Man-Fast take two....

Alrighty, I think I finally got the message. I need to take care of myself and not date. Or at the very least, not focus on dating or my desire to have a partner in life. Yes, you guessed it, Anthony and I have ended round oh 876 of our relationship. Only this time, I really am done. Its exhausting to try to build something with someone who just isn't as into you or the idea of a relationship as you are. The excuses are irrelevant. The justifications are dumb. The truth is there...I don't even like him that much. He annoys me. He doesn't listen to me. We don't click. I was trying to force something to develop that just wasn't there on either end. Why oh why would I do something so insane? Because I am 33. I'm going to be 34 in 9 months and 17 days. Not that I'm counting. The idea of being single at 34 or 35 or 40 quite honestly scares the hell out of me. I want to be married. I want a partner in life. The older I get, the less likely that seems. So I grasp onto relationships that I really don't want because it seems better than being alone. What is so wrong with being alone? What is so wrong with being the crazy cat lady? Why do I feel inadequate on my own? Is it about me or about expectations of society? I have lots of friends who are single and I do not look at them with pity or think they need a man in their life, so why o I put that pressure on myself? I like my life. Of course I want someone to share my life with but at what cost? Its often said that once you stop looking the 'one' crosses your path. The thing is, I don't want to think about in those terms. I want to be content in my life how is now with where I am now in all aspects and live my life the way I want to, not always feeling like I am lacking something or waiting for that person who will 'complete me." Which incientally I think is a load of crap. I don't want someone to complete me, I want someone to share myself with. I think a six month hiatus of looking is a good idea. Please Lord, help me to stick to it this time!

One step forward, five steps back

Life has a way of constantly changing. Since April, I have been on a roller-coaster of changes that I just can't get off of. I lost my job. The I got a great job offer, only to find out my MN teaching license wasn't up to date so I couldn't sign a contract. I contacted the powers that be and was told that they weren't looking for anyone else but couldn't actually hold the position for me, but things seemed to be in order. Well, the jokes on me. Today I got an email from the school saying they filled the position so here I am back at square one with no job.

Then there was the unemployment appeal. I got unemployment then was told my former employer was appealing the unemployment request so I had to have hearing with a judge to determine if I am eligible for benefits or not. The hearing was supposed to take place on Friday but at the last minute the employer withdrew the appeal. Yipppee for me. At least I still got that goin for me.

So the next level of drama...my current apartment will not renew my lease so I have to move. I was all set for the perfect apartment then the landlord rented it to someone else. Im almost ready for apartment number two-which I like and can afford-but they want a double deposit because of my crappy credit. ARGH. I don't know if I can do that or not. I gotta sit down and crunch some serious numbers and figure out what my options are. There is always my sisters basement...but damn...I's 33 years old with a master's degree do I really need to resort to that?

I'm so tired of the struggle and of the drama. I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point.

Ambitious Goals

Yesterday I sat down and figured out this grandiose exercise and weight loss plan. It boils down to math...you have to take in less calories than you burn off. To be exact, to lose one pound of fat, you need to burn 3500 calories more than you usually do. One can do this either by changing what you take in or eat or you can change what you burn or exercise.

There is a handy dandy website http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ that has all sorts of tools about calculating what you need to do based on your own numbers. Its really a fascinating tool to literally put things into a clear perspective. I figured out that my basal metabolic rate is 2116.15. That is the number of calories I burn just by living. Then, I took that number and figured out what my daily calorie needs are-on the website they give you a formula to use based on your activity level. My current daily calorie needs are 2539.38 calories to MAINTAIN my current weight. So, logically I can use that information to plan out my week.

If my goal is to lose 2 pounds in a week, that means I have to kill 7500 calories in a week.

So, my ambitious plan i figured out last night was this:

Lose one pound from exercise. So, I take 3500 calories (whats needed to kill once pound of fat) and divide it by 6 (how many days a week I can work out, I need a day off :) ) and I get: 585 calories a session. If I kick ass on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then do some weights, its not hard to get to 585 calories. I can also add in pilates and crunches at home, I got a yoga ball and mat to do just that and I have done pilates before. They are hard ass work but really feel good...they tone and stretch your muscles without the high impact deal of running, etc.

Ambitious, yes. Can I do it? Yes. It has to be a choice. How have I done so far this week? Well....today I spent half an hour at the gym. Yesterday I didn't make it...

Second part is the food intake. Since my daily calorie needs are 2540, I figure the easiest way to do this is to cut it down to an even 2000 calories. This is actually pretty easy because all the nutrition info on food labels is based on a 2000 calorie diet. So, if I cut down to 2000 calories, I'm at my second pound: 3780 calories=540 calories x 7 days.

The sucky part of the nutrition thing is the keeping track. Weight Watchers has great tools online for doing this, but it costs money and you have to log in and enter the data. Its relatively cheap-I think like $14 a month if I recall. The tracking software is really good. You can record what you eat each day and what you do for exercise, there are also great advice boards and recipes, etc. The thing is, I don't want to spend the money on this or have to track it for the rest of my ever livin life. I want to learn to control myself and make the choices I need to make to keep myself healthy.

I've done weight watchers before, and it works! I lost weight and kept track of what I ate but the hard thing is, you kinda become controlled by THE POINTS. They start to rule your life and you start to rely on THE POINTS rather than your own self control and choices so it is still about the food not about you. I want to be free of the demons not just control them with points.

For now, I am going to focus on getting the exercise pattern down and reduce what I eat on my own. I've been working on this for a very long time because from the time I was very young I have turned to food for comfort. Slowly but surely I am getting better and I am making better choices. For example, today at lunch with my sisters at Green Mill, rather than getting greasy, fatty, bad for me food that I didn't need, I got a bowl of soup. Did I eat too much bread and butter with the soup? Probably. Baby steps.

Today this is what I consumed:
No breakfast, I didn't get up til noon. One of the perks of unemployment.

Lunch
Chicken Wild Rice Soup
Bread with garlic butter
2 glasses o water

Iced Coffee and cream

Dinner
1 piece of BBQ chicken (tried to peel off the skin as much as I could)
Black beans and rice
1 biscuit
broccoli and carrots

So, I did good today. I might have some toast or something before I go to bed because I'm kinda hungry and it will help me sleep. I might not tho...perhaps some water or tea would do the trick. CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES!

Evening workout

Being unemployed certainly has its advantages. Today, I had a job interview, took a nap, then visited my mom, had a nice long chat with an old friend, went to my neices soccer game, then went to my nephews t ball game and THEN i went to the gym. It would have been very very easy to just go home and eat something then watch Alias and go to bed. But, I made the choice to head to the gym by myself. My sister and I try to go to together, but her life is much more complicated than mine. She has four kiddos with all different schedules and she works part time so, she doesn't have the flexibility I currently have.

Did I WANT to go to the gym at 8:30pm? Nope. I most certainly did not. But I did go. Spent 50 minutes on the treadmill. Walked 2 miles. Burned 400 calories. Got my heart pumpin and my body covered in sweat to prove I was working hard. Had I chosen not to go to the gym, how would I have spent that hour of my life? Probably watching TV and eating something like grilled cheese. The choice to go to the gym was a much better use of my time. If I get myself into the habit of going six days a week, and just do the treadmill for an hour (eventually i want to work my way up to the eliptical machines because they burn calories so much faster but damn those things kick my ass so I am just not ready for them yet) that is 2400 calories burned in one week. To lose one pound of fat, you need to lose 3500 calories. So, killing the fat really becomes a matter of math or economics.

Diet is an issue too for me. I haven't gained back any weight I lost so at least I have been maintaining, but I need to lose another 1100 calories in a week to lose one pound. I also want to tone up my body-especially my bat wing arms. I HATE MY ARMS! Perhaps, I can rack up some calories by adding sit ups and arm excercises as well as changing my eating habits. I have started eating less, and its helping. The main thing is, I need to cook at home and stop doing the fast food thing.

bein fat is gettin old

I have struggled with body image and weight and health issues pretty much all of my life. I started out pretty normal size, even skinny! It all went downhill when I was diagnosed with asthma and severe allergies when I was 2. I remember the allergy testing that happened when I was five. The all day process was not fun, but I endured with just a simple tear now and again. No fits from me or screams while they gave me 15 shots in each of my little legs or spent hours doing scratch tests on my back. From that point forward, I struggled to breathe. Exercise became a non event for me because being allergic to anything that grows outside, I was kept inside. My parents became overly protective of their little girl who couldn't breathe and slowly but surely the weight crept up. The early medications for asthma were also steroid based which caused the weight to creep on as well. I don't know that I was officially overweight until high school, it may have started in middle school, I don't exactly remember. From the time I was young, emotional eating became an important part of my life as well. I used to hide Little Debbie cakes and just eat whatever I could. Food and my cat were my friends and coping mechanisms for dealing with life. No one really noticed, or if they did they never said anything, so the habits became ingrained.

Since high school, I have gained over 100 pounds. The crazy thing is, in high school, I was a size 14 (at my smallest) to maybe an 18 (at my biggest) and I thought I was the biggest thing on the planet then. Currently, I am a size 26 and weigh 297 pounds.

Since adulthood, I have fought the good fight of weight loss. I did Weight Watchers (more than once), read Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, listened to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Loss book on CD, did the spiritual weight loss program "The Weigh Down Workshop", followed Oprah's many many plans to lose weight, read books, etc. All of the listed systems to lose weight work, if you stick with them. The programs give you the rules you need to lose weight and keep it off, if you stick to the rules. The thing is, I am not a rules person. I do not like being told what to do or what to eat and I do not like keeping track of the details of what I eat. Ive tried. Many many times. I have purchased several notebooks and journals with the intention of religiously keeping track of what I eat and all that stuff. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't stick.

Last summer, my sister and I joined Golds Gym and signed up for a personal trainer. Holy crap was that a good idea! From August to November, I lost 40 pounds and have kept all of that weight off. Since November, my gym attendance faltered for various reasons. First, I had this odd twisted chunk of fat that came off inside my body on my side and caused lots and lots of searing pain. I discovered this 'alien baby' at a CAT scan. It took a couple of weeks for it to work its way out of my system and for the excruciating pain to stop. Then, I did something to jack up my knee. Dunno what, but that took a few weeks to heal. Finally, my sinus issues wreaked havoc on my life with constant sinus infections from November thru March and I finally had sinus surgery in April. So, now I am back on the wagon with working out.

The only way to lose weight and get in shape is to do the work to make it happen. There are no fast track ways. There are no short cuts. Shows like The Biggest Loser actually piss me off because they are not reality. Anyone can lose weight if they are taken from their natural environment where they face daily struggles and old habits and are forced to work out all friggen day with professional trainers and state of the art equipment. That is not reality for me nor is it reality for the average American tryin to get healthy and in shape. Its about choices. Choosing to go to the gym regardless of how I feel and choosing to eat the food I know is good for me rather than hitting the drive thru again. No one, not even Dr Phil or Oprah, can make me do it or even inspire me to do it. The choices are mine and mine alone and the effects of those choices are mine and mine alone.

So, a new category of my blog is going to be "Killing the Fat." In this section, I will be writing about my journey to change my lifestyle and get healthy. I chose "Killing the Fat" because losing weight sounds too passive. I am not losing anything-I am working to get rid of it. Losing implies a haphazard, random act. What I am attempting to do is neither random or haphazard. It is intentional. It is hard. It is minute by minute choices on how to live my life to destroy the fat in my body and restore my health.

15 days til summer 5.19.07

Saturday, May 19, 2007

15 days til summer Current mood:reflective... My first year of teaching is almost over and i could not be happier. I had an incredibly frusturating year this year and due to issues at my current school-will be moving on to another school. It just can't be easy for me can it? Major accomplishments of this year-75% of my kids met or exceeded state standards on our test...which, for those of you not in education, kicks ass. I taught A Midsummer Night's Dream by Shakespeare and the kids LOVE it. Don't tell me inner city kids can't read Shakespeare. They can read it, enjoy it and even re write it to fit into their world! Seriously, it was their idea to re-write the play in their own langage and neighborhood...which we are doing right now. So many little joys...like Lavelle-the pain in my ass-actually updating a whole speech on his own, on the spot and hitting the mark. Or Shavonte-who talks back to me every single day-saying she is going to miss me....oh the joys! Anyway, the year is almost over and I am looking for a new school. If you are a pray-er, please pray to whomever it is that you pray to, that I will go to a school I can settle into. I really want to get a position at Harvard-a turnaround school here in the city. If you want to know more about that, I can tell you. Its a crazy cool, high pressure situation that is an incredible opporuntity for teachers. The main thing i learned from my first year of teaching....I LOVE TEACHING. Who cares that I can't pee all day or that kids talk back to me every second? the important thing is, I have fun and each day is full of a million little challenges. Like no other job I have had before, teaching is an adventure. Honestly, each day, i am never quite sure what is going to happen or who is going to suprise me. Reading student's refelctions on shakespeare, reading essays students write about whatever, hearing students use language I taught them, seeing a student get his first B ever because of his hard work....of that makes the political bullshit of teaching, and dealing with crazy parents, and the long hours worth it. I love my kids....each and every one of them. The friday before mother's day I was giving my students a ride to an event and one girl asked me, "Ms Wymore, are you a mom?" And before I could even answer, another student said, "of course she is, she has all of us as her kids!" and they are right. I invest in each and every one of them every day and they are my kids...for the time I have them. and I hope they are better kids because of it. I know that I am a better teacher and person because of each one of them....even the major pains in my ass...they tend to teach me the most.

Jem the wondercat strikes again 5/19/07

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Jem the wondercat strikes again Current mood: amused Alrighty, for those of you who don't know I have two cats. Scout-the sweetest, most loving cat in the universe...and Jem. Jem has a history of not being the brightest cat in the world... Just now...the brillian animal got himself stuck inside an open box. Allow me to explain...I am moving. I just taped the bottom of a box together by having the box upside down so I could tape the bottom together. I taped the bottom together and Jem, the wondercat, jumped on top of the empty box bottom side up recently taped....of course because Jem is not slender, the tape gave way and Jem fell inside. Ten minutes later he figured out how to get out. More Jem the wondercat stories on the way....