Last week the world lost an incredibly kind man, Hervey McConkey.  I only encountered this joyful, kind, gentle, soul who was intensely devoted to Jesus, a handful of times during my adult life-he is the father of the husband of one my closest, oldest, dearest friends.  His loss was not unexpected.  Hervey was 83 years old and had been ill for a while however, this does not lessen the impact of the loss at all.  Hervey's death had more of an impact on me than I realized.  His loss has put the idea of legacy deep in my thoughts.  I have known Hervey's son Paige for fifteen years via my friendship with his wife Janet.  Throughout that time I have been intimately exposed to the character of Paige-his patience, his kindness, his true sense of deep caring for hurting people and especially youth, his intense devotion and love for his family and his overwhelming kindness inherited from his father, Hervey.  Hervey was a man who when he spoke to you, you felt like the most important person to him at that moment in time.  I imagine, this is similar to the impact Jesus had on people.  Hervey saw people-as they were yet in the best possible light-he saw and brought out the good and kindness in people.  Paige does the same thing-he inherited this quality from Hervey.  This is where legacy comes into play.  Did Hervey sit down and teach Paige to be kind, gentle, patient and joyful?  Did Hervey sit down and teach his son to truly see and care for people in intentional, relational ways?  I'm guessing no.  By simply being himself and seeking firs the Kingdom of God, Hervey passed on his legacy of kindness.  Throughout his life, Paige observed and experienced his father's kindness, devotion, loyalty, love and joy on a daily, minute to minute basis.  Paige, his siblings, his children, his wife, and his friends all saw how Hervey treated people and how Hervey lived his life.  Hervey did not preach powerful sermons.  He did not seek recognition.  He did not demand attention or focus.  But he oozed loving kindness through every ounce of his being.  Which is how is legacy becomes evident-through those people he interacted with the most and how those people, in turn, ooze loving kindness.  I see it in Paige.  I see it in Paige's son Jakob.  Hervey's legacy-which in turn is the legacy of Christ-is continuing to impact generations and will continue to impact future generations through Paige, Jakob and many, many others who knew and experiences Hervey's loving kindness.  Today is my 36th birthday.  With the passing of Hervey I began to think about my own legacy...and the legacy of my parents and grandparents.  By nature alone, I do not ooze the gentle loving kindness of Hervey-I'm a different person with a different legacy, which is good.  But I can still learn from his legacy and his life to strive to be kinder in my interactions with people.  I can also consider who I am, how I am wired and what my personality strengths are and mold those characteristics into my own legacy for my son.  In experiencing the passing of Hervey with his son Paige and his family, I have begun thinking about what my son sees in me on a daily, minute to minute basis.  What is the true, experiential, impacting legacy I am forming for my son every second of every day?  They say character is who you are when no body is looking...I think its more than that.  Character is the foundation for legacy which is who you are in the core of your being, the still quiet, routine moments of life and interaction.  Anyone can be anything for a minute...but that is not legacy or character.  Character comes from the consistency of your being-who you are in your core, laying the foundation for your legacy. 

Sharing Binkies

My son Caleb is going to be two in a week and a half and he loves his binky.  Pacifier, binky, nuk, whatever you want to call it, he loves his.  For a long time we had a great thing going for a long time where he would leave his binky in his crib when he got up in the morning but that went out the window when he started teething and he used his binky to sooth those nasty teeth by chewing on it.  Then I went back to work and changed daycare provers, so binky became more a staple.  His Auntie Aj started a game with Caleb called "chuck the binky" where she will unceremoniously yank the binky from between Caleb's unsuspecting little lips and proceed to 'chuck the binky' as far away from my little man as she can.  All the while Caleb is yelling "NO CHUCK BINKY!  NO CHUCK BINKY!" And as soon it lands, he runs over to retrieve it.  Yes, its a bizarre toddler form of fetch...but regardless Caleb will aways go to find his binky.  When you ask Caleb to share his binky with you, he will always say no.  Unless you are Max the dog.  My close friends the McConkey family have a lovely little dog named Max.  Max is a bashon poodle mix who is adored by his family.  The last time we visited the McConkey's home, Caleb did the unimaginable.  He shared his funky with Max!  This is a sign of complete love and devotion from my son.  Caleb has also attempted to share his precious binky with Jem, our 18 pound tabby cat.  Jem, unlike Max, refused the offer, but it speaks volumes about how Caleb feels about Jem.  To be perfectly honest, I am was a bit jealous of Max and Jem and the binky sharing.  I have asked Caleb to share his binky with me, but he has always refused.  I brought him into this world and care for him every day of his little life, yet he refuses to share the precious binky with me...sure a cat and a dog get the precious binky but mommy?  Nope.  Until today.  On Sunday mornings Caleb and I take it pretty easy.  He wakes up and toddles into my room to wake me up for breakfast.  This morning's breakfast wake up call was at 6:30am...so, as a dutiful mommy, I got up and gave him some breakfast then changed his diaper.  After that, we went back into my room for our Sunday morning cuddle time.  During this time Caleb laid next to me reading his book and playing, sucking on the all powerful binky.  After a while, he left.  I assumed to go get a different book.  My punkin toddled back into my room, climbed into bed with me and reached over to put a binky in my mouth.  My adorable son left our cuddlefest to go into his room and fine me, his mommy, a precious binky!  We spend the next few minutes facing each other, cuddling in bed, sucking on our matching blue soccer ball binkies.  Today is a day I will never forget.  My baby boy showed his love for me by bringing me a binky.  The simple joys and pleasures of motherhood.

leaving family to become a family

Currently it is becoming more and more common for folks to either not get married at all or get married much later than the traditional early 20's of our parents generation. I am one of such people-I'm 35 and never been married. Yes, I have been in one long term relationship, and a couple of shorter term relationships, but none that led to the creation of my own marriage and a new nuclear family. Being that I am 35 and single-yes I have a child but am not married-I still consider my nuclear family to be myself, my parents, my sisters (and their kids and my bro in law) and my brother (and his kids and my sister in law). And here comes the conundrum...how and when do I know its time to let that family shift to becoming extended family and form my own nuclear family? I'm pondering the question now because I have been seeing, off and on, someone whom I care about a great deal and could definitely build a life with, for about four years. The relationship itself has been a roller coaster twisty road but, somehow, life always leads us back to each other. This man is a traveling man and he is not from the Twin Cities. He has a passionate desire to travel the world and...possibly...return to his roots in Baltimore, Maryland. Our relationship progresses at a snail's pace because of geographical differences and strong wills. He is not certain that he will stay in Minneapolis long term-he's been here for a while (again off and on) but longs for Baltimore-not just for family but also for his business and long term goals. The sticking point for us has been my reluctance to give a clear, solid answer to the question..."would you be willing to move to Baltimore, or anywhere else in the world, if it was best for our family-assuming our relationship progresses that far and we choose to build a family together?" This is not a question I have ever been posed before. In all my adult life, I have made the choices of where to live, where to work, what to do with my life on my own, knowing that my 'family' was always in the Twin Cities. Honestly, I am torn. And this uncertainty could prove to be the final demise of what could potentially be the love of my life and the start of a whole new family. Of course, things could end up falling apart for other reasons and, he could decide that the Twin Cities are a place to set down roots. The point is though, even if we get married and stay here in the Twin Cities, the ultimate question is still the same: can I surrender the individual control of my life and my current family structure to build a new family where life decisions are made together, considering all the options and opportunities not just for me, but for my husband and our children as well? The man in my life does not expect me to commit to leaving Minnesota to be with him, he is asking the bigger question-can I surrender that independence to become codependent (in a healthy, mutually supportive, marriage and family sort of way)?

How do you know when its time to let go of yourself in order to blend lives with someone else? How do you let go of the stability and structure of a family system that has been your foundation for 35 years to build a new family? I need to trust myself and the foundation I have-that it is all strong enough to be with me wherever I go? Family is not tied to geography...or is it?

Jem the wondercat takes the short bus 11.12.08

Jem the wonder cat takes the short bus
Current mood: amused
Category: Pets and Animals

I know, can cats really be stupid? Well I think so. Here's why-oh and don't get me wrong, I love my Jem kitty dearly, he provides unconditional love and hours upon hours of entertainment. Over the last couple of weeks here are some things the ever intelligent feline has done that made me laugh out loud and talk excessively about my feline friends.

I have a framed print of Cafe Terrace At Night by Van Gogh hanging on my wall. The print is covered by a thin layer of plastic so it has some slight reflections in it if the lighting is just right. My TV sits under the print on a stand. My cat has started jumping on top of the TV and sitting facing the print staring into it for hours on end. He notices the kitty in the cafe (which there isn't, its his own reflection) and desperately wants to befriend that kitty. He wants to cross over into the world of Van Gogh and the kitty on the terrace under the moonlight, but alas, he cannot cross over into that world. He stares longingly at the cat and the picture, his tail flopping back and forth across my TV screen as he stalks his own reflection.

Then yesterday I decided to get a covered litter box for my lovely felines and Jem...well, got into the litter box but could not figure out how to move the flap to let himself out of the box...so he cried until I saved him...and quickly removed the flapping door so that he could use the bathroom in peace and not get stuck.

Love is...

Definitions of love have been streaming through my mind lately. For just over four years there is a man who jumps in and out of my life. Recently he returned to pursue a serious relationship with me. He tells me he loves me but he wants to be in love with me. He also says he wants to be with me and asks me hypothetical questions like..."if I had to move to Baltimore then to London, would you go with me?" These questions and declarations of love lead me to believe that he and I are in a relationship.

While pondering all these questions and feelings and interactions, I asked him a question. Honestly the question came to me because of facebook. I had updated my relationship status on facebook to say "in a relationship" and thought I should make sure that he and I were on the same page since that status was out there in cyberspace. I asked him how he would define our relationship. His deeply thoughtful answer was...."I dunno." I probed to get an answer. This simple discussion turned into a long, drawn out conversation that he labeled a fight. His initial response what that we are not in a relationship...which led me to ask additional questions and respond with a bit of anger and hurt. In my mind, if you are telling someone you love them and are asking them (hypothetically or not) to move to another country means you are in a relationship.

After days of circular discussions online-I tried to call him to talk things out several times but he didn't answer his phone and didn't call back.  Lesson learned, discussions about weather one is indeed in a relationship with another person or not are best had in person.  In the end, I realized we simply had very different definitions of the word relationship but regardless of semantics, we were actually on the same page in terms of where we were.

Since this conversation on Thursday-its now Sunday-he has refused to converse with me.  This behavior is not the behavior of someone who does actually love another person.  Hence, my ponderings on what love is.  During my ponderings the verses from 1 Corinthians 13 came to me...
   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. (The Message)

And I realized that whatever this man feels for me, it is not love.  It may be interest.  It may be passion.  It may be infatuation.  It may be a challenge.  It may be entertainment.  But it is not love.  When you love someone, you listen and give that person the benefit of the doubt rather than hearing combative arguments when none is intended.  You work to come to a place of understanding and you are willing to compromise in order to meet their needs.  In the entire time that I have known this man, he has never compromised.  Never apologized.  He always has a reason to walk away and be angry and blame me for any disagreements that occur between us.  This is not love.

People throw around the word love in relationships (or non relationships) without actually considering the true meaning of the word.  This man is one of those people.  Of course, I will not even bother to attempt to have this discussion with him because it would only end in a nasty fight where I would be wrong and he would be right and no true understanding would occur.

After all this, my current relationship status on facebook has again changed.  I am now in a domestic partnership with Jem, Scout and Sawyer-my three cats.  And it will stay that way until a man who truly understands what love is comes into my life. 

Christmas...

As Christmas draws closer every year, I tell myself I'm not going to get caught up in the consumerism of the holiday and every year I fail miserably. This year I told myself I would only get my 20 month old son three gifts, which I actually purchased in October. Of course, I was happy with the gifts I got him on clearance, not spending very much money at all. But, as the Christmas drew closer, I wanted to buy him more. Why? My son is the youngest of eight grandchildren and gets TONS of hand me down toys. He certainly doesn't need any more toys and, at his age, he doesn't even want more toys. His bedroom is overflowing with toys and books-most of which he doesn't even play with! Yet, I felt the strong desire to get him more stuff to go under the Christmas tree and in his stocking. I'm so tired of stuff and the constant perceived need of 'more stuff' that we accept as normal. Caleb and I don't need anything. We have a home, food, clothing, books, toys, a car to get us around, beds, blankets, towels, dishes, a tv, dvd player, stereos...and so much more. Yet, I fight against the pull of consumerism every day.

Christmastime is the worst time to try to live a simple life. Everything in American culture pushes us towards spending and buying. This irritates me on so many levels, yet I fall into the same old routine of buying stuff I don't need. I want to raise my son to live a simple life and not get caught up in consumerism-constantly living in a state of discontent looking to fill his life with stuff. How can I teach him that? By doing it myself. As a parent I have realized that I have to live my life the way I hope my son will live his. I can't tell him to be generous and caring btu live a selfish life myself. I can't hope that he will not be materialistic and spoiled if I fill out home with meaningless stuff that overflows toy boxes and closets eventually ending up in the trash.

The issues I have with the insane materialism of Christmas is that is completely goes against everything that Christ stood for in the first place, and truly isn't a Christian holiday at all. Keeping in mind that holiday means Holy-day. Personally, I think we Christians should surrender Christmas to consumerism and make it an American holiday not a Christian holiday, because it wasn't ever a Christian holiday in the first place. Christians integrated the birth of Christ into the pagan holiday of the winter solstice in order to be more culturally relevant and not stand out as much in their society. So, if we Christians actually chose to take Christ out of Christmas I think it would set us free to celebrate Christ's birth in more authentic ways and help us to let go of the pressure of the so called holiday of Christmas. Christmas has become about the all mighty dollar more than anything else. The American economy depends on people to spend insane amounts of money during these last two months of the year in order to keep our country afloat financially. Christmas is an economic holy-day, not a spiritual holy-day.

Spending Rehab

All of my life I have been horrible with money. I have never saved a dime and tend to spend money without thinking or planning or even really needing anything. Part of this is the American consumerist way but more of it is just my lack of control and impulsivity combined with boredom. Now that I have a little one to care for, I need to change my spending habits and start being wise with my income. I do not want my son to grow up with my lack of financial responsibility-I want to model for him frugality, generosity and living simply. Its amazing how having a child will change perspective on things. Its my desire to provide my son with financial stability and a life where money worries do not dominate plus a sense of security in himself and God not in things. I want to pursue simplicity and contentment in our life to bring freedom and peace in a bigger way.

To start this, I have set a goal for myself. For the next 30 days, I am not going to spend more than $25 a week on anything besides gas and bills. Meaning, I am allowing myself $25 a week for the next 30 days for 'extra' things. We have plenty of groceries, Caleb is stocked up on formula and baby food and diapers and clothes and everything else he needs. I have plenty as well. I want to break the habit of feeling the desire to spend money-to go shopping and impulse buy. Whether it is a new bottle of shampoo or a frozen pizza for dinner because I don't want to cook, its not wise spending and its building the wealth of businesses rather than the wealth of my family. I don't overspend on pricey shoes or designer clothes or electronics or anything, its those random, impulse buys that catch me. I have cupboards full of food that I never make because I give into the impulsive, lazy desire to hit the drive thru or order pizza rather than actually take the time to cook.

Its my desire to be intentional about where my money goes and therefore, keep more money for what is important and lasting rather than random, impulsive, disposable crap.

My plan is to reflect on my progress with this journey here on my blog. I appreciate any support, insights and accountability people choose to offer.

Today, January 2nd, 2010 I have $47.00 in cash and $300 in the bank. Next child support payment should arrive by January 10th or so. Next pay day is January 14th. Daycare is paid for the week, and next week Caleb's dad is supposed to pay. Electric bill is caught up to date. Rent is not...but will be in about a week.

Here's to spending rehab!