Last night I was reading stuff on facebook about the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing gay marriage throughout the country. I have a diverse group of friends-gay, straight, conservative, libertarian, liberal, black, white, latino, Christian, non believers, etc, etc, etc. My conservative Christian friends have been posting tons of stuff about the downfall of American society because of the SCOTUS ruling because it is against God blah, blah, blah. I am sure you have all seen and read the propaganda citing various scriptures and talking about the morality as well as the sanctity of marriage. Here's the thing. I am insanely tired of the BS. I grew up in a conservative Christian church where sexuality was defined as only being between a man and a woman who are married. Where divorce is wrong, marriage is sacred. Homosexuality is wrong. All the basics of Christianity 101. This is where I get really irked about the insane double standard within the church regarding homosexuality vs other sexual sins. At every single conservative church in the country you will find: young adults who are not married but are sexually active, adulterers, people who are divorced and (often) remarried to a new spouse, single parents (people who obviously had sex outside of marriage)...and nothing is said about these sexual sins. Just based on the Christians I know-including myself-the vast majority have had sex outside of marriage. We all know the divorce rate among Christians is the same as that for nonChristians. As times have changed, the church has adjusted their reaction to these things. There was a time, not too long ago, where woman who got pregnant out of wedlock were sent away to have their babies in isolation then give them up for adoption to save the family from shame. According to the Bible, women are the property of men so if a woman were to get pregnant outside of marriage, her father (or husband if the pregnancy was due to an affair) can choose to have her stoned to death. We don't do that anymore. Women have choices in life-we are no longer limited to only getting married. We can get educated, we are not property-so as culture and values shifted, the church's reaction to women's sexuality had to change as well. The same happened with divorce. The Bible is clear on the issue of divorce. God hates divorce. There are very limited situations were divorce is considered a Biblical option. Again, as times changed and culture changed, the church's view on divorce changed. The views evolved because we are learning to focus on grace and love not on archaic laws that were never meant to be applied for all eternity. Even if you use the ten commandments as your guide for morality-there is no mention of homosexuality in those. Adultery is mentioned. Honoring the sabbath is mentioned. Honoring parents is mentioned. Sex is not mentioned at all-except as adultery. Jesus never mentioned homosexuality. Not once. Paul does-but he is not Jesus. We do not accept Paul as our savior, Paul is not the son of God. And, when Paul mentions homosexuality it is at a specific time and place (as well as when homosexuality is mentioned in the Old Testament). These commands against sexual immorality and homosexual behavior were in a specific context-people were engaging in various forms of sexuality as worship to other Gods-it was idolatry that was the sin not the act of sexuality. The sexual issues that Bible speaks to are not about the act of sex itself (homosexual or not) but are about idolatry and worshipping other gods. Paul is speaking to people who are converting from other religions to Christianity and therefore, need to abandon their old ways of worship and other gods. He is not talking about sexuality in terms of a relationship. This is where things get all mixed up. Conservatives generally seem to see homosexuals as sex crazed maniacs and focus on the sex act, not on the relationship. I think most Christians would agree that rampant, careless, sexual exploits (homosexual or heterosexual) are not healthy for people and do not bring people closer to God. But,that is not the issue here. The issue here is the right to marry. The right for two people to make a commitment to one another-to form a bond for life. The ruling is not about sanctioning random sexual acts or establishing a state religion focusing on gay sex. Its about love and allowing people to build a life together.
I am a single mother-who got knocked up out of wedlock-I'm not a single mother due to divorce. Lets be clear here, I am a single mother because I had sex outside of marriage. In Biblical times I would have been stoned by my father to avoid bringing shame to my family. A few generations ago, I would have been sent off to have my baby and give him up. Or I would have had an abortion to avoid dealing with the situation all together and not letting anyone know of my sin. Thankfully, I am alive in a time of grace and understanding where the reality of sex outside of marriage has been accepted and we have moved beyond the act of stoning women.
So, why are we still so focused on homosexuality as a "sin"? Why can't we move forward and understand scriptures in the time and place and audience the were written to? As I mentioned before, Paul's writing was advice to new churches that were struggling to figure out what it means to follow Jesus while letting go of prior religious practices.
Life and thoughts of a single mom with a desire to write and share ideas with people who might want to know..figuring out how to be a loving, consistent mom while also pursuing my teaching career and fostering other dreams of writing and whatnot.
My unexpected life
- Kikers
- Blaine, MN, United States
- City girl at heart who returned to the Twin Cities after a four year stint in the Stinky Onion known to the rest of the world as Chicago. Consistent nomad, frequently moving, changing, evolving. Striving to settle down and plant some roots. Recently became a single mother to Caleb Justus and am figuring out the adventure that is motherhood. Getting used to living in the burbs again close to family and friends.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Kindergarden Fears
My boy will turn five in April. Its a milestone birthday because it means that in the fall he will be able to start kindergarden. He's excited to start school. He has been for as long as I can remember. On his third birthday he asked, "Do I get to go to school now?" Almost every day since then he has asked the same question. My Caleb loves the idea of school. He craves knowledge and information. His love for all things educational scares me sometimes. This kid will choose a book over a toy any day of the week. He has no fear of school. No doubt that he will have friends and be liked and that the teacher will care for him and teach him.
Me? I have insane amounts of fear and anxiety regarding my precious boy going to school. I'm a teacher. I've worked in many different schools in many different settings. I taught in inner city Chicago schools. I taught in a Minneapolis charter school. I taught in Minneapolis public schools. I taught in Anoka Hennepin Schools. I know schools. I know how they work. I've seen them be amazing and I have seen them suck the love of learning and passionate innocence from children.
As a high school and middle school Reading Specialist, I work with students who, for various reasons which I will not go into here, struggle with reading and therefore, struggle academically. The vast majority of those students have no love for school or academics or anything remotely connected to the current educational system. Because my students generally have such a distain for education and think they can't do school, I have to take a lot of time in the beginning of my class to bring back those innocent, inquisitive, joyful, trusting feelings towards the classroom. Part of what I do is to talk with students about what their data shows me. Very few of the students I work with have learning disabilities. They didn't start out behind. On the contrary, most of them performed at or above grade level in the early years of school. Then, at some point, for some reason, they fell behind. Sometimes it was family circumstances-a divorce, a move, a death, a birth, etc. Other times it was a negative experience with a teacher. Sometimes its an experience with classmates or some aspect of the educational system. This is what scares me.
My son has a genuine love for learning. He is teaching himself to read-for real. On his own he is sounding out words, trying to spell, etc. 95% of his time at home, he is immersed in a stack of books looking at the letters, trying to figure out how they form words. He has put some words together and read titles and words. He is obsessed with numbers. Last summer, when he had just turned four, the kid was doing mental math-addition and subtraction. In his head. On his own. Yesterday he was playing with puzzles at my parents' house and he came up to me and said, "Mama, does six plus six equal twelve?" "Um...yeah..." I said, a bit taken aback, "where did you see that?" "No where." So I went into the playroom to see what he was doing. I assumed he was doing a number puzzle or looking at a book with numbers and equations in it. Nope, he was just doing a normal puzzle. He had taken the pieces out of the puzzle and sorted them into two groups of six pieces each. On his own, he saw that a group of puzzle pieces could be divided into groups and then added together to make a whole. His little brain is always thinking and making connections. He is a sponge.
On the iPad he frequently watches all kinds of shows about building, animals, etc. The other day he came up to me talking about how a sloth hangs upside down and moves really slowly and there are little creatures that live on the sloth too...he tells me about the digestive system...he tells me about microscopic sea creatures...he asks questions all the time...I'm afraid that he will be one of those kids whose sweet, innocent, inquisitive, joyful interest in the world around him will be squashed by the pressures of the system.
Thankfully, I am a part of the system. I know how it works. I know what red flags to watch for. I know what happens in a classroom. I know the educational lingo. I can advocate for and support my boy through the jungle that is public education. I have the experience, expertise and confidence to ask questions. To watch and listen to my son. To be vigilant about his experiences and education. To keep him from getting lost in the system. But what about the kids who don't have any sort of advocate? What about the kids who do fall through the cracks of the system? Its sad to me, that as a a professional educator, I am scared to send my own child to school. I'm scared about what the system might do to him.
Me? I have insane amounts of fear and anxiety regarding my precious boy going to school. I'm a teacher. I've worked in many different schools in many different settings. I taught in inner city Chicago schools. I taught in a Minneapolis charter school. I taught in Minneapolis public schools. I taught in Anoka Hennepin Schools. I know schools. I know how they work. I've seen them be amazing and I have seen them suck the love of learning and passionate innocence from children.
As a high school and middle school Reading Specialist, I work with students who, for various reasons which I will not go into here, struggle with reading and therefore, struggle academically. The vast majority of those students have no love for school or academics or anything remotely connected to the current educational system. Because my students generally have such a distain for education and think they can't do school, I have to take a lot of time in the beginning of my class to bring back those innocent, inquisitive, joyful, trusting feelings towards the classroom. Part of what I do is to talk with students about what their data shows me. Very few of the students I work with have learning disabilities. They didn't start out behind. On the contrary, most of them performed at or above grade level in the early years of school. Then, at some point, for some reason, they fell behind. Sometimes it was family circumstances-a divorce, a move, a death, a birth, etc. Other times it was a negative experience with a teacher. Sometimes its an experience with classmates or some aspect of the educational system. This is what scares me.
My son has a genuine love for learning. He is teaching himself to read-for real. On his own he is sounding out words, trying to spell, etc. 95% of his time at home, he is immersed in a stack of books looking at the letters, trying to figure out how they form words. He has put some words together and read titles and words. He is obsessed with numbers. Last summer, when he had just turned four, the kid was doing mental math-addition and subtraction. In his head. On his own. Yesterday he was playing with puzzles at my parents' house and he came up to me and said, "Mama, does six plus six equal twelve?" "Um...yeah..." I said, a bit taken aback, "where did you see that?" "No where." So I went into the playroom to see what he was doing. I assumed he was doing a number puzzle or looking at a book with numbers and equations in it. Nope, he was just doing a normal puzzle. He had taken the pieces out of the puzzle and sorted them into two groups of six pieces each. On his own, he saw that a group of puzzle pieces could be divided into groups and then added together to make a whole. His little brain is always thinking and making connections. He is a sponge.
On the iPad he frequently watches all kinds of shows about building, animals, etc. The other day he came up to me talking about how a sloth hangs upside down and moves really slowly and there are little creatures that live on the sloth too...he tells me about the digestive system...he tells me about microscopic sea creatures...he asks questions all the time...I'm afraid that he will be one of those kids whose sweet, innocent, inquisitive, joyful interest in the world around him will be squashed by the pressures of the system.
Thankfully, I am a part of the system. I know how it works. I know what red flags to watch for. I know what happens in a classroom. I know the educational lingo. I can advocate for and support my boy through the jungle that is public education. I have the experience, expertise and confidence to ask questions. To watch and listen to my son. To be vigilant about his experiences and education. To keep him from getting lost in the system. But what about the kids who don't have any sort of advocate? What about the kids who do fall through the cracks of the system? Its sad to me, that as a a professional educator, I am scared to send my own child to school. I'm scared about what the system might do to him.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
dating after 30 really sucks...
I've never been good at dating. I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college. I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing. One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled. One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now. And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more. Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them. Times of just lots of random dating and hookups. Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date. I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee. I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom. And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective. I like my life. I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats. I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy. A quiet weekend at home is fine with me. I don't want drama. I don't want casual hook ups. I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.
In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.' That always bugs me. If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it. So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message. I said something like, "What's the deal? Are you a stalker? Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me." He responded and we started talking. It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him. He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality! We actually had real conversations. There was flirting. It was interactive and fun. If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone. He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore. Then...poof. He disappeared. No response from him. No contact.
Until December. He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want? Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized. He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues. And he was going to court to get custody of his son. And he was moving. He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me. Hmmmm....okay. I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt. Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast. Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not? May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.
We met at Perkins for breakfast. He hugged me when we met. Took my coat. Waited to sit down until I did. Let me order first. Was kind and friendly to the waitress. We flirted. We talked. We laughed. It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time. He got my coat for me. Opened the door for me. Held me hand as he walked me to my car. Was full of compliments and everything. We shared dating horror stories. Talked about our kids. He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again. We had another date planned...for the next week. But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof! He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him. But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out. We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date. Dinner. We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night. Noticed I said were....got cancelled again. Due to baby mama drama. When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead. Hence the cancellation.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up. I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions. "He's playing you." "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now." "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December." Etc. Etc. Etc. I told him I was disappointed. I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies. He apologized. Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me. For now...I'll believe him.
But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay. Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient. When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...
Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me. I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard. I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust. Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him. He has sent me pictures from the airport. Videos of his bike race. Pictures of him training for his races. Why can't I just accept what he says as true? Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself? Is it about my own insecurity? Do my questions really have anything to do with him? Probably not.
As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...
In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.' That always bugs me. If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it. So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message. I said something like, "What's the deal? Are you a stalker? Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me." He responded and we started talking. It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him. He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality! We actually had real conversations. There was flirting. It was interactive and fun. If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone. He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore. Then...poof. He disappeared. No response from him. No contact.
Until December. He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want? Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized. He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues. And he was going to court to get custody of his son. And he was moving. He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me. Hmmmm....okay. I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt. Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast. Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not? May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.
We met at Perkins for breakfast. He hugged me when we met. Took my coat. Waited to sit down until I did. Let me order first. Was kind and friendly to the waitress. We flirted. We talked. We laughed. It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time. He got my coat for me. Opened the door for me. Held me hand as he walked me to my car. Was full of compliments and everything. We shared dating horror stories. Talked about our kids. He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again. We had another date planned...for the next week. But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof! He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him. But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out. We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date. Dinner. We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night. Noticed I said were....got cancelled again. Due to baby mama drama. When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead. Hence the cancellation.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up. I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions. "He's playing you." "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now." "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December." Etc. Etc. Etc. I told him I was disappointed. I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies. He apologized. Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me. For now...I'll believe him.
But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay. Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient. When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...
Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me. I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard. I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust. Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him. He has sent me pictures from the airport. Videos of his bike race. Pictures of him training for his races. Why can't I just accept what he says as true? Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself? Is it about my own insecurity? Do my questions really have anything to do with him? Probably not.
As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...
Getting healthy, lets get real...
For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight (or at least thought I was). I've always seen and defined myself as fat and ugly and non athletic. Why? Well, there are a lot of reasons. First, as a kid I had severe asthma. Like, the boy in the bubble level of allergies and asthma issues. I was allergic to everything: chicken, tomatoes, grapes, peanuts, beets (which was the main source of sugar back in the day), any sort of plant life or grass, any animal with fur, dust, dust mites, mold...the list could probably go on and on. Back in the days of my youth, the glorious 1980s, there were not inhalers or medications for asthma that we have today. I was on medications. Steroids and other crap that no one uses any more because they are so bad for you and have so many negative effects. Of course, back then the goal was to keep me alive and breathing with the options that were available, so my parents and doctors did what they had to do. Well, due to all the allergies and breathing issues, I was scared to death to do any level of exercise. From the time I was little I was very familiar with the feeling of my chest constricting so I could no longer take a breath. I knew the feeling of having an elephant on my chest keeping me from getting any air. I knew the feeling and sound of wheezing in my lungs and chest very, very well. This reality became a core part of my identity. Completely unintentionally. It was a survival thing. We were all scared that I would one day die of an asthma attack that I was kept very protected from allergens and exercise. Of course, everyone now knows that moderate exercise is good for people with asthma and we have the medications to keep airways open and to reopen closed airways. So, as an adult I am trying to change that mindset. To change how I see myself. To rewrite the definition of myself. But its really, really hard.
This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months. 15 months from today to be exact. I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal. Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal. So, that's my goal. For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :). If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds. 128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming. And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life. And I also never broke it down into smaller bits. Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal. But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able. So, that's my goal.
Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life. I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half. I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be. A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together. I want to be an active person. I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son. I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing. I want to have energy and confidence. I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.
I invite you to join me on this journey. Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated. Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me. So I know exactly what I need to do. I've done weight watchers. I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc. I had a personal trainer in the past. I know I need to be active. What I need is the will. The action. I have cookbooks. I know how to make healthy meals. I know what foods are healthy and what are not. I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge. Its about action. And, I am ready to take that action. Of course, I will struggle. I will make mistakes. But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it. I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old. Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together. So, here goes...rebirth at 40. April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.
This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months. 15 months from today to be exact. I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal. Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal. So, that's my goal. For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :). If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds. 128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming. And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life. And I also never broke it down into smaller bits. Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal. But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able. So, that's my goal.
Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life. I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half. I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be. A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together. I want to be an active person. I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son. I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing. I want to have energy and confidence. I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.
I invite you to join me on this journey. Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated. Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me. So I know exactly what I need to do. I've done weight watchers. I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc. I had a personal trainer in the past. I know I need to be active. What I need is the will. The action. I have cookbooks. I know how to make healthy meals. I know what foods are healthy and what are not. I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge. Its about action. And, I am ready to take that action. Of course, I will struggle. I will make mistakes. But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it. I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old. Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together. So, here goes...rebirth at 40. April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Where Are the "Best" Teachers?
No to beat a dead horse, but the buzz about the article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune this week about Minneapolis Public Schools infuriates me. It infuriates me not only because it is a direct insult to myself, my profession and my abilities as a teacher as well as my choices of where to work and my work ethic and so much more, but because it is taking complex information and making it overly simplified. I posted a link on facebook to a very well written response to the article from a teacher at Bethune Elementary in Minneapolis, which is the school mentioned in the article as being the poorest school and having the worst teachers. Of course, the writers of the article base that statement on an extremely complex teacher/school rating system which I am not even going to begin to go into now.
What I want to explain is the simple data and look at what the data really tells us about teachers and schools and who truly is 'the best'. On the Minnesota Department of Education website, in the data and analytics section you can down load excel spread sheets of any assessment data for any school and compare the data yourself. Being the data geek that I am, I know and use this site often. So, I pulled the data for the MCA Reading tests for 2013 and 2014. For those of you who don't know, the MCA is the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessment, a standardized test given to every public school student in Minnesota every spring. Important to note here too is that the MCA went through a major overhaul in 2013 to line up with the Common Core standards which are much more rigorous than the previous state standards. Basically, the MCA got a heallovaot harder from 2012 to 2013. (If you want more of an explanation of this, let me know, I am happy to go into it...but its rather complex and not very interesting. Just trust me, the test got harder. A lot harder.)
I looked at Bethune's test scores for 2013 and 2014 and compared them with Hale's. Before I get into the data, here's some information about the two schools taken directly from their websites and Minneapolis Public School's website.
Bethune's population is 100% free and reduced lunch-100% of the students live in poverty. At Hale, only 10% do. At Bethune, 4% of the population (which is already 100% poverty) is also English Language Learners-kiddos whose first language is not English. At Hale, its 2%. Bethune's Special Education population makes up 22% of its already free and reduced lunch population. Hale has 10% Special Education kids.
So, just looking at that, what does it tell you? The teachers at Bethune are working with a much more complex, challenging, lower academic level, lower economic level population than Hale. They are essentially starting the race ten minutes after Hale begins.
Now, let me tell you what I found. I looked at the 3rd graders MCA scores from 2013 and the 4th graders MCA scores from 2014 to see what growth was made in both schools. Notice I am focusing on GROWTH not how many kids meet or exceed standards. If you start out with a class where every single student you have is two or three years below grade level, you will not get all of them caught up in one year when dealing with the social, emotional, physical, and developmental needs of the kids as well.
******Note on test scores, the first number is the grade level, the second number is the actual test score ranging from 0-99 with being Meeting Standards. Again, I am more than happy to explain more of this to you, but I am not going to go into it now...************
The average score for Bethune's 2013 3rd graders MCA Reading was 325.2. In 2014 those same kids, now 4th graders, had an average score of 428.1 which means they increased an average of 3.1 points. So, they GREW, 3.1 points.
The average score for the 2013 4th graders was 428.1. In 2014 as 5th graders, their average was 534.9, an increase of 6.8 points on average. Again, GROWTH. And that is BIG growth.
There was growth, but according to the powers that be, the growth wasn't enough because the kids are still below standards.
Now, lets look at Hale, the school with the stronger population. In 2013 Hale's 3rd graders average score was 366.4. That says the majority of the students are above grade level. In 2014 as 4th graders, the average score was 462.0. Again way above grade level. But...the scores dropped by 4.4 points. Dropped. As in, got lower. But to the powers that be, that doesn't matter because the kids are above the standards.
So the teachers with the poorest families, most challenging behaviors, most inconsistent attendance, lowest academic levels, actually made the most growth...
I leave you with the question I started with...where are the "best" teachers?
Yes I know I only looked at one class in two different schools...my point is, shouldn't we change the way we define successful teachers and schools based on growth? Shouldn't every single child in every single school be expected to grow academically each school year regardless of where they start out? Growth matters. When I have some extra time, I may do the same comparison with other schools...but that's a big undertaking for a crazy single mom working in an inner city school....so it might be a long time coming... :)
What I want to explain is the simple data and look at what the data really tells us about teachers and schools and who truly is 'the best'. On the Minnesota Department of Education website, in the data and analytics section you can down load excel spread sheets of any assessment data for any school and compare the data yourself. Being the data geek that I am, I know and use this site often. So, I pulled the data for the MCA Reading tests for 2013 and 2014. For those of you who don't know, the MCA is the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessment, a standardized test given to every public school student in Minnesota every spring. Important to note here too is that the MCA went through a major overhaul in 2013 to line up with the Common Core standards which are much more rigorous than the previous state standards. Basically, the MCA got a heallovaot harder from 2012 to 2013. (If you want more of an explanation of this, let me know, I am happy to go into it...but its rather complex and not very interesting. Just trust me, the test got harder. A lot harder.)
I looked at Bethune's test scores for 2013 and 2014 and compared them with Hale's. Before I get into the data, here's some information about the two schools taken directly from their websites and Minneapolis Public School's website.
Bethune's population is 100% free and reduced lunch-100% of the students live in poverty. At Hale, only 10% do. At Bethune, 4% of the population (which is already 100% poverty) is also English Language Learners-kiddos whose first language is not English. At Hale, its 2%. Bethune's Special Education population makes up 22% of its already free and reduced lunch population. Hale has 10% Special Education kids.
So, just looking at that, what does it tell you? The teachers at Bethune are working with a much more complex, challenging, lower academic level, lower economic level population than Hale. They are essentially starting the race ten minutes after Hale begins.
Now, let me tell you what I found. I looked at the 3rd graders MCA scores from 2013 and the 4th graders MCA scores from 2014 to see what growth was made in both schools. Notice I am focusing on GROWTH not how many kids meet or exceed standards. If you start out with a class where every single student you have is two or three years below grade level, you will not get all of them caught up in one year when dealing with the social, emotional, physical, and developmental needs of the kids as well.
******Note on test scores, the first number is the grade level, the second number is the actual test score ranging from 0-99 with being Meeting Standards. Again, I am more than happy to explain more of this to you, but I am not going to go into it now...************
The average score for Bethune's 2013 3rd graders MCA Reading was 325.2. In 2014 those same kids, now 4th graders, had an average score of 428.1 which means they increased an average of 3.1 points. So, they GREW, 3.1 points.
The average score for the 2013 4th graders was 428.1. In 2014 as 5th graders, their average was 534.9, an increase of 6.8 points on average. Again, GROWTH. And that is BIG growth.
There was growth, but according to the powers that be, the growth wasn't enough because the kids are still below standards.
Now, lets look at Hale, the school with the stronger population. In 2013 Hale's 3rd graders average score was 366.4. That says the majority of the students are above grade level. In 2014 as 4th graders, the average score was 462.0. Again way above grade level. But...the scores dropped by 4.4 points. Dropped. As in, got lower. But to the powers that be, that doesn't matter because the kids are above the standards.
So the teachers with the poorest families, most challenging behaviors, most inconsistent attendance, lowest academic levels, actually made the most growth...
I leave you with the question I started with...where are the "best" teachers?
Yes I know I only looked at one class in two different schools...my point is, shouldn't we change the way we define successful teachers and schools based on growth? Shouldn't every single child in every single school be expected to grow academically each school year regardless of where they start out? Growth matters. When I have some extra time, I may do the same comparison with other schools...but that's a big undertaking for a crazy single mom working in an inner city school....so it might be a long time coming... :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Slam into the 21st Century Personalized Ornament Makers!
Yes. This will be rant. You have been warned. Every single Christmas the reality of the nation's definition of family hits me when I get a catalog from the company Personalized Creations. You see it too when you go to the mall or state fair and see those kiosks were the proudly display and sell personalized ornaments or figurines or puzzles or whatever you want with you and your loved ones' names hand written on them. Here's the deal personalized creations people, not all families are made up of only white faces. Not all families have faces of all the same hue in them. Not all families are made up of a mom, a dad, and a kid or two who look like them. Not all grandparents have grandkids with peachy faces, blue eyes, and golden locks of hair. Some families are proud of the diversity they have in hair color, skin tone, eye color, gender, etc and want to celebrate and commemorate those traits in a yearly tradition of getting an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree or wherever. My family has a set of grandparents (my parents) who are white and their four children, again who are white. Two of those children are married, two are not. Then they have eight beautiful, adored grandchildren. Two are lovely red headed, pale complected, girls with blue eyes; one tall, handsome copper skinned Native American and African American boy with thick, coarse black hair; one tall, handsome; pale boy with brown eyes and brown/blonde hair and freckles sprinkled across his nose; one tall, skinny, caramel colored boy with brown hair and striking light hazel eyes, one short, dark chocolate boy with dark brown eyes and dark, nappy, curly hair; one light caramel creamy skinned boy with big brown eyes, almost blonde tightly curled hair; and one light nutter butter boy with straight, thick brown hair with random red and blonde highlights and beautiful brown eyes. We would love to be able to find an ornament that celebrates this diversity, but we can't. As a single mom, I can't even find one that honors just me and my son as a family. Yeah, can't do the family ones with the last name, because our last names are different. The ornaments that have just two faces on them are obviously couples. The family designed ones look like something's missing if you don't have at least three of the round faces. How hard would it be to create more current designs that reflect the diversity of modern families. I mean, really? I am happy to design them if you need some ideas....
Sure, keep blaming the teachers, why not?
For the last two decades or so, as public education in the United States keeps getting worse and worse, the teachers keep getting the blame. Its our fault kids don't meet state standards on standardized state assessments and national standards based on nationally normed exams. What no one talks about is the fact that the only thing teachers control at any level within the classroom is...well...nothing. Standards and tests and levels and curriculum are set and chosen by people higher up the educational food chain and pay scale than we are, mostly by people who have never ever been a teacher of the content or grade level that they are choosing or creating the curriculum or standards for. We, the folks who work with the kids all day, every day, year in and year out, are not considered experts at our craft or content or management. We have to get our directives from those powers that be that I previously mentioned. And, those directives can be sure to change every two to four years or change when a new power that be takes control and that person has a stake in some new fangled way of teaching Math, or Science, or Social Studies, or penmanship...oh wait, that got tossed out. Kids don't need to know how to write or sign their names, we live in a digital age! That is, unless they want to fill out a job application or sign a legally binding document...but that's not important.
Why do teachers leave the chaos that is the educational system in the US? Especially in urban areas? Because we can't take it anymore. The expectations are too high with zero voice and zero support. For example, in several schools I have worked at personal safety is a real issue. Urban middle school students have a lot of issues going on in their hormone and emotion filled bodies and when they snap-and snap they will under the pressure of life-its the teachers who feel it. Sure there are "Behavior Deans" and "Security" personnel at high poverty urban schools. The issue is that there are not enough of them. In the five different urban schools I have been in, none of them had a system in place to actually prevent violence or protect teachers and staff. Its only by the grace of God that I haven't been hurt or been in a situation where a student got hurt because of rampage of another student in my classroom. "Well, why don't you just call for help?" you ask, with an accusing tone in your voice. Well gee, why didn't I think of that? I DID call for help. My coworkers DID call for help. Dozens of times. We called the behavior team number, we called each secretary in the office, we called the social worker, we called the special education teachers, we called every single number in the entire school directory to get help...and guess what? No one picked up the phone. This is not an isolated incident. It doesn't just happen to me. Teachers are completely unsupported in certain situations and left without any sense of back up. Its a very scary place to be-to be responsible for 25-35 young lives with no back up. Its a feeling of complete helplessness and fear that you can do nothing about. There is always some reason for no one coming...they were dealing with another discipline issue....they were at lunch duty....they were out of the building...they were away from their desk for a meeting...there isn't enough staff...there isn't enough money...and on and on and on. Its only a matter of time before something truly tragic happens when one of those kids snap in a classroom and teacher calls for support and no one answers and no one comes. Then what?
As outsiders look at the data for high poverty schools and the so called 'ratings' and 'teaching ability' of those teachers, do they consider these factors? Do they consider other factors?
For example, I was teaching in a high poverty school where I had to use a curriculum that was designed to be taught in a 90 minute class period. I had 50 minutes. Students were expected to use this very expensive online computer program and record themselves reading. This highly effective program required the use of headphones and microphones. That worked. I didn't have any. I requested them. Oh, there's no money for that, you have to work with what you have or buy your own. This curriculum also expected each student to have a workbook/textbook that they wrote in every single day. Its a very interactive program where students need to highlight, mark text, answer questions, use graphic organizers, etc IN the workbook. Yeah, there was only enough money for five or ten workbooks. So, not only could students NOT write in the required workbook at all but we didn't have enough for every student to have one book at the same time. Just make copies for the other kids, right? Um, have you seen the copy budget or the actual copiers in urban schools? Not gonna happen. If the copier is working and doesn't run out of toner or jam every other job, its a good day. The other component of this program was independent reading. Students had to read books at their reading level for 20 minutes a day. Where did these books come from? Yeah, no where. The program also had lovely audio books the kids could listen to. But yeah, no CD players or headphones were available. That year, I spent a small fortune on my classroom.
Of course, when test scores came back, my kids made gains but certainly not the gains the district or school expected. Oh I also forgot to mention that there was a knock down, drag out fight probably once a week....and attendance was spotty at best...and kids kept choosing to switch classes...and my class became the behavior dumping ground rather than reading intervention course....and parents didn't come to conferences or return calls or sometimes even have the same phone number for more than a week..but none of that is considered. I am expected, as the teacher of these kids who are below grade level, to catch them up. Build relationships with them. Have high expectations. Teach like a champion.
Reality is, my time teaching in urban schools always felt like I was attempting to swim across the ocean with no arms. But, I am expected to make it across faster than the person swimming in a climate controlled pool, with googles, a wet suit, flippers, a cheering squad, and every other possible support and resource known to swimming.
We have to look at the whole picture when looking at the job teachers do. We have to look from the top down and the inside out. We have to consider every aspect of the job and the classroom and the school before we compare teachers or decide who is the best and who is the worst. I'd love to see some of those bad teacher blaming folks who think they can do it better to take a month in some of the classrooms I have been in. If you can do it better, then do it. Otherwise work to support teachers. Encourage teachers. Reform schools. Call on administrators and school boards to change their policies. Demand better resources and support for the teachers.
Why do teachers leave the chaos that is the educational system in the US? Especially in urban areas? Because we can't take it anymore. The expectations are too high with zero voice and zero support. For example, in several schools I have worked at personal safety is a real issue. Urban middle school students have a lot of issues going on in their hormone and emotion filled bodies and when they snap-and snap they will under the pressure of life-its the teachers who feel it. Sure there are "Behavior Deans" and "Security" personnel at high poverty urban schools. The issue is that there are not enough of them. In the five different urban schools I have been in, none of them had a system in place to actually prevent violence or protect teachers and staff. Its only by the grace of God that I haven't been hurt or been in a situation where a student got hurt because of rampage of another student in my classroom. "Well, why don't you just call for help?" you ask, with an accusing tone in your voice. Well gee, why didn't I think of that? I DID call for help. My coworkers DID call for help. Dozens of times. We called the behavior team number, we called each secretary in the office, we called the social worker, we called the special education teachers, we called every single number in the entire school directory to get help...and guess what? No one picked up the phone. This is not an isolated incident. It doesn't just happen to me. Teachers are completely unsupported in certain situations and left without any sense of back up. Its a very scary place to be-to be responsible for 25-35 young lives with no back up. Its a feeling of complete helplessness and fear that you can do nothing about. There is always some reason for no one coming...they were dealing with another discipline issue....they were at lunch duty....they were out of the building...they were away from their desk for a meeting...there isn't enough staff...there isn't enough money...and on and on and on. Its only a matter of time before something truly tragic happens when one of those kids snap in a classroom and teacher calls for support and no one answers and no one comes. Then what?
As outsiders look at the data for high poverty schools and the so called 'ratings' and 'teaching ability' of those teachers, do they consider these factors? Do they consider other factors?
For example, I was teaching in a high poverty school where I had to use a curriculum that was designed to be taught in a 90 minute class period. I had 50 minutes. Students were expected to use this very expensive online computer program and record themselves reading. This highly effective program required the use of headphones and microphones. That worked. I didn't have any. I requested them. Oh, there's no money for that, you have to work with what you have or buy your own. This curriculum also expected each student to have a workbook/textbook that they wrote in every single day. Its a very interactive program where students need to highlight, mark text, answer questions, use graphic organizers, etc IN the workbook. Yeah, there was only enough money for five or ten workbooks. So, not only could students NOT write in the required workbook at all but we didn't have enough for every student to have one book at the same time. Just make copies for the other kids, right? Um, have you seen the copy budget or the actual copiers in urban schools? Not gonna happen. If the copier is working and doesn't run out of toner or jam every other job, its a good day. The other component of this program was independent reading. Students had to read books at their reading level for 20 minutes a day. Where did these books come from? Yeah, no where. The program also had lovely audio books the kids could listen to. But yeah, no CD players or headphones were available. That year, I spent a small fortune on my classroom.
Of course, when test scores came back, my kids made gains but certainly not the gains the district or school expected. Oh I also forgot to mention that there was a knock down, drag out fight probably once a week....and attendance was spotty at best...and kids kept choosing to switch classes...and my class became the behavior dumping ground rather than reading intervention course....and parents didn't come to conferences or return calls or sometimes even have the same phone number for more than a week..but none of that is considered. I am expected, as the teacher of these kids who are below grade level, to catch them up. Build relationships with them. Have high expectations. Teach like a champion.
Reality is, my time teaching in urban schools always felt like I was attempting to swim across the ocean with no arms. But, I am expected to make it across faster than the person swimming in a climate controlled pool, with googles, a wet suit, flippers, a cheering squad, and every other possible support and resource known to swimming.
We have to look at the whole picture when looking at the job teachers do. We have to look from the top down and the inside out. We have to consider every aspect of the job and the classroom and the school before we compare teachers or decide who is the best and who is the worst. I'd love to see some of those bad teacher blaming folks who think they can do it better to take a month in some of the classrooms I have been in. If you can do it better, then do it. Otherwise work to support teachers. Encourage teachers. Reform schools. Call on administrators and school boards to change their policies. Demand better resources and support for the teachers.
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