educational system.  This is what scares me.

My son has a genuine love for learning.  He is teaching himself to read-for real.  On his own he is sounding out words, trying to spell, etc.  95% of his time at home, he is immersed in a stack of books looking at the letters, trying to figure out how they form words.  He has put some words together and read titles and words.  He is obsessed with numbers.  Last summer, when he had just turned four, the kid was doing mental math-addition and subtraction.  In his head.  On his own.  Yesterday he was playing with puzzles at my parents' house and he came up to me and said, "Mama, does six plus six equal twelve?"  "Um...yeah..." I said, a bit taken aback, "where did you see that?"  "No where."  So I went into the playroom to see what he was doing.  I assumed he was doing a number puzzle or looking at a book with numbers and equations in it.  Nope, he was just doing a normal puzzle.  He had taken the pieces out of the puzzle and sorted them into two groups of six pieces each.  On his own, he saw that a group of puzzle pieces could be divided into groups and then added together to make a whole.  His little brain is always thinking and making connections.  He is a sponge.

On the iPad he frequently watches all kinds of shows about building, animals, etc.  The other day he came up to me talking about how a sloth hangs upside down and moves really slowly and there are little creatures that live on the sloth too...he tells me about the digestive system...he tells me about microscopic sea creatures...he asks questions all the time...I'm afraid that he will be one of those kids whose sweet, innocent, inquisitive, joyful interest in the world around him will be squashed by the pressures of the system.  

Thankfully, I am a part of the system. I know how it works.  I know what red flags to watch for.  I know what happens in a classroom.  I know the educational lingo.  I can advocate for and support my boy through the jungle that is public education.  I have the experience, expertise and confidence to ask questions.  To watch and listen to my son.  To be vigilant about his experiences and education.  To keep him from getting lost in the system.  But what about the kids who don't have any sort of advocate?  What about the kids who do fall through the cracks of the system?  Its sad to me, that as a a professional educator, I am scared to send my own child to school.  I'm scared about what the system might do to him.

dating after 30 really sucks...

I've never been good at dating.  I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college.  I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing.  One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled.  One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now.  And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more.  Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them.  Times of just lots of random dating and hookups.  Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date.  I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee.  I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom.  And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective.  I like my life.  I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats.  I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy.  A quiet weekend at home is fine with me.  I don't want drama.  I don't want casual hook ups.  I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.

In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.'  That always bugs me.  If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it.  So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message.  I said something like, "What's the deal?  Are you a stalker?  Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me."  He responded and we started talking.  It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him.  He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality!  We actually had real conversations.  There was flirting.  It was interactive and fun.  If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone.  He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore.  Then...poof.  He disappeared.  No response from him.  No contact.

Until December.  He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want?  Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized.  He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues.  And he was going to court to get custody of his son.  And he was moving.  He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me.  Hmmmm....okay.  I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast.  Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not?  May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.

We met at Perkins for breakfast.  He hugged me when we met.  Took my coat.  Waited to sit down until I did.  Let me order first.  Was kind and friendly to the waitress.  We flirted.  We talked.  We laughed.  It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time.  He got my coat for me.  Opened the door for me.  Held me hand as he walked me to my car.  Was full of compliments and everything.  We shared dating horror stories.  Talked about our kids.  He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again.  We had another date planned...for the next week.  But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof!  He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him.  But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out.  We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date.  Dinner.  We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night.  Noticed I said were....got cancelled again.  Due to baby mama drama.  When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead.  Hence the cancellation.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up.  I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions.  "He's playing you."  "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now."  "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December."  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I told him I was disappointed.  I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies.  He apologized.  Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me.  For now...I'll believe him.

But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay.  Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient.  When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...

Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me.  I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard.  I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust.  Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him.  He has sent me pictures from the airport.  Videos of his bike race.  Pictures of him training for his races.  Why can't I just accept what he says as true?  Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself?  Is it about my own insecurity?  Do my questions really have anything to do with him?  Probably not.

As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...

Getting healthy, lets get real...

For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight (or at least thought I was).  I've always seen and defined myself as fat and ugly and non athletic.  Why?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  First, as a kid I had severe asthma.  Like, the boy in the bubble level of allergies and asthma issues.  I was allergic to everything: chicken, tomatoes, grapes, peanuts, beets (which was the main source of sugar back in the day), any sort of plant life or grass, any animal with fur, dust, dust mites, mold...the list could probably go on and on.  Back in the days of my youth, the glorious 1980s, there were not inhalers or medications for asthma that we have today.  I was on medications.  Steroids and other crap that no one uses any more because they are so bad for you and have so many negative effects.  Of course, back then the goal was to keep me alive and breathing with the options that were available, so my parents and doctors did what they had to do.  Well, due to all the allergies and breathing issues, I was scared to death to do any level of exercise.  From the time I was little I was very familiar with the feeling of my chest constricting so I could no longer take a breath.  I knew the feeling of having an elephant on my chest keeping me from getting any air.  I knew the feeling and sound of wheezing in my lungs and chest very, very well.  This reality became a core part of my identity.  Completely unintentionally.  It was a survival thing.  We were all scared that I would one day die of an asthma attack that I was kept very protected from allergens and exercise.  Of course, everyone now knows that moderate exercise is good for people with asthma and we have the medications to keep airways open and to reopen closed airways.  So, as an adult I am trying to change that mindset.  To change how I see myself.  To rewrite the definition of myself.  But its really, really hard.

This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months.  15 months from today to be exact.  I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal.  Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal.  So, that's my goal.  For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :).  If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds.  128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming.  And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life.  And I also never broke it down into smaller bits.  Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal.  But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able.  So, that's my goal.

Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life.  I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half.  I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be.  A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together.  I want to be an active person.  I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son.  I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing.  I want to have energy and confidence.  I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.

I invite you to join me on this journey.  Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated.  Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me.  So I know exactly what I need to do.  I've done weight watchers.  I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc.  I had a personal trainer in the past.  I know I need to be active.  What I need is the will.  The action.  I have cookbooks.  I know how to make healthy meals.  I know what foods are healthy and what are not.  I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge.  Its about action.  And, I am ready to take that action.  Of course, I will struggle.  I will make mistakes.  But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it.  I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old.  Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together.  So, here goes...rebirth at 40.  April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.  

Where Are the "Best" Teachers?

No to beat a dead horse, but the buzz about the article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune this week about Minneapolis Public Schools infuriates me.  It infuriates me not only because it is a direct insult to myself, my profession and my abilities as a teacher as well as my choices of where to work and my work ethic and so much more, but because it is taking complex information and making it overly simplified.  I posted a link on facebook to a very well written response to the article from a teacher at Bethune Elementary in Minneapolis, which is the school mentioned in the article as being the poorest school and having the worst teachers.  Of course, the writers of the article base that statement on an extremely complex teacher/school rating system which I am not even going to begin to go into now.

What I want to explain is the simple data and look at what the data really tells us about teachers and schools and who truly is 'the best'.  On the Minnesota Department of Education website, in the data and analytics section you can down load excel spread sheets of any assessment data for any school and compare the data yourself.  Being the data geek that I am, I know and use this site often.  So, I pulled the data for the MCA Reading tests for 2013 and 2014.  For those of you who don't know, the MCA is the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessment, a standardized test given to every public school student in Minnesota every spring.  Important to note here too is that the MCA went through a major overhaul in 2013 to line up with the Common Core standards which are much more rigorous than the previous state standards.  Basically, the MCA got a heallovaot harder from 2012 to 2013.  (If you want more of an explanation of this, let me know, I am happy to go into it...but its rather complex and not very interesting.  Just trust me, the test got harder.  A lot harder.)

I looked at Bethune's test scores for 2013 and 2014 and compared them with Hale's.  Before I get into the data, here's some information about the two schools taken directly from their websites and Minneapolis Public School's website.

Bethune's population is 100% free and reduced lunch-100% of the students live in poverty.  At Hale, only 10% do.  At Bethune, 4% of the population (which is already 100% poverty) is also English Language Learners-kiddos whose first language is not English.  At Hale, its 2%.  Bethune's Special Education population makes up 22% of its already free and reduced lunch population.  Hale has 10% Special Education kids.

So, just looking at that, what does it tell you?  The teachers at Bethune are working with a much more complex, challenging, lower academic level, lower economic level population than Hale.  They are essentially starting the race ten minutes after Hale begins.

Now, let me tell you what I found.  I looked at the 3rd graders MCA scores from 2013 and the 4th graders MCA scores from 2014 to see what growth was made in both schools.  Notice I am focusing on GROWTH not how many kids meet or exceed standards.  If you start out with a class where every single student you have is two or three years below grade level, you will not get all of them caught up in one year when dealing with the social, emotional, physical, and developmental needs of the kids as well.
******Note on test scores, the first number is the grade level, the second number is the actual test score ranging from 0-99 with being Meeting Standards.  Again, I am more than happy to explain more of this to you, but I am not going to go into it now...************

The average score for Bethune's 2013 3rd graders MCA Reading was 325.2. In 2014 those same kids, now 4th graders, had an average score of 428.1 which means they increased an average of 3.1 points.  So, they GREW, 3.1 points.  

The average score for the 2013 4th graders was 428.1.  In 2014 as 5th graders, their average was 534.9, an increase of 6.8 points on average.  Again, GROWTH.  And that is BIG growth.

There was growth, but according to the powers that be, the growth wasn't enough because the kids are still below standards.  

Now, lets look at Hale, the school with the stronger population.   In 2013 Hale's 3rd graders average score was 366.4.  That says the majority of the students are above grade level.  In 2014 as 4th graders, the average score was 462.0.  Again way above grade level.  But...the scores dropped by 4.4 points.  Dropped.  As in, got lower.  But to the powers that be, that doesn't matter because the kids are above the standards.

So the teachers with the poorest families, most challenging behaviors, most inconsistent attendance, lowest academic levels, actually made the most growth...

I leave you with the question I started with...where are the "best" teachers? 

Yes I know I only looked at one class in two different schools...my point is, shouldn't we change the way we define successful teachers and schools based on growth?  Shouldn't every single child in every single school be expected to grow academically each school year regardless of where they start out?  Growth matters.  When I have some extra time, I may do the same comparison with other schools...but that's a big undertaking for a crazy single mom working in an inner city school....so it might be a long time coming... :)

Slam into the 21st Century Personalized Ornament Makers!

Yes.  This will be rant.  You have been warned.  Every single Christmas the reality of the nation's definition of family hits me when I get a catalog from the company Personalized Creations.  You see it too when you go to the mall or state fair and see those kiosks were the proudly display and sell personalized ornaments or figurines or puzzles or whatever you want with you and your loved ones' names hand written on them.  Here's the deal personalized creations people, not all families are made up of only white faces.  Not all families have faces of all the same hue in them.  Not all families are made up of a mom, a dad, and a kid or two who look like them.  Not all grandparents have grandkids with peachy faces, blue eyes, and golden locks of hair.  Some families are proud of the diversity they have in hair color, skin tone, eye color, gender, etc and want to celebrate and commemorate those traits in a yearly tradition of getting an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree or wherever.  My family has a set of grandparents (my parents) who are white and their four children, again who are white.  Two of those children are married, two are not.  Then they have eight beautiful, adored grandchildren.  Two are lovely red headed, pale complected, girls with blue eyes; one tall, handsome copper skinned Native American and African American boy with thick, coarse black hair; one tall, handsome; pale boy with brown eyes and brown/blonde hair and freckles sprinkled across his nose; one tall, skinny, caramel colored boy with brown hair and striking light hazel eyes, one short, dark chocolate boy with dark brown eyes and dark, nappy, curly hair; one light caramel creamy skinned boy with big brown eyes, almost blonde tightly curled hair; and one light nutter butter boy with straight, thick brown hair with random red and blonde highlights and beautiful brown eyes.  We would love to be able to find an ornament that celebrates this diversity, but we can't.  As a single mom, I can't even find one that honors just me and my son as a family.  Yeah, can't do the family ones with the last name, because our last names are different.  The ornaments that have just two faces on them are obviously couples.  The family designed ones look like something's missing if you don't have at least three of the round faces.  How hard would it be to create more current designs that reflect the diversity of modern families.  I mean, really?  I am happy to design them if you need some ideas....

Sure, keep blaming the teachers, why not?

For the last two decades or so, as public education in the United States keeps getting worse and worse, the teachers keep getting the blame.  Its our fault kids don't meet state standards on standardized state assessments and national standards based on nationally normed exams.  What no one talks about is the fact that the only thing teachers control at any level within the classroom is...well...nothing.  Standards and tests and levels and curriculum are set and chosen by people higher up the educational food chain and pay scale than we are, mostly by people who have never ever been a teacher of the content or grade level that they are choosing or creating the curriculum or standards for.  We, the folks who work with the kids all day, every day, year in and year out, are not considered experts at our craft or content or management.  We have to get our directives from those powers that be that I previously mentioned.  And, those directives can be sure to change every two to four years or change when a new power that be takes control and that person has a stake in some new fangled way of teaching Math, or Science, or Social Studies, or penmanship...oh wait, that got tossed out.  Kids don't need to know how to write or sign their names, we live in a digital age!  That is, unless they want to fill out a job application or sign a legally binding document...but that's not important.  

Why do teachers leave the chaos that is the educational system in the US?  Especially in urban areas?  Because we can't take it anymore.  The expectations are too high with zero voice and zero support.  For example, in several schools I have worked at personal safety is a real issue.  Urban middle school students have a lot of issues going on in their hormone and emotion filled bodies and when they snap-and snap they will under the pressure of life-its the teachers who feel it.  Sure there are "Behavior Deans" and "Security" personnel at high poverty urban schools.  The issue is that there are not enough of them.  In the five different urban schools I have been in, none of them had a system in place to actually prevent violence or protect teachers and staff.  Its only by the grace of God that I haven't been hurt or been in a situation where a student got hurt because of rampage of another student in my classroom.  "Well, why don't you just call for help?" you ask, with an accusing tone in your voice.  Well gee, why didn't I think of that?  I DID call for help.  My coworkers DID call for help.  Dozens of times.  We called the behavior team number, we called each secretary in the office, we called the social worker, we called the special education teachers, we called every single number in the entire school directory to get help...and guess what?  No one picked up the phone.  This is not an isolated incident.  It doesn't just happen to me.  Teachers are completely unsupported in certain situations and left without any sense of back up.  Its a very scary place to be-to be responsible for 25-35 young lives with no back up.  Its a feeling of complete helplessness and fear that you can do nothing about.  There is always some reason for no one coming...they were dealing with another discipline issue....they were at lunch duty....they were out of the building...they were away from their desk for a meeting...there isn't enough staff...there isn't enough money...and on and on and on.  Its only a matter of time before something truly tragic happens when one of those kids snap in a classroom and teacher calls for support and no one answers and no one comes.  Then what?

As outsiders look at the data for high poverty schools and the so called 'ratings' and 'teaching ability' of those teachers, do they consider these factors?  Do they consider other factors?

For example, I was teaching in a high poverty school where I had to use a curriculum that was designed to be taught in a 90 minute class period.  I had 50 minutes.  Students were expected to use this very expensive online computer program and record themselves reading.  This highly effective program required the use of headphones and microphones.  That worked.  I didn't have any.  I requested them.  Oh, there's no money for that, you have to work with what you have or buy your own.  This curriculum also expected each student to have a workbook/textbook that they wrote in every single day.  Its a very interactive program where students need to highlight, mark text, answer questions, use graphic organizers, etc IN the workbook.  Yeah, there was only enough money for five or ten workbooks. So, not only could students NOT write in the required workbook at all but we didn't have enough for every student to have one book at the same time.  Just make copies for the other kids, right?  Um, have you seen the copy budget or the actual copiers in urban schools?  Not gonna happen.  If the copier is working and doesn't run out of toner or jam every other job, its a good day.  The other component of this program was independent reading.  Students had to read books at their reading level for 20 minutes a day.  Where did these books come from?  Yeah, no where.  The program also had lovely audio books the kids could listen to.  But yeah, no CD players or headphones were available.  That year, I spent a small fortune on my classroom.

Of course, when test scores came back, my kids made gains but certainly not the gains the district or school expected.  Oh I also forgot to mention that there was a knock down, drag out fight probably once a week....and attendance was spotty at best...and kids kept choosing to switch classes...and my class became the behavior dumping ground rather than reading intervention course....and parents didn't come to conferences or return calls or sometimes even have the same phone number for more than a week..but none of that is considered.  I am expected, as the teacher of these kids who are below grade level, to catch them up.  Build relationships with them.  Have high expectations.  Teach like a champion.

Reality is, my time teaching in urban schools always felt like I was attempting to swim across the ocean with no arms.  But, I am expected to make it across faster than the person swimming in a climate controlled pool, with googles, a wet suit, flippers, a cheering squad, and every other possible support and resource known to swimming.  

We have to look at the whole picture when looking at the job teachers do.  We have to look from the top down and the inside out.  We have to consider every aspect of the job and the classroom and the school before we compare teachers or decide who is the best and who is the worst.  I'd love to see some of those bad teacher blaming folks who think they can do it better to take a month in some of the classrooms I have been in.  If you can do it better, then do it.  Otherwise work to support teachers.  Encourage teachers.  Reform schools.  Call on administrators and school boards to change their policies.  Demand better resources and support for the teachers.

Operation Radical Simplification #1

Since my days of forced simple living from 1999-2000 with Team Voltron for Mission Year I have been dabbling in the discipline of simplicity.  As I have gotten older and lived more I realize every single day how much stuff I have accumulated and how truly meaningless 95% of that stuff is.  American culture is a consumer driven culture.  We, as good citizens, are expected to fuel our economy and help create jobs and wealth by making sure we participate in our economy.  The problem is, its all gotten completely out of hand.  We have become a throw away society.  We get rid of stuff not because its no longer useful or its been used up but simply because we don't like it anymore.  The pattern on the couch doesn't compliment those we see on television or in magazines.  Trends change so our decor must keep up.  Same with our clothes, beauty products, shoes, rugs, picture frames, cars, houses, bedding, plates, cookware, socks, etc.  Its really ridiculous when you think about it.  In our global society that is media driven and saturated with information every single person in ht United States is woefully aware of how other people around the world live on much, much less than we do.  The crazy thing is, we usually feel pity for those poor souls with no expendable income to buy more clothes, shoes, video games, and random crap to sit around on our coffee tables, counters and shelves to make us look chic.  I don't feel pity for those people.  I am envious of their freedom.  Of course, I am talking about people who have food, shelter, running water, etc....well maybe not even running water...but people who are able to live with less and be content.  And be happy.

This year I am consciously starting Operation Radical Simplification.  I have done tons of reading, tons of soul searching, tons of thinking on the topic and now, I am moving closer to where I want to be.  Before I moved into my home just over a year ago, I went through a major purge.  I am in the process of doing that again now.

It's taken me a while to get going with the actual removal of stuff from my home because of the guilt I felt.  My house is full of gifts people have given me and stuff that I have foolishly spent my hard earned money on over the years.  Again, the vast majority of that stuff is truly meaningless to me at this point in my quest for simplicity.  Please don't be offended or misunderstand me.  I understand that some stuff holds a great deal of meaning for people  I have books that I will never part with.  I have gifts from friends-like a small statue of three cats that my coworker Tasha gave me during my first year of teaching in Chicago, pictures in frames that I love, a yellow flowered napkin holder that holds endless happy memories from my childhood days visiting my Aunt Amy and Uncle Pete.  But there are also many, many things that simply have no meaning for me any longer or were bought during a random phase in my life or were bought simply to decorate.  Again, decorating is fine, but I want my decor to be simple and intentional.  I don't want a house full of stuff that just sits around with no real purpose.  Of course, I will have some things around and I will choose those items carefully and with intention.  And, some things will inevitably end up in a box to be kept in storage because they still have meaning for me but I don't want them out.  Eventually, my goal is to even let go of those things that sit in boxes in the shed.

I've been struggling with this shift to minimalist simplicity for a long time because it is completely counter cultural.  For the last six weeks stores have been full of Halloween decorations.  Now, they are full of Christmas decorations.  While at WalMart today (generally I don't shop at WalMart but my mom wanted bath rugs that were there, so there I was) I had a hard time not stocking on up on clearance Halloween stuff and getting some Christmas decor for this year.  But I stopped myself and I thought about it...and when I really, truly think about it, I don't want any of that.  I don't want to take the time or spend the money on changing my decor for the seasons. I'd rather use my money to provide food, shelter, clothing, education or hope in some way to the world.

This journey has been a long journey because it is so counter cultural.  To choose to live simply and to choose to reject consumerism and cultural expectations of stuff is hard.  Every day I see the decorations, I see the new trends, I hear people discussing their plans for redecorating, I see the cute, fun stuff at Target or wherever I am, I see the endless ads that pop up on facebook and get the daily emails of great deals that are in my future to make my life better.  I'm focusing my heart, soul and mind on realizing that the stuff they are selling will not make my life better.  Its stuff that will take my money, take my time, and add to stuff in my life and home I have to take care of.

My goal is for every thing within my home to be one of the following: useful or meaningful and lasting.  Useful means it is something I have used within the last year.  There are things that we all have that we don't use every day-or even every month-but they are still useful and worth keeping around.  My cookie press for example, only comes out at Christmas time for baking.  My pie plates are used mostly at Thanksgiving.  My extra casserole dishes are used only sometimes.  But even with that stuff, as I am going through this process I am being strict with myself.  If it hasn't been used in a year, it needs to go.  And then the flip side comes in, when shopping, I need to be intentional as well.  I have to limit myself to only purchasing something that I know I will use immediately and repeatedly.  And if there is any question as to the object in question's true usefulness, it needs to stay in the store.

I also want everything in my home to bring me joy.  That is going to take longer to make happen because it will involve carefully, intentionally saving up money to buy furniture that will be lasting and useful.  That requires a lot of planning, measuring, and shopping around.

I have no idea how long this process will take or what the end result will be...but I am on my way...today there are three big bags of clothing/blankets/etc and a couple of boxes of other stuff to be given away...

Failure IS an Option

In July of 2008 a close friend and I started a tradition of meeting once a year to reflect on the year and to set goals for the upcoming year together so we could hold each other accountable and therefore, be more likely to reach our goals.  This year was our 6th accountability day.  Yes day.  We meet at Caribou and start out b reading the reflections and goals from the prior years and then write a reflection on the last year, then we set new goals and share them with each other.  There is true vulnerability and honesty between us so we allow plenty of time to discuss and share with one another.  Its been a profoundly interesting experience.  Each year, we have set some of the same basic goals-get financially stable, eat better, lose weight, etc, etc, etc.  At this point in time, she is at the highest weight she has been since we started meeting and I am still horrible with my finances and haven't set or stuck to a budget.  We have made progress in other areas though, in the goals that we set that were very specific.  For example, last year one of my goals was to host a holiday dinner/event for my family and I did, indeed succeed!  I even hosted TWO-Christmas Eve and Easter with success.  She had successes as well.  However, the two biggest goals showed up every year with little to no progress. 

Today as I was sharing my reflection, she looked over at my paper and noticed that next to each of last year's goals I wrote in all capital letters:  FAIL.  Of course, next to the one about hosting holiday dinners I put a check mark or smiley face or something.  When she noticed my FAIL note by each of the unmet goals, she looked at me with a sad face and said that wasn't very nice.  She was super encouraging and said, "you tried", etc, etc, etc.  I responded, "but that is what I did.  I FAILED.  I failed to meet my goals."

This brief exchange got me to thinking about how we address failure in our culture.  In schools, we adopted the No Child Left Behind law which has that goal of all kids meeting standards, no one failing.  Before my friend got to our meeting, I overheard a group of ladies complaining about how their kids are just passed on to the next grade or next class regardless of their academic progress or ability or learning because of the law.  As a teacher, I am all to familiar with this.  In kids' sports, every kid gets trophy for participation in sports.  The blessing of failure has been killed.

Blessing of failure?  Yes.  By failing you learn what you can and cannot do.  You learn what hard work really means.  You learn to re-evaluate your actions so that you can meet your goal, or you adjust your goal to meet your abilities and needs.  I fear we have become people addicted to mediocrity and every body wins philosophy in the name of encouragement and building self esteem.  But...but telling kids everyone is a winner and rewarding all abilities the same, aren't we, in fact, harming self esteem by creating unrealistic self images? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to degrade or insult kids or start emphasizing the losers in a situation.  But kids need to learn early on that failure is an option. They can be unsuccessful.  That is reality.  There will more than likely be someone better than them at something at some point in their life-which is good!  If they fail, and its handled correctly, its not a shameful, embarrassing, paralyzing experience.  Its empowering.   By not winning all their games, the kids learn the importance of practice.  By not passing a class, they learn the importance of homework or paying attention or not being on their friggen cell phones all day long instead of focusing on learning.  By not making the team, the learn that they are better at a different sport or-gasp-they are a musician instead of an athlete (and vice versa). 

We need to adjust our thinking about failure to see it as what it is: a part of life.  No one is perfect.  No one excels at everything.  By failing we learn.  We adjust.  Or at least we should...since no one is failing anymore, is anyone really succeeding?

The key word in the phrase is OPTION.  It's not inevitable.  You don't have to fail, but it is possible.  It is an option you can CHOOSE.  Failure isn't some obscure, random event that happens.  Its a consequence of actions.  Why did I fail to meet my goals?  Because I didn't do the work to achieve those goals.  Of course circumstances beyond our control can impede our progress.  I had an unplanned pregnancy and got laid off from jobs.  These events were unexpected and threw a wrench into my plans.  My friend's husband had a stroke and ended up losing his company and was unable to work causing financial ruin. That impeded her progress.  But, do these events release us from all responsibility?  No.

Being unemployed for the periods of time I was should have (and could have) been times of incredible growth and progress for me.  Being pregnant could have (and should have) been strong motivation to eat better, exercise and save money.  But they weren't.  I used them as excuses to fail.  And, people around me let me.  We are so afraid of being honest with people regarding life progress and meeting goals that we have become the failure killers.  And, by killing failure, we enable cycles of non growth and non progress.  Its time to realize and accept that failure is an option and face it in healthy, motivating, honest ways. 

This realization today helped us to address our goals in a different way. We are focusing on three words for this year:  Planning, Discipline and Choice.  These three actions are the key to success...more on this later...

Grilled cheese AND Chicken nuggets...the battle of wills.

Few parents will tell you the gory details of parenthood.  Most like to gloss over the struggles so as not to scare those without children or to avoid judgement by super parents out there with always clean, always submissive, always angelic little lovelies.  My four year old son and I have had some epic battles over the last four years. Tonight it was the great Grilled Cheese/Chicken Nugget battle of 2014.  Caleb asked for dinner, I said, okay what do you want?  This is our usual dinner time set up-I know, I know, I should plan meals, we should sit at a table and eat together at the same time every night, I had that growing up and it was wonderful.  I'm a single mom.  Its me and him.  When I make a nice dinner generally he will only pick at it and eat half and I eat my portion and we have tons of leftovers that never really get eaten...so I have given up the "lets sit together and have dinner and eat the same thing battle" for now.  We do sit down together, but we don't always eat the same thing. 

Okay, back to the point-the battle.  So, Caleb said, "I want grilled cheese AND chicken nuggets for dinner!"  He was in a good mood but did miss a nap today so I should have been on the offensive and been prepared.  I should have just offered him one thing rather than leaving it open for him to choose...alas hindsight is 20/20 and being proactive as a parent is always good.  I dropped the ball on this one.  I responded, choose one.  You can't have both.  Holy hell you would think I was asking him to make Sophie's Choice.  He began yelling, screaming, begging, pleading "I WANT BOTH!"  I put him in his room and shut the door telling him when he's ready to choose and calm down, to let me know.  That was going on 30 minutes ago.  I check on him every ten or so minutes.  The cry is still the same, "I WANT BOTH!"

This is where the real nuts and bolts, hardcore parenting comes in.  The stuff that they don't tell you about.  Does it really matter what he has for dinner?  Could I make him grilled cheese and chicken nuggets without destroying the world?  Of course.  However, the battle is not about what to eat.  The battles are never about what they seem.  The fact of the matter is, I said "no, choose one."  So, I have to stick to that.  If I want any level of respect from my son, I have to stick to what I say.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  Does it drive me insane that I am listening to him scream and cry and yell for now going on 45 minutes about something that I can easily fix?  Sure does.  But, as a parent, you always have to keep the bigger picture in mind.  Caleb need to know that what I say means something.  He needs to know that he can't always get what he wants.  He needs to know how to submit.  Which is completely against his nature because it is also against mine.  I know this about him and I know the struggles he will have in life if he doesn't learn how to accept things and make tough choices.

This is certainly not the first, nor will it be the last battle.  To parent, you need to be okay with hearing a kid scream and making him unhappy.  You have to let them struggle.  You have to let them be angry at you.  You can not take battles personally or be afraid to stand your ground.  Its exhausting....but worth it.  

Flirting with Minimalism...time to commit?

Back during my time in Chicago with Mission Year, I was first introduced to the concept of minimalism by reading the simply profound book by Richard Foster The Freedom of Simplicity.  At that time in my life it was incredibly easy to follow the guidelines for simple living because I had no real control over my own life or choices.  I was committed to the Mission year lifestyle-they controlled my finances-I got $45 a month 'spending money' which was all I had for shampoo, conditioner, make up, coffee, etc.  And, we got $120 a week for groceries for six people.  The beautiful thing is, we did it.  For a year (okay 11 months if you want to get technical) I happily lived that way.  My team of six people learned how to budget, plan meals, and spend our grocery money wisely-even with a vegetarian in the house-and were even able to splurge for a Lou Malnati's pizza every now and again.  Why did it work?  Because the control was taken from us.  We had no access to finances.  Our job was to learn how to show Christ's love to people in the neighborhood by building relationships, being good neighbors, listening, and learning from the people around us.  That time in my life was 14 years ago....holy crap am I getting old or what???  Since then, I have made and wasted more money than I can possibly imagine.  Honestly, if I sat down and actually analyzed my finances over the last 14 years, Richard Foster would actively and loudly shame me and Mission Year would not claim me as an alumni. 

Recently, the discipline of simplicity and minimalism and the battle against consumerism has come to the forefront of my mind and soul again.  Last August I moved into a new home and in the process started phase one of operation simplify and downsize.  In the process of packing I gave away truckloads of stuff that I knew I didn't use, need, or want anymore.  Then I moved and unpacked and phase two began, where I gave away even more stuff.  Now, I've been in my new place for almost a year-it will be a year in August 2014-and I still have five or so boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked.  In a frantic search for my car title, I sifted through most of those boxes over the last couple of days and ya know what?  I don't need any of it.  The question is, do I want it?  And if I do what it, for what?  Which brings me to phase 3 in my quest for simplicity...changing my mindset and desires and definitions to fit the concept of minimalism. 

Meaning, I have to redefine and retrain myself about what it means to want vs need.  I need to redefine what is useful and what is not.  And, I need to act on and live those definitions in every day life.  This is where the commitment comes into play.  Sure, I can flirt with the concept of minimalist simplicity.  I can read the blogs, share the snappy quotes, give stuff away every season but if I just buy new stuff that I don't really need or want to replace the stuff I gave away, what does it matter?  Or if I am not changing the way I take care of the possessions I do have to ensure they last a long time, it doesn't matter.  Its all talk.  I don't want it to be all talk.  I need to redefine contentment and happiness for myself and my son and build the foundation of our lives on the values I believe in so that we are living an authentic life. 

This all begs the question, "how the hell do I do that?"  Which is what I am pondering this beautiful Saturday morning in May while on my porch listening to birds sing and enjoying a light breeze.  The more and more I think about it, the more I think it all comes down to intentionality and planning. Planning meaning, taking the time each week to sit down and plan meals-exactly and stick to that plan and use that plan to buy groceries for the week-just what we need, just what we will use.  Sit down and plan what we will wear each day and make sure those clothes are clean and in the process, go through my closet and get rid of every single piece of clothing that I have not worn and...this is the kicker...and not replace those pieces with anything unless its an intentional, planned, valuable expense that lines up with the rest of the plan.  (Of course, what the rest of the plan is, I don't know yet.)

My friend Angela and I once declared ourselves superheros.  My superhero name was RandomGirl because I have no plan.  I have no routine.  I crave structure and routine and plans yet when I have them, I reject them because they feel restrictive and limiting and what if I want something else for dinner?  What if I don't feel like wearing that outfit on Tuesday?  The answer: who cares?  Why does it matter what I wear which day of the week?  Why does it matter if its a planned outfit?  Its clothing for crying out loud not heart surgery.  Why do I feel stifled by the idea of planning choices ahead of time?  I feel like its taking away my freedom to choose.  In reality, its not.  I'm still choosing, I just made the choice earlier than usual and, in making that choice earlier, I am giving myself more freedom because I am eliminating a level of chaos from my life.

This summer I am going to slowly step up my commitment to simplicity and minimalism...the hamster wheel in my brain is spinning with ideas and plans to start, tools to put in place to help me on the journey.  I'm marinating on those thoughts and ideas and working out a plan...as the plan grows to fruition, I will share it and share my progress on the commitment and plan...its overwhelming but in a good, manageable way.

Introverted Single Mother

I always thought  was an extrovert.  The first inklings I had to my true introverted nature came during my Grad School/Teaching residency experience in 2005-2006.  During that time, I was with people 12 or more hours a day.  I worked in a classroom with students for a full school day then attended classes with my cohort in the evenings.  During this incredibly insane time I became a bit of a hermit.  At the time, I just figured it was stress and the work load of being a full time Masters degree student and a full time teacher.  Then came my first year of teaching.  Again, I was solely responsible for the learning of 35-42 high energy eighth grade students on the 2nd floor of the school where there was only one other teacher housed.  Well, that's not completely true.  On the far other end of the second floor were the art and drama teachers but on our end, it was me and the 7th grade teacher and about 75 urban middle school kids.  That year I lived about two miles from the school I worked at and I remember never turning the radio on in my car for the brief ride home-usually after working for at least 10 hours.  And I remember coming home and just sitting on my couch to decompress for awhile not even wanting my adorable cats to come near me for at least an hour.  I didn't turn the tv on.  I didn't turn music on.  I pushed my cats away.  I needed to be alone.  Completely and utterly alone to refuel for at least an hour or so.  Again, that year was a pretty dry year in terms of my social life.  The following year was similar due to the school I was working at.  Then I moved back to Minneapolis from Chicago and became somewhat more social.  I have never been a social butterfly.   I prefer small groups of friends with intimate connections to large parties, etc.  I hate striking up conversations with people and small talk terrifies me.  Still, during these times I thought of myself as an extrovert.  Why?  I have no idea.  Probably because I enjoy being around people...but I don't particularly enjoy actually interacting with people.  Its a fine line to walk.  I love working at a coffee shop. I love the bustle of people and the music playing but I don't want to actually interact with the bustle or the people.  I'm there for the ambiance and the illusion of social networking.  The truth of my introvertedness hit me like a ton of bricks when I became a single mother working full time. 

A definition I found for introvert is:  "Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge.""

As a truly single parent (meaning I am solely responsible for the care of my child 24/7/365 because his father chooses not to be an active parent and lives 450 miles away.  Yes he pays child support but the actual care giving is all me, all the time), I have been in a state of constant exhaustion.  Not simply from the demands of parenthood and working and the balancing act that is life but because I don't have the much needed alone time to recharge my introverted nature.  I chose a profession where I am with people and giving myself to students during the entire workday.  I don't even have an office to myself-its shared with the entire English department.  I don't even have a classroom to myself-I move to different rooms each hour.  During the school day from 7:10am until 2:50pm I am surrounded by people.  Non stop.  Then, I have a quick (again silent) 10 minute drive to pick up my precious boy who I am then with until bedtime.  And, he is a kid who doesn't need a lot of sleep, so his bedtime is usually pretty much the same as mine.  This begs the question, when does this introvert recharge?   I think that is what I need to figure out...I need to schedule a little bit of decompression time into my daily and weekly routine.  I need to be creative to figure it out and force myself to take the time for my own sanity and to be the best mother I can be.  This realization came to me over the last few weeks as I was trying to figure out why I always feel so completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Its because I am not taking care of my introverted single mother self and am allowing myself to become drained to the point of no return...to the point where I am no good to anyone and my energy is completely gone.

So, time to get creative and figure out how to incorporate that recharging time...

treasures, hearts and legacy

Throughout my life I have struggled with financial responsibility.  I suck at paying my bills on time (if at all), my credit is crap, I owe family members lots and lots of moolah.  I've been reading a lot of financial planning/responsibility books/articles by all the big names: Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, stuff from Richard Foster, pocket your dollars, the minimalist movement, etc.  I know in my head what I need to do to become financially wise, stable and responsible.  Its not at all a knowledge issue.  I know without a doubt that having McDonalds for breakfast and dinner is not financially responsible, wise or being a good steward of the immeasurable gifts God has given me.  Yet, I make that choice.  So the issue becomes an issue of will.  Sure there are lots of 'reasons' I suck with money.  Lots of excuses I could make.  I could spend even more time and money going to counseling to get to the deep roots of what need I am trying to feed with my bad spending...but...none of that really matters.  What matters is the choices I make.  And, thanks to the TV show Lucky Dog, what motivates me.  See, on Lucky Dog this week on CBS the dog training guru Brandon McMillan was attempting to train a high energy rescue dog named Charlie so she can be adopted into a family with a dog who needs a friend.  As he was working with Charlie (who is part lab part some other crazy high energy, playful dog), he started off offering her treats to listen to his commands.  She didn't give a flying fig about the delectable snacks he offered.  Charlie was not motivated by food.  So, rather than keep up the crazy food motivation, the wise Brandon took out a tennis ball in an attempt to lure sweet Charlie into obedience.  And ya know what?  It worked!  That spazzy, immature, stray dog became calm, motivated, ready to please and so whatever it took to get the green fuzzy sphere of fun that Brandon controlled.  This got me thinking...how does that apply to human behavior?  Specifically me and my issues with money.

The books I have read and articles I have come across mostly use money and wealth to motivated people to use money and wealth wisely.  Like: invest your money now so you can retire early and travel the world, or get a nice car, or get a fancy schamancy house or fill in the blank with the materialistic desire of your heart.  For me, this is the problem.  I am not motivated by that stuff.  I don't really want to be rich for the sake of being able to buy bigger, better stuff.  I don't even really want to be rich at all.  My financial desire for my live is to be stable-pay all my bills, have a nice size savings account so that when my car needs breaks or the washer breaks down I can pay cash and get er done, have money for Caleb's college, and, perhaps, be able to take some vacations every now and again AND be able to give.  To give ridiculously generously to whomever I choose for whatever reason I choose without abandon.

I'm reading an historical fiction novel by Bodie Thoene called When Jesus Wept.  Its a beautifully written, creatively told, take on the relationship Jesus had with Lazarus, Mary and Martha.  (Note:  it is FICTION, so please please please don't get into some crazy fundamentalist debate with me about the accuracy of the story.)  In the story, after Mary experiences the transforming love of Christ in person, she opens her home and wealth up to the least of these among her.  When her brother and sister (who had not had their own intimate interactions with Jesus yet) found out about this reckless abandon and dramatic change in her life, Lazarus said, "It seemed to me, Mary's generosity to the needy had become careless and profligate."  For those of you who, like me didn't know, profligate means:  recklessly extravagant or wasteful in the use of resources. 

This part brought to my mind the verses about storing up treasures in heaven rather than on earth where rust and moth destroy and where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Many people see the verse about storing up treasures in heaven to mean as you do good work on earth, your material treasure in heaven is bigger and better.  You get more jewels in your crown, etc.  But I wonder, does that materialistic view of treasures in heaven really line up with Jesus?  I mean, if different people have different jewels and materials in heaven, how is that paradise?  I wonder if it means more of intangible treasures.  I wonder if Jesus is talking about lives impacted.  Society helped.  People encouraged.  I wonder if the treasures are really more legacies.  Legacies of recklessly extravagant generosity.  Not building up a mountain of money, investments, houses, boats, vacation homes, etc that will all be left to rust or get fought over by people seeking more consumer pleasure from your hard work.  What if, its about providing meals to people who need them?  Or clothes?  Or cars?  Or homes?  Or being recklessly extravagant in your funding of missionaries and community developers or educators around the world (or in your neighborhood) you are doing the hard work of kingdom building that not all of us are called to or able to do?  Doesn't that line up more with the God of love and provision that we know?  God provides for the children He created and loves THROUGH the children he created and loves.  The incredible wealth of Christians in America is staggering...if we started to give like Mary...if we sought to invest in a legacy...if we became truly, honestly, intentionally, deeply, recklessly extravagant and free in our generosity what could be accomplished?

That is my motivation for financial security.  I want to be able to freely, generously, recklessly give as the generous lover of my soul guides me to. And to do this all without keeping a record, or looking for a tax deduction, or expecting anything in return.  Just giving with God as my guide and faith in the legacy and long term.  People take advantage of these situations, I know, but so what?  I want to be in a place where financially, it won't hurt if that happens.  Sure, it will hurt my heart, but if I am giving by God's leading, then the giving is His not mine.  All I have is His.  He will guide and take care of the rest. 

I'm also not talking about the KTIS "Drive Through Difference" thing-buying souls for Jesus.  I'm talking about really providing for someone's deepest needs-not a cup of five dollar coffee on their way to work.  (Yes, I know, I am cynical and evil but I HATE the Drive Through Difference being made into a sharing the gospel kind of thing...its about being kind and generous but I find it very hard to believe the someones ENTIRE LIFE was changed and they found Jesus and salvation because someone bough their over indulgent coffee.  If someone is IN the drive through already ordering a $5 latte, they HAVE the money to buy it.  Its not a blessing in the sense of meeting someone's true need.  Yes, it brings a smile to their face.  Yes, it sends some light into the world.  Yes, hopefully it makes them a little kinder.  But is it life changing?  No. End of rant.)

I'm talking about making financial choices in a whole different way on every level of life in a way that intentionally impacts the Kingdom of God.  Thinking about needs vs wants in a deeper way.  Considering where you shop and why.  Looking into the practices of companies you support-what is their salary scale?  What benefits are offered?  How do they treat their wealth?  Asking tough questions of yourself.  Living a less consumer driven life...What that looks like in reality...I dunno yet.  Is it even possible?  I have no idea...its an inspiring vision though...I'll keep you posted.  

Graceful kindness versus being a dormat...is balance possible?

My son's father, who lives in Chicago, had not seen Caleb since July.  Before that, it was January of 2013.  I have mounds and mounds of single mother guilt because my boy doesn't see his father on a regular basis.  Because we were not married when Caleb was conceived we have not had to set up an official custody or visitation agreement.  We did go to court and do child support, which has been paid consistently and fully.  Because of the distance between us-400ish miles-I have worked very hard to be graceful and kind regarding visits from dad.  When Caleb was a baby/toddler I allowed the dad to stay at my house when he wanted to visit Caleb.  While he stayed with us, I split the cost of meals out and opened all aspects of my home to him.  (Sidenote:  there is absolutely no romantic or sexual attraction or feelings or anything remotely like that happening between us-to be perfectly honest, the reverse is true.  When I am with him, I breathe a sigh of relief that the relationship is in the past.)  Dad has been bugging me to allow Caleb to go to Chicago to meet that side of his family by himself....as in...without me.   I said that was not going to happen-Caleb is is too young to take that trip on his own and be in a completely unfamiliar situation with essential strangers without his mommy.   This is a huge reason why I allowed him to stay at my home when he visited...to ease some of the financial burden of the expense of traveling.  That's the graceful kindness coming out again.  My financial situation has been precarious since Caleb was born with several job changes, layoffs, etc but has finally stabilized over the last six months.  Dad doesn't pay for anything other than child support.  I asked him to split the cost of Caleb's soccer this fall and he said he couldn't afford it because he had to get new windows for his house.  The total cost was less than $40.  The man refused to come up with $20 so his son could play soccer.  But I digress...

Back in October I started asking dad what his plans were for the holidays.  He never initiates conversations about visits.  He mentioned paying for Caleb's flight and a hotel if we came out there for part of the upcoming holiday break.  I did some research and told him about great deals I had found-flights for $89 round trip, nice hotel near him for less than $500/week.  He dilly dallied around and didn't get back to me about what he wanted to do until the week before our break.  At that time, my aunt had died unexpectedly so our holiday plans got moved back so that I could attend the funeral in Milwaukee.  I texted dad and told him that the trip wasn't going to work out because of the funeral, etc.  Long story short, after several discussions, it was decided that I would drive Caleb and I to Chicago IF dad agreed to pay for the gas and the hotel room and meals.  I gave him an honest estimate about the cost of gas-around $200.  He agreed to that and to provide dinner for me and Caleb each night.  So, I packed us up and headed out.  Giving up five days of my break.  Five days of my time.  Out of gracious kindness.  Honestly, when we planned it, I was happy to do it.  I want my son to know his father.  I want him to spend time with him and his family.  Of course, things did not go as planned in many, many ways.  At one point, there was a blow out where he called me selfish and said that he would get official visitation set up so that I couldn't be so selfish with our son.

I didn't react too much.  I wanted to explode.  I wanted to tell him everything he didn't want to know about himself.  I didn't though.  I held back and simply said that he can feel free to file the paperwork to get an official visitation agreement set up.  This was the start of the tipping point for me.  When we got ready to leave, the final tipping point happened...he handed me an envelope of money.  I had given him the receipts for the cost of the gas on the trip there which totaled $105.  So, I expected that the envelope would contain at least $200.  He hands me the money and says, "its about $170 because I had to break a $20 a buy Caleb dinner last night."  Again, I didn't react as I could have...but I was furious.  Livid.  To top it off, I brought some of Caleb's most recent school pictures to see if he wanted to buy some to share with his friends and family.  I gave him the big, fancy collage picture as a gift.  As I packing things up to head home, I noticed that he took the envelope of pictures and put them in his stuff.  I took it back.  Missing was one 8 x 10 photo.  I asked him where it was.  His response, "I took it."  I asked him if he was going to ay for the photos?  Again, he said no.  Again, I feel completely taken advantage of and angry.  I informed him that the cost of the pictures (with the copyright release so I can print additional images on my own) was $110.  I informed him that if he wanted any additional copies of the pictures to share with friends and family, he would have to pay for half.  He was angry.  My graceful kindness has run out.  And I feel guilty.  Because I want my son to know his father and I have mounds of single mother guilt.

The events of this weekend have made me wonder if its possible to have a balance between graceful kindness and being taken advantage of in this situation and in others.  We encounter things like this all time and Christians (which I am) are expected and 'called' to be graceful, turn the other cheek, etc, etc, etc.  But I wonder, to what end?  I have known several good Christian people (mostly women) who give above and beyond to be graceful in all circumstances, sacrificing incredible amounts of themselves and their resources to care for and help others...and they have ended up with nothing (or less than nothing) in several situations.  Yes, they have given their all to help others but what have they lost in the lack of equal exchange?  I learned this weekend, that I can not give any more to the father of my son without some sort of return on the investment.  I'm not asking for financial compensation...its about appreciation.  Understanding.  Some level of gratitude.  In this situation, I am the giver and he is the taker and I have no more to give.  The tricky part is that I feel like I should give more.  I feel like its my responsibility to do all I can to facilitate that relationship (between my son and his father).  Where does that guilt come from?  Is the the Judeo-Christian "grace" guilt?  Is it the "you got knocked up by a man who lives 400 miles away without being married to him" guilt?  Is it my fault that Caleb's dad is not in his life?  I know in my head that its not...I even know in my heart that's not true.  But I still battle those feelings and struggle to achieve some sort of balance and boundaries in this relationship.  I don't want things to get nasty or angry or to have any fights like we had this weekend again...but I don't know how to move forward.  How do I stand my ground without things becoming combative?  How do I move forward with this without it appearing that I am keeping Caleb from his dad?  Because that is not at all my desire.  I want him to know his dad.  I want him to spend time with his dad.  I want it to be safe, and non stressful for Caleb.  I want to know that my boy is not freaking out.  After this trip, I know that Caleb would be okay without me right there.  But I also know that I am not investing any time or money into out of state visits without some sort of official agreement set up.   Boundaries need to be set...and kept.

So I come home from the weekend happy that Caleb got to spend time with his dad and grateful that he got to meet people from that side of his family and ecstatic that the daddy/Cale time went well and my boy was happy...but I also came home overwhelmed with what happens now.  I gotta figure out how to be graceful without being a doormat...being strong without being manipulative....being firm without being mean.  I also have to learn that the perception the dad has really doesn't matter.  What matters is Caleb.  If the dad wants to believe I am selfish and manipulative and evil, that is his choice and I have to accept that.  I am learning that I do not have to be 'friends' with Caleb's dad.  I don't have to include him in our family.  He is a grown up who is responsible for facilitating his relationship with Caleb on his own.

Additional side note...when dad took Caleb for the day, I sent him with some toys and Caleb's bunny-who he loves and sleeps with almost every night.  I explained to dad the importance of this bunny and asked him to make sure it returned.  It didn't.  Bunny is missing....and it breaks my heart.  Because it says so much to me about his dad.  He cares about what is important to him, not to anyone else.  Its evident not only in the loss of bunny but in the lack of naps the days dad took Caleb as well as the lack of planning of the visit.  Dad had no plans arranged with any of his family or friends before we arrived.  He came late to breakfast.  He didn't bring Caleb back to take his naps liked I asked him to.  The bottom line is, the dad is incredibly selfish and I am not-which is why the grace has finally run out....