Mindfulness and choice...

Tonight I spent four hours in my car.  My son's father lives in the Chicagoland area and this week he asked to have Caleb.  The plan was for him to come to my house and pick Caleb up and then head back but...alas...the man can't plan to save his life.  I hadn't heard from him at all today-he said he was going to be here in the 'early afternoon.'  Around 5pm I sent him a text message asking what the plan is.  He was on his way...around Wisconsin Dells.  I asked if he was planning to spend the night and then just leave in the morning...nope.  His plan was to just pick Caleb up and head back...so, I offered to drive to meet him in Eau Claire.  He, of course, took me up on it.  So, I got my kiddo ready, finished his packing, had dinner and we hopped in the car.

Now, there are several ways I could have handled this situation, which brings me to the title of this blog entry: "Mindfulness and Choice."  I could have allowed myself to be angry and spiteful and make Caleb's dad drive all the way here, pick my kid up at ten pm, then drive all night back to Chi-Town.  That response is perfectly fair since his dad didn't keep up his end of the bargain and didn't plan his visit.  Of course, the spiteful route would have cost me a pretty worthwhile four hours.

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Instead, I chose to be mindful.  Yes, I was irked.  Yes, I wanted to wallow in the repeated irresponsible behavior of Caleb's dad.  But instead, I I chose to be positive and move forward.  The two hours to Eau Claire, with my boy in the car, again, I chose to be mindful and appreciate the time.  We talked about construction, we sang songs, we discussed angels and God, we listened to music.  I enjoyed every second of that two hours-just me and my boy in the car.  Now, is an unexpected road trip in the early evening due to someone else's choices a joyous, fun occasion?  Nope.  But regardless of the circumstances, I can chose my reaction. 

We got to the Target in Eau Claire and his dad picked him up.  It was a pleasant exchange.  I gave my boy a big hug and off they went.  I got into my car and, as usual, I got emotional.  So, I listened to some P!NK for a while in the car wallowing in my sadness.  Every time I send my boy off with his dad, I get emotional.  It brings up the feelings of loss and guilt I have for not having a 'traditional' family for my son.  It brings up the reality that I don't have control of my son's safety or anything while he is with his dad.  Leaving him and knowing he will be 450 miles away from me for four days makes my heart break.  But, I know its all going to be okay.  His dad knows how to care for kids.  He needs a relationship with his dad.  Its good for me to have to a break.  All will be well.  

As I let P!NK distract me...I felt a nudge to change the tune.  So, I grabbed some of my worship CDs and spent the majority of the two hour drive through Wisconsin back home having a truly spiritual experience.  I spent two hours listening to music that draws me closer to God-which is exactly what I needed.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job closer to home and with the same academic calendar that Caleb will have...I'm restless and disappointed at going back to the same school in Minneapolis...and, because I chose to be mindful and positive, I got two hours of focused spiritual feeding that truly has helped me to focus and change my perspective a bit.