Failure IS an Option

In July of 2008 a close friend and I started a tradition of meeting once a year to reflect on the year and to set goals for the upcoming year together so we could hold each other accountable and therefore, be more likely to reach our goals.  This year was our 6th accountability day.  Yes day.  We meet at Caribou and start out b reading the reflections and goals from the prior years and then write a reflection on the last year, then we set new goals and share them with each other.  There is true vulnerability and honesty between us so we allow plenty of time to discuss and share with one another.  Its been a profoundly interesting experience.  Each year, we have set some of the same basic goals-get financially stable, eat better, lose weight, etc, etc, etc.  At this point in time, she is at the highest weight she has been since we started meeting and I am still horrible with my finances and haven't set or stuck to a budget.  We have made progress in other areas though, in the goals that we set that were very specific.  For example, last year one of my goals was to host a holiday dinner/event for my family and I did, indeed succeed!  I even hosted TWO-Christmas Eve and Easter with success.  She had successes as well.  However, the two biggest goals showed up every year with little to no progress. 

Today as I was sharing my reflection, she looked over at my paper and noticed that next to each of last year's goals I wrote in all capital letters:  FAIL.  Of course, next to the one about hosting holiday dinners I put a check mark or smiley face or something.  When she noticed my FAIL note by each of the unmet goals, she looked at me with a sad face and said that wasn't very nice.  She was super encouraging and said, "you tried", etc, etc, etc.  I responded, "but that is what I did.  I FAILED.  I failed to meet my goals."

This brief exchange got me to thinking about how we address failure in our culture.  In schools, we adopted the No Child Left Behind law which has that goal of all kids meeting standards, no one failing.  Before my friend got to our meeting, I overheard a group of ladies complaining about how their kids are just passed on to the next grade or next class regardless of their academic progress or ability or learning because of the law.  As a teacher, I am all to familiar with this.  In kids' sports, every kid gets trophy for participation in sports.  The blessing of failure has been killed.

Blessing of failure?  Yes.  By failing you learn what you can and cannot do.  You learn what hard work really means.  You learn to re-evaluate your actions so that you can meet your goal, or you adjust your goal to meet your abilities and needs.  I fear we have become people addicted to mediocrity and every body wins philosophy in the name of encouragement and building self esteem.  But...but telling kids everyone is a winner and rewarding all abilities the same, aren't we, in fact, harming self esteem by creating unrealistic self images? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to degrade or insult kids or start emphasizing the losers in a situation.  But kids need to learn early on that failure is an option. They can be unsuccessful.  That is reality.  There will more than likely be someone better than them at something at some point in their life-which is good!  If they fail, and its handled correctly, its not a shameful, embarrassing, paralyzing experience.  Its empowering.   By not winning all their games, the kids learn the importance of practice.  By not passing a class, they learn the importance of homework or paying attention or not being on their friggen cell phones all day long instead of focusing on learning.  By not making the team, the learn that they are better at a different sport or-gasp-they are a musician instead of an athlete (and vice versa). 

We need to adjust our thinking about failure to see it as what it is: a part of life.  No one is perfect.  No one excels at everything.  By failing we learn.  We adjust.  Or at least we should...since no one is failing anymore, is anyone really succeeding?

The key word in the phrase is OPTION.  It's not inevitable.  You don't have to fail, but it is possible.  It is an option you can CHOOSE.  Failure isn't some obscure, random event that happens.  Its a consequence of actions.  Why did I fail to meet my goals?  Because I didn't do the work to achieve those goals.  Of course circumstances beyond our control can impede our progress.  I had an unplanned pregnancy and got laid off from jobs.  These events were unexpected and threw a wrench into my plans.  My friend's husband had a stroke and ended up losing his company and was unable to work causing financial ruin. That impeded her progress.  But, do these events release us from all responsibility?  No.

Being unemployed for the periods of time I was should have (and could have) been times of incredible growth and progress for me.  Being pregnant could have (and should have) been strong motivation to eat better, exercise and save money.  But they weren't.  I used them as excuses to fail.  And, people around me let me.  We are so afraid of being honest with people regarding life progress and meeting goals that we have become the failure killers.  And, by killing failure, we enable cycles of non growth and non progress.  Its time to realize and accept that failure is an option and face it in healthy, motivating, honest ways. 

This realization today helped us to address our goals in a different way. We are focusing on three words for this year:  Planning, Discipline and Choice.  These three actions are the key to success...more on this later...

Grilled cheese AND Chicken nuggets...the battle of wills.

Few parents will tell you the gory details of parenthood.  Most like to gloss over the struggles so as not to scare those without children or to avoid judgement by super parents out there with always clean, always submissive, always angelic little lovelies.  My four year old son and I have had some epic battles over the last four years. Tonight it was the great Grilled Cheese/Chicken Nugget battle of 2014.  Caleb asked for dinner, I said, okay what do you want?  This is our usual dinner time set up-I know, I know, I should plan meals, we should sit at a table and eat together at the same time every night, I had that growing up and it was wonderful.  I'm a single mom.  Its me and him.  When I make a nice dinner generally he will only pick at it and eat half and I eat my portion and we have tons of leftovers that never really get eaten...so I have given up the "lets sit together and have dinner and eat the same thing battle" for now.  We do sit down together, but we don't always eat the same thing. 

Okay, back to the point-the battle.  So, Caleb said, "I want grilled cheese AND chicken nuggets for dinner!"  He was in a good mood but did miss a nap today so I should have been on the offensive and been prepared.  I should have just offered him one thing rather than leaving it open for him to choose...alas hindsight is 20/20 and being proactive as a parent is always good.  I dropped the ball on this one.  I responded, choose one.  You can't have both.  Holy hell you would think I was asking him to make Sophie's Choice.  He began yelling, screaming, begging, pleading "I WANT BOTH!"  I put him in his room and shut the door telling him when he's ready to choose and calm down, to let me know.  That was going on 30 minutes ago.  I check on him every ten or so minutes.  The cry is still the same, "I WANT BOTH!"

This is where the real nuts and bolts, hardcore parenting comes in.  The stuff that they don't tell you about.  Does it really matter what he has for dinner?  Could I make him grilled cheese and chicken nuggets without destroying the world?  Of course.  However, the battle is not about what to eat.  The battles are never about what they seem.  The fact of the matter is, I said "no, choose one."  So, I have to stick to that.  If I want any level of respect from my son, I have to stick to what I say.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  Does it drive me insane that I am listening to him scream and cry and yell for now going on 45 minutes about something that I can easily fix?  Sure does.  But, as a parent, you always have to keep the bigger picture in mind.  Caleb need to know that what I say means something.  He needs to know that he can't always get what he wants.  He needs to know how to submit.  Which is completely against his nature because it is also against mine.  I know this about him and I know the struggles he will have in life if he doesn't learn how to accept things and make tough choices.

This is certainly not the first, nor will it be the last battle.  To parent, you need to be okay with hearing a kid scream and making him unhappy.  You have to let them struggle.  You have to let them be angry at you.  You can not take battles personally or be afraid to stand your ground.  Its exhausting....but worth it.  

Flirting with Minimalism...time to commit?

Back during my time in Chicago with Mission Year, I was first introduced to the concept of minimalism by reading the simply profound book by Richard Foster The Freedom of Simplicity.  At that time in my life it was incredibly easy to follow the guidelines for simple living because I had no real control over my own life or choices.  I was committed to the Mission year lifestyle-they controlled my finances-I got $45 a month 'spending money' which was all I had for shampoo, conditioner, make up, coffee, etc.  And, we got $120 a week for groceries for six people.  The beautiful thing is, we did it.  For a year (okay 11 months if you want to get technical) I happily lived that way.  My team of six people learned how to budget, plan meals, and spend our grocery money wisely-even with a vegetarian in the house-and were even able to splurge for a Lou Malnati's pizza every now and again.  Why did it work?  Because the control was taken from us.  We had no access to finances.  Our job was to learn how to show Christ's love to people in the neighborhood by building relationships, being good neighbors, listening, and learning from the people around us.  That time in my life was 14 years ago....holy crap am I getting old or what???  Since then, I have made and wasted more money than I can possibly imagine.  Honestly, if I sat down and actually analyzed my finances over the last 14 years, Richard Foster would actively and loudly shame me and Mission Year would not claim me as an alumni. 

Recently, the discipline of simplicity and minimalism and the battle against consumerism has come to the forefront of my mind and soul again.  Last August I moved into a new home and in the process started phase one of operation simplify and downsize.  In the process of packing I gave away truckloads of stuff that I knew I didn't use, need, or want anymore.  Then I moved and unpacked and phase two began, where I gave away even more stuff.  Now, I've been in my new place for almost a year-it will be a year in August 2014-and I still have five or so boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked.  In a frantic search for my car title, I sifted through most of those boxes over the last couple of days and ya know what?  I don't need any of it.  The question is, do I want it?  And if I do what it, for what?  Which brings me to phase 3 in my quest for simplicity...changing my mindset and desires and definitions to fit the concept of minimalism. 

Meaning, I have to redefine and retrain myself about what it means to want vs need.  I need to redefine what is useful and what is not.  And, I need to act on and live those definitions in every day life.  This is where the commitment comes into play.  Sure, I can flirt with the concept of minimalist simplicity.  I can read the blogs, share the snappy quotes, give stuff away every season but if I just buy new stuff that I don't really need or want to replace the stuff I gave away, what does it matter?  Or if I am not changing the way I take care of the possessions I do have to ensure they last a long time, it doesn't matter.  Its all talk.  I don't want it to be all talk.  I need to redefine contentment and happiness for myself and my son and build the foundation of our lives on the values I believe in so that we are living an authentic life. 

This all begs the question, "how the hell do I do that?"  Which is what I am pondering this beautiful Saturday morning in May while on my porch listening to birds sing and enjoying a light breeze.  The more and more I think about it, the more I think it all comes down to intentionality and planning. Planning meaning, taking the time each week to sit down and plan meals-exactly and stick to that plan and use that plan to buy groceries for the week-just what we need, just what we will use.  Sit down and plan what we will wear each day and make sure those clothes are clean and in the process, go through my closet and get rid of every single piece of clothing that I have not worn and...this is the kicker...and not replace those pieces with anything unless its an intentional, planned, valuable expense that lines up with the rest of the plan.  (Of course, what the rest of the plan is, I don't know yet.)

My friend Angela and I once declared ourselves superheros.  My superhero name was RandomGirl because I have no plan.  I have no routine.  I crave structure and routine and plans yet when I have them, I reject them because they feel restrictive and limiting and what if I want something else for dinner?  What if I don't feel like wearing that outfit on Tuesday?  The answer: who cares?  Why does it matter what I wear which day of the week?  Why does it matter if its a planned outfit?  Its clothing for crying out loud not heart surgery.  Why do I feel stifled by the idea of planning choices ahead of time?  I feel like its taking away my freedom to choose.  In reality, its not.  I'm still choosing, I just made the choice earlier than usual and, in making that choice earlier, I am giving myself more freedom because I am eliminating a level of chaos from my life.

This summer I am going to slowly step up my commitment to simplicity and minimalism...the hamster wheel in my brain is spinning with ideas and plans to start, tools to put in place to help me on the journey.  I'm marinating on those thoughts and ideas and working out a plan...as the plan grows to fruition, I will share it and share my progress on the commitment and plan...its overwhelming but in a good, manageable way.

Introverted Single Mother

I always thought  was an extrovert.  The first inklings I had to my true introverted nature came during my Grad School/Teaching residency experience in 2005-2006.  During that time, I was with people 12 or more hours a day.  I worked in a classroom with students for a full school day then attended classes with my cohort in the evenings.  During this incredibly insane time I became a bit of a hermit.  At the time, I just figured it was stress and the work load of being a full time Masters degree student and a full time teacher.  Then came my first year of teaching.  Again, I was solely responsible for the learning of 35-42 high energy eighth grade students on the 2nd floor of the school where there was only one other teacher housed.  Well, that's not completely true.  On the far other end of the second floor were the art and drama teachers but on our end, it was me and the 7th grade teacher and about 75 urban middle school kids.  That year I lived about two miles from the school I worked at and I remember never turning the radio on in my car for the brief ride home-usually after working for at least 10 hours.  And I remember coming home and just sitting on my couch to decompress for awhile not even wanting my adorable cats to come near me for at least an hour.  I didn't turn the tv on.  I didn't turn music on.  I pushed my cats away.  I needed to be alone.  Completely and utterly alone to refuel for at least an hour or so.  Again, that year was a pretty dry year in terms of my social life.  The following year was similar due to the school I was working at.  Then I moved back to Minneapolis from Chicago and became somewhat more social.  I have never been a social butterfly.   I prefer small groups of friends with intimate connections to large parties, etc.  I hate striking up conversations with people and small talk terrifies me.  Still, during these times I thought of myself as an extrovert.  Why?  I have no idea.  Probably because I enjoy being around people...but I don't particularly enjoy actually interacting with people.  Its a fine line to walk.  I love working at a coffee shop. I love the bustle of people and the music playing but I don't want to actually interact with the bustle or the people.  I'm there for the ambiance and the illusion of social networking.  The truth of my introvertedness hit me like a ton of bricks when I became a single mother working full time. 

A definition I found for introvert is:  "Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge.""

As a truly single parent (meaning I am solely responsible for the care of my child 24/7/365 because his father chooses not to be an active parent and lives 450 miles away.  Yes he pays child support but the actual care giving is all me, all the time), I have been in a state of constant exhaustion.  Not simply from the demands of parenthood and working and the balancing act that is life but because I don't have the much needed alone time to recharge my introverted nature.  I chose a profession where I am with people and giving myself to students during the entire workday.  I don't even have an office to myself-its shared with the entire English department.  I don't even have a classroom to myself-I move to different rooms each hour.  During the school day from 7:10am until 2:50pm I am surrounded by people.  Non stop.  Then, I have a quick (again silent) 10 minute drive to pick up my precious boy who I am then with until bedtime.  And, he is a kid who doesn't need a lot of sleep, so his bedtime is usually pretty much the same as mine.  This begs the question, when does this introvert recharge?   I think that is what I need to figure out...I need to schedule a little bit of decompression time into my daily and weekly routine.  I need to be creative to figure it out and force myself to take the time for my own sanity and to be the best mother I can be.  This realization came to me over the last few weeks as I was trying to figure out why I always feel so completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Its because I am not taking care of my introverted single mother self and am allowing myself to become drained to the point of no return...to the point where I am no good to anyone and my energy is completely gone.

So, time to get creative and figure out how to incorporate that recharging time...

treasures, hearts and legacy

Throughout my life I have struggled with financial responsibility.  I suck at paying my bills on time (if at all), my credit is crap, I owe family members lots and lots of moolah.  I've been reading a lot of financial planning/responsibility books/articles by all the big names: Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, stuff from Richard Foster, pocket your dollars, the minimalist movement, etc.  I know in my head what I need to do to become financially wise, stable and responsible.  Its not at all a knowledge issue.  I know without a doubt that having McDonalds for breakfast and dinner is not financially responsible, wise or being a good steward of the immeasurable gifts God has given me.  Yet, I make that choice.  So the issue becomes an issue of will.  Sure there are lots of 'reasons' I suck with money.  Lots of excuses I could make.  I could spend even more time and money going to counseling to get to the deep roots of what need I am trying to feed with my bad spending...but...none of that really matters.  What matters is the choices I make.  And, thanks to the TV show Lucky Dog, what motivates me.  See, on Lucky Dog this week on CBS the dog training guru Brandon McMillan was attempting to train a high energy rescue dog named Charlie so she can be adopted into a family with a dog who needs a friend.  As he was working with Charlie (who is part lab part some other crazy high energy, playful dog), he started off offering her treats to listen to his commands.  She didn't give a flying fig about the delectable snacks he offered.  Charlie was not motivated by food.  So, rather than keep up the crazy food motivation, the wise Brandon took out a tennis ball in an attempt to lure sweet Charlie into obedience.  And ya know what?  It worked!  That spazzy, immature, stray dog became calm, motivated, ready to please and so whatever it took to get the green fuzzy sphere of fun that Brandon controlled.  This got me thinking...how does that apply to human behavior?  Specifically me and my issues with money.

The books I have read and articles I have come across mostly use money and wealth to motivated people to use money and wealth wisely.  Like: invest your money now so you can retire early and travel the world, or get a nice car, or get a fancy schamancy house or fill in the blank with the materialistic desire of your heart.  For me, this is the problem.  I am not motivated by that stuff.  I don't really want to be rich for the sake of being able to buy bigger, better stuff.  I don't even really want to be rich at all.  My financial desire for my live is to be stable-pay all my bills, have a nice size savings account so that when my car needs breaks or the washer breaks down I can pay cash and get er done, have money for Caleb's college, and, perhaps, be able to take some vacations every now and again AND be able to give.  To give ridiculously generously to whomever I choose for whatever reason I choose without abandon.

I'm reading an historical fiction novel by Bodie Thoene called When Jesus Wept.  Its a beautifully written, creatively told, take on the relationship Jesus had with Lazarus, Mary and Martha.  (Note:  it is FICTION, so please please please don't get into some crazy fundamentalist debate with me about the accuracy of the story.)  In the story, after Mary experiences the transforming love of Christ in person, she opens her home and wealth up to the least of these among her.  When her brother and sister (who had not had their own intimate interactions with Jesus yet) found out about this reckless abandon and dramatic change in her life, Lazarus said, "It seemed to me, Mary's generosity to the needy had become careless and profligate."  For those of you who, like me didn't know, profligate means:  recklessly extravagant or wasteful in the use of resources. 

This part brought to my mind the verses about storing up treasures in heaven rather than on earth where rust and moth destroy and where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Many people see the verse about storing up treasures in heaven to mean as you do good work on earth, your material treasure in heaven is bigger and better.  You get more jewels in your crown, etc.  But I wonder, does that materialistic view of treasures in heaven really line up with Jesus?  I mean, if different people have different jewels and materials in heaven, how is that paradise?  I wonder if it means more of intangible treasures.  I wonder if Jesus is talking about lives impacted.  Society helped.  People encouraged.  I wonder if the treasures are really more legacies.  Legacies of recklessly extravagant generosity.  Not building up a mountain of money, investments, houses, boats, vacation homes, etc that will all be left to rust or get fought over by people seeking more consumer pleasure from your hard work.  What if, its about providing meals to people who need them?  Or clothes?  Or cars?  Or homes?  Or being recklessly extravagant in your funding of missionaries and community developers or educators around the world (or in your neighborhood) you are doing the hard work of kingdom building that not all of us are called to or able to do?  Doesn't that line up more with the God of love and provision that we know?  God provides for the children He created and loves THROUGH the children he created and loves.  The incredible wealth of Christians in America is staggering...if we started to give like Mary...if we sought to invest in a legacy...if we became truly, honestly, intentionally, deeply, recklessly extravagant and free in our generosity what could be accomplished?

That is my motivation for financial security.  I want to be able to freely, generously, recklessly give as the generous lover of my soul guides me to. And to do this all without keeping a record, or looking for a tax deduction, or expecting anything in return.  Just giving with God as my guide and faith in the legacy and long term.  People take advantage of these situations, I know, but so what?  I want to be in a place where financially, it won't hurt if that happens.  Sure, it will hurt my heart, but if I am giving by God's leading, then the giving is His not mine.  All I have is His.  He will guide and take care of the rest. 

I'm also not talking about the KTIS "Drive Through Difference" thing-buying souls for Jesus.  I'm talking about really providing for someone's deepest needs-not a cup of five dollar coffee on their way to work.  (Yes, I know, I am cynical and evil but I HATE the Drive Through Difference being made into a sharing the gospel kind of thing...its about being kind and generous but I find it very hard to believe the someones ENTIRE LIFE was changed and they found Jesus and salvation because someone bough their over indulgent coffee.  If someone is IN the drive through already ordering a $5 latte, they HAVE the money to buy it.  Its not a blessing in the sense of meeting someone's true need.  Yes, it brings a smile to their face.  Yes, it sends some light into the world.  Yes, hopefully it makes them a little kinder.  But is it life changing?  No. End of rant.)

I'm talking about making financial choices in a whole different way on every level of life in a way that intentionally impacts the Kingdom of God.  Thinking about needs vs wants in a deeper way.  Considering where you shop and why.  Looking into the practices of companies you support-what is their salary scale?  What benefits are offered?  How do they treat their wealth?  Asking tough questions of yourself.  Living a less consumer driven life...What that looks like in reality...I dunno yet.  Is it even possible?  I have no idea...its an inspiring vision though...I'll keep you posted.  

Graceful kindness versus being a dormat...is balance possible?

My son's father, who lives in Chicago, had not seen Caleb since July.  Before that, it was January of 2013.  I have mounds and mounds of single mother guilt because my boy doesn't see his father on a regular basis.  Because we were not married when Caleb was conceived we have not had to set up an official custody or visitation agreement.  We did go to court and do child support, which has been paid consistently and fully.  Because of the distance between us-400ish miles-I have worked very hard to be graceful and kind regarding visits from dad.  When Caleb was a baby/toddler I allowed the dad to stay at my house when he wanted to visit Caleb.  While he stayed with us, I split the cost of meals out and opened all aspects of my home to him.  (Sidenote:  there is absolutely no romantic or sexual attraction or feelings or anything remotely like that happening between us-to be perfectly honest, the reverse is true.  When I am with him, I breathe a sigh of relief that the relationship is in the past.)  Dad has been bugging me to allow Caleb to go to Chicago to meet that side of his family by himself....as in...without me.   I said that was not going to happen-Caleb is is too young to take that trip on his own and be in a completely unfamiliar situation with essential strangers without his mommy.   This is a huge reason why I allowed him to stay at my home when he visited...to ease some of the financial burden of the expense of traveling.  That's the graceful kindness coming out again.  My financial situation has been precarious since Caleb was born with several job changes, layoffs, etc but has finally stabilized over the last six months.  Dad doesn't pay for anything other than child support.  I asked him to split the cost of Caleb's soccer this fall and he said he couldn't afford it because he had to get new windows for his house.  The total cost was less than $40.  The man refused to come up with $20 so his son could play soccer.  But I digress...

Back in October I started asking dad what his plans were for the holidays.  He never initiates conversations about visits.  He mentioned paying for Caleb's flight and a hotel if we came out there for part of the upcoming holiday break.  I did some research and told him about great deals I had found-flights for $89 round trip, nice hotel near him for less than $500/week.  He dilly dallied around and didn't get back to me about what he wanted to do until the week before our break.  At that time, my aunt had died unexpectedly so our holiday plans got moved back so that I could attend the funeral in Milwaukee.  I texted dad and told him that the trip wasn't going to work out because of the funeral, etc.  Long story short, after several discussions, it was decided that I would drive Caleb and I to Chicago IF dad agreed to pay for the gas and the hotel room and meals.  I gave him an honest estimate about the cost of gas-around $200.  He agreed to that and to provide dinner for me and Caleb each night.  So, I packed us up and headed out.  Giving up five days of my break.  Five days of my time.  Out of gracious kindness.  Honestly, when we planned it, I was happy to do it.  I want my son to know his father.  I want him to spend time with him and his family.  Of course, things did not go as planned in many, many ways.  At one point, there was a blow out where he called me selfish and said that he would get official visitation set up so that I couldn't be so selfish with our son.

I didn't react too much.  I wanted to explode.  I wanted to tell him everything he didn't want to know about himself.  I didn't though.  I held back and simply said that he can feel free to file the paperwork to get an official visitation agreement set up.  This was the start of the tipping point for me.  When we got ready to leave, the final tipping point happened...he handed me an envelope of money.  I had given him the receipts for the cost of the gas on the trip there which totaled $105.  So, I expected that the envelope would contain at least $200.  He hands me the money and says, "its about $170 because I had to break a $20 a buy Caleb dinner last night."  Again, I didn't react as I could have...but I was furious.  Livid.  To top it off, I brought some of Caleb's most recent school pictures to see if he wanted to buy some to share with his friends and family.  I gave him the big, fancy collage picture as a gift.  As I packing things up to head home, I noticed that he took the envelope of pictures and put them in his stuff.  I took it back.  Missing was one 8 x 10 photo.  I asked him where it was.  His response, "I took it."  I asked him if he was going to ay for the photos?  Again, he said no.  Again, I feel completely taken advantage of and angry.  I informed him that the cost of the pictures (with the copyright release so I can print additional images on my own) was $110.  I informed him that if he wanted any additional copies of the pictures to share with friends and family, he would have to pay for half.  He was angry.  My graceful kindness has run out.  And I feel guilty.  Because I want my son to know his father and I have mounds of single mother guilt.

The events of this weekend have made me wonder if its possible to have a balance between graceful kindness and being taken advantage of in this situation and in others.  We encounter things like this all time and Christians (which I am) are expected and 'called' to be graceful, turn the other cheek, etc, etc, etc.  But I wonder, to what end?  I have known several good Christian people (mostly women) who give above and beyond to be graceful in all circumstances, sacrificing incredible amounts of themselves and their resources to care for and help others...and they have ended up with nothing (or less than nothing) in several situations.  Yes, they have given their all to help others but what have they lost in the lack of equal exchange?  I learned this weekend, that I can not give any more to the father of my son without some sort of return on the investment.  I'm not asking for financial compensation...its about appreciation.  Understanding.  Some level of gratitude.  In this situation, I am the giver and he is the taker and I have no more to give.  The tricky part is that I feel like I should give more.  I feel like its my responsibility to do all I can to facilitate that relationship (between my son and his father).  Where does that guilt come from?  Is the the Judeo-Christian "grace" guilt?  Is it the "you got knocked up by a man who lives 400 miles away without being married to him" guilt?  Is it my fault that Caleb's dad is not in his life?  I know in my head that its not...I even know in my heart that's not true.  But I still battle those feelings and struggle to achieve some sort of balance and boundaries in this relationship.  I don't want things to get nasty or angry or to have any fights like we had this weekend again...but I don't know how to move forward.  How do I stand my ground without things becoming combative?  How do I move forward with this without it appearing that I am keeping Caleb from his dad?  Because that is not at all my desire.  I want him to know his dad.  I want him to spend time with his dad.  I want it to be safe, and non stressful for Caleb.  I want to know that my boy is not freaking out.  After this trip, I know that Caleb would be okay without me right there.  But I also know that I am not investing any time or money into out of state visits without some sort of official agreement set up.   Boundaries need to be set...and kept.

So I come home from the weekend happy that Caleb got to spend time with his dad and grateful that he got to meet people from that side of his family and ecstatic that the daddy/Cale time went well and my boy was happy...but I also came home overwhelmed with what happens now.  I gotta figure out how to be graceful without being a doormat...being strong without being manipulative....being firm without being mean.  I also have to learn that the perception the dad has really doesn't matter.  What matters is Caleb.  If the dad wants to believe I am selfish and manipulative and evil, that is his choice and I have to accept that.  I am learning that I do not have to be 'friends' with Caleb's dad.  I don't have to include him in our family.  He is a grown up who is responsible for facilitating his relationship with Caleb on his own.

Additional side note...when dad took Caleb for the day, I sent him with some toys and Caleb's bunny-who he loves and sleeps with almost every night.  I explained to dad the importance of this bunny and asked him to make sure it returned.  It didn't.  Bunny is missing....and it breaks my heart.  Because it says so much to me about his dad.  He cares about what is important to him, not to anyone else.  Its evident not only in the loss of bunny but in the lack of naps the days dad took Caleb as well as the lack of planning of the visit.  Dad had no plans arranged with any of his family or friends before we arrived.  He came late to breakfast.  He didn't bring Caleb back to take his naps liked I asked him to.  The bottom line is, the dad is incredibly selfish and I am not-which is why the grace has finally run out....

Daddy questions begin...

My three and a half year old son and I were winding down after a lovely Christmas day when he said to me, "Mommy, my friends at school say I don't have a daddy."  He was very matter of fact with the statement while I was a bit taken aback.  I kept my emotions in check and asked, 'Which friends say that?"  "All of them."  The daddy issue has begun.  I knew it was coming and I knew explanations would have to be made but I did not expect it yet.  I hoped I had at least until kindergarten...I told Caleb, "You do have a daddy.  You know who he is.  He just lives far away.  Remember he visited in the summer and took you to the park and stuff?"  I went on to explain that he should tell his friends he has a daddy but he lives far away-he said he did tell them that but the 'friends' kept saying he didn't have a daddy.  So, I told him to tell his teachers when that happens or tell me and we will take care of it.  (Side note, I did not expect bullying based on family make up would start at 3.5 years old...ugh.)

His innocent face was pondering something then he says with his big brown eyes peering into my soul, "Mommy, our house as wheels, right?"  When we moved into our mobile home back in August I explained to him that our house is special because it has wheels under it..how he remembers such details, I will never know...and I certainly never expected it to come up in this type of conversation.  "Yes, it does," I replied wondering where the conversation was heading and then my heart broke.  "Then why can't we move out house to be closer to daddy's house?  It has wheels, so we can move it right?"  Did I mention that my child is THREE AND A HALF YEARS OLD?!?!   I took the time to explain that yes, in theory we could move our house to be closer to daddy (in Chicago, 450 miles away) but there would be some problems.  We wouldn't be close to Grandma and Grandpa (who Caleb ADORES and sees at least twice a week), or his brothers (really cousins who again he sees at least once a week), and mommy doesn't have a job where daddy lives.  The big brown eyes looked at me while he put his hand under his chin and he said, "Hmmm let me think about this."  Eventually he decided he wanted to stay close to Grandma and Grandpa and Aunties and Uncles and cousins and friends and daddy could visit and he could visit daddy...whew... crisis averted,  at least for now.

The topic came up, I am sure, because Caleb's dad called to wish him a Merry Christmas.  His dad calls maybe once a month and hasn't visited since July.  Before that it was December of 2012.  So, in the last year of Caleb's short life, his father has managed to see him for two visits.  Baby daddy has been pestering me to get Caleb to Chicago for a visit-which I have been trying to plan and organize but he never gets back to me regarding the details.  Being that baby daddy lives in Chicago ( I lived here in the Twin Cities when Caleb was conceived so there was never a chance we would move there, he knew from the moment I told him I was pregnant that the child's life and main place of dwelling would be here-in Minnesota-with me) one would think that he (baby daddy) would plan ahead and save some money so that the visits could be made.  But alas, he does not.  Which then puts me between a rock and hard place in terms of my role in facilitating the visitation process.  We do not have any sort of visitation or custody agreement because we were not married and, in the past, I have been incredibly generous with allowing baby daddy to stay at my house to spend time with Caleb.  Well, now that Caleb is getting older things need to shift but its complex because of the distance and the lack of relationship that Caleb really has with his dad.  Meaning, my three and a half year old boy does not know his father well enough to be able to go to Chicago with him alone for any period of time.  So, for the first couple of visits to Chicago, I need to go along.  Which then brings up the money issues...who pays for what?  In my opinion, the cost of the entire visit is the baby daddy's responsibility.  He, of course, doesn't see it that way and is incredibly cheap (even though he makes almost twice what I make in a year and has zero hands on parenting time).

So here I am, on Christmas night, not able to sleep because my son gets teased at school because of his absentee father...the conversation with my son tugs on my heart strings to the point where I feel like I should spend money to make the visits happen-for Caleb.  But the realist part of me fights that feeling because it is not my responsibility to build that relationship or to provide transportation or funding for visitation.  The lines become blurry at this point because I desperately want my son to have a strong, consistent, loving father figure in his life.  I know how important that is for a young man in this day and age-especially a boy of mixed race.  I know all that statistics of boys raised by single mothers.  I know the importance of the father-son bond.  I also know its the one aspect of Caleb's life that I truly have no control over...which is a paralyzing feeling caused by the heaps of guilt and in-adequateness I heap upon myself. 

My Caleb is a gift given to me by God.  To me.  In the situation I am in.  With the biological father he has.  For whatever reason, God chose to weave together this amazing little man in my womb and have him be born to me-here in Minnesota.  So, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that our Caleb will have all he needs to become the man he is designed to be....with just a single mom as his main source of support, love, guidance and parenting....a single mother who prays constantly, loves abundantly and strives to provide all that he needs with support and love of multitudes of friends and family.  I have a feeling the journey of single parenthood is going to get a lot harder before it becomes easier and there will be many more tough conversations I have to have with my dear, sweet, boy about his dad.  And it will be okay.