Kindergarden Fears

My boy will turn five in April.  Its a milestone birthday because it means that in the fall he will be able to start kindergarden.  He's excited to start school.  He has been for as long as I can remember.  On his third birthday he asked, "Do I get to go to school now?"  Almost every day since then he has asked the same question.  My Caleb loves the idea of school.  He craves knowledge and information.  His love for all things educational scares me sometimes.  This kid will choose a book over a toy any day of the week.  He has no fear of school.  No doubt that he will have friends and be liked and that the teacher will care for him and teach him.

Me?  I have insane amounts of fear and anxiety regarding my precious boy going to school.  I'm a teacher.  I've worked in many different schools in many different settings.  I taught in inner city Chicago schools.  I taught in a Minneapolis charter school.  I taught in Minneapolis public schools.  I taught in Anoka Hennepin Schools.  I know schools.  I know how they work.  I've seen them be amazing and I have seen them suck the love of learning and passionate innocence from children.

As a high school and middle school Reading Specialist, I work with students who, for various reasons which I will not go into here, struggle with reading and therefore, struggle academically.  The vast majority of those students have no love for school or academics or anything remotely connected to the current educational system.  Because my students generally have such a distain for education and think they can't do school, I have to take a lot of time in the beginning of my class to bring back those innocent, inquisitive, joyful, trusting feelings towards the classroom.  Part of what I do is to talk with students about what their data shows me.  Very few of the students I work with have learning disabilities.  They didn't start out behind.  On the contrary, most of them performed at or above grade level in the early years of school.  Then, at some point, for some reason, they fell behind.  Sometimes it was family circumstances-a divorce, a move, a death, a birth, etc.  Other times it was a negative experience with a teacher.  Sometimes its an experience with classmates or some aspect of the educational system.  This is what scares me.

My son has a genuine love for learning.  He is teaching himself to read-for real.  On his own he is sounding out words, trying to spell, etc.  95% of his time at home, he is immersed in a stack of books looking at the letters, trying to figure out how they form words.  He has put some words together and read titles and words.  He is obsessed with numbers.  Last summer, when he had just turned four, the kid was doing mental math-addition and subtraction.  In his head.  On his own.  Yesterday he was playing with puzzles at my parents' house and he came up to me and said, "Mama, does six plus six equal twelve?"  "Um...yeah..." I said, a bit taken aback, "where did you see that?"  "No where."  So I went into the playroom to see what he was doing.  I assumed he was doing a number puzzle or looking at a book with numbers and equations in it.  Nope, he was just doing a normal puzzle.  He had taken the pieces out of the puzzle and sorted them into two groups of six pieces each.  On his own, he saw that a group of puzzle pieces could be divided into groups and then added together to make a whole.  His little brain is always thinking and making connections.  He is a sponge.

On the iPad he frequently watches all kinds of shows about building, animals, etc.  The other day he came up to me talking about how a sloth hangs upside down and moves really slowly and there are little creatures that live on the sloth too...he tells me about the digestive system...he tells me about microscopic sea creatures...he asks questions all the time...I'm afraid that he will be one of those kids whose sweet, innocent, inquisitive, joyful interest in the world around him will be squashed by the pressures of the system.  

Thankfully, I am a part of the system. I know how it works.  I know what red flags to watch for.  I know what happens in a classroom.  I know the educational lingo.  I can advocate for and support my boy through the jungle that is public education.  I have the experience, expertise and confidence to ask questions.  To watch and listen to my son.  To be vigilant about his experiences and education.  To keep him from getting lost in the system.  But what about the kids who don't have any sort of advocate?  What about the kids who do fall through the cracks of the system?  Its sad to me, that as a a professional educator, I am scared to send my own child to school.  I'm scared about what the system might do to him.

dating after 30 really sucks...

I've never been good at dating.  I didn't go on my first 'real' date until I was in college.  I've had one serious long term relationship that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't go that route-which is a good thing.  One kinda, sorta, almost long term relationship that lasted a year and just kind of fizzled.  One on again off again drama filled crazy situation that lasted for about eight years...but is really, really done now.  And a handful of shorter term, mini flings...that just did't keep me interested or seem worth the effort of making them into something more.  Before I got pregnant with Caleb I went through a couple different dating hurricanes I'll call them.  Times of just lots of random dating and hookups.  Since I got pregnant with Caleb six years ago, I've been on one actual date.  I chatted online with a handful of guys and even met one or two for coffee.  I've become extremely selective in my potential relationship partners since becoming a mom.  And, as I near my 40th birthday, I'm becoming even more selective.  I like my life.  I have a career, a home, friends, family, cats.  I love spending time with just me and my four year old boy.  A quiet weekend at home is fine with me.  I don't want drama.  I don't want casual hook ups.  I don't want a warm body to take up space in my home and heart without true investment in me, my life and my son.

In August of 2015 I was on POF (Plenty of Fish a 'free' online dating site) and I got a message that some guy had 'made me a favorite.'  That always bugs me.  If a guy marks me as a favorite but never contacts me, I think its weird and I don't like it.  So, after a few days of this guy having me listed as a favorite but never contacting me I sent him a message.  I said something like, "What's the deal?  Are you a stalker?  Don't mark me as a favorite if you have no intention of actually talking to me."  He responded and we started talking.  It was fun, flirty, and I was very real and honest with him.  He's attractive, professional, has a son my son's age, is educated and even has a car and a house and a personality!  We actually had real conversations.  There was flirting.  It was interactive and fun.  If you haven't ever done online dating, you don't know how truly rare all of those things happening in one conversation are...So we tried to figure out a time to meet....had some conversations. We had exchanged phone numbers and were texting and talking on the phone.  He deleted his profile on POF because, in his words, he was talking to me and felt we had real potential so he didn't need his profile anymore.  Then...poof.  He disappeared.  No response from him.  No contact.

Until December.  He texted me and I was like..um you disappeared on me, what do you want?  Yes, I was sassy...and he apologized.  He is a professional bike racer and marathon runner and had been racing and traveling out of the country for races and work and family issues.  And he was going to court to get custody of his son.  And he was moving.  He said he was "getting his life together" so he could pursue a relationship with me.  Hmmmm....okay.  I'm cynical and questioning by nature so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Then, he asks me to meet him for breakfast.  Caleb happened to be at my sister's house, so I figured why not?  May as well meet the dude and see what the deal is.

We met at Perkins for breakfast.  He hugged me when we met.  Took my coat.  Waited to sit down until I did.  Let me order first.  Was kind and friendly to the waitress.  We flirted.  We talked.  We laughed.  It was exciting and easy and comfortable all at the same time.  He got my coat for me.  Opened the door for me.  Held me hand as he walked me to my car.  Was full of compliments and everything.  We shared dating horror stories.  Talked about our kids.  He texted me later that day to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and he was excited to see me again.  We had another date planned...for the next week.  But he had to cancel because he got stuck in New York because of weather...we texted pretty consistently for the next couple of weeks...then it was the holidays and poof!  He's gone again until January 7th or so...again, he was out of the country racing and visiting family...which is why I didn't hear from him.  But I didn't know that before he left...so the neurotic, insecure part of me had taken over and I started freaking out.  We had a good conversation about it and he said he was trying and life is busy and he is definitely interested, etc...so we planned another date.  Dinner.  We were going to meet for Thai food on Friday night.  Noticed I said were....got cancelled again.  Due to baby mama drama.  When we planned the date for Friday, he wasn't supposed to get his son until Saturday...but something happened where he had to pick him up on Friday instead.  Hence the cancellation.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  The insecure, anxious, questioning, cynical, person inside of me came out and I wanted to give up.  I let the hurts of my past experiences with dating take over and fill my mind with doubts and questions.  "He's playing you."  "Nothing ever works out, so just give up now."  "He obviously doesn't really care about you or want to date you because you haven't seen him since December."  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I told him I was disappointed.  I told him I was concerned about the cancellations and inconsistencies.  He apologized.  Said we will reschedule and he will make it up to me.  For now...I'll believe him.

But its hard to keep those negative nelly voices inside my head at bay.  Its hard to see things objectively when I don't have a ton of experience with dating...and when I am slightly crazy, a bit controlling, and super duper impatient.  When I step back and think about it...with the life he leads working, training for bike races, traveling for work and family, being an active father, its really kind of amazing that we talk as much as we do...

Keeping thoughts and feelings in balance when it comes to relationships is really hard for me.  I want things to move...I want what I want and I want it NOW....I don't do well with disappointment...as a single mother, working full time, dating is really friggen hard.  I waffle between giving up on the whole thing and keeping my hopes tentatively in check...I keep telling myself to just take things one day at a time and trust.  Honestly, he has given me no reason not to believe him.  He has sent me pictures from the airport.  Videos of his bike race.  Pictures of him training for his races.  Why can't I just accept what he says as true?  Is it a deeper issue with how I see myself?  Is it about my own insecurity?  Do my questions really have anything to do with him?  Probably not.

As this relationship develops, which I really hope it does, hopefully my fears will dissipate and I will overcome my insecurities and allow things to take the route they are going to take...and I will allow myself to trust him, trust myself and, at least, enjoy the journey and learn from it...or at best...fall in love...

Getting healthy, lets get real...

For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight (or at least thought I was).  I've always seen and defined myself as fat and ugly and non athletic.  Why?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  First, as a kid I had severe asthma.  Like, the boy in the bubble level of allergies and asthma issues.  I was allergic to everything: chicken, tomatoes, grapes, peanuts, beets (which was the main source of sugar back in the day), any sort of plant life or grass, any animal with fur, dust, dust mites, mold...the list could probably go on and on.  Back in the days of my youth, the glorious 1980s, there were not inhalers or medications for asthma that we have today.  I was on medications.  Steroids and other crap that no one uses any more because they are so bad for you and have so many negative effects.  Of course, back then the goal was to keep me alive and breathing with the options that were available, so my parents and doctors did what they had to do.  Well, due to all the allergies and breathing issues, I was scared to death to do any level of exercise.  From the time I was little I was very familiar with the feeling of my chest constricting so I could no longer take a breath.  I knew the feeling of having an elephant on my chest keeping me from getting any air.  I knew the feeling and sound of wheezing in my lungs and chest very, very well.  This reality became a core part of my identity.  Completely unintentionally.  It was a survival thing.  We were all scared that I would one day die of an asthma attack that I was kept very protected from allergens and exercise.  Of course, everyone now knows that moderate exercise is good for people with asthma and we have the medications to keep airways open and to reopen closed airways.  So, as an adult I am trying to change that mindset.  To change how I see myself.  To rewrite the definition of myself.  But its really, really hard.

This week I realized that I will be turning 40 in 15 months.  15 months from today to be exact.  I decided that my 40th birthday will be the ending point of a long term goal.  Weight loss folks and people who know how the body works say that losing an average of two pounds per week is a good goal.  So, that's my goal.  For the next 15 months, which is 64 weeks (I counted :).  If I lose 2 pounds per week, that is 128 pounds.  128 pounds as a goal on its own sounds incredibly overwhelming.  And I have set goals like this before, but in the past, I haven't ever tied the end point to any sort of significant date in my life.  And I also never broke it down into smaller bits.  Yes, 128 pounds is a HUGE goal.  But, two pounds per week....8 pounds per month...is totally do able.  So, that's my goal.

Assuming I live to be 80 years old, April 17th, 2016 is literally the first day of the second half of my life.  I want the second half of my life to be different than the first half.  I want to redefine myself and become more authentically true to who I choose to be.  A huge part of that is my weight and my self image and health all tied together.  I want to be an active person.  I want to go on long hikes and bike rides with my son.  I want to take him skiing and snowshoeing.  I want to have energy and confidence.  I want to experience life in all its fullness and action.

I invite you to join me on this journey.  Challenge, encouragement, questions, accountability are all appreciated.  Like I said, the weight/health thing has always been a challenge for me.  So I know exactly what I need to do.  I've done weight watchers.  I've read the spiritual weight loss books: Made to Crave, Weigh Down Workshop, etc.  I had a personal trainer in the past.  I know I need to be active.  What I need is the will.  The action.  I have cookbooks.  I know how to make healthy meals.  I know what foods are healthy and what are not.  I am at the point in my journey where I know exactly what I need to do...its not about knowledge.  Its about action.  And, I am ready to take that action.  Of course, I will struggle.  I will make mistakes.  But on a deeper level than ever before, I want to be healthy and, more than wanting it, I believe I can do it.  I'm not sure what changed...maybe its being the mother of a very active four year old.  Maybe its just the simple process of aging...realizing that I have a whole lot of life left to live...maybe its accepting the truth of where I am and how I got here...its probably all those things mixed together.  So, here goes...rebirth at 40.  April 17th, 2016...I'll be ready for you.